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Girlfriend has asked for space...


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Just looking for some general advice..

GF of 2 months has asked for space to get her head straight on a couple of issues, mainly her ex husband to be. Divorce is going through and he has been messing with her head trying to win her back etc.

 

He was unfaithful in the marriage and her family generally disliked him but when I asked her last night if she still had feelings for him she said she always would, he was the love of her life and so on.They seperated nearly 12 months ago.

 

She says that she has strong feelings for me and she loves me but is not sure where its all heading.

 

Obviously I am very upset and feel that in all likelihood this relationship is all but over. We get on so well and have a great connection. I've met her kids and get on great with them. I don't feel i've done anything wrong to be treated like this and tbh if we work through this and ultimately she gets divorced will I always be having to watch over my shoulder in case her feelings for him re-ignite?

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If a woman asked me for space, I'd give her space...permanently (not just talk either, I mean it).

 

Taking a break, or having space are all similar code words (cowards) people use to mess around, and test the waters else where. It never means the person just takes time out, meditates alone in a quiet room while they ponder where things are going, it often involves another party. In this case it is very likely her wanting to have the time to try to fix things with her ex husband, but she doesn't want to lose her backup plan. That's how I see it anyway.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

She wasn't ready for a relationship, first lesson.

 

Don't meet the kids after only 2 months of dating, second lesson.

 

You need to move on from this one. I'm sure she's a lovely person. But she is not emotionally ready. Perhaps a year from now you two will run into each other again and she will more ready.

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Caramelpopcorn

Going through a divorce is fine, but having feelings for him still that seem very romantic still isn't. She is still in love with him and after dating you she probably realized it even more. Protect yourself. Two months is still early enough for your heart not to be broken, and why would you risk it? Risk it for someone open to love you instead.

 

What you need to say is "I understand, I try to anyway. I respect your decision and a break may be the right thing to do." You should be nice, but not too emotional, and also not too cold. Just be strong and don't show weakness.

 

Chances are, things won't work out with the ex ANYWAY, but she needs to know this herself, by going after it herself otherwise she won't be convinced.

 

Hope things will turn out fine for you.

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She wasn't ready for a relationship, first lesson.

 

Don't meet the kids after only 2 months of dating, second lesson.

 

You need to move on from this one. I'm sure she's a lovely person. But she is not emotionally ready. Perhaps a year from now you two will run into each other again and she will more ready.

 

 

She is lovely and yes maybe she isn't ready for a relationship but you never know at the time I guess.

 

Her children are of adult age so I was fine with meetng them, they have their own lives so I was ok with that.

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Going through a divorce is fine, but having feelings for him still that seem very romantic still isn't. She is still in love with him and after dating you she probably realized it even more. Protect yourself. Two months is still early enough for your heart not to be broken, and why would you risk it? Risk it for someone open to love you instead.

 

What you need to say is "I understand, I try to anyway. I respect your decision and a break may be the right thing to do." You should be nice, but not too emotional, and also not too cold. Just be strong and don't show weakness.

 

Chances are, things won't work out with the ex ANYWAY, but she needs to know this herself, by going after it herself otherwise she won't be convinced.

 

Hope things will turn out fine for you.

 

 

Thank you for the kind words, I agree with all your points, There were potential red flags with the ex from day one but she was adamant that she was moving on. I guess like you say in time she has realised she can't.

It hurts, we saw each other 3-4 times a week.

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Seriousperson

Breaks are BS, as are the reasons given why a break is needed. Yes people take time to heal from a divorce or break up, but that means you either don't date or you tell someone up front that you do want a serious relationship. When I broke up w/my 1st ex, I was very broken, I didn't date anyone or go on dates because I wasn't ready.

 

She lost interest. How do I know? I have been there, not once, but a couple times. Several guys have told me that and they were the ones who came up w/being in a relationship (2 said they were willing to work out a LDR). I wasn't even one to bring this up.

 

She does not want to be w/you, if she did, she would do everything to be w/you.

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This marriage isn't over yet, she's able to date and still be going through a long divorce. Your caught-up in the middle

 

Him

 

You

 

Her

 

Kids

 

 

She told you she still has feelings for husband, she has her fling with you, you met the kids they like you still she misses her husband. Space means to push away from your contact, so she can still have husband around while your not in the picture. Divorce isn't completed yet anything can happen. She loves the him, you likes you but nothing enough. Then there is the kids are you ready to take care of them as well as her. Lot with more when they have kids husband doesn't want to let go she's still love him and your on the side lines. Always listen to what she told you, because that's what the final out come will be. I was in something like this too. Met the kids the husband came around she was going through a divorce able to see other men as well as me. She like me because I gave her freedom. I missed that but the kids her, dogs and the birds she had was too much in the end. Husband didn't like that fact I was in his house with her. Always..Husband shouldn't be able to gain access to the house. You never said if the husband is allowed over the house.

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It doesn't mean she's going back to him. But the request for space here means that she is not ready to date you or anybody else just yet.

 

Leave her be.

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Divorce is going through. They seperated nearly 12 months ago.

 

You are her rebound, "I don't want to be by myself", "I'm trying to make him jealous (read: manipulate him)" relationship.

 

She's married until he dies or the divorce decree is executed by the court. None of those things have happened with her and she has not nailed and barred the door her husband uses to get into her head; therefore, she is willingly making space for him.

 

If she was truly over her husband, she wouldn't be confused.

 

Whenever someone says "I'm confused", it means someone else that they'd rather be with is in the picture, but they don't know if that person wants to make a go of things, so they will hold onto you as a means to mark time and not be alone until their #1 choice comes through.

 

You are the consolation prize--you're not who she really wants to be with. If she really wanted to be with you, the ink on that divorce couldn't dry fast enough for her and that door I mentioned above would be cased in 10 foot thick cement.

 

In the future, don't get involved with anyone who isn't single, widowed or divorced and resolved for at least 2 years.

Edited by kendahke
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CautiouslyOptimistic

 

In the future, don't get involved with anyone who isn't single, widowed or divorced and resolved for at least 2 years.

 

Yes. Yes. Yes.

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You are her rebound, "I don't want to be by myself", "I'm trying to make him jealous (read: manipulate him)" relationship.

 

She's married until he dies or the divorce decree is executed by the court. None of those things have happened with her and she has not nailed and barred the door her husband uses to get into her head; therefore, she is willingly making space for him.

 

If she was truly over her husband, she wouldn't be confused.

 

Whenever someone says "I'm confused", it means someone else that they'd rather be with is in the picture, but they don't know if that person wants to make a go of things, so they will hold onto you as a means to mark time and not be alone until their #1 choice comes through.

 

You are the consolation prize--you're not who she really wants to be with. If she really wanted to be with you, the ink on that divorce couldn't dry fast enough for her and that door I mentioned above would be cased in 10 foot thick cement.

 

In the future, don't get involved with anyone who isn't single, widowed or divorced and resolved for at least 2 years.

 

Absolutely...

 

I will take it a step further. There are no breaks IRL. Any woman that is with me, is with me. If she is not, she is not.

 

If she wants a break, sure, take care, but don't call me back. I don't have time for that crap and it is weak anyway.

 

I just got through dumping a woman that I loved when she pulled back from me. We said we were all in and then she started to pull back, she was history. I had dumped several woman for her and she wants to pull back from me????

 

No way sugar. At my age, women get one chance with me, blow that and you are toast...

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Thank you for the kind words, I agree with all your points, There were potential red flags with the ex from day one but she was adamant that she was moving on. I guess like you say in time she has realised she can't.

It hurts, we saw each other 3-4 times a week.

 

I am sorry for your disappointment.

 

There are 2 types of lies. The lies we tell others and the lies we tell ourselves.

 

When you meet someone and they swear they're ready to move on you have to be cautious for a few months and let them prove to you they're not lying to themselves.

 

One other clue was the amount of time you spend with each other with only 2 months dating. When someone wants to see you all-the-time right from the start it's because they're looking for a band-aid on their wound.

 

There is nothing for you to do, she broke up with you the coward way.

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Hi,

 

Back story...

Met a girl online been going out 2 months, granted not a huge amount of time but a very intense and loving relationship none the less.

Issue being - the estranged husband, is worming his way back into the forefront just before the end of the divorce.

She always claimed that there were no issues and she was over him, this now appears not to be the case.

She has asked for space but its horrendous to be kept in limbo waiting to see what transpires.

 

Also even if we patch things up its going to make me feel nervous for future issues if she does have feelings for him deep down.

 

Friends say its no way to treat anyone and to simply walk away. Advice please.. go easy im not in a good place at all at the moment...

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It's only been 2 months -- it would be best for you to walk away. She's keeping you as a fallback while she determines what she wants to do with the ex. That in itself is indicative of her emotional investment in you.

 

Your friends are right. Stop playing second choice. Invest in someone that prioritizes you, not someone that treats you like an option.

 

Don't date people who are still separated or those that are fresh out of an ending. Most times you end up being a rebound.

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Absolutely...

 

I will take it a step further. There are no breaks IRL. Any woman that is with me, is with me. If she is not, she is not.

 

If she wants a break, sure, take care, but don't call me back. I don't have time for that crap and it is weak anyway.

 

I just got through dumping a woman that I loved when she pulled back from me. We said we were all in and then she started to pull back, she was history. I had dumped several woman for her and she wants to pull back from me????

 

No way sugar. At my age, women get one chance with me, blow that and you are toast...

 

^^^cosign^^^

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She's been dating you for 8 weeks. She was MARRIED to him. On balance he wins.

 

You end it & them move on to somebody who is genuinely free & available to date you.

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Another vote for moving on. She obviously still has feelings for him, which isn't uncommon. Plus, you already know you'll deal with inner turmoil moving forward. With the projected speculation and uncertainty you speak of, moving on before getting more invested is probably your best bet. Best of luck.

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Seriousperson
Absolutely...

 

I will take it a step further. There are no breaks IRL. Any woman that is with me, is with me. If she is not, she is not.

 

If she wants a break, sure, take care, but don't call me back. I don't have time for that crap and it is weak anyway.

 

I just got through dumping a woman that I loved when she pulled back from me. We said we were all in and then she started to pull back, she was history. I had dumped several woman for her and she wants to pull back from me????

 

No way sugar. At my age, women get one chance with me, blow that and you are toast...

 

Very true.

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This marriage isn't over yet, she's able to date and still be going through a long divorce. Your caught-up in the middle

 

Him

 

You

 

Her

 

Kids

 

 

She told you she still has feelings for husband, she has her fling with you, you met the kids they like you still she misses her husband. Space means to push away from your contact, so she can still have husband around while your not in the picture. Divorce isn't completed yet anything can happen. She loves the him, you likes you but nothing enough. Then there is the kids are you ready to take care of them as well as her. Lot with more when they have kids husband doesn't want to let go she's still love him and your on the side lines. Always listen to what she told you, because that's what the final out come will be. I was in something like this too. Met the kids the husband came around she was going through a divorce able to see other men as well as me. She like me because I gave her freedom. I missed that but the kids her, dogs and the birds she had was too much in the end. Husband didn't like that fact I was in his house with her. Always..Husband shouldn't be able to gain access to the house. You never said if the husband is allowed over the house.

 

 

Yes he has contact with her on a regular basis, he texts all the time, goes round for cups of tea and she looks after his dog when he goes away.

Reading that back only confirms how foolish i've been. They are still emotionally connected and I was just not seeing it cleatly enough as most of the time she would repeat time and again that it was just amicable. Maybe she was trying to convince herself?

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I badly need some help and advice:

 

Bit of a strange one - I have recently split with my girlfriend as she no longer has the same feelings for me. This is due to a combination of an unfinished divorce with the estranged husband back in her thoughts and a possible desire just be on her own and have fun with friends on nights out etc.

 

In a nutshell we have established that she isn't ready for a relationship more so with an unfinished divorce that had culminated from their seperation 12 months ago to sort out although when I met her she assured this wasn't an issue.

 

We were together for a relatively short period - 2 months. By anyone's standards its a short relationship / barely a relationship. This week she was still saying she loved me but I know that sometimes isn't enough.

 

I live in a City with limited friends and enjoyed her company hugely. Am I simply feeling pain for the lost companionship?

 

Over the last day and a bit I have felt broken to the point where I have had pain on a level I have never experienced, almost to the point of feeling suicidal. I can only assume my feelings were very deep for this woman.

 

For a 2 month relationship breaking down to leave me with this pain - Is this normal? I honestly feel so bad and there is nothing I can do.

 

Help.....

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I am sorry for your pain, OP.

 

If you're nearly to the point of feeling suicidal, then yes, something more is going on than just being disappointed it didn't work out and losing a companion. Are there perhaps some deeper issues related to abandonment or rejection?

 

Maybe you are telling yourself the reason she is leaving is because something is fundamentally wrong with you? It would be worth reflecting on the self-talk you're doing these days, and see if you can identify where your despair is really coming from and why you're feeling this level of pain.

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I am sorry for your pain, OP.

 

If you're nearly to the point of feeling suicidal, then yes, something more is going on than just being disappointed it didn't work out and losing a companion. Are there perhaps some deeper issues related to abandonment or rejection?

 

Maybe you are telling yourself the reason she is leaving is because something is fundamentally wrong with you? It would be worth reflecting on the self-talk you're doing these days, and see if you can identify where your despair is really coming from and why you're feeling this level of pain.

 

 

I think there is some abandonment issues to an extent / grief for the loss - I lost my Mother 14 years ago and have struggled to cope when somebody leaves my life personally or professionally.

My last relationship lasted a year and that was a very painful break up so there is some correlation there as well. I think the pain here is reflective of the fact that it was a short term/intense relationship.

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Hi,

 

Bit of advice needed. I reached out to my ex and asked how she was. She mentioned (upon me asking) that her weekend was going to be quiet.

I asked her if she wanted to go out, just for a chilled meal etc

She agreed but said it was as friends as she didnt want to give me false hope.

The fact that she has agreed to go is nice, I do have feelings still but trying to manage them. Any advice on how I would go about this?

Positive advice would be nice please...

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