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Online g/f


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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  • 4 Post By CautiouslyOptimistic
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Old 13th September 2017, 7:22 PM   #1
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Online g/f

I don't need any help, but I'd welcome comments.
I'm really writing this for myself to try and get my head around it.
I'm married, 56, and recently unemployed, and I've been doing some stupid stuff online, at dating sites. Honestly, just looking for pussy. I met a woman, I was very upfront with her and we hit it off, this is about two weeks ago.
She sent me pictures, she's gorgeous, stunning looks years younger than 49. She recently left her husband. We talked on kik, on email, texted and eventually phoned each other.
I wanted to meet her, she says she can't because I'm married, and she knows we'd get in too deep and wreck everything - my life is pretty easy and nice, my wife is actually wonderful, just not much sex - she's over weight and health issues that make it rare that we make out, and even when we do I find it difficult to get hard, although I'm jerking off every day to porn.
We tried to break up but she said she cried, she said I got her more than her husband ever did in a few days than he did in 27 years of marriage, and had to call me.
We tried to break up several times, but one of us would break and it would make the other given in to.
We just broke up again. I told her if she contacts me again we have to meet. She won't contact me as that's the one thing she was always adamant about. Everything about her was exciting. Frustrating, but exciting.
She said my wife is a wonderful person to put up with me and I don't know how lucky I am - trouble is I do know and I was still about to throw it all on someone I'd never actually met in person.
I'm sorry, this probably doesn't make much sense, I just need to say this, even if no one reads it.
I was in love with her. I am in love with her.
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Old 13th September 2017, 7:34 PM   #2
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I was in love with her. I am in love with her.
No you're not. You cannot fall in love with a digital woman in 2 weeks. She might not even be the pic of the person you saw.

Focus on your marriage. Don't be this person.

BTW, all cheaters say this: "she said I got her more than her husband ever did in a few days than he did in 27 years of marriage"
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Old 14th September 2017, 12:58 AM   #3
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She is eventually going to find a man who can offer her a real relationship. And then you will be back at Square 1, alone.

This isn't an online "girlfriend." She is a fantasy. Have you even video-chatted? If not, you have no clue if the person you're talking to is the person in the photos she sent. Beside the point, but still.

In love? Nah. You like the attention and the escape because you're not happy in your marriage.
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Old 14th September 2017, 3:31 AM   #4
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Have you ever watched the show catfish?

At the very least if you haven't video chatted, you should do an image search of her pics..you may find it interesting.
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Old 14th September 2017, 6:56 AM   #5
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I appreciate the replies.
Interesting, so no one here has gone to a bar, met a girl, and thought, wow I could spend the rest of my life with her?
Well, we did a lot more than that, we talked everyday, sometimes hours at a time, about our current situation, our families etc etc, all the things that two people just meeting would talk about.
Yes, it started with lust, the woman is extraordinary in every way, but we talked and laughed so much together.
Yes I knew it was never going to last, but if you'd seen her, talked with her, laughed with her, cried with her, you would have wanted to be with her even if you knew it was fleeting.
We broke up all those times because I wanted her to find someone she could be with, I knew I wasn't it, but I just couldn't let go. She was/is! extraordinarily awesome.
I won't contact her, I know I can do this, and I won't break this time. I feel a page has turned, it's time to get my life back, so I won't contact her.
But yes I am hoping with all my heart that she breaks down and contacts me.

(Just to clarify, we spent a lot of time interacting live with immediate picture exchange and on the phone, and yes I also found her on Facebook, her ex-husbands business website and more - she was who she said she was).
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Old 14th September 2017, 5:09 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by jimloveslips View Post
I don't need any help, but I'd welcome comments.
I'm really writing this for myself to try and get my head around it.
I'm married, 56, and recently unemployed, and I've been doing some stupid stuff online, at dating sites. Honestly, just looking for pussy. ..- my life is pretty easy and nice, my wife is actually wonderful, just not much sex - she's over weight and health issues that make it rare that we make out, and even when we do I find it difficult to get hard, although I'm jerking off every day to porn.

....Everything about her was exciting. Frustrating, but exciting.
She said my wife is a wonderful person to put up with me and I don't know how lucky I am - trouble is I do know and I was still about to throw it all on someone I'd never actually met in person....

I am in love with her.
Hello
Being 56, you are going through a time of change - you have lost your job, you are probably shocked at this loss, and now have plenty of time on your hands. You have created a pattern of behaviors that you know is "stupid" - in your own words.

The pattern is this:

1. Feel bored, depressed, or otherwise lonely
2. Go to porn and dating sites.
3. Become excited by flirting or by stimulating the chemicals in your brain by looking at pornographic images.
4. Fantasise you are with them and that you are no longer 56, with a wife who is struggling with health and overweight.
5. Masturbate to get the final chemical rush and to reach orgasm through 'sex with self'.
6. Feel bad about yourself and write to a blog to convince yourself you are OK.

This is the addictive cycle that is similar to drug addiction, alcohol addiction, gambling, or other addictions designed to make you escape from reality and chase a rush. The only problem is - it is a short term solution to long term problems.

What are your problems?
1. You are unemployed and have time on your hands
2. Your wife is struggling with health problems and is not offering you sexual intimacy (which is common, by the way. Once they reach menopause, sexual contact is not important - the friendship is)
4. Life is not meeting your expectations of excitement and there doesn't appear to be any goals or anticipation except for this online dater who is trying to find a committed relationship. Either that, or she is a Nigerian trying to rope you into coughing up your life savings.

Any addiction makes you self obsessed. With pornography, you are comparing your wife with women who are probably between 17 and 35 - wanting to make money as they may be single mothers, studying, drug addicts, or struggling with being sexually abused by a stepfather, grandfatheror uncle who may have been your age when the abuse began. They are being paid to seduce you. Not just you - but thousands of men like you who are in a lust addiction and running away from seemingly routine lives.

The problems you face if you continue with this lifestyle of lust:
1. You become more self obsessed
2. You chase a fantasy and refuse to face the life stage you are at and the reality you face.
3. You risk your marriage breaking up, the guilt of knowing you weren't there when your wife needed you the most,
4. The time you spend on porn and online dating could be used in more productive things such as walking with your wife, spending time with grandchildren, doing volunteer work in the community, spending time with male friends, or taking up a hobby.
5. Pornography and online dating isolates you even more and prevents you from living a fulfiling life, as suggested in 4.

Some Solutions
1. Go to a Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and love addicts, or Sexaholics Anonymous meeting in your area and understand the addiction of lust and get help.
2. Decide to do the right thing and concentrate on helping your wife to recover from her health issues. Supporting her will stop your self obsession.
3. Enrol in a gym class with your wife and support her with her goals - if she wants to lose weight. If not, then deal with your tendency to compare her with women who are half your age or may be so obsessed with their own appearance and sexuality that they may not be girls you fantasise about. They may have issues of their own, or totally incompatible with you in real life.
4. Explore what you can do now you have an 'easy and nice life'. How can you be an example in the community? What talents did you learn from work that you can help the younger ones achieve? What do you want to be known by in your family - as a cheating husband who abandoned your wife at a time of crisis? Or an outstanding member of the community who selflessly served others during retirement?

To be married for so long to the one woman is a treasure. You have build memories, a routine that made your life easy and nice, and no stds. Are you going to risk this by chasing another woman, by divorcing your wife and by depending on fantasies, images and masturbation to achieve a short term chemical rush? If so, I know there are better things you can do with your life.
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Old 15th September 2017, 6:42 AM   #7
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If so, I know there are better things you can do with your life.
Awesome reply, many thanks for taking the time, much appreciated.
Yes, I agree with nearly everything you said, doing it is the problem!
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Old 18th September 2017, 8:21 PM   #8
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Awesome reply, many thanks for taking the time, much appreciated.
Yes, I agree with nearly everything you said, doing it is the problem!
If you agree with everything, the first step is to acknowledge you have a problem and then to get help. If you had cancer, you would seek treatment. Your precarious situation at the moment is like moral and emotional 'cancer' - you are taking your wife for granted, you are running away from your reality and using porn and dating sites to numb your pain.

End the communication with your mistress, sought a meeting with your wife and tell her everything you have been doing, sought a support group to help you overcome your lust issues, and be committed to healing the relationships around you.

You can do it.
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Old 5th October 2017, 12:32 PM   #9
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You can do it.
I can, and I did.
It's a first small step in the right direction.
I had an initial consultation and the opinion is that I am depressed in general and actually grieving the loss of my job.
I have a follow up in a few weeks.
In the meantime I have to work on not jumping on the computer first thing...
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