Introvert/extrovert relationship went south

[fourloafcleaver]

I'm 17 years old and an introvert. I hate parties, I hate being in groups no more than 3, and I value my 'alone time.' I got into a relationship roughly 3 months ago with my sister's best friend (that's time for another story) and it was going well, but after a little while things started falling apart.

She's an extrovert and completely different than I am from her childhood to her morales to the way she operates. I grew up in a family of 8 and went through the death of my father after 3 years of hell. She didn't have to deal with any deaths or problems. I was homeschooled for 13 years and she had 10 friends since kindergarten. She's always this happy person who sees the best in people. She also doesn't understand introverts at all.

Whenever I'm quiet in my own world, she would get concerned that something is bothering me and doesn't quite understand how we introverts operate. She kept telling me to meet friends and socialize but that isn't what I like to do. jm prefectly happy sitting in the couch and cuddling while we watch tv. Those are the kind of events that I treasure; the one on one connections.

We broke up a few days ago because she said we were different, I acted as if I didn't want a girlfriend, my attitude and and personality changed since I've been going to this public school and a few other reasons. I went to a private school for three years (that's where I met her) and I think the insecurity of me going to a public school has her anxious (she didn't have a great time in her public school days). There's so much I want to say to her but I don't know if I should even do that. I contemplated driving to her house and pouring out my heart on their porch.

I have not taken this well. I'm a royal mess. I haven't smiled in 3 days, I'm never hungry, I hate being around other people, but most importantly, I want to tell her how I feel but I don't know if/when I should do that. I haven't taken this breakup well and I needed someplace to put all my feelings down and then I found this website

What should I do? I feel horrible about the whole thing. I feel as if everything is my fault and I can't cope with this. I've bawled my eyes out every day since I broke up with her and I almost never cry.

[d0nnivain]

First relationships are tough. You are trying navigate a whole new set of parameters -- dealing with hormones & another person.

 

 

This relationship didn't work out. That happens you will have other relationships & eventually you will find The One but that probably won't be for another decade or so.

 

 

Introverts & extroverts can work but they have to learn to understand each other. My husband is the introvert & I'm the extrovert (although I was the shy mousy girl in the corner until college). When he says he doesn't want to go to a party, I say OK & go anyway. I don't sit there & wonder if he's going to break up with me. As a teenager I would not have been able to do that & would have been very insecure that my BF didn't want to do absolutely everything with me. There's a teen script / model for romance where couples act like they are joined at the hip.

 

 

I do think you should talk to her. She says you don't act like you want a GF. Get her to give you more info about what that means. She has to tell you exactly how she wants a BF to act. As a teen girl she may not have that depth of understanding to be able to tell you but gently press her for the info. If she tells you that in her opinion a "good" BF texts 5 times per day; posts a new selfie with his GF at least once per week, goes to parties & games with her & holds hands, can you do that? I know you'd prefer the quiet times, snuggling but she wants more people oriented activities. If you give her 2 football games per month, will she watch one movie with you per week? Basically I'm trying to set up a scenario where you both get some of what you want but give the other person what they want too. It's called compromise.

[preraph]

I agree with most of what Donnievan said, but I'll just add this. You date in order to find out if you are right for each other

Once you find out you're not right for each other for the long-term it's best to cut it off as soon as possible and move on. She knows she does not want to spend her life with someone who doesn't share her social abilities. She is not ever going to agree to just be one-on-one with a guy and give up all her other social activities and she probably would much prefer her man join in with her. It doesn't make you wrong and her right. It just makes you not right for each other. I don't advise trying to beg her to come back because I feel like it's just going to be wasted time when instead you could be looking for someone who is more similar to you.

[fourloafcleaver]

This was my second relationship but I was her first. I understand I probably won't be with her again, but I'm having a hard time moving forward and I don't know what to do in replacement of staying up late every night (the only time I can be by myself) overthinking everything and wishing for that which isn't going to happen.

We've been together for only 3 months and I knew that we had a lot to work through, given our personalities. I believe the one thing that led to the breakup was the lack of communication and understanding of each other.

Whenever I was quiet around her, she did think something was wrong with me and that I didn't want to be with her, but I was really just in my mind thinking. Nothing was wrong with me but she didn't quite understand that.

I was her first, as mentioned above, so I wanted to make sure that I didn't make mistakes or use that to my advantage. I believe that I was too careful, and that led to mistakes. I read books and articles about introvert/extrovert relationships and what they need to do in order to thrive.

I really want to have an honest conversation with her so that I can understand better about how to be the boyfriend she wanted me to be...but I'm not trying to get back together so would that conversation be irrelevant?

If she tells me what I need to do in order to be her boyfriend, I would do it in a heartbeat. I was hoping we were going to last. I want to have a second try but I don't know if she's able to do that or not. That's why I want to have that conversation with her.

I understand these kinds of relationships require compensation and agreement. There needs to be terms that each person agrees on so that the relationship can flourish. I want compromise. I can do compromise. I'm very compliant about almost everything

 

preraph:

If I ever have a conversation with her, I would like to add if she would, first, offer me a second try. Secondly, I would add if she wants someone who does these things with her or if she's willing to compromise with me so that we both can do things together without being uncomfortable. It requires an effort on both parties and I am more than willing to put in that effort.

Another fight I've been having with myself: Is this whole effort even worth it? Should I just move on and find someone else or should I try one more time and see if we can get through the things that didn't work last time?

[d0nnivain]

If you don't want to get back together, don't have the conversation

[fourloafcleaver]

That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't know if it's going to be a worthless conversation or something of value. I could ask her for a second chance and then go from there

[preraph]

You just aren't right for each other. Dating 90% of the time does not lead to marriage. It's a process of selection. You have to not get hurt every time you're not a match. It's true that sometimes you may look at them and think she's what I want but then they look at you and know you're not what they want, but all that means is they know something about themselves that you don't know. If you try to belabor the point with her you're going to lose your dignity and it's going to come across as begging and there's just no reason to do that with someone who is not the right person for you. You don't need a lifetime of both of you feeling uncomfortable and unnatural.

[basil67]

That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't know if it's going to be a worthless conversation or something of value. I could ask her for a second chance and then go from there

 

I'm an introvert. Thing is, we do have to get out of our shell and be social creatures. Sure, you might need downtime afterwards, but you must learn to socialise.

 

Only ask for a second chance if you are willing to overcome your dislike of parties and being in groups....and your habit shutting down when you're with her. (Shutting down when you're with her is quite rude actually).

 

If this is to work, there MUST be compromise on both sides. You learn to socialise at bigger events for her and she can do Netflix with you. If you need down time, have it alone rather than being with her and shutting down.

[fourloafcleaver]

That's a good point. Can I completely move on without having that closure conversation? I want to have one more conversation with her about what's been going on with me. I want to move on and be as happy as I was but there's something bugging me about not having that last conversation to fully close that gap. I just want to tell her how I feel and then be done with it all. Is that something I should do or just move on from here?

[fourloafcleaver]

I'm definitely willing to put more effort into being uncomfortable than to lose everything I ever had. I am more than willing to go outside my comfort zone if it means that I get to at least be her friend. It's going to be awkward after a while but if she's willing to give it another go, then I'm down for it. If I see the slightest tension then I need to tell her about it because communication was why it didn't work out. I learned a lot

I need to tell her about how I operate and see if I'm someone she wants to be with. If she doesn't want to do it again, I have to respect her decision and move on

[fourloafcleaver]

This is what I'm thinking. I have three options:

Option 1: I can have that conversation with her. First, tell her everything from my perspective and what I learned. Then I would ask if she is willing to give it another shot. I would understand if she didn't, but it's worth a shot, right?

 

Option 2: Don't have that conversation and keep things the way they are now. Move on from here and find someone else. Write down my feelings so I have somewhere to put them and keep going through life.

 

Option 3: Tell her everything that I know and understand, but make sure she knows that I'm not looking for another try at this relationship. She called it off and things should stay that way.

 

Opinions?

[d0nnivain]

Closure comes from you, not the other person.

 

 

If you want to talk to her, try but I suspect it will make you feel worse, not better because she may not understand why you are trying to say.

 

 

I'd suggest this: write it all down. What ever you want to say to her, write it out. Then put it away, preferably in a drawer for at least a week. Longer if you can stand it. Then pull it out, re-read it. If you are still upset, it goes back in the drawer. You can add or delete stuff if you want When you can read & feel peaceful, then go someplace you can SAFELY start a small fire. Light the letter, watch it burn & as the smoke rises let all that angst out to the universe & be done with this. Do not give her the letter under any circumstances. Essentially your option #2

[fourloafcleaver]

I understand. I've decided not to talk to her because it just might make me feel worse than I started with. I do, however, want to create a video of me verbally saying what I want to say so that it's not just a conversation in my head.

 

I did write it all down..twice. I have several documents from different occasions when I was at my worst. I wrote everything down so that it's not all kept in my head and I can finally have it all into one place. I like to write this kind of stuff down so that I may be able to look back on it one day and think 'so that's what it was like.' I used to sit on our porch roof for a while just enjoying the peace of the night. The only noise was the usual route traffic. It was so soothing. If I had someone to experience it with, it would be perfect.

I also like campfires but I don't know where to make one where I live.

 

I don't expect to see her again, so I decided I would rather let it stay that way than to be kept in wishful thinking of the ways that would never happen. We shared great memories and I learned a lot through this relationship, but this relationship only prepared me for the next one, whenever that may be.

 

Thank you guys for listening and helping me with this. It's nice to hear other people's opinions who are introverts and extroverts and have had a little bit more experience than a 17 year old.

[Sweetfish]

I'm 17 years old and an introvert. I hate parties, I hate being in groups no more than 3, and I value my 'alone time.' I got into a relationship roughly 3 months ago with my sister's best friend (that's time for another story) and it was going well, but after a little while things started falling apart.

She's an extrovert and completely different than I am from her childhood to her morales to the way she operates. I grew up in a family of 8 and went through the death of my father after 3 years of hell. She didn't have to deal with any deaths or problems. I was homeschooled for 13 years and she had 10 friends since kindergarten. She's always this happy person who sees the best in people. She also doesn't understand introverts at all.

Whenever I'm quiet in my own world, she would get concerned that something is bothering me and doesn't quite understand how we introverts operate. She kept telling me to meet friends and socialize but that isn't what I like to do. jm prefectly happy sitting in the couch and cuddling while we watch tv. Those are the kind of events that I treasure; the one on one connections.

We broke up a few days ago because she said we were different, I acted as if I didn't want a girlfriend, my attitude and and personality changed since I've been going to this public school and a few other reasons. I went to a private school for three years (that's where I met her) and I think the insecurity of me going to a public school has her anxious (she didn't have a great time in her public school days). There's so much I want to say to her but I don't know if I should even do that. I contemplated driving to her house and pouring out my heart on their porch.

I have not taken this well. I'm a royal mess. I haven't smiled in 3 days, I'm never hungry, I hate being around other people, but most importantly, I want to tell her how I feel but I don't know if/when I should do that. I haven't taken this breakup well and I needed someplace to put all my feelings down and then I found this website

What should I do? I feel horrible about the whole thing. I feel as if everything is my fault and I can't cope with this. I've bawled my eyes out every day since I broke up with her and I almost never cry.

 

 

I know you feel horrible right now, but if you are an introvert do not try to change for someone else..

 

Do not pour your heart out.. It typically never works.

The best thing you can do is unload and cry for a week or two and after that you need to get your head in order. I suggest you read some of the threads here and see what not to do.