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A last chance to salvage respect..


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 7th August 2017, 4:04 PM   #1
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A last chance to salvage respect..

First and foremost, thanks to anyone reading.. I've been on this site for about a month now, reading other threads in search of answers on how to deal with my breakup. I'd like to explain my situation because I have no where else to turn..

This is my first time posting, I'm a 25 year old male out of a 2 year relationship.
I have a job that has me working 12 to 14 hours daily...The break up bomb all happened the final days of June, a little over a month. We had talked about getting married, having children, she seemed so solid on the idea of it all. The break happened over the course of 4 days, We lived together..

**The Break**
The break up wasn't clean, I begged, I lost so much ground and respect over the 4 days, she would say things like,"You're pushing me further away".."Think of it as a break", I ended up listening and leaving her be. 3 days pass and I was watching her social media at a far.. I ended up seeing pictures of her and a crew of new friends on the 4th (guys included). I felt my heart sink.. knowing she could be out having the best time while I hadn't consumed food in a week.. I wrote her a final text outlining, "I agree with everything you said, I promise it won't happen again, i'd like no contact with you in the coming months, or ever. This is final, best of luck with everything." I then proceeded to commence with no contact, I blocked her on all fronts. I had taken the advice from my dad..

**The Apology**
After that hard month I freaked out and broke, I couldn't imagine my life without talking to her again.. So I sent, "I regret being so harsh, I hope you're doing well if you ever want to chat let me know!"... She responds three days later, I call, She accepted, the conversation went south quick, she was livid I had sent that previous text. I talked her down and told her I was just happy to hear my friend. I asked if she'd want to go to lunch, she was silent so I said,"no worries, no rush"..We had a productive 35 minute conversation about how she made the right decision that ended with me saying I had to go. She cried and said a lot of "I loved' you" and "you 'were' the first love of my life" At the end of the conversation she said maybe we could do lunch next week..

**The Confession**
Two days later I realized I wasn't okay with all of it.. I broke down and called her, I vented about how I still love her.. She didn't reciprocate anything. I got mad, told her I was going on a date.. regret it all. Long story short, the hour long conversation didn't do anything besides drop my respect even lower on her scale.. I asked her if she still loved me.. She said she did not. I asked all the questions I should have left to silence. Half way through the conversation it got oddly sexual and she was debating me coming over to have sex. Then it just went back to being bad, she said things like, "if it helps to hate me or date someone new, you should". She doesn't care anymore and it completely destroys me inside..

**The issue now**
I've been concentrating on work, I workout everyday, I'm really trying at being better for myself..
She has texted me yesterday about picking up my last things this week..I told her I was "busy" but I can come by Saturday at 10am. She said that was fine, it was so casual..I hate how we can't talk like we used to.. now I don't know how to compose myself, she'll probably just leave my things outside..... At this point I just want to go over there tonight, tell her to leave my things outside, and leave..But I still wish to see her.. My mind and heart want two separate things.

.... I lost all respect, I have no idea how to salvage anything, how do I gain some sort of ground?.. Is there anyway to have her look back at the relationship in a positive light? Do I even have a chance for her to miss me ever? I feel so lost, I love her so much and it deeply depresses me knowing she'll never see me the way she did for two years... I'm tired of acting okay to her face but I know if I don't she'll never see me in a good light.
Thanks again, any help on any topic would be greatly appreciated, I'm lonely and messed up inside..

Last edited by Growing_Changing; 7th August 2017 at 4:09 PM..
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Old 7th August 2017, 4:22 PM   #2
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First off, cut yourself a break. Most of us have done or did the exact same things you have when we were your age. Don't beat yourself up too much.

Now comes the hard part:

The only way you will gain any kind of foothold or build respect is to vanish. Completely. Time has a way of forgetting the past. I know you have tried to go no contact, and have failed a time or two, and we all have but what we all learned is that no matter how painful it is to ride the roller coaster you have to do it.

I'm not one of those hardcore NC types around here, but in your case it has to be done to give you some self respect back.

The break up was extremely fast. What's the backstory to give us a little more to work with?
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Old 7th August 2017, 4:38 PM   #3
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We've all been there. Trust me when I tell you the following :
You have to disappear from her life. And you have to block her from yours as well. Every time yo beg her you push her further away and you just confirm to her she made the right decision.
I know your hurt and lost. It sucks no two ways about it. But your going to have to right yourself. And the only way to do that is to cut all ties with her. If your stuff is that important LEAVE IT at her house.
And after that do not talk to her in any way. For ANYTHING.
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Old 7th August 2017, 4:39 PM   #4
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I meant if the things at her place are NOT that important leave them.
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Old 7th August 2017, 5:12 PM   #5
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frigginlost and Been, thank you so much..

you all are right.. I'm ready to go completely No contact. I sent her a text today about Saturday but I'm starting to think I should just never show and never reply.. I'm just going to leave my winter clothes and art supplies... She won't consider that extremely rude over time? I said I'd come at 10am on Saturday..
People say blocking the number is the only way.. Should I block her number?

As for back story.. We met in the party scene, drugs, alcohol in Georgia. After 6 months I grew tired of it and wanted to have a clean relationship. She agreed but continued to do drugs, it scared me so much. One night it got really bad and I asked her to never do it again or I wouldn't be able to stick around any longer. We moved to Florida within two months. No drugs, we cleansed everything, we even quit cigarettes. We had been through jealousy issues and trust issues due to her doing this before..We lived in Florida and she ended things after a year in, sent me back to Georgia without a word or conversation. I went back to Georgia and started fresh and promised the world to her. We made up, and she moved back to Georgia, I got a huge job, she transferred. Things were good, for months and months. She would even tell other people how much things have fixed since the situation in Florida. She did everything around the house while I was lazy after getting home, one of my biggest regrets. She would tell me to leave the laundry because she liked doing it.. Most importantly it was the blowups that stemmed from jealousy and I would be sad when she'd show no emotion when I was barely able to catch my breath from crying.. I really regret crying.. I wish I hadn't of shown so much weakness...

One thing thats huge, She has a friend I truly disliked because she slammed my best friend's head into a wall for no reason besides being drunk. I was honest with my ex that I didn't like her and I'm sure it eventually got back to her from my ex. I in no means want to be back with my ex as of now, but I for sure want to know I made the right decision in case our feelings mend over years... I know she loved me.. She told me how much she wanted to be with me forever just a week before it all happened. Now its completely hollow and I pray the soul of our relationship is positive, floating somewhere for the future..
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Old 7th August 2017, 6:43 PM   #6
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Now is that a logical person-tellin you that they want to be with you forever and then ending it next week? Shes hot and cold and there wasn't ever going to be any stability in your relationship.
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Old 7th August 2017, 7:19 PM   #7
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Make sure you don't waste this experience. Learn from it and be better in the future.

You now know several things diminish relationships. Weakness, in general. Being inconsiderate around the house.

Grow from this. Be strong. Aware. Considerate. Conscientious. Let this be a launching pad to takes you to you next level of development. Where more lessons await.

Always learn. Always grow. Always improve.
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Old 7th August 2017, 8:57 PM   #8
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I don't think you've done anything wrong, just acted in a way that most people would when going through the shock of an unwanted break-up. Best thing to do now is no contact. She won't value you as long as she thinks you are hanging around trying to make it better.

It sounds like there were issues beforehand. You don't mention who suffered from jealousy but if it was you, you obviously did not feel very secure in this relationship anyway.

All that aside, it is a painful situation and you need to view the relationship as over. There is little point meeting her; it will only hurt you. Learn what you can from what happened. You sound a good guy who will find someone better once you are over this woman.
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Old 8th August 2017, 8:56 AM   #9
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Thank you for helping Been, MidKnightDreams, and Spiderowl I really appreciate the words.

All this advice is exactly what I needed. I went and picked my things up last night, I told her to set them outside.. She texted me afterwards and I didn't reply. She said,"Know you're always in my heart"... I think its unfair to say this after telling me she no longer loves me.. It hurt but it also kind of helps me accept I won't be speaking to her again.

I'm going to change for the best after these comments, its time to acknowledge my mistakes and shortcomings.. Even if she won't..
The next relationship is going to be different in the best ways because of all this. Thanks again everyone.
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Last edited by Growing_Changing; 8th August 2017 at 9:04 AM..
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Old 8th August 2017, 11:00 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Growing_Changing View Post
Thank you for helping Been, MidKnightDreams, and Spiderowl I really appreciate the words.

All this advice is exactly what I needed. I went and picked my things up last night, I told her to set them outside.. She texted me afterwards and I didn't reply. She said,"Know you're always in my heart"... I think its unfair to say this after telling me she no longer loves me.. It hurt but it also kind of helps me accept I won't be speaking to her again.

I'm going to change for the best after these comments, its time to acknowledge my mistakes and shortcomings.. Even if she won't..
The next relationship is going to be different in the best ways because of all this. Thanks again everyone.
Good move. Congratulations, you just took some power back and earned a little respect from her.

I'm not gonna lie, things are going to get very, very, hard for you. You have broken NC with her in the past and she is fully aware of that. She will expect you to contact her. The only way that you will gain a foothold of control and force her to respect you is to stay silent. It is going to go against every fiber of your being to stay quiet, but you have to.

No, she is not going to forget about you. In fact, the more you stay silent and the more you move forward, the more she is going to wonder where her emotional play toy went. You will continue to become stronger and one day you're going to think "who cares" and right about that time, she is going to reach out...

If she does before that time, come to these boards and start asking questions because it's going to screw with your head. As time passes, only the good times you guys had are going to fill your head (and her's) and that is when big mistakes are made.
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Old 9th August 2017, 12:38 AM   #11
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They will reach out at some point and let me be the first to tell you:don't do it. They will resort back to the same behaviour at some point.
I learned a long time ago to judge someone by their actions not what they say.
Anyone can tell you the greatest things but do they back it up?
I will tell you a story so you don't go backwards.
I got back with an ex after she promised everything. Things would be different. She NOW knows how much I meant to her during are time apart. So I went against my gut and took her back.
And the whole time I could feel her lying. It lasted about 2 months before she started the hot and cold. Only difference this time was I didn't wait for her to drop me-i left. But it was a complete waste of time. DONT be that person.
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Old 9th August 2017, 9:27 AM   #12
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Frigginlost
Thank you, that comment is really going to resonate with me.
I have no desire to speak with her.. I am worried for hard times but I'm feeling more ready after failing the first NC time. Does No contact mean no contact forever, or until i'm completely over her? I can tell i'm ready because when I see a picture of her I host negative feelings, naturally...I'm really thankful I found this community, SO much love. I will be around here for support and I hope once i've healed, I can help, like you all helped me.

Been
Thank you, I wont be taking her back.. This whole thing has been the worst emotional trust draining situation.. I want to grow old with someone patient and considerate. I want to do the same for that person. I can see that with your situation how exhausting that would be.. I'm sorry brother, good job on being the bigger one to split the second time.

How do you all get notified after a post? Can you tag people that replied? Does it notify you?
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Old 9th August 2017, 11:17 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Growing_Changing View Post
Frigginlost
Thank you, that comment is really going to resonate with me.
I have no desire to speak with her.. I am worried for hard times but I'm feeling more ready after failing the first NC time. Does No contact mean no contact forever, or until i'm completely over her? I can tell i'm ready because when I see a picture of her I host negative feelings, naturally...I'm really thankful I found this community, SO much love. I will be around here for support and I hope once i've healed, I can help, like you all helped me.

Been
Thank you, I wont be taking her back.. This whole thing has been the worst emotional trust draining situation.. I want to grow old with someone patient and considerate. I want to do the same for that person. I can see that with your situation how exhausting that would be.. I'm sorry brother, good job on being the bigger one to split the second time.

How do you all get notified after a post? Can you tag people that replied? Does it notify you?
The hard times will hit, and when they hit, they hit hard. The thing you must remember is that no matter how hard they hit, you must stay silent. Silence is your best friend right now. It's the only way you can re-build your self esteem and regain respect.

No, NC is not necessarily forever. It is used to get you to a point of indifference. It is only at that point that it is wise to talk with an ex. But, usually by then you have no wants at all to even say hello. What you need to keep in mind is that most (not all) of the time, breakups work opposite in healing. While you are doing all the broken hearted legwork and feeling the pain right now, it will not hit her until 6 months or a year from now. In her mind she knows you're at her finger tips. Just a quick text away. When she realizes that that short distance is no longer there, that is when they reach out. But, by then the dumpee does not really give two craps about it...
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Old 9th August 2017, 2:33 PM   #14
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Thanks for breaking it down for me, it makes sense. One thing, what if she calls or texts way before a 6 month period? what if next week she says some lame line about missing me... I know no contact applies, but I know she'll eventually get extremely mad I never replied after she says sorry or something and choose to hate me instead of looking in on herself.. I guess thats part of it? or is it?
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Old 9th August 2017, 3:15 PM   #15
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She's done and I'm sure it's been hard for her having to be so blunt with you over and over to get you to move on, but then she probably knew that about you before the breakup. You can't DO anything to salvage anything at this point because she's as done as a person can be. You need to not do anything. Have her set your stuff out or mail it to you or have someone else go pick it up. I'm certain she doesn't want to have to deal with you coming to get it.

Then with any luck, years from now she will be able to at least appreciate the good times when she looks back on it, as we tend to gloss over a lot of the bad.
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