She sleeps with someone now wants to make things right.

[Jackson3]

Hello everyone. My gf (23) and I (29) have been together for 3 years. We recently just took a 4 month break. I found out that she slept with the same guy twice. She is young, and I was with her before she was 21, so she never really had that freedom. Maybe this was something she needed to get out of her system?

 

She wa scared we weren't on the same page with things moving forward. She admitted and was up front about it stating she was trying to move on and came to realize how big of an idiot she was, regrets it, Hates herself for it, wants me back more than ever. I love this girl with everything in me, and am trying everything but I am having a very hard time getting those images out of my head.

 

In turn, I've been short with her, distant, and overall not fair with her. It does not feel the same as it was before. We've been back for about a month. Anyone been through a similar situation and how did you cope? Was it best to move on? I tried convincing myself to be ok with the fact, she was single after all. She has been nothing but upfront with me and I'm now so guarded she feels like I'm not letting her back in.

 

I've always been brought up that sex is with a person you love, old school I know, and I know we don't live in that world anymore but I like to think so. Help please, I feel like I'm losing my mind here.

Thank you.

Edited September 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ZayKayWill]

Uhm...if you two were on the '4 month break' then that means you both were single. Why were you guys on this break? Were you expecting to get back together with her? As much as it hurts she had every right to do that. Just like you had every right to do whatever you wanted if another girl came your way. Not sure why you're being cold and making her feel like a bad guy. I think you should stop passive aggressively trying to make her feel bad and make things right before it gets too messy. She does seem pretty remorseful.

 

Am I missing something here? Was she the one that initiated the 'break' and then went off to do the dirty with this other guy? Need more details, m8.

Edited September 12, 2017 by ZayKayWill

[usa1ah]

The reason is she destroyed everything you thought the two of you had.

 

Stop trying to make excuses for her on why she left the first time for the four month break. The true is she didn't love you enough to stay and work through whatever was going on. This is what is eating you up. How can you help being guarded now. With what she has done.

 

One question the guy she saw during this break, when did she meet him? Has she know him for years or did they meet after the break up?

[Marc878]

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. This will always be there.

 

Make no mistake. She wanted a break to try the other guy out. It was planned. Not so upfront about that now was she. Wake up!!! He didn't work out now she's back for plan B.

 

Just because she was upfront doesn't make it ok. Did she tell you upfront she was going to start screwing her other man? I bet not.

 

You're to young to settle for this. It wasn't a mistake. It was a decision she made.

 

Move on and find someone more mature and has the ability to have a relationship with.

 

You're in love with your fantasy of her not actually who she is.

 

There's no special magic that'll make this go away.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why were you on a break to begin with?

[5x5]

Personally if it were me I would have let her go full stop.

 

That said you got back with her after splitting up (having a break) with her, so you shouldn't be surprised she had sex elsewhere as you should have reasonably done as well.

 

At the end of the day though if this doesn't sit right with you, stop wasting your time and hers, so dump her and move on ASAP.

[PegNosePete]

Sure, she can play but "but we were on a break, no harm no foul" card if she likes, and technically that is correct. But for me that would be irrelevant. If she can sleep with another guy so soon after ending a 3 year relationship then that shows she has lost all feelings and respect for you. If it were me I wouldn't take her back.

[Jackson3]

One question the guy she saw during this break, when did she meet him? Has she know him for years or did they meet after the break up?

 

Why were you on a break to begin with?

 

Long story short. This whole thing came about because before we went on 'break'. Which break to me means break-up, we were on complete opposite schedules. I work 6am-2pm and she had a waitress job from about 3pm-1/2am. So in a way for a while it felt like we werent together because I would never see her. We would never see eachother during the week. Well I guess she met this guy while working there. She knew him for a couple of months. She swears she didn't break up with me for him but that definitely seems like a fallacy. She says all this stuff now about how she feels like complete **** for it, this and that. She basically ran when things got tough. I'm just worried it will happen again. She quit her waitress job, said she didnt like who she was becoming, and promises everyday that this will never happen again and wants to do whatever she has to do to make things right.

Edited September 12, 2017 by Jackson3

[PegNosePete]

wants to do whatever she has to do to make things right.

She can start by being honest.

 

You didn't answer the previous poster's question. Why did you go on a break?

[Jackson3]

She can start by being honest.

 

You didn't answer the previous poster's question. Why did you go on a break?

 

We went on a 'break' because for a few months it felt like we werent together. Being on so opposite schedules it felt like I never saw her. We were together but it felt like we stopped 'dating'. She became insecure whether I wanted to same things in life as her. As in taking the next step with moving in, kids, etc down the road. But then I start to think, is that an easy excuse to sleep with this guy? She was the one that wanted the break.

Edited September 12, 2017 by Jackson3

[PegNosePete]

But then I start to think, is that an easy excuse to sleep with this guy? She was the one that wanted the break.

I think you have hit the nail on the head right there.

 

The relationship problems you describe are not fixed by a break. They are fixed by communication and positive action to create a better relationship. How would going on a break fix those things? Answer: it wouldn't. After the break you would be exactly where you started and have exactly the same problems. So yeah, I think her reasons for wanting a break were not honest.

[Bromeo]

Long story short. This whole thing came about because before we went on 'break'. Which break to me means break-up, we were on complete opposite schedules. I work 6am-2pm and she had a waitress job from about 3pm-1/2am. So in a way for a while it felt like we werent together because I would never see her. We would never see eachother during the week. Well I guess she met this guy while working there. She knew him for a couple of months. She swears she didn't break up with me for him but that definitely seems like a fallacy. She says all this stuff now about how she feels like complete **** for it, this and that. She basically ran when things got tough. I'm just worried it will happen again. She quit her waitress job, said she didnt like who she was becoming, and promises everyday that this will never happen again and wants to do whatever she has to do to make things right.

 

Op, I'll start by saying I know exactly how you feel. Which makes the following less of a crappy post.

 

You can believe about 0% of what they say, and about 0% of what they do during these times. Unless her words and actions are perfectly congruent, take everything with a grain of salt. Listen to your gut.

 

Lemme mansplain some things. Why were you waiting for her during the break? Why weren't you moving forward, dating other people, and enjoying your hobbies, career, and life?

 

Whether she slept with chad to get over you, test drive another dude, or feel less lonely, it shouldn't matter to you.

 

A centered man can allow her to walk away, sleep with whoever she wants, and remain happy, due to his focus being him. A loving partner improves your life, but isn't the reason for it, despite what modern music, movies, and books say men should act.

 

I went through a couple of atrocious post-breakup months last year, mainly my fault, which prolonged my pain immensely. As a result, I endeavored to learn the above. I took up diving, falconry, and wine. I've dated some amazing women, and walked away from some beautiful ones.

 

We dudes forget that when emotional, we tolerate amazing amounts of disrespect and games. Be strong enough to stand firm for what you want. If she walks away, let her go. Believe me, there are plenty of amazing women who'd love to have you. Trust me on that one.

 

If she is begging you back, I'd put a serious amount of thought into taking her back. I'm no ones second option, back up plan, or anything else.

 

And, stop giving her a hard time. That's controlling, and is your insecurity talking. You will either be with her, or not. The middle is mush.

 

Be safe.

Edited September 12, 2017 by Bromeo

[usa1ah]

First thing is to get her and yourself tested for STD's.

 

Second thing is this. She might not if broke up with you just for the other guy but she jumped right into bed with him pretty quick. Something was going on there before the break. I guess the guy treated her pretty badly for her to come back to you as soon as she did. Her quitting her job shows that she never wants to see him again. You need to get the truth of what happened between the two of them.

 

IMO you need to find someone else. She bolted for another when things were hard instead of working it out. Would she do it again when you have kids? Then your on the hook for support for her and the kids if she does.

[kortz]

Leave her and move on. She's only back because things didn't work out with the other guy. If things were fine and dandy with him she wouldn't have come running back to you, so you're her plan B.

[central]

Leave her and move on. She's only back because things didn't work out with the other guy. If things were fine and dandy with him she wouldn't have come running back to you, so you're her plan B.

 

Of course she's back because the other guy didn't work out. And that's what dating is for, after all, to determine who is the best match for you. OP was best for her, and now she has a basis of comparison to make an informed choice.

[Been]

She left you for this man. She had been setting this up while the two of you were together. Then once you broke up she had sex with this guy.

It wasn't what she though it would be.

Why are you having a hard time with this? Because your GUT INSTINCT is telling you to move on which you should.

She basically ruined anything special you two had. Now it will never be the same. And that was her fault.

Just because she broke up with you first and them had sex with him doesn't excuse her action since this had been put in motion long before you broke up.

Let me ask you something- do you know any of her co workers at her last job?

[Stephen44]

She slept with someone else on break and realizes she didn't love him. I think you're in. But talk about issues to make sure there's a solid foundation going forward.

[Marc878]

We went on a 'break' because for a few months it felt like we werent together. Being on so opposite schedules it felt like I never saw her. We were together but it felt like we stopped 'dating'. She became insecure whether I wanted to same things in life as her. As in taking the next step with moving in, kids, etc down the road. But then I start to think, is that an easy excuse to sleep with this guy? She was the one that wanted the break.

 

Read between the lines. She wanted the break to test drive her new guy.

 

Pretty typical wayward behavior. This happens all the time but most just don't want to see it.

 

The truth will set you free if you let it.

[ExpatInItaly]

She left you to test-drive her crush. It didn't work out. So now she's crying for you back. This isn't complicated, but it sure is lousy.

 

OP, a woman who is invested and really in love with you doesn't do the above. She tries to work out another plan of action with you, so that a break-up doesn't happen.

 

For this reason, I would tell her to kick rocks. She wasn't invested enough the first time to try to work together with you around your busy schedules. She is thus very likely to pull this again, because her heart and mind are not really with you. You're convenient, but you're not her forever guy.

[Hatelove_1]

The reason is she destroyed everything you thought the two of you had.

 

Stop trying to make excuses for her on why she left the first time for the four month break. The true is she didn't love you enough to stay and work through whatever was going on. This is what is eating you up. How can you help being guarded now. With what she has done.

 

One question the guy she saw during this break, when did she meet him? Has she know him for years or did they meet after the break up?

 

This says it all. I went through something like this and we tried 3 times. It didn't work. It's not the same. Know yourself better than to go back to something that is already broken. I tried and failed. Whatever her reasons were she walked instead of working out problems.

 

My ex got a new girlfriend and then came back with the " I made a mistake line" I took him back after I had fallen out of love with him. That picture perfect was ruined forever the minute he decided to walk away. It was eating me alive.

 

You deserve better. Easier said than done but please, I suggest you move on. Im now suffering the stress of breakup number 3. It only gets worse.

[Jackson3]

I'm really trying everything I can to make these feelings go away. But 1. Even after all of her promises I still have that gut feeling, I keep asking myself, I've heard all of this before, what's to say it won't happen again? 2. I want to call her a slut taking her pants off so early, when I couldn't even look at another girl, but that it absolutely the wrong thing to do. And 3. Every time I look at her I think of this guy, making love to her being on top of her. That magic I felt for her before isn't what it used to be but I want it back. Am I being ridiculous to fight for those feelings back? Or are they long gone? I love this girl more than anything. Am I being blinded? I'm so lost on how to feel at this moment.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm really trying everything I can to make these feelings go away. But 1. Even after all of her promises I still have that gut feeling, I keep asking myself, I've heard all of this before, what's to say it won't happen again? 2. I want to call her a slut taking her pants off so early, when I couldn't even look at another girl, but that it absolutely the wrong thing to do. And 3. Every time I look at her I think of this guy, making love to her being on top of her. That magic I felt for her before isn't what it used to be but I want it back. Am I being ridiculous to fight for those feelings back? Or are they long gone? I love this girl more than anything. Am I being blinded? I'm so lost on how to feel at this moment.

 

In my opinion, yes.

 

They were gone before she broke it off and hooked up with someone else - hence her ease in doing so. She is young, has probably not dated much apart from you, and is clearly not ready to settle down. In my experience, situations like this rarely involve a successful and lasting reconciliation.

[PegNosePete]

Am I being ridiculous to fight for those feelings back? Or are they long gone?

Not ridiculous, just as you say, blinded.

 

You cannot change the past. What's done is done. You can't simply remove your feelings, any more than you can go back in time and change her actions.

 

What you had before is gone. You now have the choice. Build a new relationship with this new person (who is different than the person you knew before), or move on to find someone with higher moral values. There is no "go back in time" option. The choice is yours.

[kortz]

Of course she's back because the other guy didn't work out. And that's what dating is for, after all, to determine who is the best match for you. OP was best for her, and now she has a basis of comparison to make an informed choice.

 

No!!! The OP wasn't the best for her otherwise she wouldn't have left in the first place!!! Will she need another comparison in a few months time? is that ok with you?

 

She also conveniently came back after screwing another guy, its not like she went on a date or two where nothing intimate happened and then she came to her senses...she went far enough to sleep with someone else which is totally fine if she didn't want to come back but she's now made her bed and must lie in it! She cannot expect that her actions don't have consequences and the OP should tell her to f off and find someone who respects him.

[Hatelove_1]

Oh OP.

 

I was in your shoes JUST a year and also a few months ago and even a FEW WEEKS ago.

 

Based on what you are describing, you will most likely not get those feelings back. I tried for over a year with no success.

 

My partner wasn't terrible when he came back but that MAGIC was 100% gone. He tried in ways he could but unfortunately it wasn't enough.

 

Prior to my ex leaving me, I felt like I had won the lottery with him. I remember our first thanksgiving together and how grateful I was. I was even thankful for all my past heartbreaks because they led me to him. I considered myself the luckiest girl in the world for FINALLY finding someone "worth all the heartbreak". I looked at him and literally felt like I had the world in my hands. Just seeing his face made me smile, seeing him sleep made me happy, my family loved him and vise versa, we had a great relationship (so I thought) everything was just as close to perfection as it got. Early on I knew I wanted a future with him. Also first time i've actually been in love. It couldn't have gotten any better.

 

Turns out that after he left me and came back I didn't feel so lucky anymore. Every time I looked at him, I remembered him and this other girl, all I could see is the smile in his face on the picture he posted on instagram and whatsapp with this girl meanwhile I was dying everyday inside. Turns out my lottery ticket was probably not a real winning ticket.

 

He walked instead of communicating with me, How lucky was I after all?

 

I don't know OP but I tried for a very long time and those feelings never really came back. He was close to asking me to marry him and when I found out he had a ring, I was filled with anxiety, mind you getting married is one of my DREAMS. Something I've always and still looking forward to. When I was filled with 200X more anxiety. After trying for so long I realized that those feelings are never coming back.

 

I really think they will but with someone else.

 

Im 27 and my ex is 27 as well yet with the mind of a 20 year old.You sound well grounded, for your own sake, I think you should move on from this girl. She is also very young, I can see her changing her mind a few more times before she actually settles down.