i don't know what to tell my ex - i was the dumper

[rossella92]

Hello internet.

I need help with an issue regarding my ex boyfriend as stated in the title.

I left him in April for several reasons, mainly because after 1.5 year of relationship I ended up thinking he wasnt the right person for me (too much different personalities etc) but this is not the matter of the question...

 

Ever since the breakup we decided to remain in good terms, although he was still in love with me, he asked to stay friends and I couldn't say no because I still care about him of course, although not in a romantic- relationship way. In my opinion he tried several times to "win" me back, but I always said I didn't feel like going back together.

 

Since April so (also because we have some common friends, and a group-chat on Whatsapp) we kept contact, but 100% of the times he writes first. he opens the conversation with really casual stuff, like "how are you, how's life", but also mentioning nostalgic things about the past. He sometimes brings up something about his life or his careers, and then adds "I wish I had told you this about me before, too bad I never opened up with you": he says such things and it makes me believe that he, in some way, hopes that talking to me in this way will make me change my mind. Instead it only frustrates me and makes me feel worse.

 

Lately he has been asking me to hang out together SO MANY TIMES, i accepted just twice:

 

one time in June, when he said he had to go to the mall with his sister, and asked me if I wanted to go too, I accepted because I felt bad to say no, but only to later find out the sister didn't show and was never supposed to come with us (he baited me, basically): I remember that evening I had to ask to be brought back home, I was dying with headeache that situation was giving me, i was feeling so awkward and embarassed all the time, because whenever i was looking at some clothes or even doing anything, he would say something flirty like "that would look so sexy on you"...i swear to god maybe in writing it might sound just like a funny thing to say between ex's but listening to it it was not, it was rather creepy (i cant come up with a different word even though its a little bit too much) but mostly out of context....

 

the second time was when he had an important career advancement - that I had helped him achieve, when we were still together- so he proposed a toast for that, and I felt like it was a nice occasion to go out, but just like FRIENDS. I wanted to give it another opportunity, to see if we could make it work like friends without strange things. But the entire evening was embarassing, he kept glancing at me hoping for something, I didn't know what to say, I was never comfortable in that situation, when at the end of the date we said goodbye I wanted to cry so much because I could see the disappointment and sadness in his eyes- because he was obv hoping for something more than just a drink and a chat.

 

Since that moment tho, he keeps on asking to go out, once he asked me to go to the beach me and him alone, I said no, that was not convenient and was embarassing, since we had broke up he was best not to ask me such things, he said sorry and said he had understood. But then he keeps contacting me for every single thing crosses his mind !!!! :(:(

"have you seen the last got episode? hows your dog? your mom? your sister? your aunt? do you need something? lets go out together?" I feel almost ... hunted down? I feel I can't breath. If I don't answer, he contacts me on other medias and starts asking "Where are you?? Why don't you answer??? Are you alright?" and makes me feel guilty, loading me with anxiety. Its' not made in friendship, i dont know what the purpose of this all is, but it makes me feel so trapped.

 

Even tonight, he has just sent me a message asking me if I want to go out tomorrow for an ice cream at the park, although it has been 3 weeks that I OPENLY avoid every invitation and NEVER ONCE WROTE HIM FIRST!

 

I don't want to go out with him, it's embarassing and makes me feel bad. But I don't know what to tell him, how to tell him and not sound evil or mean, or make him feel bad, but this situation is stressing me, he text me non stop and its not in a friendly way i tell you. also it doesnt give me nor him time to think about our breakup, nothing, he's like hiding his head under the sand and keeps asking me stuff and to go out out out. I don't know what words to use, it will make him feel bad, but I don't want him asking me to go out anymore. What can I do.

 

- sorry for bad english, it's not my language!! i tried to explain the best i could!!

[Vanity1]

Stop communicating with him, and make it very clear you'll never get back together.

[SevenCity]

I'm not sure what's so confusing about your ex wanting to get back together.

 

As stated make it clear you don't want to get back together and only be friends if he has lost all feelings.

[basil67]

Tell him that his frequency of contact and approaches to hang out are making you uncomfortable. That if he can't pull it right back, you will need to cease being friends. Make it clear once and for all that you have moved on and have no intention of getting back together.

 

And frankly, there is nothing you can say which won't make him sad.

[breadbin]

Stop contacting him. The decent thing to do is this. If you actually care about him you will ignore him. He will end up hating you if you keep stringing him along like this. I know you're not doing it intentionally but everytime you reply to his text it is hope. Cruel to be kind. It's the only way. I'm speaking from first hand experience here!

[rossella92]

I'm not sure what's so confusing about your ex wanting to get back together.

 

As stated make it clear you don't want to get back together and only be friends if he has lost all feelings.

 

 

 

Im not saying his intentions are unclear, im not confused about that, i just can't understand how is it possible that he doesn't understand when its time to stop, even if he wants to go back together there must be a moment when a person realizes he is exaggerating ... apparently not

[trustyourself]

Honestly, my opinion is you stayed in contact to alleviate your guilt. You need to sit him down, and tell him there is no future with you.

 

And tell him you can't have any more contact, so you can both move on.

[elaine567]

Im not saying his intentions are unclear, im not confused about that, i just can't understand how is it possible that he doesn't understand when its time to stop, even if he wants to go back together there must be a moment when a person realizes he is exaggerating ... apparently not

 

He is determined to get you back so as long as you give him even the least bit of encouragement he will see that as "proof" that you are changing your mind. Read some of the posts on LS from guys who want their ex back, they are obsessed and they see "hope" in every word their ex utters.

 

YOU need to introduce distance and even if you need to be rude to get your point across then you need to do it.

He is stuck and as long as you are friendly towards him, he will continue to be stuck.

There is no nice way to break up, people get very hurt and sad, it is what it is.

 

YOU see no future with him, stick to your guns and be assertive.

Do not let him ruin your life as that is essentially what he is doing now by keeping you back from living your own life.

Tell him you NEVER want to get back with him and that it is best if he stops contacting you. Tell him you cannot be friends with him as he wants more.

If he doesn't get the hint then block him totally.

Yes he may call you cold, evil and mean, but what is the alternative?

YOU give in and go back to him, he is ecstatically happy and you are then miserable...

[rossella92]

Hi and thanks for your kind answers.

 

I know all of you are right.

 

I stopped answering his messages.. Once again he contacted me for random reasons ("have you seen yesterdays episode?"), I opened it and left it on read.

 

3 days have passed, and now he contacts me on another messaging app saying "You could open facebook sometimes".

What I would like to tell him: NO ANSWER IS ALSO AN ANSWER!

But I just said I don't have time to read messages because I'm studying for exams. He doesn't get it and I'm too scared to talk and hurt. I'm always hoping things will change on their own, but they don't.

 

I've already told him, during the break up, I don't see us going back together NEVER because we have different personalities and different life goals. We have already had that conversation. Me bringing it up again could make me seem like a bit.ch? I mean he's "just chatting" about random casual things, he could reply that he does it in friendship and I'm exxagerating. You see, we also have a lot of friends in common and I'm afraid everyone could think I'm being mean for no "actual" reason, because he is "just" being nice... He has never directly asked me to go back together, this is why I'm confused on how to act.

 

And no, I didn't kept in contact because I felt guilty... I answered his messages because I wanted to be nice But he can't tell when he crosses the line?

 

Probably if things keep going on like this I will eventually tell him I am dating someone else...(which im not!)

[breadbin]

You keep putting the blame on him. In my eyes he is the victim here. His heart has been ripped out and he will do anything to put it right. Breakups happen I get that and if you weren't happy then you had every right to end it but to drag him along like this is cruel.

 

Just be straight up with him. He is hurting and you will hurt him even more by ignoring him but it has to be done. He will get over it. I'd say just tell him out straight that you care for him but are never getting back with him and that you are cutting ties completely to help both of you heal.

[rossella92]

You keep putting the blame on him. In my eyes he is the victim here. His heart has been ripped out and he will do anything to put it right. Breakups happen I get that and if you weren't happy then you had every right to end it but to drag him along like this is cruel.

 

Just be straight up with him. He is hurting and you will hurt him even more by ignoring him but it has to be done. He will get over it. I'd say just tell him out straight that you care for him but are never getting back with him and that you are cutting ties completely to help both of you heal.

 

 

 

I'm sorry if it seems that I'm blaming him, I don't know how to express the feeling that I have in english. I know he has been heartbroken, but the reasons for the breakup were kind of mutual in the end. 6 months have passed. sending me 10 messages a day where I don't reply it's not my fault, it's called not understanding the situation.

My fault in this situation is that to my ears it sounds extremely rude just to go out and say: Please not contact me anymore. I have to make up a nicer message but with this meaning. but in NO WAY i' have never kept his hopes high, always stressed the fact that it was Over for GOOD, and i didn't know replying to 1 message out of 10 could be considered harmful

[d0nnivain]

NC works both ways.

 

On some level the dumper -- you -- has a responsibility to impose NC on the dumpee even when the dumpee doesn't want it. Here your EX is using the continued "friendship" as hope that you will eventually come back. For his own good you need to shut that off. You are a like a drug to him & you have to cut off his supply.

 

Don't ghost him because that is cruel. What you say to him is something like this:

 

We broke up in April. That means things changed. I don't want to hurt you nor do I want to be cruel. But you're not getting the message. We can't be friends. It's too soon & you are acting like we're still together or at least there is a chance. After I leave, I'm blocking you for your own good. You need to spend time away from me so get over me, to heal & to get on with your life.

 

Then you walk away & do just that. Get off the WhatsApp group. Unfriend & block him on social media. Get on with your own life.

Edited August 20, 2017 by d0nnivain

[breadbin]

Cruel to be kind.

 

Every time you text him back is hope in his eyes. The only way he can get the message is to take away that hope. i'm sorry I know you don't want to hurt him but you are and you're hurting him continuously now. He will never get over you if you are still around.

 

Send a text like donnivain suggested. Block him from everything and both go your separate ways. You can always revisit a friendship when you have both healed.

[mon.]

Clearly, kindly and firmly communicate him the need of ceasing contact 100%. You can even say this is for the time being, so he won't think he's lost you as a friend 'for ever' - as some dumpees think and worry. Then do it, don't string him along. It's more cruel than NC.

[SammySammy]

It's hard to be friends with exes.

 

That's why NC is important. It's gives both of you the space and time to heal. It also sends a clear signal the relationship is over. That's what is missing here. He keeps persisting and you're not being clear enough. Not being firm enough.

 

As hard as it may be, you have to cut the cord cleanly. Completely sever it and refuse to meet or communicate with him for a while. Until he gets the message.