Why is she so mean?

[VC1207]

Hi all,

 

I am struggling after being dumped. Please give me some advice.

 

A bit of backstory. Im 28 and my ex-gf is 25 will be 26 in October. We have been dating for a total time period of 9 months. The last three months we were in an official relationship (SMH). There was a bit of distance as she lived an hour and a half away in NJ and im in NY. In the beginning we would see each other about 1 or 2 days a week. Thats not alot of time but I was understanding as thats a significant travel time when you put in work/family/personal time.

 

In the beginning everything was amazing, the chemistry, conversations ect. We both thought this. About half-way through it she was even calling me the love of her life.

 

 

Red Flag 1: I was never allowed to come to her place. She had recently moved in with her sister and she said it gave her anxiety, she wasn't comfy in her own house - it didn't feel like her space so she didn't want me there. This was a big red flag to me and I initially thought something else was going on. I actually stopped talking to her for a week or so because she would not bend on it. (Yes I have been by the place and I have seen the sister come out of the house lol)

 

Red Flag 2: In the beginning before we were ever official we had a conversation and we both agreed to be sexually exclusive to one another.. I thought I may have been asking for too much so early but she agreed. Three days later she goes on a trip to visit her best friends and I find out that she was physical with an old flame. She came clean about it and apologized. She tried to say that it wasn't really sex but penetration happened so I wasn't buying it.

 

Those two things made me extremely cautious - but who is perfect?

 

We both made alot of mistakes - me with my quick temper - her with her being bratty/selfish ect and ect and ect.

 

Things started going downhill after we made it official. My schedule changed and we were working opposite hours. Communication got harder but I was still trying. She was having problems at home with her sister... she became distant, rarely calling, texting.. checking in. I would call and she would have to go - would say she would call me back but didnt ect.

 

(There was also maybe two weeks where she was responsive - she also needed money to move - which I loaned her - because in my mind this is still my gf and she needs help moving out of a dangerous situation. I loaned her the money, we were ok for a small window and then she went back to being distant. IM SO DUMB FOR THIS. She did pay me back.)

 

At this point I knew we are in trouble but I was still hanging on - trying to get her to communicate with me. I even asked her if there was someone else in the picture and she would say no. The more I tried to get my gf to communicate the more she distanced herself. I know I prob should have ended it at this point but I held on.

 

Its been about a month and some change at this point. Finally she came around and said how she missed me, loved me, wanted to make it work. Im like ok great - She blew my phone up at work and I finally called once I got off. Im walking down the street on the phone with her and shes like wyd.. what is all that noise in the background? Im like im just walking down the street.. there are cars ect.. shes like ok I don't have your full attentions so call me when you get home.

 

This made me side-eye her because I have called her/facetimed her so manyyyyy times when there was so much going on in the background - she would even have full-on side conversations with her friends while im on the phone. So it pissed me off that she didn't want to talk just because I was walking down the street.

 

Anyway I get home I call her about an hour and a half later - I shower, eat, feed my cat ect ect. Its about 10pm. Shes like oh im tired, Im on my way to sleep now. This made me upset because we could have talked earlier. This made her upset because I didn't call her right away. (Rem this is someone who would rarely call me back when she said she would). We get into a small arguement about it - it was so stupid, I wasn't even mad really, just trying to voice my concerns. She hangs up on me while im speaking and sends me a text saying to forget it. She's over it.

 

Now I know the above things sound pretty bad but I loved this girl through all of her bs and through all of mine. Even when she went missing I wanted to work it out. Our chemistry was amazing and I kept thinking about all the good times.

 

That night I tried to call her text her - everything and she just turned cold. INSTANTLY. She went from saying she loved me and missed me to being over me within hours.

 

Its been a month. I have tried calling, texting, emailing. She responds to nothing. Begging, pleading ect. I know its shameful.. but I really loved her I don't understand how you can just turn cold on someone you say you love. Through the bits and pieces of convo I can get out of her she has told me that: she wasn't happy, she never loved me, she hates me.. she also told me she met someone while she was distant and they have been dating 1-3 weeks. The timeframe changes according to her. She told me she would rather start over with someone new vs fixing our relationship.

 

She has been so cold, like our 9 months didn't mean anything. Like im nothing. I feel like trash. How do you move on that quickly?

 

Maybe I have tried reaching out too much but I want her to feel bad about how she's treated me. I want her to care that Im not ok. I called her two weeks ago crying (shameful I know) and she laughed and hung up in my face.

 

Its so painful, Im devastated. As of two days ago I understand that I don't need her and she is NOT a prize, but at the same time its hard. I really loved this girl with everything and she cut me very deeply.

 

She acts like she has done nothing wrong.

 

For those of you who read that long ass post - THANK YOU - Hopefully you all don't think I am an idiot. lol

[Nilfiry]

You know, advices cannot heal a broken heart. If it could, things would be so much easier, eh? In your case only time will help.

 

Sad to say, though, it sounds like she was never really that into you. Maybe there was a bit of excitement in the beginning from meeting a new person, but it wears off. It seems like you were more dedicated than she was. It may help if you wrapped your thoughts around that fact, and then throw it out of the window.

[Goodguy05]

I know you've probably heard it a million times but dude definitely do not contact her from here on in. Salvage any dignity you have left dude. I always regretted the effort I put into chasing my ex wife on the end she was cruel and cold. Her laughing while your crying on the phone speaks volumes about your breakup. As hard as it is you contacting her begging will do nothing but show how easy you are for her to have you wrapped around her little finger. Don't be surprised she comes back once she hasn't heard from you for a while.

 

You gotta ask yourself why you want someone that treats you so cruelly and don't say because of love yes love will do it but you can make that conscious choice to show you won't stand for that treatment because you begging shows her she can step all over you whenever she likes.

[trustyourself]

 

That night I tried to call her text her - everything and she just turned cold. INSTANTLY. She went from saying she loved me and missed me to being over me within hours.

 

 

Sounds like my 25 year old ex girlfriend:(

 

I dealt with 3 breakups. the most recent she did the same thing. Perfectly fine, and then cold. It sucks man.

 

It aint worth it man. I know you love her, but it is not worth the pain you are going to go through, and it gets worse every time. Trust me.

 

I know it hurts, but cut her off. If she contacts you, dont respond. Be strong.

[amaysngrace]

What a waste of a perfectly great summer. It sounds like you were the rebound and now that she's over him she's moved on from you both.

 

Block her from everything so you aren't able to boost her ego when it takes a hit again. You're too weak to her to let her in your life in any capacity.

 

You know what that chemistry was? It was you pouring it into her and her reflecting it back to you. It was your energy all along. You'll have it with someone else. Trust me on that.

 

Leave her be.

[VC1207]

Thanks guys, Im a female by the way. Also @ Amaysngrace its more than the summer. We had been together since November.

 

I wanted to know if she felt guilty about kicking me to the curb and before she could tell me no.. she asked if I could buy her food because she was hungry/no money. I was amazed. She said since I loved her so much I should buy her food. Its incredible.. shes a bad person and ever since she said that to me I miss her less. How did I miss the red flags?

[Goodguy05]

How did u miss the red flags? Easy, u loved her....

..

[amaysngrace]

its more than the summer. We had been together since November.

 

Yea but you should've dumped her back in May

[Been]

You ignored the red flags and paid for it. It happens.

Sometimes we want something to work out even if all the signs are pointing towards the opposite. Everyone has done that.

Take this as a learning experience. Red flags come up its usually not good and shouldn't be overlooked.

She sounds like a manipulator who you don't need in your life. A little bit of advice for you- don't ever beg someone because the more you beg the further you push them away. And honestly you shouldn't have to beg someone to be in your life. Her loss not yours.

[VC1207]

Yea but you should've dumped her back in May

 

Yes I should have

[VC1207]

You guys have been so helpful - I feel stupid lol.

 

Im just appalled that she doesn't care how much pain I'm in. She thinks that her actions/attitudes are justified. She has pretty much shrugged me off.

 

How am I supposed to love someone else after this?

[VC1207]

Hi guys,

 

I posted another thread about my ex me -28/f her- 25/f- but I just wanted to know why she is being so mean.

 

Basically I got dumped a month ago. We were having problems.. she grew distant.for a month..she finally came back around- the same day she wanted to work it out - she got annoyed with me.. hung up in my face and then sent me a breakup text.

 

Oh and eventually she told me she met someone else while we were together and they started dating right away (who knows the real timeline.. smh) after we were broken up.

 

I have tried, calling, emailing, begging pleading. She has told me she hates me, never loved me ect.

 

I just tried to call her today - to get answers. (bad I know) and I got her new partner on the phone..

 

Telling me about how she is better and im just crazy. My ex did me so wrong how am I the crazy one??

 

Anyway eventually I get my ex on the phone and I remind her of exactly how she broke up with me.. asking her if she felt guilty or knows it was wrong? She says she knows it was wrong to end it like that but she is not sorry.

 

She says she lied about wanting to work it out.

 

She also said she doesn't give a **** that im hurting - could care less. That she is a ****ed up person - probably because of her mommy issues.

 

I couldn't take anymore and hung up the phone.

 

Im devastated - I feel betrayed. I loved her and wanted to work our problems out.

 

Im a wreck.

 

I can't stop crying.

 

How can she be so cold and calloused?

 

She told me that her new partner was laying beside her.. ect

 

I don't understand.. who is this person?

 

Im having a hard time with this.

 

Thanks

[anika99]

She is obviously quite cruel and heartless, however you are kind of asking for it by not leaving her alone. When someone breaks up with you, you don't respond by incessantly calling, emailing, begging and pleading. You respect the other person's decision and move on. Sure it's kind of normal to want to talk and get reasons for the breakup initially but if the dumper has indicated that they want you to go away then that is what you do no matter how much it hurts. Continuing to contact them only causes more pain and it's also bordering on harassment which could get you into trouble.

[VC1207]

@Anika99 Im wrong for wanting answers? Im wrong for being upset? She hurt me deeply and its bs how she dumped me. Im here hurting and she dumped me for someone else... she gets to act innocent?

Edited August 26, 2017 by VC1207

[Blanco]

@Anika99 Im wrong for wanting answers? Im wrong for being upset? She hurt me deeply and its bs how she dumped me. Im here hurting and she dumped me for someone else... she gets to act innocent?

 

She doesn't get to act innocent, but she also doesn't owe you any answers. It's kind of a heartless move, but she's not obligated to give you answers.

 

Knowing she is now with someone else; yes, you were asking for trouble by contacting her. Leave her alone and understand that closure will not come from anyone but yourself.

[spiderowl]

You're not wrong for wanting answers but one of those things we learn eventually is that when someone says they are breaking up, we take them at their word and leave it like that. There are no answers that would satisfy you really. You don't really want a list of her reasons. Her feelings changed and so she would not see the positive things any more. Unfortunately that is what happens.

 

There are often no answers other than that other person's feelings have changed or that they never got as attached as you did in the first place. Best leave her alone now and turn to others for support. You are going through a very painful experience. There is nothing wrong in needing support. Please carry on posting here. Lots of us have been through it too.

[ExpatInItaly]

@Anika99 Im wrong for wanting answers? Im wrong for being upset? She hurt me deeply and its bs how she dumped me. Im here hurting and she dumped me for someone else... she gets to act innocent?

 

You're not wrong for wanting answers. Sadly, this does not mean you will get any.

 

Yes, it's BS how she dumped you. I understand why you're so hurt. But what do you really want her to do now? She's been clear that she is with someone else and does not want to talk to you - she cannot heal your pain or undo what she did.

 

It's hard when life is so unfair like this. It's happened to many of us here, at some point. But the important thing now is not to do anything to intensify the pain, including calling her and insisting she give you answers. That was never going to yield the results you want. You have to start your self-preservation now, and accept that neither you nor she can change what's been done. What you have to do next is to begin taking steps to heal. This will mean not being in contact with her anymore.

[carhill]

Relationships are transitory and humans have free will. Enjoy them while they last. They always end, one way or another. 28 is a wonderful age. You'll have many more relationships end, hopefully, before you depart this mortal coil. Make the most of them.

[Been]

You will never get any answers that are the total truth. Remember that.

It will be what she wants you to hear and only that.

[Bastile]

Hi guys,

 

I posted another thread about my ex me -28/f her- 25/f- but I just wanted to know why she is being so mean.

 

The answer to your question is who cares? Next.

[preraph]

So after you loaned her money to move, did you finally get to go to her place or not? Because if not, I'm saying she could be a druggie or just someone who likes to milk men for money. Also, most women would ask their man to help them physically move.

[VC1207]

@ Preraph - both things were talked about. She ended up doing a quick move because the situation with her sister had turned violent. I was supposed to come over but it didn't happen. She did give the money back. At this point I don't trust any of that - who knows what really is true and what really isn't.

 

But you know what guys - even though she has been very mean/cold - even the day she broke up she was ice cold. Its wrong - she knows it and I know it. She even said it the other day. I decided to forgive her anyway and hope she finds peace. Just doing that has made me feel so much lighter.

 

Also I went out and I met someone else last night (no rushing lol) but it was nice - I figure its been two months and I deserve someone who will treat me right (hopefully lol) - this time I will listen to my gut and pay attention.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone.

[VC1207]

Update: Maybe three weeks ago or so she called me.. saying she felt bad about everything, basically called me because she thought our conversation would make her feel better. In the middle of the conversation we told each other we still loved each other. She also asked me if I was dating anyone and told me that her situation with her new girl was complicated.

 

--she called me when it was complicated with the new girl. wtf-----

 

Fast forward to the next day - I called her and she basically said she wanted to be friends - never apologized for ANYTHING - but wanted us not to hate each other. Im like well what about last night? She goes on to say that she doesn't love me and didn't mean any of the stuff she said last night. She was just tired, horny and in her feelings. She kind of laughed and said "does that make me a bad person?" I tried to ask her questions about her new girl and she refused to answer them.

 

 

I spoke to her a few days later - to try to have a adult rational conversation.. I ask her why play with me... all she could say (yell really) was "I LIED" and hung the phone up in my face..

 

 

Is it me or is this girl evil? WHY. Im no longer sad about everything I just don't get how someone can be so ice cold -she basically left me for someone else -was super mean in the process - then come back around to lie... and act like she has done nothing wrong?

 

WTF

[Highndry]

Update: Maybe three weeks ago or so she called me.. saying she felt bad about everything, basically called me because she thought our conversation would make her feel better. In the middle of the conversation we told each other we still loved each other. She also asked me if I was dating anyone and told me that her situation with her new girl was complicated.

 

--she called me when it was complicated with the new girl. wtf-----

 

Fast forward to the next day - I called her and she basically said she wanted to be friends - never apologized for ANYTHING - but wanted us not to hate each other. Im like well what about last night? She goes on to say that she doesn't love me and didn't mean any of the stuff she said last night. She was just tired, horny and in her feelings. She kind of laughed and said "does that make me a bad person?" I tried to ask her questions about her new girl and she refused to answer them.

 

 

I spoke to her a few days later - to try to have a adult rational conversation.. I ask her why play with me... all she could say (yell really) was "I LIED" and hung the phone up in my face..

 

 

Is it me or is this girl evil? WHY. Im no longer sad about everything I just don't get how someone can be so ice cold -she basically left me for someone else -was super mean in the process - then come back around to lie... and act like she has done nothing wrong?

 

WTF

 

I don't know about evil, but definitely sick and possibly sociopathic. No healthy person treats others with such blatant disrespect and cruelty. You should not ever talk to this person again. If ever there were one to block, it's her.

[sdraw108]

Is it me or is this girl evil?

 

She is toxic. There are plenty of people like that out there. One of your goals when dating should be to identify and get rid of such people at as early a stage as possible, because doing it later is always more difficult. Of course it can be hard, because people like this often show a nice side to get what they want, and you only see their bad side when they want something else instead. But there are often red flags even in the early stages, and you should pay close attention to those. In every bad relationship situation I've ever been in, I've always been able to look back at some action or thing said, and realize that that was the moment I should have known what was coming.

 

I'm sure you know it already, but the correct action here is to block her in every single way so that it isn't even possible for her to get a message or a call through to you again. Fast forward a few months, and you'll barely ever think about her again other than to occasionally laugh with other people about it. If you don't do it, then you'll be set back a little every time she pulls a stunt like this, and to what end? It's not like you'll get anything positive in return for that treatment, so there's no reason to do it.