TOXIC: break-up with delusional ex-gf

[TwinFlameGone]

Ended a 3 year relationship with live-in GF. I'm not heartbroken and NC shouldn't be a problem here. My issue is in trying to understand what happened:

 

We had a great last few months together and were discussing marriage. She announces she's going on a trip to a resort area. I feel uneasy about how abrupt the news of this trip came. I'm suspicious of who she's with. I break-up with her via email and ask that if we were to continue we'd have to be transparent with each other.

 

She makes no attempts to explain anything. In fact, when confronting her about it things escalate immediately to the discussing of her moving out. While she's away our text messages are heated and she ask that I stop texting and calling her for no reason.

 

Finally, she returns back to our place. It's complete silence. It's almost as if she's turned the whole thing around and she's breaking up with me. As she's packing her things I do everything in my power to let her be. After she finishes packing she lives to stay at a girlfriends place with the promise she'll be back to pick her things up.

 

During the time that I'm waiting for her to pick up her belongings we rift a bit. She ask that I load her stuff up and bring them to her. I explain to her that none of this is my fault - if you want your things come and get them and I give a deadline.

 

TRY'S MAKE ME JEALOUS HERE:

She cancels a few times to pick her things up. In one case she went as far as telling me she couldn't make it because she has a date. She goes on to tell me about this trip weekend get-a-way she's taking. I stick to focusing on the move-out. Finally she shows up to move her things. I was a gentleman and even helped her pack. While moving things she started to get bossy with me and sort of demeaning in the placement of boxes and loading her stuff up. I'M DOING HER THE FAVOR (shocked and disrespected by her).

 

PLEASE help me understand how she cold act so coldly. After confronting her on email. Her only retort was how I was so "insecure" and unable to act my age. She argued that after I broke up with her she has nothing to explain. When were finally face-to-face she acted as if we didn't live together for 3 years and were "in love" with future plans. Her attitude was so cold, and distant. I can't wrap my head around it. HELP!!!

[Been]

What made you question the trip?

[d0nnivain]

You broke up the woman you LIVE WITH for 3 years via e-mail? Are you serious?

 

 

I would be cold & not talking to you too. How positively gauche & cruel. If you had issues with her going on a trip you should have sat her down & talked to her. Instead you acted passive aggressive then blindsided the woman. Now you expect her to be "transparent".

 

 

You are your own worst enemy. Until you actually learn how to communicate in a relationship don't get into another one.

[TwinFlameGone]

What made you question the trip?

 

The more questions I asked about the trip the answers got vague. Then there were too many added details. Our conversation left me with more questions, than answers. It was obvious that I wasn't getting the whole story.

[d0nnivain]

The more questions I asked about the trip the answers got vague. Then there were too many added details. Our conversation left me with more questions, than answers. It was obvious that I wasn't getting the whole story.

 

 

Then the answer may be she's being cold now because she went on the trip to bang another guy but now feels guilty for having been caught.

 

 

Either way if you wanted transparency you needed to make that clear to her in person before she left, not send her a break up e-mail while she was away.

[TwinFlameGone]

You broke up the woman you LIVE WITH for 3 years via e-mail? Are you serious?

 

 

I would be cold & not talking to you too. How positively gauche & cruel. If you had issues with her going on a trip you should have sat her down & talked to her. Instead you acted passive aggressive then blindsided the woman. Now you expect her to be "transparent".

 

 

You are your own worst enemy. Until you actually learn how to communicate in a relationship don't get into another one.

 

I know it sounds harsh to send a break-up email. She was not available by phone. It was clear that she was lying to me after checking her social media. It almost seemed to me that the trip was her telling and showing me that our relationship was really over.

[d0nnivain]

I know it sounds harsh to send a break-up email. She was not available by phone. It was clear that she was lying to me after checking her social media. It almost seemed to me that the trip was her telling and showing me that our relationship was really over.

 

 

So if you know she's a liar what do you care if she's polite or cold to you now? As painful as a break up is, when it's for reasons like these part of you simply needs to be glad she's gone.

[TwinFlameGone]

Then the answer may be she's being cold now because she went on the trip to bang another guy but now feels guilty for having been caught.

 

 

Either way if you wanted transparency you needed to make that clear to her in person before she left, not send her a break up e-mail while she was away.

 

Before the trip I asked questions, even pointed out holes in her story. I didn't make a big deal of it. I figured I'd lay back and see what revealed itself. If you could see how all the pieces of the puzzle were forming together in my mind - waiting for her to return would have been a highly confrontational break-up.

 

My email to her was more in line with pointing out our issues with communication and saying we'd have to fix this in order to continue. If we can't we shouldn't be together. She flipped everything around and made it seem that I didn't trust her. No acknowledgement about the trip and lack of details you'd normally share with your SO.

[d0nnivain]

She flipped everything around and made it seem that I didn't trust her.

 

 

Well of course you didn't trust her. You have proof she lied to you. Unless she thinks you are a fool or an idiot, it was unreasonable for her to expect your trust.

 

 

I don't understand why it would have been a highly confrontational break up. In situations like that I am more calm. I caught an EX in a big lie. I calmly & quietly said to him: You lied. You must think me a fool. I can't abide the lying or the idea that you thought I wouldn't find out when it was so easy to check. I'm done. Please pack your bags & go. You have one week.

 

 

 

No confrontation. No raised voices. No room for debate. My voice was so ice cold you could see a layer of frost on my living furniture as I spoke. He didn't even bother to argue.

[TwinFlameGone]

So if you know she's a liar what do you care if she's polite or cold to you now? As painful as a break up is, when it's for reasons like these part of you simply needs to be glad she's gone.

 

I am glad it's over in some way. I'm not hurt to the point of tears. I can't ration how someone could act is if we never knew each other while we're meeting up to end things. It makes me wonder if she was ever sincere in being in our relationship or if she was faking it the entire time. We've argued and talked about breaking things off before, but there was always some fight on her part.

 

When she came to pick up her things it was like a business transaction. I followed all the recommended things:

 

a) letting her reach out to me

b) not bringing up old wounds

c) wrote her supporting her choice to move on. wished her the best.

d) helped her move her things out

 

 

I was a good BF to her. In fact, as things were getting heated two of her best friends text me asking ME to make things right and try to fix the relationship. I don't know if this was a ploy or not. To me it shows that I didn't end things for no reason. I wonder if she'll ever be accountable to herself for what happened. I expected more from someone I've lived with and grown so close to.

[TwinFlameGone]

Well of course you didn't trust her. You have proof she lied to you. Unless she thinks you are a fool or an idiot, it was unreasonable for her to expect your trust.

 

 

I don't understand why it would have been a highly confrontational break up. In situations like that I am more calm. I caught an EX in a big lie. I calmly & quietly said to him: You lied. You must think me a fool. I can't abide the lying or the idea that you thought I wouldn't find out when it was so easy to check. I'm done. Please pack your bags & go. You have one week.

 

 

 

No confrontation. No raised voices. No room for debate. My voice was so ice cold you could see a layer of frost on my living furniture as I spoke. He didn't even bother to argue.

 

THANKS for going back and forth with me on this. It's HELPFUL. I lost it over text and phone calls. I an emotional wreck. Once we met in person I felt unusually calm. I didn't argue one bit. I sat back and let her pack and provided assistance when asked. She definitely seemed bothered while packing her stuff. She'd be snippy when asking her about something. Didn't make eye contact. It was very odd behavior. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I was calm and collected that threw her off or not.

[TwinFlameGone]

I knew the day was coming when the ex-gf would officially pick up all her things from my house. I read up on how to end things on a positive note. I was patient, helping, gave her space. She was noticeably short with me and uncommunicative. The only few times she spoke to me were pertaining to the move.

 

She and her BFF have everything loaded and I leave to go to check for any final items. Before I could come down stairs to her car she had driven off. She only sent a text saying "Finished. We're done". Then a 2nd text "Is there anything left?"

 

At that point, I realize her intent was either to drive off and be done with everything "OR" she purposely left that last piece of luggage for me to contact her later. I'll never know exactly ???

 

I text her back saying she forgot a piece of luggage. As she's meeting me to pick it up. She has no intention of getting out the car. She ask that I put it in the trunk. I tell her "NO" and I place her luggage outside her car door and walk off. I look at her and tell her "Good luck, wish you all the best". She goes on to talk about how I brought her bag this far, why not put it in the trunk !!! She was saying it as if I was her butler... I repeat the same thing to her "Good luck, wish you all the best".

 

It was a civil move up until the end. Was I wrong in not putting her bag in the trunk how she asked? It wasn't a heavy emotional ordeal; but it's possibly the last time we'll contact each other again.

 

She was snippy most of the time while moving out if I asked her a question... It baffles me where the anger and heartlessness came from.

 

My hope is that the bad ending of our relationship gets overshadowed by the Good that was in it. I hope she does contact me again; if only to finally have a real conversation about what was going on with her. 3 years is a long time. I'm optimistic in the fact we separated and moved on because our relationship got to the point that me walking away from her was the only way of her realizing my value.

[TwinFlameGone]

long story. broke up 3 year relationship a few days ago. ex-gf picked up her things and acted as if she never knew me. it was the oddest behavior ever. overtime in the relationship i realized I had to let her go if I ever wanted her to see my value and we reestablish things properly...

 

to help myself with moving on and the loneliness of my ex-gf leaving me. i invited my BIGGEST heartbreak ever to stay with me for a week or two. we dated for 5 years and the break-up ended so badly we didn't see or talk for another 4-5 years. had a few other LTR since her. after spending time with her I realized "I could never date her again". she's basically turning into her mother, whom I found annoying as hell. she's on the decline (late 30s) from when I met her and she's sort of desperate now. I thought having an ex-ex-gf over would help get over my recent break-up. it's not helping....

 

the one thing having my ex-ex-gf over does is confirm that "LETTING GO" is the best thing if the relationship didn't suit you. it also proves to me that exes will come back if you treated them right and DON'T BEG.

[ExpatInItaly]

it also proves to me that exes will come back if you treated them right and DON'T BEG.

 

I'm afraid that's just not the case for everyone. I have broken up with a couple of men who were lovely people, but ultimately not right for me. We had always treated each with respect but the relationships ran their course. I have never gone back to either.

 

It's good that you realized this particular ex isn't for you. But you might want to ask yourself why your coping mechanism to deal with your recent break-up was to seek out a woman who had previously also broken your heart. It would be far healthier for you to learn to deal with painful feelings without looking for someone who once was the very source of them.

[TwinFlameGone]

During the fallout of my recent break-up I was contacted by her best friend via text message. The first message was something to the effect of "make things right with my girl". I found it odd because this was the point my ex-gf was throwing her biggest ***** fit.

 

After the break-up was fully in swing and before my ex-gf came to pick up her things I get a call from two of her friends on FaceTime.. it was brief and in all cases that the exes friends have contacted me I made no mention of the break-up and kept it cordial.

 

Question: Why did they call? Was it a spy mission?

 

As the break-up was happening there was no way to stop it. I didn't beg or anything. Once my GF was fine going in the motion of ending things I assisted in moving things to an end. It sucked so bad. As she was packing her things I wanted to grab her, hold her and look her in the eyes and scream "DON'T LEAVE"... that didn't happen. she packed, I helped and she never even said goodbye. She's GONE.

[TwinFlameGone]

I'm afraid that's just not the case for everyone. I have broken up with a couple of men who were lovely people, but ultimately not right for me. We had always treated each with respect but the relationships ran their course. I have never gone back to either.

 

It's good that you realized this particular ex isn't for you. But you might want to ask yourself why your coping mechanism to deal with your recent break-up was to seek out a woman who had previously also broken your heart. It would be far healthier for you to learn to deal with painful feelings without looking for someone who once was the very source of them.

 

It's not really a coping mechanism. I was alone and bored. Tried online dating and it's exhausting... At this point, I don't even want sex with someone new.

 

I invited her mainly because she's in the path of the pending hurricane. It's also been helpful chatting with her about our break-up. I've been cracking some jokes at her expense about it. lol. Every ex-gf that I ever had eventually came back to me. lol. Why? I have no idea. I assume it's because I've been a bachelor with no kids all my life.

[Tromboneman]

Spy mission or not.. It is not your concern.. If it is bothering you Block them too..

 

Friends of an ex eventhough well meaning take you to old times mentally.. Best to avoid them

[ExpatInItaly]

You yourself said you invited her over to help you move on and with the loneliness after your most recent ex left. That is essentially the definition of coping mechanism.

 

In any case, it's not a good idea. Instead, you should learn to grit your teeth through the pain rather than going back to exes to soothe you. Yeah, a little affection feels good in the moment. But it won't help you in the long run. Again, you actually said "it's not helping..."

 

Reading through your other threads about this break-up, your relationship had deteriorated and there was immaturity and games on both sides. It's time to let go, sit with the grief, and really move on so you don't perpetuate unhealthy relationship behaviour in the future with a new girlfriend.

[TwinFlameGone]

Another friend just called me. Very strange as she's never called me before. I answer and tell her I didn't recognize the number. She's like "I wasn't saved". I then tell her I lost her info amongst the split. She pretends she doesn't know anything about it and says she just got back in town.

 

We then get into a conversation about a topic related to my industry of work... as if that was the reason she was calling. I must say that she had lots of knowledge in our talk and it was fruitful.

 

I'm just unsure on why she called me and could not know the status of my recent breakup with her best friend (my ex-GF).

 

Thoughts ???

[stillafool]

Maybe these "friends" want to get with you. I find it odd that they would call without even mentioning her if they were interested in getting you two back together. I think they are calling for themselves.

[TwinFlameGone]

Maybe these "friends" want to get with you. I find it odd that they would call without even mentioning her if they were interested in getting you two back together. I think they are calling for themselves.

 

That would be strange. I've spent time with them while in a couple setting. I couldn't imagine they'd be calling me with romantic interest in mind. I'm not 100% but I'd imagine my ex-GF had some knowledge that her friend was going to call me.

[TwinFlameGone]

Well of course you didn't trust her. You have proof she lied to you. Unless she thinks you are a fool or an idiot, it was unreasonable for her to expect your trust.

 

 

I don't understand why it would have been a highly confrontational break up. In situations like that I am more calm. I caught an EX in a big lie. I calmly & quietly said to him: You lied. You must think me a fool. I can't abide the lying or the idea that you thought I wouldn't find out when it was so easy to check. I'm done. Please pack your bags & go. You have one week.

 

 

 

No confrontation. No raised voices. No room for debate. My voice was so ice cold you could see a layer of frost on my living furniture as I spoke. He didn't even bother to argue.

 

When I accessed her of lying she pulled the "insecure" card. That was really hurtful to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

That would be strange. I've spent time with them while in a couple setting. I couldn't imagine they'd be calling me with romantic interest in mind. I'm not 100% but I'd imagine my ex-GF had some knowledge that her friend was going to call me.

 

Meh, it's some misguided and immature "test" your ex put them up to, to see if you'd try to ask about her or hit on them or some such thing.

 

Whatever the motive, I'd ignore these people. It's very highschool-level behaviour.

[TwinFlameGone]

It was a random message saying "Hey". and then a sly reference to a really old ex-girlfriend that came to see me recently. She must of stalked my old girlfriends social media to piece it together.

 

I'm relieved that she at least messaged me after we ended things. It's like a drug. When I got her message I started to feel tingles. I realized now that I've been depressed that past few days; sulking in my sorrows.

 

I don't want to respond casually, and don't want to get into anything heavy. I plan on continuing NC for a bit longer. Tell I'm prepared on how to handle things.

[spiderowl]

You mistrusted your girlfriend (hard for anyone to know whether she was lying to you or not) then you dumped her. She is bound to be angry and upset at being dumped by her long-term boyfriend just like that. This is why she behaved in an odd way when she came round to pack. She cut off because she felt angry and hurt. She was gritting her teeth to get through it. What else would you expect in that situation. You dumped her!

 

This is not to say that you were wrong in your judgement of her behaviour over the trip. It is only to say that her tense and cut-off behaviour with you makes complete sense.

 

Both of you are feeling hurt and betrayed. Yes, it is probably over because it is hard for anyone to get over these kind of feelings. It seems the relationship just naturally fell apart due to gut feelings. Her friends might be trying to sound you out to see how upset you are. So far, you don't appear to have shown her any hurt feelings. You have been cool and rational (which could appear cold and unfeeling to her). You have been determined to be 'in control' and do the smart thing and keep focused on achieving the break-up as calmly as possible. Maybe that was the best thing. Would confrontation have helped? There were obviously unpleasant feelings simmering under the surface before the break-up. She had the power to hurt you if she betrayed you on the trip. You didn't give her chance. By avoiding potential pain, you cut the relationship off before either of you had chance to express deeper feelings. I wonder if that's a good thing or not?

Edited September 11, 2017 by spiderowl