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My girlfriend breaks up with me all the time!


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Hi everyone,

 

I would like to apologize for the length of my email cause I really need an honest advice. I'm totally devastated and wrecked at the moment.

 

I have been with my gf for three years. I'm 30 years old she is 24. Before we went on an actual date, we spoke on fb for about a month. Even though our first date went well, she disappeared for a month. I really don't know why but my gut was telling me that she was seeing someone else. I was right. After a month, she initiated contact with me again and she desperately wanted to go out with me again. Her explanation was that she got in touch with her ex again and her feeling got mixed up. However, I've decided to go out with her again, even though she changed her mind, cause I've really liked her. After two months we were a couple. I was so into her. She is gorgeous, smart and sensitive. After an year, I have pop the question she accepted. The major problem occurred when she told her father about me. He went completely nuts and didn't want to meet me at all. He told her that I'm a loser, bump, and that she deserved better. I'm a doctor, btw. Long story short, he said that she has to broke up with me instantly, cause it never gone work out. She didn't listed to her father, and except going on classes on university, he practically locked her home so we cannot see each other. For two years, we only saw each other on coffee (30 min). We talked on the phone a lot, social media etc. We didn't go out on actual dinner dates like other couples, no movies, nothing. But I really loved her and I've decided to wait if her father change his mind in meantime.

 

Besides this problem, the real nightmare began when my I've actual noticed that my gf is changing her mood like socks. In the past two years, she wanted to broke up with me 5-6 times. She has a very bad mood swings from euphoria to depression. Every time we had an argument, she'll flip out and broke up with me dramatically. After two days, she'll call me saying that she missed me and wanted to talk to me. Each of our conversation ended up me convicing her that I trully love her and we should be together. HUGE MISTAKE!

Fast forward, last year my dear mother passed away from cancer......... :((( She was fighting extremely hard to beat up this disease, but she didn't make it :(((.... I was extremely close to her. I've practicaly quit my job for six months in order to be near her. I've slept at the hospital everyday in order to be with her. In this extremely stressful situation, my gf wanted to broke up with me again. She knew how much my mother means to me and that I have to be in the hospital, but she insisted to see me everyday, like she was jealous etc. I was so desperate when my mother died. I needed a support and I needed a true friend. I thought that my gf gets. However, after a while she wanted to broke up with me again.

This summer, we were planning to get a place together. Hence, I've sold my old apartment fast (for less money) so I can get a place in a better neighborhood. I was working my ass off in order to find a suitable place, and she was constantly complaining.

The situation culminated two weeks ago when I went out for a drink with a good friend of mine. Even though I've told her I'll be out for a drink she started texted me like a lunatic in a middle of the night and accusing me of cheating. I have never cheated her in my entire life. Next morning she texted me this: I DON NOT WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU. I'M UNHAPPY WITH YOU. MY PARENTS HATE YOU. LETS BROKE UP LIKE ADULTS. I didn't respond nothing. Next day she called me and said: I would like to return your staff along with the ring. I do not want to talk to you at all. I've said: OK.

Two days later she called me again, crying that she is miserable and lost without me and that we should meet. I've said: NO WAY! I've had it with you. We're done for good. This relationship is sick and unhealthy and I'm leaving. I'm tired of you changing your mind all the time. I'm tired of your father following us and threatens to kill me. She said: you haven't been this mean to me. What is wrong with you??? I will be lost without you... Please don't leave me. Two days in a row she was calling me begging me to make up again. She was expecting that I will beg her to be with me again, because I'm so desperate and I can't find another girl like her. But I'm done with her for GOOD. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. This is not LOVE anymore.

 

Let's do a retrospective here. I have done everything for this girl. I was SUPER nice with her. I was cariing and loving bf. I was there whenever she needed me. I was blinded by love.... I've actually realized now that she might have a personality disorder, cause I have/t met a girl with such an enormous mood swings. She also lied to me on several occasions and she was manipulative with me. Can't take it anymore.

We saw yesterday so she can return my staff and she started crying and screaming in my car that she can't live without me. She is nothing without me. She was crying her eyes out. She wanted to get back to together. I didn't want to... Actually I couldn't wait for her to get out of my car... She said I'll wait for you for a month and I'll call you again?!! WTF? I've said please don't, from tomorrow, you'll be on my block list.

 

I feel really sad at this moment. I cannot get bac together with her. Cause she will keep breaking up with me. I cannot have a future with this type of a girl. What do you guys think?? Do you think she might be a bi polar person?

 

p.s. I'm packing my bags right know and I'm going on hiking for two weeks. I can't stand being like this anymore :(((

 

Thank you

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Your in a toxic relationship. She is always going to be like that. One minute she loves you. The next not so much.

And you'll get tired of the up and down. It will wear you down both physically and mentally.

The only way to solve it is to block her and never talk to her again.

You've already taken her back countless times so in essense she thinks you will continue to do that. So you have to go NC.

I had a relationship like that once and towards the end I just couldn't stand it.

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You are describing some hallmark characteristics of a person who is bi polar and/or borderline personality. These people can be very difficult to have a relationship with. You sound very young and moving on from her would be a very good thing for YOU. You don't have the skillset or maturity/relationship experience to handle this. Until she gets counseling and a diagnosis, she will struggle with all this herself.

 

Keep moving. Block and delete her. You need peace, not drama and manipulation.

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ExpatInItaly

She sounds as though she could be biploar, or BPD. I am quite familiar with the latter, as my ex is diagnosed BPD and displayed many of the same behaviour patterns as yours.

 

In any case, good for you for finally calling it all off. She is emotionally very unstable and is no place to be in a relationship, let alone married.

 

But I think it would be better for you to reflect on your own behaviour so you can make positive changes. Why did you tolerate such a crappy relationship for so long? Why stick around with a girl whose father apparently makes death threats? Why put up with a relationship in which you can't even go on a date?

 

Next time, run when those red flags start waving. You can't out-nice emotional instability.

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The next time she breaks up with you don't go back to her. As long as you continue to do the same thing so will she. Just let her go.

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Thank you so much for your response.

You wonder why did a stayed with this girl if she keep braking up with me? I feel lost and I really needed an honest person around me. However, my now ex, don't wanted to have children for the next 5-6 years. I could not wait that long and I'm not going to anymore. The last thing that happened (because I've deleted all social media profiles) she texted my aunt (because I do not have a mother anymore) that she feels desperate and that she can't live without me. My aunt called me today asking me what happened? I mean why the hell did she contacted my aunt???

This girl has offended me numerous times. Commenting my hair style, my clothing etc. I still have a feelings for her, but I trully believe that if I ever get back with her, she'll do the same thing. I've totally lost my self esteem... I feel auwful that I've lost three years of my life with her... I've really attached to her emotionally.... It's not fair... If I ever gave my love to another girlfriend, she would've treated me as a KING.

I would really appreciate an opinion from a guy/girl who have been in this same situation as me. Is no contact at all the only solution? Should I move on with my life completely? Please help me :(((

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She might have a personality disorder, cause I have/t met a girl with such an enormous mood swings.
Zi, the two most common causes of mood changes are hormone change and drug abuse. Given that your GF is neither pregnant nor a drug abuser, it seems unlikely they are a source of her instability. I therefore agree with RedHead and ExPat that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes -- BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and BP (Bipolar Disorder) -- warrant serious consideration.

 

Do you think she might be a bipolar person?
Yes, she might be bipolar. That is not what you seem to be describing here, however. Instead, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, black-white thinking, verbal abuse, anger issues, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I'm not saying that your GF exhibits full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I mention this because a person exhibiting "enormous mood swings" -- as you say -- is emotionally unstable. Significantly, of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control one's own emotions.

 

My girlfriend breaks up with me all the time!
If she is a BPDer, that cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is to be expected. This is why BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

She started texted me like a lunatic in a middle of the night and accusing me of cheating. I have never cheated her in my entire life.
If your GF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she has a great fear of abandonment -- which is one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. This fear typically is manifested in behavior as an irrational jealousy. BPDers mistakenly see abandonment threats where they don't even exist -- e.g., your looking at another woman for a second instead of a half-second. My BPDer exW, for example, would fear abandonment whenever I was walking two steps in front of her on a narrow sidewalk (presumably because she misinterpreted it to mean I was ashamed to be seen close to her in public).

 

This relationship is sick and unhealthy and I'm leaving.
I agree with Been (post #2) that "You're in a toxic relationship." Importantly, this toxicity is not something SHE is doing to you. Rather, it is something you BOTH are doing to each other. Her contributions to the toxicity (e.g., her verbal abuse and mood flips) are easy to see.

 

Your contributions, however, are more difficult to see because your goal of helping her and loving her is so well intended. Yet, by enabling her to continue behaving like a spoiled brat -- and GET AWAY WITH IT -- you are harming her. The harm occurs because you are protecting her from the logical consequences of her own bad behavior. In that way, you are destroying any incentives she might have to confront her own issues and learn how to control them.

 

I'm tired of walking on eggshells.
Zi, if you've been dating a BPDer for three years, that is exactly how you should be feeling. The abused partners of BPDers usually feel like they are walking on eggshells to avoid triggering another senseless argument. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

My gf is so ungrateful and mean![7/22/16 post.]
If your GF is a BPDer, you are always walking on eggshells because any little thing has the potential to trigger her rage episodes. The reason is that a BPDer has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do or say a thing to CREATE the anger. You only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger that is always there below the surface. This is why a BPDer can burst into a temper tantrum in only a few seconds. And this is why another one of the 9 defining symptoms is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger."

 

She started crying and screaming in my car that she can't live without me.
"Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats" is another one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. If you are interested, Zi, you will find the complete list of BPD symptoms at 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

She also lied to me on several occasions and she was manipulative with me.
Frequent lying and manipulation is a symptom for narcissism (NPD), not BPD. Yet, if she really does exhibit strong BPD traits, there is a good chance she also exhibits NPD traits too. A recent American study found that a third of the women having full-blown BPD also exhibited full-blown NPD as well. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

My girlfriend's dad hates my guts! ...is her father a total lunatic?
Although the cause of BPD has not yet been determined, the current prevailing belief is that it comes from one of the parents -- through inherited genes and/or emotional abuse by that parent during early childhood. If this is true, and if your GF is a BPDer, you already have a good idea as to which side of her family the problem came from.

 

I really need honest advice.
Zi, I agree with all of the other respondents that you should enjoy your 2-week hike and remain NC when you return. It's time to move on. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot when they occur, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both BPD and bipolar. An easy place to start reading is my list of 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. It is largely based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells -- as I suspect it will -- I would suggest you also take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Zi.

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Hi everyone,

 

I would like to apologize for the length of my email cause I really need an honest advice. I'm totally devastated and wrecked at the moment.

 

I have been with my gf for three years. I'm 30 years old she is 24. Before we went on an actual date, we spoke on fb for about a month. Even though our first date went well, she disappeared for a month. I really don't know why but my gut was telling me that she was seeing someone else. I was right. After a month, she initiated contact with me again and she desperately wanted to go out with me again. Her explanation was that she got in touch with her ex again and her feeling got mixed up. However, I've decided to go out with her again, even though she changed her mind, cause I've really liked her. After two months we were a couple. I was so into her. She is gorgeous, smart and sensitive. After an year, I have pop the question she accepted. The major problem occurred when she told her father about me. He went completely nuts and didn't want to meet me at all. He told her that I'm a loser, bump, and that she deserved better. I'm a doctor, btw. Long story short, he said that she has to broke up with me instantly, cause it never gone work out. She didn't listed to her father, and except going on classes on university, he practically locked her home so we cannot see each other. For two years, we only saw each other on coffee (30 min). We talked on the phone a lot, social media etc. We didn't go out on actual dinner dates like other couples, no movies, nothing. But I really loved her and I've decided to wait if her father change his mind in meantime.

 

Besides this problem, the real nightmare began when my I've actual noticed that my gf is changing her mood like socks. In the past two years, she wanted to broke up with me 5-6 times. She has a very bad mood swings from euphoria to depression. Every time we had an argument, she'll flip out and broke up with me dramatically. After two days, she'll call me saying that she missed me and wanted to talk to me. Each of our conversation ended up me convicing her that I trully love her and we should be together. HUGE MISTAKE!

Fast forward, last year my dear mother passed away from cancer......... :((( She was fighting extremely hard to beat up this disease, but she didn't make it :(((.... I was extremely close to her. I've practicaly quit my job for six months in order to be near her. I've slept at the hospital everyday in order to be with her. In this extremely stressful situation, my gf wanted to broke up with me again. She knew how much my mother means to me and that I have to be in the hospital, but she insisted to see me everyday, like she was jealous etc. I was so desperate when my mother died. I needed a support and I needed a true friend. I thought that my gf gets. However, after a while she wanted to broke up with me again.

This summer, we were planning to get a place together. Hence, I've sold my old apartment fast (for less money) so I can get a place in a better neighborhood. I was working my ass off in order to find a suitable place, and she was constantly complaining.

The situation culminated two weeks ago when I went out for a drink with a good friend of mine. Even though I've told her I'll be out for a drink she started texted me like a lunatic in a middle of the night and accusing me of cheating. I have never cheated her in my entire life. Next morning she texted me this: I DON NOT WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU. I'M UNHAPPY WITH YOU. MY PARENTS HATE YOU. LETS BROKE UP LIKE ADULTS. I didn't respond nothing. Next day she called me and said: I would like to return your staff along with the ring. I do not want to talk to you at all. I've said: OK.

Two days later she called me again, crying that she is miserable and lost without me and that we should meet. I've said: NO WAY! I've had it with you. We're done for good. This relationship is sick and unhealthy and I'm leaving. I'm tired of you changing your mind all the time. I'm tired of your father following us and threatens to kill me. She said: you haven't been this mean to me. What is wrong with you??? I will be lost without you... Please don't leave me. Two days in a row she was calling me begging me to make up again. She was expecting that I will beg her to be with me again, because I'm so desperate and I can't find another girl like her. But I'm done with her for GOOD. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. This is not LOVE anymore.

 

Let's do a retrospective here. I have done everything for this girl. I was SUPER nice with her. I was cariing and loving bf. I was there whenever she needed me. I was blinded by love.... I've actually realized now that she might have a personality disorder, cause I have/t met a girl with such an enormous mood swings. She also lied to me on several occasions and she was manipulative with me. Can't take it anymore.

We saw yesterday so she can return my staff and she started crying and screaming in my car that she can't live without me. She is nothing without me. She was crying her eyes out. She wanted to get back to together. I didn't want to... Actually I couldn't wait for her to get out of my car... She said I'll wait for you for a month and I'll call you again?!! WTF? I've said please don't, from tomorrow, you'll be on my block list.

 

I feel really sad at this moment. I cannot get bac together with her. Cause she will keep breaking up with me. I cannot have a future with this type of a girl. What do you guys think?? Do you think she might be a bi polar person?

 

p.s. I'm packing my bags right know and I'm going on hiking for two weeks. I can't stand being like this anymore :(((

 

Thank you

 

 

If she breaks up with you, why are you not taking this girl seriously?

 

If you don't hear her and leave the situation alone, if you keep asking questions, and wondering where you are going wrong there - it is because you are not taking her words seriously. If she is giving you mixed signals, that is what they are. If she breaks up with you - dude, she broke up with you.

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I re read the post and I totally get and understand this. It is so hard and difficult. I've been there.

 

But if she broke up with you 5 or 6 times, after the first time - you are just bringing it on yourself.

 

Take yourself (and her) seriously.

 

People do not speak just to hear the words ricochet.

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Zi, the two most common causes of mood changes are hormone change and drug abuse. Given that your GF is neither pregnant nor a drug abuser, it seems unlikely they are a source of her instability. I therefore agree with RedHead and ExPat that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes -- BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and BP (Bipolar Disorder) -- warrant serious consideration.

 

Yes, she might be bipolar. That is not what you seem to be describing here, however. Instead, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, black-white thinking, verbal abuse, anger issues, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I'm not saying that your GF exhibits full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I mention this because a person exhibiting "enormous mood swings" -- as you say -- is emotionally unstable. Significantly, of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control one's own emotions.

 

If she is a BPDer, that cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is to be expected. This is why BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

If your GF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she has a great fear of abandonment -- which is one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. This fear typically is manifested in behavior as an irrational jealousy. BPDers mistakenly see abandonment threats where they don't even exist -- e.g., your looking at another woman for a second instead of a half-second. My BPDer exW, for example, would fear abandonment whenever I was walking two steps in front of her on a narrow sidewalk (presumably because she misinterpreted it to mean I was ashamed to be seen close to her in public).

 

I would just like to add here that I went through an ending much like this with my ex. I knew the relationship had taken a wrong turn somewhere. I did not want to be with him, but I had tried out a new birth control drug that had my hormones up in smoooke. I was so confused for a while and it was difficult. After I got off the new birthcontrol drug, it took a few months to get my senses back, and I flat cold wanted out.

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Thank you very much for your response.

As much as I feel pain concerning this entire situation, I have got to run away from this relationship. I'm just really sad that I've waisted three years of my life with a person who didn't even loved me. I guees physical appearance is just another optical illusion (mask) of what is actually inside a person heart and soul.

I've misjudged her completely. I've misjudged the entire situation. I really thought previously that her father is the only obstacle in our relationship, but now I see that the problem lies within her. I know you guys think I'm looser for staying in this toxic relationship tolerating her behavior and the constant break ups for this long. Every other decent guy will probably dumbed her much earlier and never look back.

She took advantage of my good soul and knowing that I love her, she thought that she could dump me and get back with me whenever she wants. She thought that I'm not capable of finding another girl like her.

I just wish that you'll never ever get a chance to have a relationship with this type of a girl. Oh God NO!

She'll suck out everything from you. You'll be emotionally exhausted and you'll end up empty handed with a broken heart.

I know that it's going to be hard to move on with my life.

Can you guys suggest some recovery tactics from toxic relationship?

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ExpatInItaly

OP, the best thing I can recommend is to cut this girl out of your life. Seriously.

 

When my BPD ex and I finally ended, I too was in your position: emotionally exhausted and beaten-down, defeated and very hurt. I know very well how you feel right now.

 

My recovery was slow, but I realized I had to go complete No Contact. There really is no other option in cases like these. I know it's hard, because you become used to them wanting you back, but you simply must end this cycle yourself.

 

And then, consider therapy. Yes, really. I needed time to figure out why I had let that go on as long as I did, and how to heal from the emotional abuse. It really helps. I wish you luck in your recovery, I know it's not easy.

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Downtown,

 

Thank you so much for your in depth elaboration concerning my issue. I've managed to review the list of BPD disorder traits, and I've practically recognized my ex gf in every single trait. Wow! Thank you so much for opening my eyes. Even though she offended me and dumped me several times, I feel sorry for her :(.... But I can't help her at all. A relationship with BP girl will never going to work, no matter how hard I try. I've already lost my mother... I really can't fix other people emotional disorders right now. I need stability, and with my ex all I've got was a DRAMA and STORM.

 

Zi, the two most common causes of mood changes are hormone change and drug abuse. Given that your GF is neither pregnant nor a drug abuser, it seems unlikely they are a source of her instability. I therefore, agree with RedHead and ExPat that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes -- BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and BP (Bipolar Disorder) -- warrant serious consideration.

 

Yes, she might be bipolar. That is not what you seem to be describing here, however. Instead, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, black-white thinking, verbal abuse, anger issues, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

I'm not saying that your GF exhibits full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I mention this because a person exhibiting "enormous mood swings" -- as you say -- is emotionally unstable. Significantly, of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control one's own emotions.

 

If she is a BPDer, that cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is to be expected. This is why BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

If your GF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she has a great fear of abandonment -- which is one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. This fear typically is manifested in behavior as an irrational jealousy. BPDers mistakenly see abandonment threats where they don't even exist -- e.g., your looking at another woman for a second instead of a half-second. My BPDer exW, for example, would fear abandonment whenever I was walking two steps in front of her on a narrow sidewalk (presumably because she misinterpreted it to mean I was ashamed to be seen close to her in public).

 

I agree with Been (post #2) that "You're in a toxic relationship." Importantly, this toxicity is not something SHE is doing to you. Rather, it is something you BOTH are doing to each other. Her contributions to the toxicity (e.g., her verbal abuse and mood flips) are easy to see.

 

Your contributions, however, are more difficult to see because your goal of helping her and loving her is so well intended. Yet, by enabling her to continue behaving like a spoiled brat -- and GET AWAY WITH IT -- you are harming her. The harm occurs because you are protecting her from the logical consequences of her own bad behavior. In that way, you are destroying any incentives she might have to confront her own issues and learn how to control them.

 

Zi, if you've been dating a BPDer for three years, that is exactly how you should be feeling. The abused partners of BPDers usually feel like they are walking on eggshells to avoid triggering another senseless argument. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

If your GF is a BPDer, you are always walking on eggshells because any little thing has the potential to trigger her rage episodes. The reason is that a BPDer has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do or say a thing to CREATE the anger. You only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger that is always there below the surface. This is why a BPDer can burst into a temper tantrum in only a few seconds. And this is why another one of the 9 defining symptoms is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger."

 

"Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats" is another one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. If you are interested, Zi, you will find the complete list of BPD symptoms at 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

Frequent lying and manipulation is a symptom for narcissism (NPD), not BPD. Yet, if she really does exhibit strong BPD traits, there is a good chance she also exhibits NPD traits too. A recent American study found that a third of the women having full-blown BPD also exhibited full-blown NPD as well. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

Although the cause of BPD has not yet been determined, the current prevailing belief is that it comes from one of the parents -- through inherited genes and/or emotional abuse by that parent during early childhood. If this is true, and if your GF is a BPDer, you already have a good idea as to which side of her family the problem came from.

 

Zi, I agree with all of the other respondents that you should enjoy your 2-week hike and remain NC when you return. It's time to move on. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot when they occur, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both BPD and bipolar. An easy place to start reading is my list of 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. It is largely based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells -- as I suspect it will -- I would suggest you also take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Zi.

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I know you guys think I'm loser for staying in this toxic relationship tolerating her behavior and the constant break ups for this long.
No, if your GF is a BPDer, you are not a "loser" for staying so long. Walking away from a BPDer is very difficult and painful to do. One reason is that it feels like you're walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. Because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old, she usually exhibits the warmth, passion, and purity of expressions that otherwise are only seen in young children.

 

A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning. This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the American DSM-5, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy.

 

A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. Our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). We therefore are strongly attracted to a child-like woman who can project her vulnerability across a crowded room.

 

A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate.

 

Can you guys suggest some recovery tactics from toxic relationship?
As everyone has already advised you, it is important to remain NC so you can heal. I also suggest you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and read Leaving a Partner with BPD. Both are professionally written articles at BPDfamily. Another good article is Pain of Breaking Up at the Psychology Today website.

 

Most likely, Zi, you will do fine in your recovery. Yet, if you do get seriously depressed or feel strongly tempted to take your exGF back, I would recommend you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

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Hi. Downtown's posts are very relevant.

 

I have also just come out of a relationship like the one you're describing. You must leave it as she'll never change, and you'll just become more and more worn out. It's going to be hard, but in the long run you'll see that it was for the best.

 

Good luck - you can message me if you want to talk.

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No, if your GF is a BPDer, you are not a "loser" for staying so long. Walking away from a BPDer is very difficult and painful to do. One reason is that it feels like you're walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. Because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old, she usually exhibits the warmth, passion, and purity of expressions that otherwise are only seen in young children.

 

A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning. This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the American DSM-5, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy.

 

A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. Our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). We therefore are strongly attracted to a child-like woman who can project her vulnerability across a crowded room.

 

A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate.

 

As everyone has already advised you, it is important to remain NC so you can heal. I also suggest you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and read Leaving a Partner with BPD. Both are professionally written articles at BPDfamily. Another good article is Pain of Breaking Up at the Psychology Today website.

 

Most likely, Zi, you will do fine in your recovery. Yet, if you do get seriously depressed or feel strongly tempted to take your exGF back, I would recommend you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

Downtown,

 

Thank you so much for your advice. It really made me sad when I red the part you wrote: '4 year sick child who dearly loves you' :(((( My heart is falling apart right now... Even though I might still have feelings for her (which is normal after 3 years) you're basically saying that, according to your experience with your exW, it absolutely impossible to be with BPD person? I believe she inhereted this disease from her crazy father, who has really bad temper issues, flips out in a second, abusive, alcoholic, jealous. Overall, total looniebird.

Cause before we broke up, we've actually planned to live together and eventually get married. But as you've mentioned in your previous posts (excellent explanation though) that it's quite difficult to be with a BPD person, especially on a long run. I believe its absolutely impossible. Because you will either die from heart attack on 30, or you'll will most likely loose your mind and became nuts. I'm pretty sure that you've also had a rough time with your exW. How did you cope with situation after leaving her? Did she cried and made drama when you told her that you should split? Did you went all NC with her instantly?

 

Thank you

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The problem with being in a relationship with someone who is so emotionally stunted is that you don't have an adult/adult relationship. You really end up with a parent/child relationship. It's exhausting to raise children and it's harder to essentially raise a child in an adult body. You can never meet all their needs. It's a bottomless pit.

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The problem with being in a relationship with someone who is so emotionally stunted is that you don't have an adult/adult relationship. You really end up with a parent/child relationship. It's exhausting to raise children and it's harder to essentially raise a child in an adult body. You can never meet all their needs. It's a bottomless pit.

 

Dear Readhead14,

 

Thank you very much for your response and involvement regarding my issue. You're absolutely right about the adult/adult comparasion. These two days, I've done a lot of reading about BPD relationship, specifically on how to break up with them for good. When I broke up with my ex, I've told her: do not contact me anymore, ever, we're done for good. She told me: I will give you a call in month to talk again??? She did't listen anything I've said obviously. But I was so precise and deadly firm that this is the last time we ever spoke to each other.

I've deleted all social media profiles, I've blocked her phone number and email address. In other words, I've cut off all contact with her. I'm not planning to get back with her EVER again. I need some time to myself. Maybe I'll see therapist as well.

To get back on my major concern regarding the break up. I'm pretty scared about my safety right now. I do not know whether she'll try to do something stupid or stock me whenever I go. She was possesive as hell when we dated. What do you suggest should I do now?

 

Thank you

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You're basically saying that, according to your experience with your exW, it absolutely impossible to be with BPD person?
No, Zi. I'm saying that WE ALL are BPDers to some degree. The nine behavioral traits are basic ego defenses that we all need to survive. At normal levels, then, they are extremely helpful -- which is why we all have these symptoms and thus are able to spot them easily in other people. At strong levels, however, these behaviors undermine a person's ability to sustain a close long-term relationship. Hence, the stronger your GF's BPD traits are, the more difficult she will be to live with.

 

Keep in mind that it is common for healthy adults to occasionally get a flareup of their BPD traits, pushing that behavior to a strong level temporarily. The most common cause of such flareups is drug abuse or a strong hormone change (as occurs during puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, and perimenopause). Hence, what distinguishes the "BPDers" from the rest of us is that their BPD traits are both strong and persistent.

 

I believe she inhereted this disease from her crazy father, who has really bad temper issues, flips out in a second, abusive, alcoholic, jealous. Overall, total looniebird.
Again, you are describing the behavioral symptoms for BPD, not for "crazy." The term "crazy" normally refers to someone who is psychotic, i.e., has lost touch with physical reality. Such a person may believe, for example, that the TV news announcer is speaking to him personally. In contrast, a BPDer typically sees physical reality just fine. What is distorted -- by the BPDer's intense feelings and black-white thinking -- is her perception of your intentions and motivations.

 

How did you cope with situation after leaving her? Did she cried and made drama when you told her that you should split? Did you went all NC with her instantly?
No, I did nearly everything wrong because I had no idea of what I was dealing with. Although I took my exW to six different psychologists in weekly sessions for 15 years, none of them would tell me the name of her disorder. The last psychologist -- whom my exW went to for 5 years -- would only say "I don't believe labels are useful" every time I asked her what was wrong with my exW. At my very last meeting with her, she grudgingly conceded that my exW "has a thought disorder" but would say nothing more.

 

I have since learned that it is common knowledge, both inside and outside the psychiatric community, that psychologists generally are loath to tell their high-functioning BPDer clients -- much less tell their abused spouses -- the name of this disorder. If you're interested, I discuss the several reasons that this information is routinely withheld in my post at Loath to Diagnose.

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No, Zi. I'm saying that WE ALL are BPDers to some degree. The nine behavioral traits are basic ego defenses that we all need to survive. At normal levels, then, they are extremely helpful -- which is why we all have these symptoms and thus are able to spot them easily in other people. At strong levels, however, these behaviors undermine a person's ability to sustain a close long-term relationship. Hence, the stronger your GF's BPD traits are, the more difficult she will be to live with.

 

Keep in mind that it is common for healthy adults to occasionally get a flareup of their BPD traits, pushing that behavior to a strong level temporarily. The most common cause of such flareups is drug abuse or a strong hormone change (as occurs during puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, and perimenopause). Hence, what distinguishes the "BPDers" from the rest of us is that their BPD traits are both strong and persistent.

 

Again, you are describing the behavioral symptoms for BPD, not for "crazy." The term "crazy" normally refers to someone who is psychotic, i.e., has lost touch with physical reality. Such a person may believe, for example, that the TV news announcer is speaking to him personally. In contrast, a BPDer typically sees physical reality just fine. What is distorted -- by the BPDer's intense feelings and black-white thinking -- is her perception of your intentions and motivations.

 

No, I did nearly everything wrong because I had no idea of what I was dealing with. Although I took my exW to six different psychologists in weekly sessions for 15 years, none of them would tell me the name of her disorder. The last psychologist -- whom my exW went to for 5 years -- would only say "I don't believe labels are useful" every time I asked her what was wrong with my exW. At my very last meeting with her, she grudgingly conceded that my exW "has a thought disorder" but would say nothing more.

 

I have since learned that it is common knowledge, both inside and outside the psychiatric community, that psychologists generally are loath to tell their high-functioning BPDer clients -- much less tell their abused spouses -- the name of this disorder. If you're interested, I discuss the several reasons that this information is routinely withheld in my post at Loath to Diagnose.

 

Downtown,

 

Thank's again for your beautiful answer. I just have one last question for you Sir. As I've mentioned above, as much as I feel sorry for breaking up with my ex (her last words: I'll be lost without you. You are my world) I simply cannot get back together with her ever, cause she made me an extremely nervous and stressful person. I've gave her everything I've got (LOT of attention, love, friendship, comfort etc) and it seems it's still not enough. I feel like I'm 100 years old. However, my major question is the following. Since she is pretty unstable as a person, I'm kind of a worried about my safety right now. I have deleted my social media profiles, and I have blocked her number and email. It was pretty hard for me to do this after 3 years of relationship, but it's for the best. No contact at all its the best decision. Hence, do you have any suggestions on what should I do next in order to feel secure? Her father has a weapon which he bought illegialy. I don't feel safe at all. I just want her to understand that I'm out of this relationship for good. Would the NO CONTACT rule be enough for her to understand that I do not want to be with her anymore?

 

Thank you

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I'm sorry to hear what happened. Basically the pain outweighed any pleasure in this relationship. That is a good reason to end a relationship. She sounds quite out of control and has messed you about often enough. Whatever the reason for her behaviour - if it is a mental illness or personality disorder - this relationship was hurting you. You can find someone more loving and stable.

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Do you have any suggestions on what should I do next in order to feel secure? Her father has a weapon which he bought illegally. I don't feel safe at all. I just want her to understand that I'm out of this relationship for good. Would the NO CONTACT rule be enough for her to understand that I do not want to be with her anymore?
Zi, most high functioning BPDers do not shoot their ex-partners. But you are wise to remain NC and to take any reasonable actions you can to minimize the risk, e.g., changing the door lock and securing windows. If you unexpectedly encounter her around town and cannot avoid her, the standard advice is to become a "gray rock." That is, become an object so boring and dull that she will lose interest. This means you reveal no strong feelings whatsoever. Instead of arguing with her, you give her vague responses like "Hmm, I'll have to give that some thought" or "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way."

 

Nobody can accurately predict the actions of an emotionally unstable person. Moreover, as I noted earlier, I don't know how strong your exGF's BPD symptoms are because I've never met the young lady. You are the best judge of how strong those symptoms are because you're likely the only person who has seen all of them.

 

Of course, if you find her stalking your home or office, you should contact the police and obtain a restraining order. But keep in mind that a R/O is worthless if she were to have an emotional breakdown and start behaving completely irrational. Similarly, if she threatens suicide in your presence or in a message, call the police and let them handle it.

 

Unstable people are unpredictable. Hence, I never could have imagined that my 15-year marriage would end with my beloved wife calling the police and having me arrested on a bogus charge. Nor could I have imagined that, on getting released from jail 3 days later, I would find that she had obtained a restraining order preventing me from returning to my own home for the next 18 months.

"Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. This means you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD. It therefore is a good sign that, so far, your exGF has not physically assaulted you.

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trustyourself

Hey Zi,

 

I am recovering from a similar relationship, but have not had the pleasure or the strength to not take her back.

 

We broke up 3 or 4 times over 18 months. She would be really mean during the breakups, but would always come back eventually, telling me she missed me, that she thinks about me all the time. That she wants a future.

 

I fell for it every time. They can be very convincing, because it is what they truly believe at the time.

 

But I now know that anything they say cannot be trusted. I am a shell of who I used to be. Shot confidence, questioning every action, lack of trust.

 

The final time she left me. Blamed it on her parents dissaproval amongst other things, but she had just found someone shiny and new, and painted me black because I was making her confront her own shortcomings.

 

All I can hope is that she is finally done with me, but if she does get back in touch, I hope that I had the strength you had to say no.

 

Look after yourself man. Being with someone who has issues whatever they may be, is life altering. But we can only hope we come out stronger for it.

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Hey Zi,

 

I am recovering from a similar relationship, but have not had the pleasure or the strength to not take her back.

 

We broke up 3 or 4 times over 18 months. She would be really mean during the breakups, but would always come back eventually, telling me she missed me, that she thinks about me all the time. That she wants a future.

 

I fell for it every time. They can be very convincing, because it is what they truly believe at the time.

 

But I now know that anything they say cannot be trusted. I am a shell of who I used to be. Shot confidence, questioning every action, lack of trust.

 

The final time she left me. Blamed it on her parents dissaproval amongst other things, but she had just found someone shiny and new, and painted me black because I was making her confront her own shortcomings.

 

All I can hope is that she is finally done with me, but if she does get back in touch, I hope that I had the strength you had to say no.

 

Look after yourself man. Being with someone who has issues whatever they may be, is life altering. But we can only hope we come out stronger for it.

 

Hi Trustyourself,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. We're in the same boat It's so God damn hard. Or to be more precise, I have left that sinking boat for good. I'm on a safe ground finally. I will just point some nightmare periods when my ex initiate to break up with me along with her awful attitude and mean character.

1. (September - 2016) She wanted to break up with me in the most painful period in my life (when my mother was on chemo). When my mother fell into a comma, she was bombading me with messages, that we should broke up, that she is not happy etc. Three days later, she will call to talk to me, and everytime we ended up me convincing her that I truly love her and that we should not break up.

2. (October - 2016) A month after my mother died, she wanted to break up with me again. Her conversations were full with rage, anger, frustration, and it was always my fault.

3. (December - 2016) Same pattern

4. (March&April - 2017)Same pattern

5. (August-2017) As I've explained im my previous post, she made a drama for me going out for a drink with a friend. She texted me the next morning: I do not want to continue my life with you. I'm unhappy with you. Having in mind that in order to find a suitable apartment, I have sold my old apartment fast for 10.000$ less so I can buy another one in a better neighborhood. I have made million combinations and plans in my head, after this serious step, she texts me: let's break up AGAIN. A normal person would not do that.

 

In that moment, I've had it. Guess what happened three days later???

But this time it was over man. I went to her place to get my stuff, she was crying her eyes out and screaming not to leave her. I've took my stuff and took off. I have deleted my social media profiles and blocked her on each communication channel. No contact at all.

I have been a doormat, and maybe a lot of people would judge me because of that, and do you know what I have found out man? She doesn't give a rats ass about me. I loved her truly. She didn't loved me at all. She only wanted attention, drama, manipulation, break up and make up.

For these three years with her, all I've got is a lot of stress and anxiety. I'm not the same person anymore.

My advice to you will be: Do not get back together with your gf ever! These girls are mean and only want attention. There is no stability nor future in a such a relationship.They don't love you they, don't care about you. It just feels like everything you do is not enough. I'm pretty sure you're a young individual with a lot of plans for your future. Turn around and observe the world. There are millions of young and intelligent girls in this world who would appreciate all the things we've done for our ex-girlfriends. Normal and adult girls who know what they want and who will give you an unconditional love and happiness.

I do not believe that I would enter in a new romantic relationship any time soon. I feel exhausted and drained. I need time for my self.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share my experience with you and to let you know where actually 'break and make up' takes you.

Think about it once again and do whatever makes you happy! That's the most important thing

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