The lingering pain of rejection...

[Rgr1012]

Let's call her M. I met her online. We chatted online and via the phone for about a week, and then agreed to meet. She was fabulous. When people talk about having a great physical connection, it goes beyond just being attracted to each other. When it came to M, it was everything...it was her looks, her scent, her voice, her laugh, the way she moved....I loved all of it. Within a week, we were sleeping together. It was a long-distance relationship, which naturally complicated things. But the weekends we spent together were bliss. We went for dinners, we traveled, we went to see live music, we made love...it was wonderful. After three or four months, we were in love. We talked about the future, our future. We made plans to travel, to live together. About a year into our relationship, she bought a new house. When she went shopping for tile and flooring, I was consulted. It was her house, but the idea was that eventually it would be our house. Everything seemed wonderful.

 

But, as time went by, I began notice some things. I noticed that during the week, when we weren't together, she was very detached from me. I rarely heard from her more than once or twice a day during the week...a simple text in the morning ('Good morning, hope you have a great day!') and then the opposite text at night, as she was heading for bed ('Hope you had a great day...sleep well'). It was odd, and unsettling. She was a teacher, so she was usually home by 4. But I wouldn't hear from her. It was out of sight, out of mind. When I wasn't around, I wasn't really on her mind.

 

Gradually, over the ensuing months, this detachment became more apparent. During our second summer together, she blew me off a few weekends. It was the same pattern those weekends we weren't together...I would barely hear from her. One night when we were together, I dared to complain about it. When I did, she got defensive, talked about how I knew she was an independent woman, that she wanted to be able to do her own thing. Years before, she had spent a year living in Australia. That night we talked, she mentioned the idea of doing that again, going back to Australia for a year. I was dumbfounded. I just threw my hands up in the air, asking her 'And what about us?' She didn't seem to even comprehend the idea of how going to Australia for a year would affect our relationship. Didn't even cross her mind. What I didn't realize then was that she was already having doubts.

 

This past Christmas, we spent Christmas day together, but then the following week, she headed to her mom's place for a family get together. I couldn't go, had to work. And again, the whole time she's at mom's, I barely heard from her. Id get one text at the end of the night, telling me what a great day she had. And the pattern continued.

 

A few weeks later, her brother wound up in the hospital, courtesy of an overdose. She took off the week of work to be with him. Mid way through the week, I texted her, offering to drive out there the next morning to be by her side. She didn't even respond. A couple of days later, on the Friday, I offered again to drive out there and be with her. Again, she didn't even reply. On the Sunday, she texted me around noonish to say she was on her way home. I told her to drive safe, and call me when she got home. And then I waited, and waited, and waited. When I hadn't heard from her by 6:30, I texted. She finally got back to me an hour later, saying she had gone to her neighbour's place for dinner. Hadn't even considered texting me to let me know she was home. And the pattern continued.

 

March break was coming up. As a teacher who hates her job, and hates the winter, she was desperate to go away for the week. I went to my boss and asked for the time off, but he couldn't swing it. Her and I talked, and she suggested that maybe she could spend a few days at the spa, and then her and I could go away for the weekend. Instead, two days later, she messaged me to tell me that she'd booked a trip to Costa Rica for herself for the week. I was upset, but not surprised. I tried to be encouraging, telling her to have a great time. Of course, throughout the week, I barely heard from her. She would message me each night, telling me of the amazing time she was having there, best week of her life, etc. But never was there a message saying 'I miss you', or 'I wish you were here'. It was about her.

 

I tried to put it out of my mind. When she got back, things returned to normal, sort of. We continued to spend weekends together. We made plans for the summer. We made plans to go to festivals, to travel, to go camping, to visit her father, who lived out of province and whom she never saw. And we talked, albeit casually, about moving in together.

 

The final weekend we were together, ironically, everything seemed lovely. We were supposed to go camping, but the weather didn't cooperate. Instead we spent the weekend at her place, visiting friends, going for dinner, etc. On the Sunday, which proved to be our last day together, we sat on the patio of a lovely cafe, eating oysters and drinking beer, telling each other that we loved each other. Everything seemed fine.

 

Four days later, I was out for a beer with a friend, when she texted me. Asked me if I was home, told me to check my email. And sure enough, there it was. A simple, one-paragraph email, saying it was over. Done. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

 

I was stunned, shaken, dumbfounded. I tried calling, but she wouldn't answer. I asked her to see me, but she said she was going away for the weekend.

 

I spent the weekend essentially huddled in my apartment, trying to come to terms with it. Of course, that was impossible. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I paced around my apartment, wanting to be somewhere, but not wanting to be anywhere. I wrote emails to her, telling her how much I loved her, telling her that this was a mistake, and that days or weeks from now, she'd realize it was a mistake. I got no response.

 

On the following Monday, she agreed to come see me and talk. We had pleasant conversation. She told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. Told me that she'd been contemplating it for months, nearly a year. I was stunned. I didn't try to talk her out of it...there was no point. Her mind was made up. That's one thing about M...when her mind is set on something, it's a done deal. After talking for an hour, she drove away.

 

Of course, she wanted to remain friends. She talked about getting together for dinner in a week or two, maybe going golfing, which we used to do on a regular basis. It spoke volumes of her personality...wanting to remain friends, to hang out, oblivious to how that would make me feel.

 

A couple of weeks later, she texted me on a Saturday evening. She told me about her day (again, it's about her), and then quickly asked how I was. I told her I was torn. While I loved seeing her texts, because I missed her, I also felt great pain seeing her texts, because I missed her. She asked me if I wanted to come visit her the next day. Of course, like the idiot I am, I said yes.

 

We spent the following day together, sitting in a pub drinking beers, idly chatting about friends and family. After a couple of hours, we headed to her house. We watched a movie, drank, chatted. We eventually talked more seriously about us. It was a good talk, but again, her mind was made up. And then, despite all my better instincts, we went to bed together. The next day, I went home. We talked about trying to remain friends, of still 'hanging out' together. Somehow, things seemed pleasant.

 

A few days later, we exchanged texts. I could tell that things had changed. She seemed cold, distant. She clearly had had time to think about what had happened, and she obviously regretted that we'd slept together a few days earlier. She said she was 'good with her decision' to dump me. I felt the chill across the phone line.

 

A couple of weeks later, I was online, on a dating site. From out of nowhere, I get a message...and it's M. I'm dumbfounded. She messages the guy she just dumped on a dating site! I quickly texted her, telling her that I'm amazed that she would do that, that I'm stunned that a woman who said she wanted to be on her own was so quickly on a dating site.

 

She still had a bunch of my stuff...clothes, books, shoes, etc. I asked her if she could drop it off. She came by the next day. All of my stuff was jammed into a green garbage bag. Clearly it had been jammed into a corner of her basement for a few weeks, because it reeked of basement mold and kitty litter. She asked me if I wanted to go have a beer....stupidly, I said yes.

 

We went for a beer. We chatted about nothing in particular. At some point, the talk turned to music. I mentioned that one of her favourite bands was playing in town the following week. She was excited, and then suggested we go. We, together. I was a little taken aback. At which point I said 'So how does this work?' I could see her getting upset. She said 'Just leave it.' I asked again, 'So how does this work? What do we do now?' Now she was definitely upset. She told me stop asking. Told me that it was over. Period. I persisted. 'So what do we do now?' She got pissed, got up from the table, and left.

 

I felt bad, so I texted her later that night to apologize, not for my behaviour, but just for the way things ended. She agreed, was also sad the way things ended. We said our farewells, and that was it.

 

Since that last farewell, I have gone NC. It is so painful. I try to take it an hour at a time. Tell myself 'Don't think of texting her' for at least another hour. But with every hour, there are thoughts of her. I think I'm okay, but then something will trigger a memory, and the pain will come rushing back. That dull, enduring ache of rejection. I know that, eventually, it'll go away...I just don't know when.

 

Help...please.

[kortz]

Sorry to say but it sounds like she was never really as into you as you were into her, and that she always maintained some form of detachment from you by how distant she would act.

 

I've also dealt with a very headstrong woman who once her mind is made up on something, that is final and as much as you would like them to change their mind you need to realize that there is no hope.

 

You have done the right thing going NC and you need to continue with that for however long it takes. Eventually you will reach a place where you accept the situation and what has happened and start to move on but until then you're going to go through all the motions and grievances of a loss. It sucks and it will suck for a while but you need to power through and stay strong and stay NC no matter what. It will get easier eventually but it takes time. Focus on yourself and what is good for you, understand what you're feeling is normal and allow it to come and go. When you feel up to it, start to do some of the things you enjoy or things you couldn't do when you were in a relationship and start to distract yourself.

[Captivating]

Hi Rgr,

I am sorry for what you are going through.

The unrequited love ... that is so hard to bare.

She should not have strung you around if she clearly did not have love for you.

This is very wrong....using someone's feelings.

 

I think your attitude towards a love relationship is normal; however,

in some instances you seemed desperate.

When she gave you any green light or pulled away you ran after her.

Desperate people seem lacking self-respect and how can a woman respect a guy who does not respect himself. It is great that you questioned her motives in the bar !!!

You seem to be a very nice guy, please work on this.

 

Her:

She might have a personality disorder, narcissism. (I just wrote another post on this)

Narcissists are unable to love someone, they consider the other person as the extension of themselves. They are master manipulators and users.

They feed off others' emotions towards them both the highs and the lows.

There is a deep rooted insecurity/emptiness within their soul, they use people so that they get a glimpse of that they do matter for someone, they are "enough".

There are stages of a narcissistic relationship ... "love bombing" is the first, after others the last stage is the "discard" stage.

A breakup with them seem even more devastating because of these highly fueled two stages.

 

Please look up narcissism on youtube....if she fits this pattern, read below.

 

SO, NO CONTACT ! Don't even let her contact you in any way......all she wants is an ego boost, nothing else.

It might take a lot of months maybe a year to let this go, but it is OK.

Be kind to yourself, eat well, sleep a lot

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry, OP. I know you were really into her.

 

The problem here is that you hung on despite the obvious signs that she had lost interest. Her ignoring your messages, going away by herself without considering spending any holiday time with you, being distant for months, talking about living abroad again - this was a woman who just didn't feel the way you did anymore.

 

That's not to say this is all your fault; not at all. She should have been brave enough to tell you that it was over long before she did. But your mistake was to go running back and still being Mr. Nice Guy every time she neglected you or ignored you. Your needs were very clearly not being met (or even considered) and that is when you should have put the breaks on it.

 

You say you were stunned when she sent you the break-up email, but were you really? Things had been going south for quite a while. One good day just beforehand cannot make up for months of distancing and avoidant behaviour.

 

Her attempt at being friends with you now is ludicrous. You can't be friends with her. It's easy for her because she's not in love with you, but it hurts you like hell. Time to stop hanging out or communicating her for any reason. Her messaging you on a bloody dating site demonstrates her lack of empathy and understanding; this is not someone who treats you the way a friend should.

 

Lesson to be learned here is that when your gut is telling you someone is slipping away, you should listen and respond with firmer boundaries for yourself. Don't excuse or try to out-nice that type of behaviour. It will only hurt you in the long run.

[Been]

She's selfish and only concerned about herself.

Don't ever put that much work into someone who isn't showing you anything.

To be honest everything out of her mouth is to be considered a lie-tells you she wants to be alone and then is seen on a dating site.

And her pathetic attempt to want to be friends is for also so she can keep the door open with you for attention-she doesn't truly want to be your friend.

I know your not done with her and that's ok- sometimes it takes a little time to get somebody out of your system. Just keep in mind that she will always be up and down and when she does contact you its because she has nothing better to do. You'll get tired of the bs and then realize you deserve someone much better then her.Don't beat yourself up over someone who is a jerk.

[daylightsa]

My relationship was not nearly as long or serious, but I know the pain of having your SO talk about going away without you. My recent ex did that all the time... I always pretended like it didn't bother me, but it did. I realize now his feelings for me were never as strong as mine were... and it hurts so much. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Rgr1012]

Thank you all for your comments...they are most appreciated.

 

I neglected to mention that prior to me, she had a succession of failed relationships...at least 4-5 (that I know of) in about a ten year period. Each one followed the same pattern: they'd meet, date, immerse themselves in each other's lives (meeting friends and family, spending holidays together), and then, after a year or so, she'd find a reason to dump them. I guess I was just the next in line.

Her daughter (who's 19) texted me the other day, just to say hi. We just chatted about her plans, told me how she bought a new car, etc. We had always got along really well. I told her I was sorry that it didn't work out with her mom. She said she was surprised it happened. Then she said 'Mom has relationship problems'. That kind of said it all.

 

I agree Captivating...she does seem to have narcissistic qualities. It's become more and more clear to me as I have more time to reflect. I will definitely read up on that topic some more.

 

I suspect that there are deep emotional wounds from her childhood that have created these selfish, narcissistic tendencies. She had a quite dysfunctional childhood, alcoholic father, lots of fighting, etc. I suggested to her a few times that she should seek help, talk to someone, but of course she didn't want to recognize that she had a problem. Pretty sure I recognize it now.

[Stephen44]

The push-pull dynamic in the relationship, her distancing behavior, her relationship history, and her daughter's comment all add up to fearful-avoidant attachment disorder. Any time you get close or seek to have your needs met, she will push you away and assert her independence.

 

I went through a similar relationship. Ultimately there's nothing you can do. If you want to stick around as FWB and can handle that she might be game, or you could spend time finding someone who might be a better match. If you met her online chances are you can meet another that isn't so messed up.

 

Question is why we stuck around for it. See codependent-narcissist dance.Herold luck,

[Rgr1012]

Hi Stephen44...and thanks for your thoughts. I'd never heard of fearful-avoidant attachment disorder...but I looked it up online, and it very much describes her.

The fact that she would always be hesitant in expressing her emotions, that she always sought distance in our relationship, always wanting to spend time on her own...whenever I pressed for more, for more from her emotionally, she would hesitate, pull back. I know now that, when I began to press about moving in together, that was likely the final straw that led her to pull the trigger.

As it is, and given what I read online, my guess is that she's already moved on to someone else. Sadly, if she does suffer from this disorder, this next relationship will probably be the same...but I guess that's not my problem anymore.