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8 years gone. He left me out of nowhere!!


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So I dated this guy (guy 1) for 5 years. We went through a LOT together. We even had an abortion for him so he could be happy and have no hindrances. I am 25 now. He cheated on me wih multiple girls. He was my first everything. He holds my heart. After he cheated I finally found someone else (guy 2) after being alone for a long time. I would always be at guy 1 beck and call and believed everything he said and would jump at any chance to see him. Well I dated guy 2 for 3 years. All the while still talking to guy 1. (I know I know) guy 2 was good to me. Loved me and became obsessive and eventually abusive in every way. I hid guy 2 from guy 1 for the ok best time. Guy 1 after 2 years wanted me back. I couldn't be with him right away, I had to get rid of guy 2 first. So I did. But I did see him while I was still with guy 2. (I know) And he kept causing havoc on me and guy 1(stalking, harrassing etc) so my ex, guy 1 got tired of it and said I was lying about being done with guy 2. I was completely done with him and never lied to him- he just didn't understand how crazy guy 2 was. Guy 1 took me to the mountains with him and his friends and mom for a weekend and everything was perfect. As soon as I got home guy 2 was harrassing guy 1 AGAIN. Guy 1 got angry at me and became instantly distant. Fast forward three weeks, he is still distant and I am still seeing him. I had planned Togo on a trip to FL with my family for the weekend. On that Wednesday I was over at his house seeing him sex etc, saying he loves me and will see me when I get back, wants to build a house together etc. That Saturday he was suddenly in a FB official relationship with a new girl that no one knew about. Not his mom not his best friend, nobody knew about her. FB profile pic of them together, he made a new IG for her. He never even did those things for ME. He met her at work she's a new grad nurse in an ER (just like me, I'm a nurse in an ICU) she has her own house, is 3 years younger than me, and is a doctors grandaughter, has her own little side business too. And he's a paramedic firefighter. It hurt me SO BADLY. And when I asked him why he did this to me his response was "I told you had to do something Hannah". Told me he was serious about her but not dead set. Told me if he knew guy 2 was gone he would be all about being with me. I've done everything I can to prove to him he's gone. But he's still with her. Took her to the mountains to OUR cabin our special place, posts pics on social media of them. Like he's so happy. He blocks my number when he's with her and will text me when he's at work for his 24 hour shift. He stays with her I guess. I don't know what he wants from me. He's all I love and he's the only future I had planned and I feel like he's giving her everything I ever wanted. I was always close with his family. So I turned to his mom and grandmother for advice. His mom got angry at me and said she just wanted him happy. He got so angry at me for confiding about him to his family. And calls me a liar, etc. when he has done so much worse than I ever have to him to me. His mom is plastering pics of them On FB and it hurts so bad. I've never left him, never let him down, I pray for him every day. But he chooses her over me now? How can he love her that much so soon? They've been official now for 2 months. And she's always commenting on his moms FB statuses and when I did, he called me petty...I don't know what to do, where to go from here. I am so hurt. And he's deployed in Houston right now for the hurricane and I haven't heard from him in 2 days. Yet I know she has. He asked me last Monday to see me before he was sent to Houston and I let him come over. Promised me he would talk to me and text me every day. We have been invested in each other for 8 years and I don't see how he could throw all that away so easily and be all in for this new girl that has no idea about him or his past and I fear that he has changed for her. I have trouble controlling my anxiety about it and I end up texting him frequently asking what I should do now. He's always come back to me, and I know he loves me. But now that he's said he's serious about her so fast, I feel like everything I've ever done and tried to prove to him is gone and I have no one else. I try to focus on myself and have such a hard time because it's always right in front of me. I know they say guys want a happy girl, but I'm not happy and I feel like I can't fake being happy to win him back anyway. I'm struggling. Somebody please help me.

 

Update: He's back from Texas and I haven't heard from him since. He's selling his new girls Jeep parts on FB. he has my number blocked. She comments on ALL his family and friends FB statuses and is over the top clingy about it. He hated when I did that. I feel like I've done all the work in showing him how to really treat a woman, and she gets the end prize that I worked so hard toward and I am left to pick up all the pieces on my own. How could he leave 8 years behind and be so invested in some new girl so quickly. I'm so broken and I don't want him to be happy when he left me in such a mess.

 

I just don't want him to treat her better than he did me. He's never been faithful to any of his girlfriends and he finally told me he was ready to settle down, and chose me. And then got mad because guy #2 was psycho and kept popping up even though I had nothing to do with him anymore and he said he didn't trust me. I just want answers and it hurts so bad seeing his mom post lovey pics of them together and him getting to be so "happy" and everybody so happy for them when in reality he left me high and dry because he just "needed peace and wanted to be happy" and didn't want to fix our problems and gave me "one last chance" but I wasn't enough. He turned to what is easy. I just feel like he's gonna treat her right when he has never treated a girl right before. I stayed through everything and never left him and loved him through it all despite his flaws. Even his best friend said he was trying to do right by the new girl. And that hurts because I feel like he's rushing everything with her and I feel like how could he be SO invested and move so quickly with her this soon? In two months.

 

I finally heard from him and he unblocked my number after a week. I asked him "I won't text again, and if you don't reply I'll take it as a yes...but Are you ready to be completely 100% without me and are you happy with her, staying, and I need to move on? Because I'm not at all ready to. You know how I feel about you and us. I just wanna know if all my hope is gone."

 

His reply was "I don't have the answer to that"

 

Then I said "I deserve the world, I deserve commitment, too. I want it from you, it's the biggest desire of my heart. I've loved you the absolute most. I don't deserve to be a backup plan. You know how I feel about you and us and what I so desire.

 

Does nothing I feel or how I love you or what I want with you matter anymore?

Do I need to try To move on and let you and all the love and years of fighting for you go now?

Do I need you leave you completely alone and let you have her because you're happy and committed now and she's who you love? "

 

His reply "I understand"

 

WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO? WHAT DOES HE WANT OF ME. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I AM HURTING SO BADLY SEEING HIM ACTIVE ON SOCIAL MEDIA YET I CANT GET A REPLY AT ALL. It hurts knowing he's so ok with letting our love and so many years go.

Edited by Haelbu
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When your choices are between two men, one who is a serial cheater and the other an abuser, you have to start asking yourself what about your emotional and mental make believes this is the best you can do.

 

"I said "I deserve the world, I deserve commitment, too. I want it from you, it's the biggest desire of my heart. I've loved you the absolute most. I don't deserve to be a backup plan. You know how I feel about you and us and what I so desire."

 

But you have always been a back-up plan. You have never been a priority to him. You have been the backburner girl while he cheated on you with multiple other women. Don't create the love story of your lifetime. You've romanticized this man to an extent where in your head he's become this most amazing man. He's not -- he's a serial cheater. If those are your standards, you need to change them. And this isn't love. It's toxic dependency.

 

You're a doormat. The only reason why he keeps you in the picture is because as a serial cheater, he enjoys the attention of women. You are one of those women. It's not some grand gesture of love that he keeps you around. He keeps you around because he can USE you.

 

And 8 years of cheating doesn't justify clinging to this relationship. Quality, not quantity.

 

Let him go. Find your self-respect. Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. You can do much, much better than this.

Edited by Zahara
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WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO? WHAT DOES HE WANT OF ME. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I AM HURTING SO BADLY SEEING HIM ACTIVE ON SOCIAL MEDIA YET I CANT GET A REPLY AT ALL. It hurts knowing he's so ok with letting our love and so many years go.

 

As a nurse yourself, you should know the value of preventative care. Like not getting fat so you don't get type 2 diabetes, right?

 

SO HERE ARE THE NC RULES. THEY HELP YOU SO YOU DON'T BECOME A STAGE 9 CLINGER AND LOSE YOURSELF COMPLETELY!! LET THE CHEATER GO. EVERY TIME YOU GO ON HIS IG OR FB, IT'S LIKE YOU EAT A BOX OF DONUTS. THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH!

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One word for this relationship: Toxic

 

You are in his life to serve his needs. You were the buffer until he found someone else he saw a future with.

 

Im sorry. I know how you feel.

 

I am lucky mine on lasted a span of 2 years (so far, we shall see if she comes back :mad: )

 

You need to block him on all social media and your phone. He has finally told you where he stands, even if he wont be man enough to tell it to you straight. My ex did the same thing. Left things open, because they are too afraid to put a full stop behind anything.

 

Im sorry this happened to you. I made the same mistake of continually letting the toxic person back in to my life (3 times) and it hurt more and more every time she screwed me over.

 

Like my ex, he does not know what he wants, but deep down inside, if you think about it, he does not want you. I know it hurts, but its time to batten down the hatches, deal with the pain, start to heal and move on. This can only be accomplished with NC.

 

I never truly understood the NC and kept her unblocked on social media. We are not friends, but the urge to check out their social media just holds you back. Would not recommend.

 

Be strong. You will get through this.

 

Seek therapy if you cant do it alone. They can help you break the cycle.

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But will he treat this new girl better? I feel like I loved him and stayed with him for nothing. And she gets to be soooo happy and he's doing everything for her and I'm left to pick all the pieces up on me own while he fills the spot I wanted with someone who doesn't know him or his past and his clingier than I ever was on social media. Commenting on all his moms posts, etc. it hurts.

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But will he treat this new girl better? I feel like I loved him and stayed with him for nothing. And she gets to be soooo happy and he's doing everything for her and I'm left to pick all the pieces up on me own while he fills the spot I wanted with someone who doesn't know him or his past and his clingier than I ever was on social media. Commenting on all his moms posts, etc. it hurts.

 

You have a very dysfunctional idea of what love is.

 

No, he probably won't treat her any better. But that's not the point. The point is that you need to figure out why you cling to guys who abuse and mistreat you.

 

This guy was never going last forever. You are choosing toxic relationships for a reason, and until you sort out what that is and how to get yourself healthy again, you will continue to gravitate towards chaos instead of finding true happiness and peace with a partner.

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I'm sorry Haelbu, but he didn't break up out of nowhere. This was a bad relationship which clearly didn't have the legs to become long term.

 

There's one thing you wrote which bothers me - it's that you say you deserve the world and you deserve commitment. *Nobody* deserves the world and you'll only get commitment if you choose the type of partner who is likely to be able to give commitment. Great things tend not to fall into your lap if you make bad choices.

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