"Update: 4 weeks NC and ex reaches out saying he wants me back"?

[Jjun]

We dated for a year and broke up 3 days ago after a few weeks of fighting. I would always be upset about something and feel like he never showed me he loved enough or did enough.

 

This weekend we were at a music festival and i got really mad over things and started making comments about how we should break up and was just kind of nasty. The past few weeks i have been hanging with his friends a lot and telling them about our problems as well.

 

All of this kind of built up and now he says he kind of just snapped and felt like he was always trying and i would just always be upset about something. The day we broke up he said he still loved me but wanted to be single because he was just tired of constantly trying and failing.

 

I regret everything I did and feel so bad because I've come to the realization that i was the problem as much (maybe more) than him in the relationship..

 

I texted him today to meet and he didn't want to and said that he just snapped and was all too much and now he is just indifferent to it whenever he thinks about us. He did agree to meet though after i asked for closure.. i guess i kind of want to apologize and maybe show him im not as bad as he thinks.

 

But hearing him say he was indifferent broke my heart because just a few days ago he was telling me how much he loved me and how we will work through anything forever. I don't understand how someone just changes their mind and becomes so cold and different within a few days.. did he never love me? I just don't know what to do anymore..

[Jjun]

Literally last week he was talking about how much he loved me and how he was considering marrying me in the future and having kids.Is there no return from this point of indifference? is he tapped out completely? I just cant stop thinking about how i could have prevented all of this and how i pushed him to this point..

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, would you want to be with someone who was always pissed off and fighting with you? And then airing your dirty laundry with your friends?

 

He reached his limits. He probably did love you at one point, but he's been pushed too far and isn't interested in trying anymore.

 

What were you so upset about all the time?

[Jjun]

I would be upset that he would be partying all the time or forget occasions and not get gifts (anniversaries or holidays). It was honestly a bunch of little things that seemed big at the time. He would get too drunk at parties or events and I would have to deal with it.

 

Looking back, I am realizing how dumb I was and I regret it all. But is this final? Will he never be able to feel the same towards me as he did before?

[stillafool]

I can understand how he feels and I'm a woman. I can't stand being around someone who is constantly pissed off at me. It just brings me down and I would be indifferent after a while no matter how much I originally loved them. You guys aren't even living together or married and you are angry. I don't think you will change because whatever he is doing makes you angry and it will resurface again. Maybe you need to find someone you're more compatible with.

[Redhead14]

Given your attitude and behavior, this guy was likely feeling like he was always walking on eggshells and since it's ended, what he's feeling is relief, not indifference per se. I'm sorry to be harsh, but people do have limits he reached his. He stuck with it as long as he could apparently.

 

i kind of want to apologize and maybe show him im not as bad as he thinks. - An apology doesn't negate the history -- that bell can't be unrung with words. He may accept the apology but he couldn't accept the behavior.

 

just a few days ago he was telling me how much he loved me and how we will work through anything forever. -- It was easy to say that before there was another "incident" . . .

 

I just don't know what to do anymore -- Find yourself a guy who makes you feel the way you need to feel and doesn't cause you to be resentful all the time. You two were just likely incompatible in the long run.

Edited August 16, 2017 by Redhead14

[Jjun]

Does this mean that i have no chance with him? I see what I was doing now and I wish so much I could just take it back. I know I need to work on myself, but he was just such a great persona and I miss him and having him in my life. I'm so afraid to lose him.

I really think i can look past those things now and not be the way i was before. I think i just took advantage of how nice he was and was being stupid by pushing his buttons constantly.

[Redhead14]

Does this mean that i have no chance with him? I see what I was doing now and I wish so much I could just take it back. I know I need to work on myself, but he was just such a great persona and I miss him and having him in my life. I'm so afraid to lose him.

I really think i can look past those things now and not be the way i was before. I think i just took advantage of how nice he was and was being stupid by pushing his buttons constantly.

 

No way for us to really say whether you have no chance with him. That's up to him personally. However, you are not going to change overnight. You can say it right now all you want, but the likelihood is you might try to do better for a while and will not be able to maintain it for long because that's just the way you are now.

 

I think you would do better to let this one go. Spend some time focusing on just you and your needs and able to stand on your own and be independent for a while. Once you get a handle on how to be your own person and focus on your needs, you'll find someone who compliments your life more naturally and you won't feel the need to pull on them to make them be the way you want them to be. You need to find someone who is already the person who is more compatible with you and meets your needs more readily/naturally.

[Jjun]

I know that we are not very compatible and are different, but now that I have lost him I realize how much i truly cared for him. I think I truly loved him. And I see now all that he did for me that i overlooked before..

 

When you guys all ask me if I would want to be with someone like myself. Obviously not, but I really feel that I acted that way because i didn't understand the situation and was just dumb and afraid. I'm also willing to grow up and change, not just for him, but for myself.

 

I just want him to go back to how he felt about me before, but I know that there has been a lot of damage done already. I want to give it time and space so maybe he will understand me more and forgive me. But right now I just feel hopeless and like I lost a great guy for no reason other than my stupidity.

[preraph]

Your first and last paragraphs completely contradict each other. In the first you said you were always upset because it never seems like you loved you or did enough for you. And your last you say because he love you so much and cetera et cetera.

 

It doesn't sound like it was ever a good relationship so you need to let it go like he has.

[Jjun]

Everything you are saying is true and I know long run wise that is the best option. But something in me just doesn't want to let him go.. I want it to work with him so badly :/

[Jjun]

I think during the relationship I took him for granted and didn't see all the things he did for me. Now that he has gone and I sat down and thought about everything, I realized that he actually did a lot of things that I overlooked..

[Blanco]

You're both pretty young, and from your other thread, you didn't sound compatible. Not everyone relationship is a failure if you come away from it with some lessons that you can apply to future relationships and life, in general.

 

Let this guy be.

[Redhead14]

Everything you are saying is true and I know long run wise that is the best option. But something in me just doesn't want to let him go.. I want it to work with him so badly :/

 

Sweetie, the truth is you love the idea of him, not necessarily HIM. He wasn't meeting your needs that's all. You don't seek just any guy to be a boyfriend and then try to mold them to your liking. Women/men do this all the time. They try to fit a square peg into a round hole. Or, like your boyfriend was doing, just being himself and that didn't make you happy. That's frustrating to anyone to feel like a failure for their girlfriend. They do try to change/fit, but they become resentful, smothered and feel bad in the relationship inspite of their efforts.

[Jjun]

I know, but what I am thinking now is that maybe the needs I had were way too high and I didn't appreciate him for what he was. Looking back, I realize i did love a lot of his personalty traits and him as a person. I feel that the fact that he tried to change was also a sign that i should've seen and appreciated. But instead i beat him down for it more.. I just want a second chance to show him i really do love him for him and that i can change and not be as bitter as before. But i'm just afraid that he has given up on me and wont even want to get back together since he seems to be moving on so fast and not care much for me

[Blanco]

Even if you got him back, it'd only be a matter of time before the same issues arose that strained the relationship in the first place.

 

You might feel like you'd be willing to overlook them now, but you're saying that because you want to do anything you can to stave off the hurt of a breakup. Once back in, you'd slowly find yourself becoming resentful of the same things from before.

[Jjun]

But what if the things that I got mad over before were very small and irrational for the most part? Like picking small fights over dumb things out of insecurity or boredom? Which I feel like majority of the fights were like that.

[Jjun]

I just feel like he is a really good guy and I don't want to lose him out of my own stupidity and problems that I caused. I realize he was immature and stuff, but what can be expected from a 21 year old.. I just want to show him that I understand and see what made him so frustrated and that I am willing to fight for him..

[Blanco]

I don't doubt you believe you've done a 180 and can now be this patient, rational, and mature person. I also don't doubt that you can eventually be all of these things in time. But it's ridiculous to think that you've turned such a corner in 72 hours.

 

As I said, some relationships are there to teach us lessons. I think you're both young enough that there is nothing to "fight" for here. Rather, you can hopefully look back years from now and remember this guy and relationship as what started you down the path to conduct yourself in a more mature manner.

[ExpatInItaly]

But what if the things that I got mad over before were very small and irrational for the most part? Like picking small fights over dumb things out of insecurity or boredom? Which I feel like majority of the fights were like that.

 

That's not any better, really. All that does is demonstrate that you're over-dramatic and have poor coping skills when you're upset. You don't know how to choose your battles.

 

At the end of the day, nobody wants to be with someone who's difficult to please and emotionally high-maintenance. The relationship becomes a pain in the backside rather than a pleasure, which is the reason your ex ended it. I once ended it with an ex for the same reason. I got very tired of always feeling like I couldn't make him happy.

 

It's hard to say if he'd want to give it another try, but now isn't the time. He has negative feelings about you and the relationship right now. The dust would need to settle before a reconciliation would be possible, if it's in the cards at all.

[DKT3]

Listen, you absolutely have a shot of him coming back around. He is mad and it's only been a few days. He will calm down and likely reach out.

 

HOWEVER, it will fail once again. I see a bigger issue, it's in the way you are emotionally manipulative. You think crying wolf (wanting to break up) is a healthy way to resolve issues? This is what makes him feel indifferent, only so many times you can push someone to the edge and have them return.

 

Does he really love you? Not Sure, safe money would be he doesn't really understand what love is at his age. Men aren't (for the most part) as emotionally evolved as women of the same age. But I'm sure he cares about you just as much as he did last week. He has gone into self protect mode.

 

I think if he comes back, which I believe is highly likely, you two should talk to someone who can help you understand how to resolve issues as a couple. Even if he doesn't, it would still be a good idea for you to read a book or two on the subject. Problem solving in a healthy manner goes into every aspect of life.

 

Good luck, just back off and allow him time.

[Jjun]

You are both very correct. I can not and did not grow and mature in the last 72 hours. But I did come to clarity and realize what it is that I have done.. I realized how immature I was being and i realized why he felt the way that he did. Now i want to just meet with him and talk this out in order to apologize and let him know that I am aware and understanding of everything that happened. I don't want to, nor plan to, get back together immediately. I think we both need time apart, but I felt that if I just let this go he would move on and forget rather than consider that, "hey maybe she was the one for me". I just hate having him feel indifferent and having such a bad taste about me in his mouth, because I swear i'm really not that bad of a person

 

I also feel like we had something special and I don't want to see it go that easily I guess.

[Redhead14]

I just feel like he is a really good guy and I don't want to lose him out of my own stupidity and problems that I caused. I realize he was immature and stuff, but what can be expected from a 21 year old.. I just want to show him that I understand and see what made him so frustrated and that I am willing to fight for him..

 

He's 21 and has the maturity of a 21 year old. You are equally as young and you don't have the relationship skills yet either. Young love like this is rarely ever the last love. Use this experience as a learning tool for your future. Gain insight into yourself and discover more of yourself and what your needs really are. You're rethinking everything now. You needed what you needed when you needed it and now thinking you will tell him you will change because he wouldn't change. That's not good. You wanted him to change for you and since he didn't, you are now willing to change to keep him????

 

I am willing to fight for him -- You might win that fight, but what will you have really gained? The same guy who wasn't making you happy and that you were trying to change. History will repeat itself. Neither of you can change -- at least not in a short span of time. You may win the battle, but lose the war.

[Blanco]

I'll be blunt: You're 20/21. It is highly unlikely that this guy was "the one."

[Whodatdog]

The opposite of love is indifference.

 

When people keep fighting and arguing and fighting about petty things...yes, you were getting upset over petty stuff...it tends to wear on feelings. You have to build up a relationship in order to keep feelings fresh and clear. When you keep fighting and tearing someone down, the feelings will fade. Sadly, it sounds like what happened here. He felt it just wasnt worth the fighting and arguing anymore.