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A last chance to salvage respect..


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 31st August 2017, 1:58 PM   #46
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leave her alone

Leave this girl alone. Let her experience dating. You have no respect for her. Grow up.
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Old 31st August 2017, 4:16 PM   #47
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No contact WILL work miracles. I was in a really, really terrible spot about 4 years ago after a hellacious breakup and yeah, I did the same thing with incredibly cringe-worthy things I said and the way I basically begged for her to come back. I won't even read the posts I made here 4 years ago because I'd probably want to punch myself in the face.

I thought even if the relationship was over, I would never be able to live my life without at least somehow finding a way to become friends.

No contact, even though it will be hard, is really everything it's cracked up to be. I read the posts here about how the pain becomes less severe, and the constant ruminating starts to fade, and I didn't believe it for a second because I was in a state of constant anxiety, depression, and rumination.

It's not going to go away tomorrow. Or the day after. Or probably in the next month. It's different for everyone, but for me, the process truly didn't start until 100% pure no-contact. And then it took a month or so to feel even a little better, and it incrementally started to change.

I honestly don't even remember a clear timeline on when I stopped ruminating or when things really started to feel great. It's not like it happens in the movies where one day someone just wakes up or meets someone else and it's all over. Some days are better than others.

There's a very small part, that even today, still hurts just a little bit. But it's way different. It's more of a quick fleeting pain that I'm able to just feel and then it's gone and I'm off and running with whatever else I'm doing.

Last summer, after almost 3 years of no contact, she texted me. The guy she left me for had physically and probably emotionally abused her, and she asked for my help. I put her in contact with organizations like Tubman that could help her out and listened to whatever she needed to get off her chest. This included apologies about how she was so sorry she had left me and it was a terrible decision.

And about that last part...I felt absolutely, 100%, nothing. Not even one small part of me wanted her back. But even more than that...I didn't even feel at all vindicated by it. I simply just didn't care about that stuff anymore. I helped her out the way I would help anyone out that's getting abused and hope that stops and she breaks up with him and moves on with her life. But that's all.

And I could have never imagined that the summer we broke up. It felt like my life was over. It wasn't, all the best was still yet to come. I just had to put in the time and will to move forward.

You're going to be OK if you do what's hard right now. You will move further past this than you can imagine or that you think is fathomable right now. It's actually possibly not even something you'll look back on and think it was something bad that happened to you. I'm more grateful for every day and the people in my life and everything I have than I had ever been before going through that.

Stay strong. Even if you're a pathetic, mopey piece of **** today the way I was at the time and don't want to do it for yourself now...do it for your future self. You will appreciate it one day when things start to get better.

Last edited by mikejensen3355; 31st August 2017 at 4:34 PM..
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Old 5th September 2017, 11:52 AM   #48
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Mike, that really helped, thank you.. I'm staying strong at no contact, It helps but it also comes with these waves of uncertainty. I appreciate you amping me up to stay strong, I will for that reason. Sometimes it hits me after a bad dream or after not being productive enough, I wont be in her future. It hurts, i'm sure many of you know this feeling. I hate it.

Today has been so hard, I just miss her. I had some weird hope that at one point she'd tell me she does love me.. It's a bad thought and i'm glad i'm realizing now.. She wont be telling me that ever. How do I stop these thoughts?
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Old 13th September 2017, 12:48 PM   #49
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I don't know who will see this but I've been having some really rough days randomly.. Been having these bad thoughts on contacting her.. I know I can't but knowing she sent
"I miss you, I know you wont be responding but I do miss you."
Its been about a month since she sent that..
I sometimes wish I had said something.. or asked her on a dinner date.. I dunno I just want someone to talk some sense into me... Feeling lonely with my story.
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Old 13th September 2017, 3:15 PM   #50
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Coming out of a relationship is a huge adjustment chemicall. your brain has to get used to not having oxytocin or something. think of it like detoxing from a drug.
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Old 13th September 2017, 8:28 PM   #51
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It's just a breadcrumb, and it sucks.

She's lonely. That's all. Nothing good will come out of you responding to her text or reaching out in general.

You have finally found your self respect. You've worked so hard to find it, please don't lose it now.

These feelings of longing will pass eventually.

Hang in there!

*Edited to add: I'm in a similar boat as you. My ex sent me an email 2 weeks ago saying that he REALLY wants to be friends with me. REALLY, REALLY BAD! Because apparently I "singlehandedly changed his life." He also wanted to meet later that week.

I didn't respond. It made me sad reading it, but I had already told him good bye and never to contact me again.

There was no acknowledgement of the pain he put me through with his alcohol fueled rages...and his cowardly way of blame shifting and dumping me.

He's just lonely. And words mean sh*t.

Last edited by 1fish2fish; 13th September 2017 at 8:34 PM.. Reason: Adding more
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Old 18th September 2017, 6:51 AM   #52
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Thank you 1fish2fish, I read this days ago, sorry for no reply but I certainly took your advice and i've been quiet..You really helped by telling me to hang in. I am pushing through it. Hearing your story helps too, are you doing well with no contact? Breadcrumbs really mess with me.. I have an update as of last night again..
She sent me
"Hi."
three minutes later she said,
"**** sorry sorry sorry."

I wish she would actually send something of meaning.. Does anyone have insight on why she chooses these short ,"Hi" messages. She played it off as a mistake. Every time I get a text and I don't reply I feel sad for while but I'm trying to focus on my goal of getting over everything before I speak with her.. I do feel better, right now, not so much..

I found her sunglasses.. Sometimes I think about sending a picture of them to her when i'm feeling stable and asking how I could get them back to her.. Try and make it light hearted and funny.. I dunno. Thanks again..

Last edited by Growing_Changing; 18th September 2017 at 6:56 AM..
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Old 18th September 2017, 11:58 AM   #53
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She's trying to alleviate her guilt. If you were to respond to her, you'd be giving her all your power again - the power to hurt you.

By responding to her, you are opening the door to communication again which will tell her that you're okay with how she treated you and how she handled the break up.
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Old 18th September 2017, 1:37 PM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1fish2fish View Post
She's trying to alleviate her guilt. If you were to respond to her, you'd be giving her all your power again - the power to hurt you.

By responding to her, you are opening the door to communication again which will tell her that you're okay with how she treated you and how she handled the break up.
You're right!! I have to remember that.. It may feel good for a second but that would pass right after she responds... No telling what she might say but I'm willing to bet its just fishing for me to crack.. I almost did. Thank you 1fish2fish, seriously!
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Old 18th September 2017, 2:04 PM   #55
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The fact you were able to not reply..and then say its been over a month since she had messaged just seems incredible to me. Good job.

I'm 24 hours into NC myself. Was not replying to any breadcrumbs a decision you made from the start, or something you started to think about after X amount of time?

Thats proof that time does help things I suppose
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Old 18th September 2017, 2:46 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by CamelBoy View Post
The fact you were able to not reply..and then say its been over a month since she had messaged just seems incredible to me. Good job.

I'm 24 hours into NC myself. Was not replying to any breadcrumbs a decision you made from the start, or something you started to think about after X amount of time?

Thats proof that time does help things I suppose
Hey CamelBoy, No contact was the last thing I had friend, the decision was made after talking to all the amazing people on this thread. If you go back you'll see it was a struggle.. Luckily I had these people to push me forward. I'm here if it ever gets hard, and it will. It's important to remember no matter what is said, only time can help build your self respect back. The person that you're not with now loved that aspect about you anyways.. Its a win win, its just really hard when you have bad days..
This last one she sent me has been one of the worst.. Yesterday I had seen pictures of her on my computer and I stomached the pain to see if I could bare seeing her face after months... Then she texted me that night.. Super hard. Treat No contact like quitting a drug.
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Old 18th September 2017, 3:06 PM   #57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CamelBoy View Post
The fact you were able to not reply..and then say its been over a month since she had messaged just seems incredible to me. Good job.

I'm 24 hours into NC myself. Was not replying to any breadcrumbs a decision you made from the start, or something you started to think about after X amount of time?

Thats proof that time does help things I suppose

All you need to do is to take some time and read through some of the threads here where dumpees responded to breadcrumbs and find just 1 example where it helped the dumpee move on quicker.
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Old 18th September 2017, 3:16 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by Growing_Changing View Post
Hey CamelBoy, No contact was the last thing I had friend, the decision was made after talking to all the amazing people on this thread. If you go back you'll see it was a struggle.. Luckily I had these people to push me forward. I'm here if it ever gets hard, and it will. It's important to remember no matter what is said, only time can help build your self respect back. The person that you're not with now loved that aspect about you anyways.. Its a win win, its just really hard when you have bad days..
This last one she sent me has been one of the worst.. Yesterday I had seen pictures of her on my computer and I stomached the pain to see if I could bare seeing her face after months... Then she texted me that night.. Super hard. Treat No contact like quitting a drug.
Thank you for your advice.

My one is only someone I dated 2 months, so not as tough as yours. However, I finished a 4 year relationship earlier in the year and found that quite a breeze.. we both did. Maybe that shows a lot about how the circumstances can be what bring us down?

Anyway I just wanted to say that I really do admire what you've done... just making it to 2 days seems like I've already done enough 'No contact'.. and so to see what you have done is quite inspiring. So if you even feel a weak moment, just know theres people in the earlier stages of this process admiring exactly what you have done and how it would be a shame to un-do all that effort and pain you have been through.
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Old 26th September 2017, 10:34 AM   #59
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I'm Freaking out randomly
I'm suddenly extremely tore up over her, Please help..I sound like a broken record.. It hurts so much that I wont be talking to her again.. I just wish she'd change her mind.

I just moved into a new home, i've made my presence on my social medias alive again, I workout all the time and I constantly remind myself of what I learned from everything thats happened.. But what happens when I slip a little? I didn't workout for two days due to poor planning and the house move and now everything caught up to me.. I feel so lonely and sad since last night.

When I went to pick up my things I never opened some of the bags she had left out until I moved in two days ago.. In the bottom of one she had put the picture frames and pictures I got her for christmas.. She discarded me so hard and all I can think about is "how the hell did this happen, we loved each other so much, what the hell can I do?!" She did this before I went no contact and after she told me over the phone she no longer loved me.

I'm venting on here because I have no one else to vent.. I feel so empty, I miss her so much.. damn it people, healing really isn't linear.
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Old 26th September 2017, 10:40 AM   #60
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(((hugs!))) I am so sorry you're in so much pain.

I'm sure that was a pathetic attempt on her part to garner a reaction out of you since you didn't respond to her breadcrumbs. It's really sad that she chose such a hurtful way to do that.

I have no advice for an easy fix to your pain - only know that you're not alone.

Keep doing what you're doing to distract yourself but also let yourself feel the pain. The only way out is through. You've been here before and survived, and you can do it again.

I wish time would hurry up. Hang in there, my friend.
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