New friendship with my ex is painful, how do I fix this?

[SSun]

My ex fiance and I recently began a friendship. Our breakup was a couple of years ago and I ignored his attempts to reconnect up until recently when I messaged him back.

 

Eventually we decided to talk by phone and he spent most of the call apologizing for how terrible he made our breakup. I accepted his apology and we updated each other on where our lives are now. He's dating and has had one serious relationship since our breakup. Oddly enough, his attempts to contact me he says were inspired by that relationship (he made them while still in that relationship). He said he knew hadn't done right by me and being with someone else helped him see that and that he still struggles to forgive himself for what he did to me. He said he doesn't think he'll ever find a connection like ours and has compared everyone he's dated since to me and they don't work out.

 

We set boundaries and have been open and honest about any feelings that come up but yesterday we both got particularly emotional and I realized that we may not be able to be friends. He said he pushed down the pain of the breakup and I know I buried some of my hurt from it. The pain comes up for us sometimes in our friendship even though most of the time we're laughing and talking like we never dated. He's been consistent in contact and respect and spends a lot of time apologizing to me when we talk.

 

I found myself crying last night after a phone call we had wherein we talked about what feelings were coming up and I see that I'm obviously not ready to be friends.

 

I've never been here before, how do I fix this?

Edited August 17, 2017 by SSun

[Zahara]

This isn't a friendship. This is a bandaid that both of you share. A bandaid that is temporarily relieving unresolved emotional hurts.

 

You posted back in February about his initial contact and much of what was an apology on his part for how he handled himself. Seven months since then, you both are still regurgitating feelings.

 

You cannot foster a friendship when you are still emotional. The best way to heal from that is to go separate ways and find resolve through self-reflection and moving on. When both of you have come to a point of indifference and acceptance, then maybe a friendship can be fostered. You can't have it both ways.

 

What is the objective of this contact anyway? Do you both want to rekindle? If not, it would be best to cut ties and keep moving on.

[Redhead14]

My ex fiance and I recently began a friendship. Our breakup was a couple of years ago and I ignored his attempts to reconnect up until recently when I messaged him back.

 

Eventually we decided to talk by phone and he spent most of the call apologizing for how terrible he made our breakup. I accepted his apology and we updated each other on where our lives are now. He's dating and has had one serious relationship since our breakup. Oddly enough, his attempts to contact me he says were inspired by that relationship (he made them while still in that relationship). He said he knew hadn't done right by me and being with someone else helped him see that and that he still struggles to forgive himself for what he did to me. He said he doesn't think he'll ever find a connection like ours and has compared everyone he's dated since to me and they don't work out.

 

We set boundaries and have been open and honest about any feelings that come up but yesterday we both got particularly emotional and I realized that we may not be able to be friends. He said he pushed down the pain of the breakup and I know I buried some of my hurt from it. The pain comes up for us sometimes in our friendship even though most of the time we're laughing and talking like we never dated. He's been consistent in contact and respect and spends a lot of time apologizing to me when we talk.

 

I found myself crying last night after a phone call we had wherein we talked about what feelings were coming up and I see that I'm obviously not ready to be friends.

 

I've never been here before, how do I fix this?

 

This is the reason that it's not a good idea to remain "friends" after a romantic relationship ends.

 

What you should do now is explain to him how you're feeling and that you want to move on from each other. You can tell him that in your heart you would consider him to be at least a friend, but that you have emotions that need to be put away and that can't happen if you remain in contact.

[breadbin]

I feel for you. Even though it's been years there is obviously still chemistry between the two of you which will stop you being friends. You can force the friendship but my advice is to just cut your losses and accept the fact you're truly not going to be able to be friends with this guy because of the history. Sure it might happen in the future but if it's still hurting after a couple of years it shows there is and was a very strong emotional bond there.

 

But that's ok because you get to choose your friends right? At least he's not family.

[Blanco]

New friendship with my ex is painful, how do I fix this?

By not having a "friendship" with your ex.

 

[]

Edited August 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~6

[d0nnivain]

You stop trying to do the impossible.

 

 

You can't be "friends" with an EX. You can be civil. You can be courteous & concerned. You can't have routine contact & your discussions should be limited to trivial superficial matters.

 

 

I occasionally bump into EXs. We'll chat for a few minutes, maybe get a cup of coffee We'll catch up . . . how's the family etc.? But we rarely go out of our way to intentionally interact. I say rarely because I sent a condolence card when an EX's father died. Several of my EXs reached out to express condolences when my parents died. (We live & work in small circles so mutual friends keep us abreast of the big stuff like deaths)

[SSun]

This isn't a friendship. This is a bandaid that both of you share. A bandaid that is temporarily relieving unresolved emotional hurts.

 

You posted back in February about his initial contact and much of what was an apology on his part for how he handled himself. Seven months since then, you both are still regurgitating feelings.

 

You cannot foster a friendship when you are still emotional. The best way to heal from that is to go separate ways and find resolve through self-reflection and moving on. When both of you have come to a point of indifference and acceptance, then maybe a friendship can be fostered. You can't have it both ways.

 

What is the objective of this contact anyway? Do you both want to rekindle? If not, it would be best to cut ties and keep moving on.

 

You're right, at this point it's not much of a friendship. Our clear objective was to be friends but then we started feeling things and because our breakup was so bad we spent a bit of time there. Now while it's mostly friendly, it's difficult not to blur the lines and be hurt or feel like there's a more intimate connection.

[SSun]

This is the reason that it's not a good idea to remain "friends" after a romantic relationship ends.

 

What you should do now is explain to him how you're feeling and that you want to move on from each other. You can tell him that in your heart you would consider him to be at least a friend, but that you have emotions that need to be put away and that can't happen if you remain in contact.

 

This is tough. He asked me if I would end things once I got all I needed from the friendship and I said I wouldn't. I'm supportive of his dating as I know that despite our feelings for each other we don't work romantically.

[Zahara]

You're right, at this point it's not much of a friendship. Our clear objective was to be friends but then we started feeling things and because our breakup was so bad we spent a bit of time there. Now while it's mostly friendly, it's difficult not to blur the lines and be hurt or feel like there's a more intimate connection.

 

Well, you can't have it both ways. If there is still an emotional connection/scar there, it would be best to go NC and move on. Revisit that friendship if you want to in the future when both of you can actually enjoy that connection rather than try to foster it now under unhealthy intentions.

[SSun]

I feel for you. Even though it's been years there is obviously still chemistry between the two of you which will stop you being friends. You can force the friendship but my advice is to just cut your losses and accept the fact you're truly not going to be able to be friends with this guy because of the history. Sure it might happen in the future but if it's still hurting after a couple of years it shows there is and was a very strong emotional bond there.

 

But that's ok because you get to choose your friends right? At least he's not family.

 

 

The chemistry is what's tripping us up. We had a strong connection and even now we can talk for long periods of time and share a ton of interests. This was the longest relationship we each had and we were engaged so I also think theres a lot of grief over what could have been.

[whatnot]

I've never understood the friendship thing with an ex. We're not friends. We're people who were once in love with each other. That's not like having a pal to hang out with. At least...it's never been that way with me. Nor have I ever wanted it to be.

 

 

"How do I fix this?"

 

You are either back with him....or you break up with him again.

 

That's how I interpret your question.

 

 

btw...and.....fwiw....a couple of years for a broken engagement is not that long. And you were talking even before that.....

[SSun]

Well, you can't have it both ways. If there is still an emotional connection/scar there, it would be best to go NC and move on. Revisit that friendship if you want to in the future when both of you can actually enjoy that connection rather than try to foster it now under unhealthy intentions.

 

Hi Zahara,

 

Thank you for your replies, I was just getting to your first one. I agree that we can't enjoy our friendship at the moment because we're still feeling a lot. I told him yesterday that I didn't feel I could be a good friend to him and he asked me if I thought our friendship had to end. I told him I wasn't sure. I spent most of our time talking yesterday supporting his dating efforts, he didn't ask me to do that. I wanted him to know that I really want him to be happy and I told him that I'm concerned that whoever he ends up with might not be too keen on him talking to me. I don't have a problem maintaining no contact but I really miss our connection, apart from the romance. We don't work there. We have a lot in common but we tended to have extreme highs and lows because we have fundamental differences when it comes to how we approach certain things.

[SSun]

Well, you can't have it both ways. If there is still an emotional connection/scar there, it would be best to go NC and move on. Revisit that friendship if you want to in the future when both of you can actually enjoy that connection rather than try to foster it now under unhealthy intentions.

 

I've never understood the friendship thing with an ex. We're not friends. We're people who were once in love with each other. That's not like having a pal to hang out with. At least...it's never been that way with me. Nor have I ever wanted it to be.

 

 

"How do I fix this?"

 

You are either back with him....or you break up with him again.

 

That's how I interpret your question.

 

 

btw...and.....fwiw....a couple of years for a broken engagement is not that long. And you were talking even before that.....

 

Thank you for your reply. I don't want him back but I do like having him in my life.

 

We hadn't talked, I just answered that one call after a year of NC and he apologized, I said I accepted it and hung up. We hadn't talked since then until recently, although he reached out after that.

 

I thought enough time had passed since our broken engagement but I know you're right, it hasnt been that long.

[SSun]

You stop trying to do the impossible.

 

 

You can't be "friends" with an EX. You can be civil. You can be courteous & concerned. You can't have routine contact & your discussions should be limited to trivial superficial matters.

 

 

I occasionally bump into EXs. We'll chat for a few minutes, maybe get a cup of coffee We'll catch up . . . how's the family etc.? But we rarely go out of our way to intentionally interact. I say rarely because I sent a condolence card when an EX's father died. Several of my EXs reached out to express condolences when my parents died. (We live & work in small circles so mutual friends keep us abreast of the big stuff like deaths)

 

The contact part resonates with me because we went from once a week to phone calls and texting every day. I think we definitely made a mistake there.

[Redhead14]

This is tough. He asked me if I would end things once I got all I needed from the friendship and I said I wouldn't. I'm supportive of his dating as I know that despite our feelings for each other we don't work romantically.

 

You aren't getting anything from the friendship -- so that "promise" is moot.

[preraph]

This is just keeping you hanging on. You need to take control of it and just tell him, Look, I need to move on and to do that, we need to stop trying to be friends.

[SSun]

You aren't getting anything from the friendship -- so that "promise" is moot.

 

Yeah, I didn't see it as a promise.

[breadbin]

Why would you spend your time with him supporting his dating efforts? That's just wrong.

[SSun]

Why would you spend your time with him supporting his dating efforts? That's just wrong.

 

He didn't bring it up, I did. He said he has stopped dating for the moment, so I asked him why and he said he can't find a good match. So I asked him to tell me about it and he told me about what his dating life has been like. I offered my opinion and reassured him that he'd find someone.

[SSun]

My ex and I have been attempting to be friends and save for some leftover feelings making conversations trying, there has been no drama. Last week he told me that he was going to be going out of town to clear his mind - he stressed that he'd be going alone. I told him I wished him well and would talk to him when he got back. Today, I logged onto one of my social media accounts and saw that he'd blocked me. It seemed odd, so I found a away around it and discovered that a woman about 20 years his junior (I'm significantly younger than him too) had posted videos of them hanging out where he said he'd be going out of town. I wasn't hurt, as I never had any interest in getting back with him and told him so before he left for his trip.

 

At this point, I don't want to be friends with a liar. We are not dating, so why would he lie?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe he thought he was sparing your feelings, or maybe he was attempting to keep you in his back pocket.

[SSun]

Maybe he thought he was sparing your feelings, or maybe he was attempting to keep you in his back pocket.

 

Before he left for his trip he started talking like he wanted to reconcile and said he'd make a good partner for me - I believed at the time that he meant to say friend - while we were discussing our friendship and our boundaries. I also let him know that I was dating someone else. So that makes the lie even more confusing.

[Blanco]

We are not dating, so why would he lie?

 

My ex and I have been attempting to be friends and save for some leftover feelings making conversations trying, there has been no drama.

 

There you go.