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I miss her more and more everyday


Throwawayaccount12

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Throwawayaccount12

Tl:dr she (22F) dumped me (22F) 3 months ago and got in a rebound 9 days later (20F). Break up plagued by fighting and anger from me because grief, and she said she never wants me in her life anymore. I still want to be with her one day. A part of me wants that to be now. She unblocked me on Facebook the other day and reblocked me today. I've been NC for 3 almost 4 weeks.

 

 

We were together for 1.5 years. At the end of last year, I told my mum I was gay and my "friend" was my gf. Things started to **** up since then. My mum would use my relationship as a power play to get what she wants. I refused something trivial in January 2017, and she banned my gf from coming over. She didn't set foot in my house this entire year. She didn't want me to ask my mum months later when the anger died down between my mum and I.

 

Our intimacy started failing. I tried though. I organised mini hotel getaways twice, but I didn't know that that wasn't enough. I tried to organise weekly get together in the back of my car where we just sit and talk, and try to gain some intimacy. Her parents are homophobic and would disown her if they knew. I originally didn't want to be with her because of that, but thought I'd give it a shot. She didn't tell me this car stuff wasn't enough for her, so I thought everything was fine. If she told me, I would've went to her house or tried something else. But she didn't tell me how she was feeling.

 

She told me she made another gay friend. She met them on the app she met me and I got a bit.. annoyed with the fact it was the same avenue, but a friends a friend and I'm not going to stop her from meeting people.

 

A couple of months later, I start getting stressed out with my home life which turns physically violent and tense for me. I then start my thesis which is more stress, so I started venting my frustrations to my gf. I was never violent, just verbally angry. Little things triggered me because I was so stressed all the time. I ruined a date of ours because I got angry over parking and my gf was getting annoyed, so we both got angry at each other and the date was ruined. I remember crying my eyes out that night in the car, saying how sorry I am for ruining that date night. Saying how scared I am she'll leave me. I went to therapy to help my anger because I wanted us to work. I listened to him and started implementing his strategies and I noticed some changes.

 

I didn't think anything was wrong with us.

 

Fast forward to may. I was having a terrible and stressful week. I didn't vent to her about it, I was just already disappointed with the week. She said she wanted to talk at the park at night after work. I had a bad feeling but went anyways.

 

She dumped me. She said she's unhappy. It's my family, my anger, no intimacy and it felt like we're just friends. Her stress and my stress make everything more stressful. And just like that, she left. She wanted to be friends straight away. I tried but it hurt.

 

That's when I noticed she stopped tagging me in things on Facebook and started tagging someone else... someone I never knew... it was the gay friend she met. I stalked. I realised they were both attracted to each other... she was bring this person closer while with me, while attracted to them. That's infidelity to me.

 

Days go by after the break up, and this person is being publicly flirtatious more and more. That day was supposed to be our month-versary. I saw that **** and blew up. I sent 57 angry messages over 2 hours.

 

I know it was a stupid thing to do. I was so hurt by it. I apologised sincerely. She said she wanted space and I agreed.

 

I've always been **** with space. I'd try and give her space but every few days I'd reach out because I missed her. She sent a really angry message back saying she has feelings for someone else. This was 3 weeks after she left me. I sent a really long and really angry message calling her a cheating c*** and a wh***. That it was obviously going on behind my back in order for her to have "feelings" suddenly. It was obviously screenshot and shared around. I know I was hurt and betrayed, but I shouldn't have verbally abused her.

 

The next 2-3 months I kept trying to fight for her. I don't know why. I guess my naivety of it being my first relationship and first heartbreak and underestimating emotions and irrationality. I did stupid things because I was desperate. Given her family is homophobic, I didn't go to her house. But I kept going to her work. I just wanted to ask her can we talk when she's free. I gave her her USB back as well one time because I needed it gone. Idk how many times overall I went. I know now it was bad. It was selfish of me. Every time I tried to express myself and get closure, she'd invalidate me and scream at me. I did manage to apologise to her in depth one time. But the last time I saw her at her work, she screamed at me next to a coworker. I asked her why she judges me on my grief? Why is it always a competition between her feelings and mine? All I've ever wanted was to let all the hurt out. Not abusively. I just wanted to say what I needed to say so I don't have a reason to talk to her. She didn't want anything to do with me and screamed at me to leave. I managed to say before I left, "whatever, you left me for someone else at the end of the day".

 

I got an angry text from her the next day basically telling me to **** off, she doesn't plan on or want to come back into my life after what I've said and done. She mentioned seeing a message I sent to a friend at the time saying I hope she gets hurt physically. I didn't mean that, I was just venting because I needed to vent. After that interaction, I never wanted to try again. I sent a email the next day with everything I wanted to say so I move on. Idk if she read it, but I stand by what I said in that email.

 

A few days pass, and I get harassed by the rebounds friend. They're about 18-20. They add me on Facebook. I asked them who they were and why'd they add me. They said I'm deformed and wanna show their friends. I screenshot everything as evidence of online intimidation because this was the second time I've been harassed by the rebounds friend. It's obvious the rebound is saying stuff about me to others to contact me, but my ex didn't believe me when I sent the screenshots of the interaction. The ex warned that person to **** off but still believed the rebound. We ended on a semi positive note and she blocked my second Facebook account since she already blocked my primary one.

 

Other things I'll mention is that I found the rebounds twitter and this person has publicly posted my ex's text sexts without her consent. I was debating telling my ex, but she told me to **** off, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i Felt physically sick seeing it all. That's how I know it was 9 days for her to be with the rebound. I felt so stupid for trying to reconcile for 2-3 months when she was already ****ing someone else. I never wanted to ever see her again after that. It confirmed the emotional cheating that she always invalidated and screamed that she ever cheated.

 

I ran into her a week or so later. Didn't wave, smile, go after her; nothing. I just froze. Awkward eye contact but that's all.

 

The other day I unblocked her on Facebook to see how I'd feel in terms of anxiety. I felt a bit anxious but forgot to reblock so it wasn't that important to me. The next day I noticed she unblocked me on Facebook too. I kept wondering if that meant she wanted to reconcile one day. If she wanted attention. If she wanted to stalk my pics because I went skydiving and uploaded a new dp. But my security settings were high so it would've been pointless to stalk.

 

I decided to leave it. I didn't reach out. I maintained nc. Almost 4 weeks now. She reblocked me today, and it's hurt a lot. Why would she unblock me? Why would she reblock me?

 

Why do I still want to reconcile one day? Why do I still love her?

 

I've been focusing on myself a lot these past 4 weeks. I've been going out and meeting a lot of people and pushing the limits of my anxiety. I have reevaluated my goals and things I need to do and want to do. I haven't seen her or spoken to her and I don't necessarily want to while the rebound is still hanging around.

 

But I still feel like a complete **** up for holding onto a 0.01% chance of reconciliation. Whoever is reading this probably thinks I'm nuts. That's fine. Please don't refer to me as that though. I am genuinely trying to get better. I know I wasted my time trying to fight. Had I known she was already ****ing someone, I wouldn't have tried. This rebound is beneath me. They're dumb, ugly, an actual criminal that has ties to drugs even though my ex's cousin overdosed on heroin, and is a try hard. While I can find solace in that, it hurts because my ex is with this person and not me.

 

I know I ****ed up a lot. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. Because I hate myself, it's lessened the anger and betrayal I feel because of what she's done.

 

Is this a case of grass is greener? I just don't understand how things can be fine one minute, and ****ed the next. I've slowly been getting better. Healing isn't linear. But since seeing her coincidentally 1.5 weeks ago and now the unblocking and reblocking fiasco, I'm just confused with everything. I'm tempted to stalk the rebounds twitter, but I'm not going to because I have to focus on my work and healing. I'm putting myself first and foremost before my ex's rebound.

 

I don't know if I should reblock my ex on Facebook. I don't know if I should leave it. I don't know why she unblocked and reblocked. I don't know why I thought it was a sign of possibly heading towards reconciliation one day. I don't know why I'm really hurt over this. I don't know why I keep wondering if she'll come back. I don't know why I wonder if she misses me or regrets leaving me, or if she'll come back one day.

 

All I know is that I'm hurt, I'm slightly regressing, I'm not going to try and see her or speak to her. She'd have to contact me first. But still, I stupidly thought things might be okay one day. I just don't know what to do now. She moved on in a blink of an eye, and I'm still struggling to pick the tiny pieces of myself back up.

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FilterCoffee

Hi Throwawayaccount12,

 

What you're going through is perfectly normal for a person who has just been through a break up after a long relationship. My gf broke up (she wanted "a break" and I'm still not sure what it means) with me in June after being together for nearly 4 years and I was in complete shambles for a couple of months. I did so many things that were counter productive in winning her back that I was better off just doing nothing. I really f***ed up in June and July and I only got a hold of myself recently when she left town for a couple of weeks.

 

What really helped me in partially overcoming the grief was getting my life in order. I began re-evaluating all aspects of my life and made a list of all the goals that I wanted to accomplish in the short run. For me those were:

1) Exercising and getting in shape

2) Re-acquainting myself with old friends

3) Enhancing my profile for graduate school (which I'm planning to apply for this year)

4) Starting something new at work that excites me

5) Learning to play the guitar

 

When my ex (or whatever she is) saw me after getting back, she was pleasantly surprised. Even though it had only been a couple of weeks, she could notice all the changes I had made and she felt that the break was working. Now I'm not sure if we're going to get back or not but at least I'm in a much better place to handle whatever happens.

 

It's hard to say if your ex has moved on but you're doing the right thing by not contacting her. You need to get to a place where it doesn't matter whether you two get back together or not; either way, you're going to be happy. It's obviously easier said than done but it's great that you're focussing on yourself. Just keep at it. I too have really bad days when I get all depressed and **** but my new routine doesn't allow me to stay down for long. My last piece of advice to you is get rid of your bad habits and start building new ones that are good for you. I hadn't exercised in years but now I feel like I need to do it every day. I go to bed early and try to get a good nights rest and I stopped buying fatty foods. Some people drink or do drugs but I binge eat on sugary and oily stuff when I'm depressed so I cut the supply.

 

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

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Throwawayaccount12

Thanks for your response. I just feel like an idiot for wanting to be with her still when I don't know if that's even possible. I think I'll always have a soft spot and want to be with her because it was my first relationship and first love. Sigh.

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Throwawayaccount12

So, I do want to reconcile and another shot some day. She's with a rebound now and has been 9 days after leaving me after 1.5 years, 3 months ago.

 

I blocked her off everything 3-4 weeks ago because I was so tired of trying to fight for her when she constantly screamed at me an invalidated me.

 

I unblocked her on Facebook because I wanted to see how I personally would feel. I felt a bit anxious, but I was still blocked. I had to wait 48 hours to reblock, but forgot. The next day after I unblocked her, my ex unblocked me too. She didn't reach out and neither did I.

 

Why would she do this? Was it to stalk and see my new pic of me skydiving even though she couldn't see it properly because of my high security settings?

 

I started thinking this was a step in the right direction towards possible reconciliation one day. That the dust was settling on all the anger and fighting that happened during the breakup.

 

48 hours pass, unblocked still. Don't know why I kept checking.

 

The next day I was reblocked and I'm not going to lie, it hurt a lot.

 

I don't understand why she'd unblock at all, then block me later? I didn't reach out, which I'm proud of, but it hurts so much. Was this a breadcrumb? Attention seeking? A chance for me to reach out even though her message option was off? I don't understand. Do I block her back? I don't want her to know it affects me.

 

Is this whole rebound thing a grass is greener scenario? I still hope she comes back even though she has screamed at me numerous times to **** off, to leave her alone, and that she doesn't want me in her life.

 

I know I'm an idiot, but I can't help thinking that things might change in future. No one knows what'll happen. :(

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No one knows what'll happen. :(

 

? answers in order:

Who cares. Stay off facebook.

High maximum security clearance what? No.

Who cares. Stay off facebook.

Yes.

Maybe.

No.

Yes, block her back. Stay off facebook.

Maybe, if it makes you feel better yes, it's definitely GIGS.

 

As to "no one knows," I know that she said deliberately to your face to f off and you should respect that as reason enough NOT to want this girl. Things will change in the future. You will be better, more mature, and find someone better. What will happen is she will bounce through rebounds until she too finds someone better. And both of you will live happy, healthy, and productive lives but not together. The end.

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You know, she could be wondering right now why you unblocked her. Or she may not be thinking about you at all. Thing is, we can only guess what's going on.

 

Can't give you any idea about whether or not she'd want to try again, but the fact that she was screaming at you to get out of her life and is now dating others makes me think there's not much chance. And no, it's not GIGS.

 

What happened to leave her screaming at you to get away from her?

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Throwawayaccount12

I know it's wrong do you don't need to judge me more than i judge myself:

 

I went to her work just to ask if we could talk after her shift because there still was a lot I needed to say because it always felt like I'm competiting with who's allowed to feel hurt etc. I sent a long angry message before after she told me about this rebound because it was less than 3 weeks after she left me that she told me she has "feelings" for them. So I was trying to fix all the bad stuff I did because I felt terrible. But every time I tried she would scream at me. I'm not gonna bother with it anymore though.

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Whatever brings resolution and closure to all of it is good. If it takes a couple more rebuffs from her to make it stick in your mind, that's fine.

 

You are entirely allowed to feel hurt knowing she emotionally left the relationship long before it ended. You are allowed to feel hurt that she screams at you instead of maintaining an adult demeanor. You are allowed to be mad at hurt and feel she is the worst. Best is to feel and think and say and express to whomever will listen exactly why it's better that you two are NOT together. Anytime you get the urge to stalk back on social media, go run, post something here, or call a friend. Just make sure you stay NC.

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FilterCoffee

I can totally relate. Even I have a soft spot for my ex because I was so deeply invested in that relationship. In fact, I'm still trying to figure out if we're going to be together or not. I'm doing everything I can to be a better person but even then it doesn't seem to be enough for us. It's hard to be patient and I'm hanging on to the hope that things are going to get better between us. All that's keeping my mind from going bonkers are my new routines and the good habits that I've formed. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's difficult what we're going through.

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Breadcrumbs you can touch and eat. She didn't give you breadcrumbs, she gave you nothing. You got nothing!

 

Block her for ever.

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She broke up with you & is now with another guy. That may not be rebounding. She could have been well & truly done with you emotionally before she actually pulled the trigger & broke things off.

 

Unfriend & block her from all social media. You need to do that so you can heal. Never mind about what she's doing. She's your EX.

 

You think you want her back. You really don't. What you want is the happy breezy enjoyable relationship you had at the beginning before the screaming, before she routinely invalidated you. That is not the woman she is now. Now she's a disrespectful person who does not care about you. Her you need to let go of for your own peace of mind.

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Throwawayaccount12

I guess I just want her to wake up and realise what she truly lost when she left me for someone else... Like, this other person does drugs/has a history with drugs and police and my ex's cousin overdosed on heroin and died. This other person has posted things about my ex to get to me, such as screenshot my ex's sext texts to the other person and has publicly posted them on the net so I see it. I haven't told my ex though.

 

Like this person is complete scum and I'm just... confused with her wanting this other person. It hurts so much because I tried my best with her and was the best version of myself with her, and it or I wasnt enough. Sigh.

 

I've reblocked.

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Throwawayaccount12

I still have hope (although its a 0.01% chance of it happening) that she'll come back and want to reconcile.

 

The break up in some way was mutual, because I understood that she was unhappy. However, a few days later I realised she was already attracted to someone else and was attracted to this other person while with me and trying to bring them closer... That's emotional cheating to me. Not sure if its the same opinion for anyone else.

 

Anyways so finding that stuff, I basically blew up because it felt like the entire breakup was a lie just so she can be with this other person. I said really angry and hurtful things, because she pretty much cheated on me. She started dating them 9 days after leaving me 3 months ago, while i was trying to fight for her for 2-3 months, lol. I'm an idiot.

 

I guess I was the only one who meant it when we said that I'd always chose her.

 

 

Is reconciliation possible if the breakup was plagued by fighting? I was never disrespectful during our 1.5 year relationship. I was only ever hurtful finding out she was betraying me in a way behind my back, after breaking up with me.

 

Even though who she is now is ****ty and I'm incredibly angry and resentful, a part of me, the dumb part lol, wants reconciliation one day. But I'm not sure if that'd ever be possible because of the very angry messages I sent.

 

How do I get over this hope?

Reconciliation wont ever happen, right? It's been almost 4 months of the break up, 4 weeks no contact (yay me - I dont ever want to break it). I'm not putting my life on hold, im doing the things I want to and spending money on me and re-evaluating my goals... but I still think about her, wanting to reconcile, etc.

 

I know I'm a great person and I know the things I need to work on and I'm doing it - for myself.

 

And yet, there's a huge part of me missing that I want back someday, but neither in a 'just facebook friends' nor 'just friends' capacity.

 

Sigh. I feel dumb. I also feel dumb for allowing myself to enable this person to get to know me on a deeper level than anyone I've ever known, only to have it thrown back in my face disrespectfully several times post-break up. I also feel dumb for wanting her when she was seeing someone 9 days after leaving me. Who knows what was being said about me, us, etc behind my back when we were together?

 

God I'm confused and hurt. All these thoughts and feelings are hitting me like a truck since seeing her almost 2 weeks ago. And although I said and did nothing, it was just awkward eye contact, its affected me a lot.

 

Sorry if this is all over the place, I guess I have questions but need to vent my hurt.

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Frostedflake

That wishful thinking is going to hold you back. She left you for someone else because she did the comparison. The person you are (and you seem like a nice guy, at that) she left.

 

I'm not saying flip the script and be a jerk to make her run back.

I'm saying any positive growth you can have during this time is going to be majorly hindered because you're waiting on a day that may never come.

 

It doesn't matter if the breakup was clean or ugly. If someone wants to be with you, they'll make it known. If they're already with you, they'll stay.

She didn't and it's unlikely she will come back to the same thing except to drop breadcrumbs or get an ego boost until she finds another to repeat this same situation. I have to recommend you move on and do more time in reality than these wishful scenarios.

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Throwawayaccount12

How can I move on and kill the hope and wishful thinking?

 

I think about it a lot because its what I really want. And thanks for saying the comparison thing. I told her several times she left me for someone else and all she did was get angry and scream at me that she didnt, when really, she did... She compared me to someone else and thought they're better. She stopped putting effort into me because she was being chased by someone else.

 

Sigh. It hurts and it's been 3 months. I thought I'd get used to it by now.

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Forget the other guy for a moment. Just say she came back to you....why would you expect her to be happy in the relationship this time around?

 

Before this guy came along, what did your relationship look like? Was it meeting her needs? Was it easy or full of ups and downs?

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Throwawayaccount12

We were going through a rough patch because of how stressful my home life is and how stressful university has been for me. I thought I was meeting her emotional needs but I will admit the physical stuff slipped.

 

It was easy but since the rough patch started early this year in January, it hasnt been smooth sailing. Thats why I understood when she said she wanted to break up. Sigh.

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We were going through a rough patch because of how stressful my home life is and how stressful university has been for me. I thought I was meeting her emotional needs but I will admit the physical stuff slipped.

 

It was easy but since the rough patch started early this year in January, it hasnt been smooth sailing. Thats why I understood when she said she wanted to break up. Sigh.

 

And there in lies the problem. As the last six months with her weren't good, she's unlikely to want to try again. It's not like we're talking about a 2 week blip on the radar. She would likely be tired and burned out and not willing to risk things further.

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Throwawayaccount12

Even if those problems resolve themselves later down the track? My university stuff finishes late october this year, and I'm aiming to move out this time next year.

 

She never really told me how she was feeling. I did try my best with the situation I was dealing with. I tried to meet up with her once a week in the back of my car to talk about stuff and have alone time for emotional intimacy. I tried to organise hotel trips for physical stuff. When she left me, I was planning on seeing her very often during the holidays which were 2 weeks away at the time and lasted over 2 months. Sigh. I thought I was doing my best.

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Frostedflake
I thought I was doing my best.

 

And you were.

But you're bargaining with the Reaper of a dead and gone relationship. You can be an amazing, fully changed man, and STILL not revive something from the past.

..There is also the likelihood that she's changing too. Time does that.

 

I know what it's like to want something to work this badly and to think you have all the answers now to old problems. But the thing is, we learn these lessons so that we can carry them forward to something new. We don't learn these things to revisit something irreparably broken and force fix it. Imagine, what a terrible life that would be to always be moving backwards.

 

You asked how to move on and kill wishful thinking..

Honestly? Hit the bottom. Feel that it's over in it's entirety and stop thinking of responses for her in the future and subtract the "if only's". You can only respond to what has already happened and is happening. Right now, you're taking all the blame for this breakup and it's doing you no good. (Besides she had equally as many choices of actions and words as you did.) Her moving on quickly, throwing your feelings back in your face, all the things you opened up to her about, etc. are great fuel for moving on.

But be careful you don't spend too much time in anger or resentment and are actively working towards something better for yourself.

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ExpatInItaly
Even if those problems resolve themselves later down the track? My university stuff finishes late october this year, and I'm aiming to move out this time next year.

 

She never really told me how she was feeling. I did try my best with the situation I was dealing with. I tried to meet up with her once a week in the back of my car to talk about stuff and have alone time for emotional intimacy. I tried to organise hotel trips for physical stuff. When she left me, I was planning on seeing her very often during the holidays which were 2 weeks away at the time and lasted over 2 months. Sigh. I thought I was doing my best.

 

The problem with this line of thinking is that I am sure she already knows when you're finishing school and that you wanted to move out. No? Meaning, she had this information and still chose to end it.

 

A reconciliation isn't very likely in this case. And it's not because of the angry messages after the break-up. It's because she was clearly already losing interest, which is a bad sign when you've only been together 1.5 years. 6 months is a long rough patch for a young relationship.

 

I say, get your schooling finished and your living situation sorted. Then work on dating again. You'll be in a much better position to date then. I understand you have difficult circumstances, but needing to organize dates in the back of a car isn't conducive to a solid relationship and most aren't going to love that idea. Wait until you are more established and have some private space where you can comfortably bring a girl.

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Throwawayaccount12
And you were.

But you're bargaining with the Reaper of a dead and gone relationship. You can be an amazing, fully changed man, and STILL not revive something from the past.

..There is also the likelihood that she's changing too. Time does that.

 

I know what it's like to want something to work this badly and to think you have all the answers now to old problems. But the thing is, we learn these lessons so that we can carry them forward to something new. We don't learn these things to revisit something irreparably broken and force fix it. Imagine, what a terrible life that would be to always be moving backwards.

 

You asked how to move on and kill wishful thinking..

Honestly? Hit the bottom. Feel that it's over in it's entirety and stop thinking of responses for her in the future and subtract the "if only's". You can only respond to what has already happened and is happening. Right now, you're taking all the blame for this breakup and it's doing you no good. (Besides she had equally as many choices of actions and words as you did.) Her moving on quickly, throwing your feelings back in your face, all the things you opened up to her about, etc. are great fuel for moving on.

But be careful you don't spend too much time in anger or resentment and are actively working towards something better for yourself.

 

 

I'm trying to work on myself for my self and I dont necessarily want the revive the exact same relationship because it was broken for a reason and she was quite needy and I was co-dependent, but I do want another shot one day. Not any time soon... but yeah I guess I just need to remind myself I'll never hear from her again. No matter how much I want that to be false.

 

I know they're good reasons to move on, but after her blaming me constantly, I feel like I deserved all of this. She probably is changing since 3 months is a long time, but I still want a shot one day... as stupid as I sound and as stupid as I am.

 

I try not to stay angry and resentful. Some days I'm more angrier than others, but I remind myself its a stage of grief and a wave. It's my first break up too. I wish it wasnt, because then maybe things would have been handled better. But my first relationship for 1.5 years... ouch. :( I'm tempted to break nc because I miss her so much and I havent spoken to her for weeks and I kinda dont want to after the sext texts the rebound shared on the net of her without consent... But I still have the attachment to the old her. I've blocked her off everything. The only way she could ever contact me is via email or showing up at my house, but given its been 3 months and nothing.. especially after my long email saying everything.... sigh.

 

She hasnt realised what she lost. And I dont know if she ever will. It makes it worse that shes with someone else. I tried to fight for her for almost 3 months, but I didnt know she was already with someone else. It was confirmed a few weeks ago when it was supposed to be my 2 year anniversary and I saw the sexts.

 

Im sorry if this is annoying you. Im just inconsolable right now for holding onto a 0.01% chance of reconciliation.

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You can't make a person realize anything, they need to do that for themselves. I understand you're hurt, but you need say your goodbyes and work on yourself. There are better days ahead, trust me.

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I know your hurt. And you want to tell her all these things that your thinking but let me tell you something: the more you beg,ask to talk to her,media stalk her the more you push her away. You being silent will do more for you then begging.

You want to say something for her or you have something on your mind write it down in a notebook but don't send it to her.

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