He broke up with me after a year out of the blue?

[Cam1]

My boyfriend of almost a year just broke up with me, and I didn't see it coming. I thought coming here might help me process.

 

We did have our disagreements, but everyone does, and they were minor. It was long distance, we saw each other once a month, and he's made a point of being here for important recent milestones in my life (grad school graduation, my half marathon), and he just went on holiday with my entire family at the beginning of July.

I've known him literally my entire life (it's a very long story), and we became friends a couple years ago when I lived in the area. And then last summer while I was back in town, something changed, and last September he asked me to be his girlfriend.

We're at the point where I've been wanting to move back to the area (within an hour), because distance can't go on forever. I've been mentioning this occasionally since April, and every time he would freak ouT. So I stopped talking about it. A couple weeks ago, I got a interview for a job in his city, and I did tell him that. He seemed okay with it at the time.

 

Monday night he called me like he does every night. There's a 3 hour time difference, so it was 11:30 for him. We went from completely normal, talking about groceries and what he had for lunch, to me asking, "Hey, something important--what's the game plan for us?" And his response was, mid conversation, "I think we should take a break or break up." I asked if he had reasoning for this. He said no, quote, "There's millions of people out there, and I don't have any dating experience. I want to date other girls."

He went on a pubcrawl with friends Saturday night, and called me on the way home drunk and everything was fine, but I can't help but wonder if he did meet someone, or thinks he could meet someone.

He told me he's out of vacation time. But conversely, last week on the phone he was talking about coming out for the weekend after my birthday, and inviting me back there for labor day.

 

By the end of the phone call, he told me, "You're my best friend. I talk to you more than anyone." Which makes sense why you'd throw your best friend away, right?

He asked if he could still text me on my birthday.

Then he continued with, "If you're ever in town, let me know and we'll get dinner. And I don't care if you move back here. Do what's best for you." I told him,"I'm going to go. I don't think there's anything left to say. I love you, (insert his name), Goodbye."

 

About 10-15 minutes later, I get a text from him: "This is the single hardest thing I've ever done. I'm crying so much right now...Goodnight (my name), I will always love you." I don't understand why text me, after getting off the phone to break up with me, because 1. It was obvious he was crying ON THE PHONE, and 2. Why tell me goodnight? Not goodbye, GOODNIGHT?

 

He hasn't had a relationship since high school until we got together. He lost his virginity with me. Other than that, he's had a couple handfuls of dates.

I'm still just as confused as I was. On facebook, I can see he's been online, but he hasn't changed our relationship status. He's the one who pushed for the relationship official on facebook to begin with--why wouldn't he have taken it down by now?

 

To top it all off, he did this 2 weeks before my birthday, and less than a month before what would have been our one year anniversary. We're 26 (well in a couple weeks ).

Can anyone shed light or ideas on this please?

Edited August 10, 2017 by Cam1

[ExpatInItaly]

I think there was at least one sign that this break-up wasn't totally out of the blue, and that was him freaking out any time you mentioned moving back to the area where he is. That wasn't a good omen; what did he say exactly when you brought this up?

 

I also get the sense that perhaps you knew something didn't feel quite right. You went from talking about groceries to asking him what the plan was for you two. Did you have an inkling he was distancing himself a bit?

 

Try not to read to much into him using "goodnight" instead of "goodbye" in his last text, or not yet changing his relationship status on FB. He might just not be ready for the barrage of questions that are sure to follow when he indicates he's single again.

 

At the end of the day, if he wants to date other girls and isn't ready to commit, he's done you a huge favour ending this. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it's far better to be single than with a guy who is wanting to explore other options!

[Cam1]

I think there was at least one sign that this break-up wasn't totally out of the blue, and that was him freaking out any time you mentioned moving back to the area where he is. That wasn't a good omen; what did he say exactly when you brought this up?

I also get the sense that perhaps you knew something didn't feel quite right. You went from talking about groceries to asking him what the plan was for you two. Did you have an inkling he was distancing himself a bit?

 

He would say things initially like, "It's so soon" (which granted in April, maybe it was, but I have family in the area, the job market is better for my career and there was a grad program I wanted to apply to). And things like "What if we break up, i'll feel responsible." Nothing that made me think if I didn't just back off and leave it alone for awhile he'd be okay.

 

He wasn't distancing himself, not that I felt. However I knew we needed to talk about what the plan is, because I've been avoiding talking about it (see above point), and it needed to be talked about. Additionally, I'm expecting a job offer from the company in his city, this week. On Saturday on the phone, he casually asked me how the interview with them had went. I told him it went okay (it was a skype interview), and i then was invited for the final round of interviews (via phone). I told him I didn't plan on taking it (learned some things during the last interview I wasn't a fan of), but it still had to be in his mind I was going to hear this week.

[avvril3000]

As stated above, freaking out about you moving to the same town is a red flag. either way, at the end of the day he wants to date other people and you cant change that. You also dont wanna fight for someone who doesnt see the value in your relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

He would say things initially like, "It's so soon" (which granted in April, maybe it was, but I have family in the area, the job market is better for my career and there was a grad program I wanted to apply to). And things like "What if we break up, i'll feel responsible." Nothing that made me think if I didn't just back off and leave it alone for awhile he'd be okay.

 

This was a bad sign. I can understand him not wanting to rush things, but I don't get the impression that he was the only reason you wanted to move there. It's also not as though you were asking to live with him. Heck, you said the area you wanted to go was within an hour from him, so there still would have been plenty of space.

 

He was fine keeping things at a distance but evidently didn't want you getting any closer. You were not on the same page about the future of this relationship, in the end.

[Cam1]

This was a bad sign. I can understand him not wanting to rush things, but I don't get the impression that he was the only reason you wanted to move there. It's also not as though you were asking to live with him. Heck, you said the area you wanted to go was within an hour from him, so there still would have been plenty of space.

 

He was fine keeping things at a distance but evidently didn't want you getting any closer. You were not on the same page about the future of this relationship, in the end.

 

Yes, I was planning to be about an hour away. I own a property an hour's drive from him, from the last time I lived there, and it's kind of reached the "sell it or live in it" point. So it made sense. It's a bigger city than where I currently am, with a lower cost of living, more jobs and better career prospects for me and what I currently do. So I wouldn't have seen him more than once or twice a week, anyways.

[preraph]

I'm sorry. He cares about you because he's known you forever, and he no doubt feels guilty. But the truth is he was already flirting with or pursuing or dating other girls. Long distance relationships are just not that real to most men. They are interested in and thinking about what is in front of them. Why he freaked out once you started saying you were moving to his city is because he's been perfectly happy having you long distance while also having the freedom to see other women. So to him, that was probably ideal, while it wasn't enough for you because you were being loyal.

 

And what he said was at least honest. He's young and he hasn't gotten to explore much unencumbered. That's what younger people do before they get tired of it.

 

This is just the time when people outgrow each other, and I think he at least thought he ought to tell you the truth of it because he knows you so well. He probably knows you well enough to know how hurt you are and that's why he cried and also because he will miss you too, but he wants his freedom more.

 

 

You do need to follow his advice and just do what's best for you, move wherever you want to live. I would say be where you have the most supportive friends during this time and also where you can settle down and have employment that you want.

 

I know it will take you a while to get over this. But don't let yourself become reclusive after a couple of weeks. Make yourself go out and have fun with friends without letting them talk about this and just not focus on him when out doing things. And when you're at home, do stuff that makes you laugh, and also get exercise so the stress doesn't mess you up. Good luck.

 

There's more guys out there.

[Cam1]

I'm sorry. He cares about you because he's known you forever, and he no doubt feels guilty. But the truth is he was already flirting with or pursuing or dating other girls. Long distance relationships are just not that real to most men.

 

There's more guys out there.

 

I would say I believe this, but I got cheated on in college and developed what I can only describe as a 6th sense for cheaters. I never felt doubts with this guy. He's not on tinder (I know this for a fact), I've never seen a female name pop up on his phone screen while we're out and about together, and in the last few months, the amount of going out to bars with his best buds has sharply decreased. He works in a highly male dominated industry. So I don't know where he'd be finding the women.

 

The only weird thing is something he's always done, but he's doing it very frequently these days--he will go read in coffee shops until midnight or 1 am, a couple weeknights a week. He's a huge bookworm though.

[diddilybop]

after reading the story, i saw several red flags - the main one being that he freaked out every time you mentioned moving closer to him. i give him props for telling you that he isn't ready to commit and wants to explore what dating is all about rather than stringing you along. he cares about you because he told you the truth on where he was at. i'm sorry that this happened and that you're feeling hurt. however, with time, you'll get over this. go out with friends, start a new hobby or rekindle an old one. after a devastating break-up, i started taking dance classes and making art again. it really helped.

[Cam1]

i give him props for telling you that he isn't ready to commit and wants to explore what dating is all about rather than stringing you along.

If this is the case then, why did he ask me to be exclusive with him? I was surprised when he asked last fall. I was seeing a local guy too at the time, and never expected him to ask me to be his girlfriend. If he knew he needed to go play the field, why try to make it exclusive?

[diddilybop]

If this is the case then, why did he ask me to be exclusive with him? I was surprised when he asked last fall. I was seeing a local guy too at the time, and never expected him to ask me to be his girlfriend. If he knew he needed to go play the field, why try to make it exclusive?

 

it could be because he changed his mind. exclusivity may have been what he wanted at first but as things were growing more and more between you two, he got freaked out and realized he's not interested in an exclusive relationship anymore. hence, why he broke up with you and told you he wants play the field. i can't know what's going on his mind for sure and speak for him but seems to me that he realized freedom is more important to him right now.

 

as preraph mentioned, there are more guys out there.

[preraph]

I would say I believe this, but I got cheated on in college and developed what I can only describe as a 6th sense for cheaters. I never felt doubts with this guy. He's not on tinder (I know this for a fact), I've never seen a female name pop up on his phone screen while we're out and about together, and in the last few months, the amount of going out to bars with his best buds has sharply decreased. He works in a highly male dominated industry. So I don't know where he'd be finding the women.

 

The only weird thing is something he's always done, but he's doing it very frequently these days--he will go read in coffee shops until midnight or 1 am, a couple weeknights a week. He's a huge bookworm though.

 

It's hard to know what they're doing though when you never see them in person and see their shift eyes, their guilty look and body language. Whether he actually had sex or dated or not, he freaked out knowing you might be coming because he had something going on. He might not be out just chasing girls, but he's had enough freedom to know he wants to keep it going, unfortunately for you.

[Cam1]

Ihe freaked out knowing you might be coming because he had something going on. He might not be out just chasing girls, but he's had enough freedom to know he wants to keep it going, unfortunately for you.

 

This makes more sense than I would like. Even if there weren't other girls, the freedom of not having me within a 50 mile radius was better than having someone you love there.

The intimacy comment makes sense too--during the dumping phone call now I remember a comment along the lines of "this has gotten so intimate, and close". I'm pretty sure that's how relationships are suppose to be, over time?

 

If anyone knows anything about attachment theory, he's very much an "avoidant" and I'm more of an "anxious" who has worked to become much more secure.

 

This is going to make it hard for me to trust men again though. It makes me feel like someone can take your time, and then turn on you at any moment and just decide they don't want you anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is going to make it hard for me to trust men again though. It makes me feel like someone can take your time, and then turn on you at any moment and just decide they don't want you anymore.

 

That's not exactly what happened though, based on his previous balking at you moving any closer. That should have raised some warning flags for you. The good thing here is that you now know you have to trust yourself when something doesn't feel right. You didn't feel great about him freaking out when you mentioned moving back, and for good reason!

 

As for developing a 6th sense for cheaters, well, they're much more clever than we think! My long-term, live-in partner cheated for at least a couple months before I caught on. He too worked in a male-dominated industry, and this was the days before Tinder or any such app. As for a woman's name not popping up in his phone? Not a problem, he had programmed her number under a man's name. And it was indeed one of the very few female coworkers he had.

 

Your guy might not have hooked up with anyone else, but I explain the above to indicate that there are plenty of ways for someone who cheats to do so and get away with it. This is particularly true for long-distance couples, for obvious reasons.

 

At the end of the day, he changed his mind about exclusivity. And yes, that hurts, but it's far better than being strung along. Has he met someone else? Possibly. That's not a given, but it would certainly explain his "freak outs" about you getting within an hour of him. That was fishy, and it would certainly not be the first time I've seen a man panic because his two worlds are about to collide and the girlfriend discovered he's got someone else locally. Maybe he has been behaving less honorably than he should have in general, and knows he can't keep up the appearance of a devoted boyfriend with you actually there. Or, maybe he really did just realize he wants to be free and the very real prospect of you moving there underlined the fact that he was committed when he wasn't really ready for it.

[Cam1]

To add insult to injury: This afternoon, I got offered the job I had just finished interviewing for in his city. I figured I wouldn't get it, and if I did, I wouldn't take it. But the salary offer is very good, and much higher than I speculated it would be--better than what I make here. I live in a small town with a high cost of living and small job market, vs. his is a large city with a lower cost of living and better job market and movement. So now I'm a mess.

 

My nuclear family are here, but I'll never be able to buy a home here, and the grad programs I'm considering reapplying to aren't here and I wouldn't be able to get the experience needed to get admission to if I stay here.

 

My extended family are back there, and I have a place to live. Additionally, there are practitioners who would let me shadow and get the experience I need if I wanted to apply again, and there are programs back there. But I will be completely alone, and friendless.

 

It's a city of 290,000 people, but I know with my luck I will run into him at some point, because we have some of the same hobbies (another good reason to throw your girlfriend away!). Or it will be in the rock climbing gym or in a bar downtown, with a girl probably. The last thing I want to do is walk into our favorite deli on a Saturday afternoon and run into him there.

[Cam1]

anyone have any input on that last post? im really conflicted now?

[ExpatInItaly]

Firstly, congrats on the job offer!

 

Secondly, go ahead and take it. It sounds like a very good opportunity for many reasons. Don't sweat running into him yet. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

I grew up in a small town (28 000) and had the pleasure of sometimes running into my ex, his family and his friends. There's not a lot you can do but put on a brave face in the moment, smile and say hello if necessary, and then exit stage left. Cry into your pillow later. And the next time, it's not so bad. It gets easier as you get used to being apart.

 

Given that his city isn't all that small, I don't think you'd run into him as frequently as you fear. And again, don't let that deter you from taking this great job prospect.

[anna121]

If the job will help you in your long-term plans, and you don't think another one will come along in the next month or so, I'd take it on the assumption that you will get over him eventually and the short-term of moving to his town will be outweighed by the long-term gain to your career.

 

BUT, I think you need to go into immediate NC with him. Meaning:delete all his contacts and don't advise him of your decision.

 

290K is not exactly a metropolis, but certainly big enough to permit you to develop your own social life. I doubt you'd run into him very often. I'm in a slightly bigger city, but the residential area is about that size. I live a mile or two from someone I really don't want to to see, and I am frequently in their neighborhood for stuff. I've seen this person exactly once in three years - and literally on my way out of a Starbucks. A two-second encounter.

[kfey]

After a breakup several years ago, I lived in the same city as my ex for nearly two years. It's smaller than yours (about 230k not including the burbs) and post-breakup, I was steadfastly NC and did not see her once. Zero times. We lived nearby each other for a while post-breakup even. I did not actively try to avoid her by not going certain places even.

[trustyourself]

Honestly, you never know when you are going to bump in to someone.

 

My ex dumped me (again) 5 weeks ago.

 

We live in the Bay Area in California. Millions of people. Guess who I bumped in to on Friday night? She was on a date with some dude. We just looked at eachother as she walked past.

 

3 minutes later I get a text. "I'm Sorry"

 

It was incredibly hard. But in a sick kind of way, it was the ultimate closure.

 

Keep your chin up. Take the job if it will help your career.

 

The odds of bumping in to him are low, but sometimes fate is cruel.

[Cam1]

Update : I didn't take the job. While the pay is better, it's NOT quite enough to justify the move and an hour commute each way. It would set me at a deficit. I LOVE the area, and wouldn't rule it out for a better job that I wanted in the future, but today was not the day, to leave my support system while I'm grieving a loss, and go sit in isolation for the first few months in a city that reminds me of him everywhere.

 

Additionally: He didn't change anything on fb. It still said "X is in a relationship with Y", and all of our photos and his posts were up, like nothing happened. Despite the fact he's been online every day.

On Tuesday I went in and changed my status to "single" which broke the tie. I also made private or removed from my timeline all posts of him/our relationship.

Then, the day after I do this, on Wednesday afternoon, he finally changed his relationship status to single. But left up all the pictures of me, posts, etc.

 

I figured that was that. Then that night...I started getting facebook notifications: His sister in law, who I'm friends with on there, went in that night and liked several of my old facebook posts (that have nothing to do with him)....the posts were a month or so old. The only way you'd see them is going to my page. Does anyone else think that's really weird?

Edited August 18, 2017 by Cam1

[Zahara]

I figured that was that. Then that night...I started getting facebook notifications: His sister in law, who I'm friends with on there, went in that night and liked several of my old facebook posts (that have nothing to do with him)....the posts were a month or so old. The only way you'd see them is going to my page. Does anyone else think that's really weird?

 

There's nothing weird about it. She probably saw the changes on your page and his about the ending and out of curiosity started browsing your profile.

 

You need to stop reading into these mundane things. It would be better for you to unsubscribe to people that know him because you're going to analyze things to death. And that is because you are hopeful. It will help in your healing process.

[Cam1]

There's nothing weird about it. She probably saw the changes on your page and his about the ending and out of curiosity started browsing your profile.

 

Facebook no longer notifies anyone, or puts it in your news feed, when you change to single. Only when you change to "in a relationship with xyz". So there's no way of knowing unless you specifically go to the person's profile, looking.

[Zahara]

Facebook no longer notifies anyone, or puts it in your news feed, when you change to single. Only when you change to "in a relationship with xyz". So there's no way of knowing unless you specifically go to the person's profile, looking.

 

It doesn't matter. She probably found out you two were broken up as he may have told them when he changed his FB status and she was just curious and browsed through your profile.

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn't matter. She probably found out you two were broken up as he may have told them when he changed his FB status and she was just curious and browsed through your profile.

 

That's what I was thinking too.

 

Either way, I don't think a sister-in-law browsing and liking things in your profile means anything, OP.