Am I in denial

[pinkcat99]

It has nearly been a month since I was dumped by my ex boyfriend.

 

We met in feb and he asked me to be his girlfriend around may 12.

When we first met there was an instant attraction, I felt we bonded fairly quickly. He told me things that he had never told anyone before, he said I made him feel confident and powerful. We had fun together, we could be ourselves around one another and just spend all day doing jack **** and be content with one another.

We had plans to visit his family for thanksgiving and I was suppose to be his date at his best friends wedding this month, so I though we were solid.

 

However, I was stressed out at work and my personal life was a disaster, I would pick fights with him because I am super insecure. He has a lot of friends and he is loved by them, they are like family, so this would make me feel somewhat uncomfortable because I am a very introverted person, and it was a lot at the time to meet so many people but we would try to work things out. In the back of my mind I felt guilty and perhaps he resented me just a little because of said situation. I always felt there was a hierarchy, he would obviously choose his friends over me, which is fine, but I always question his sweet gestures because I would feel like he would even give his friends the same treatment.

--from what he told me his ex of two years would try to control his behavior and down time with his friends, even though they were all mutual friends and have known each other for years--

 

Long story short, my insecurity and jealousy caused our brake up.

Of course, me being the emotional wreck I am I tried to convince him not to break up with me, promised I'd change, etc. I would call him for a week, we would talk and he would seem to want to work out things with me, then change his mind. When I asked him to give me my things back, he left them at the door step, then came back when I called him.

 

He said he was crying himself to sleep the whole week, and i would say, "then why break up with me", he replied, " You need to love yourself, I promised myself I wouldn't be in a miserable relationship again"

The last time we saw each other he said that if I changed then, "maybe, but I can't tell the future", then we were talking about having a future together if that ever happened. He said he was still attracted to me, that he likes me, thinks I am beautiful--things he would always say but never believe because I was too insecure to see any of it.

 

Things ended well, or so I though. He said we could text and be friends, then he would said its weird and confusing and that he doesn't know what he wants.

So, that Friday we were texting back and fourth and it was fine, then he just stopped. Saturday and Sunday I left him a voice mail and a text asking if everything is okay, he didn't reply or call back.

 

A week later I asked him I could talk he said on Monday, didn't call until Tuesday. I just wanted to clarify what was going on between us and he was just so angry at me, telling me that we broke up, then he says "I can't tell the future between us." I just wanted a well defined answer so I could know for sure that we were through. I was upset that he left me hanging for a week, he even acknowledged it and apologized for doing so.

 

He said that he wouldn't be dating for a while because dating soon after a break up is a terrible idea. I believed him because he stayed single for nearly two years after his break up. Then I find him on a dating site (long story short; I called him out on this before because I noticed he was online about a month ago, which we talked about) a week later after he dumped me.

This is all shocking to me because he is a sweet, honest, sensitive guy and for him to do that? I don't know what to make of it.

Of course, I would love to reconcile, but I don't know whats going on. This is different than my other break ups. Usually I'll get a call back with in a week or two, or we stay in contact as friends. I have never had anyone act so coldly towards me, it hurts to be ignored and treated like our relationship meant nothing.

 

I would really appreciate some feed back.

What do you guys think?

Edited September 11, 2017 by pinkcat99
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[springy]

Give him space (do not contact him unless he reaches out to you) and start tackling that insecurity. It is draining to be in a relationship with an insecure person. Knock that out and you will be in a good position for future relationships. We all have insecurities, but when they get out of control and we expect our partners to hold us up with constant reassurance or by trying to control what they do we end up pushing them away. It sounds like he's been through something similar and therefore has less tolerance/patience for it.

 

Do not watch his dating site activity or try to "call him out on it". That will just make things worse for you. It'd be like you're still trying to control him and you're not even together. Don't watch his activity at all. Good luck.

[Steve51]

I am going to guess that there was sex involved and when they was no longer exciting he needed someone else to have sex with. Am I right? Men often mistake lust for love. I did once and that is why my girlfriend from high school is now my ex fiancé.

 

This is how instant attraction worked for us. We met on a train and were engaged three weeks later. She was a virgin so no sex involved which was very unlike me. We got married a few months later and are now married for 45 years. I knew it was real love because I never dated women who did not enjoy sex as I did.

 

There is something called new relationship excitement (NRE). It is genetic to be want to spend as much time as possible with a new partner. You both overlook each other's faults and everything you both say is taken as baring your soul and very interesting. However, that NRE wears off and then one or the other is no longer looking at their partner through NRE glasses. That is when the decision is made to pursue or end the relationship. The same thing happens when you get married. The courtship love wears off and then you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with your spouse and is the time when most will cheat of get divorced.

 

It was not meant to be so move on. I was once devastated by my first love and ex fiancé of 5 years. At the time I thought that I would never find love again. Turns out that her cheating on me rather than just breaking up, was the single best thing that happened to me. She ended up as a drug addict sleeping with guys for drugs and a dry bed. She joined a commune where she got pregnant by one of the many guys she was passed around to. She was seriously mentally ill and acting on what the voices in her head told her. She had a kid and in desparation married a guy for support. She told me that she divorced him the week after he wrote the last college tuition check for her son and married a woman. She said it like she was proud of what she did. She is now 450 lbs and looks like life really knocker her down and dragged her through the mud. Had I married her my life would not have been as wonderful as it is and exceeded all of my expectations of marriage and a wife. Best you know now and not after he cheats on you.

[Lauradlou]

I am really sorry about your situation. Break-ups are never easy and generally take a long time to heal. I would suggest you find hobbies/activities that you enjoy, meet some new people that like similar things and friendships will come. Start believing you are worth something, because you are! I will be praying for healing and strength for you to move forward. Best of luck to you!