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Should I settle as friends for now with ex?


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Long story short.

 

This girl and I dated for half a year. We live in two different parts of the U.S so we took a break during the summer. We've kept in contact, speaking on the phone at least once a week. I'm thinking we're progressing towards a relationship, but then she tells me she thought we were progressing towards friendship. The whole thing is confusing so we end up fussing about it. Going back and forth about who said what. It didn't end well but we ended up talking again like normal. Here's the catch. There's this event that I paid for previously. She agreed prior to all of this but now just isn't sure. It's kind of a big decision because not only is she deciding on going, but most likely whether or not we should continue all of this. She says she doesn't know what she wants.

 

Every time I bring it up. Say that there's no obligation in coming for some reason adds more pressure to the whole situation. I'm trying to let her understand I have no expectations, I simply just want to see her. It's been the whole summer and I just want to see her face, her smile, her everything because texting and calling doesn't cut it.

 

So now I'm at a crossroads. Do I send this text? Saying I'll go as friends for this event? Am I friendzoning myself? Should I just wait until she gets back to me? With all the pressure that's been added, I just don't see it happening. Because so, I'm freaking out.

 

This is all messed up because we never actually "broke up" so I've been clinging onto this false hope. She's given me signals in both sides of the spectrum. I just need help.

 

In the meantime I'm moving on. I'm deleting all the pictures I have of us on my phone, and other stuff so I can prepare myself for the worse. I've fought this long and I'm starting to grow weary of it all. I feel like shes worth it. I love her. But holy smokes I'm losing my sanity.

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Gr8fuln2020

I'm sorry, but she is not looking for a LTR with you. She is vacillating b/c she is not sure how to end it w/o feeling guilty, is my guess. Whatever this event is, could you not find another friend to take instead? Or is it where she lives? How much money do you lose is you do not go?

 

The way I look at it, if you are going anyway, then go b/c YOU want to and not b/c you are trying to get this girl back. If you've already bought your plane tickets (not certain if you live 'that' far), then go and have fun. Find your hotel and have fun.

 

If I were you, I would find someone else to tag along, if possible, or go on your own. It would be awkward to take a girl that is not interested in what you want.

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rightondude

I don't think you're jeopardizing anything that's already not there by saying "we can go as friends." Who knows, maybe that will be what puts her at ease and agreeing to go. Maybe when she sees and spends time with you the fire will be reignited. If you have a strong feeling she won't go without you saying that, then I say do it. The alternative is you have an extra ticket and maybe can search for another date.

 

But what do I know? I am in a similar boat brother. Good luck.

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Yeah I bought everything because I was so sure that things would go my way. The whole trip was just about 450 dollars (including the plane ticket). I've never spent anything like that in my life.

 

We never had problems. We never really truly broke up. I just never had the chance to get closure. So I'm just left asking myself, if everything was so great, why can't we continue?

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She is not romantically interested in you and that will not change, so you need to just move on and date local. Anytime a woman works up the courage to be honest and say she only likes you as a friend, nothing you can do is going to change that. I'm sorry.

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OatsAndHall

One way or another, it sounds like you need to call it off with her, as much as it might hurt. To be blunt, I think you'll drive yourself up a wall if you go out there, whether you see her or not.

 

You seem to have some pretty intense feelings for her that aren't going to be reciprocated and that is just going to make you more miserable. It doesn't sound like you can emotionally detach yourself from her enough to have a platonic friendship so it may be time to abandon ship, for your own sanity. It'll hurt like hell, initially, but it's better than being unhappy and confused in the long run.

 

Just remember, a woman can't "friend-zone" a guy; they do it to on their own by not removing themselves from the situation.

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It's because she's said things like she loves me and misses me so idk what to make of that. At this point, I'm gonna be going with someone as a friend anyways. Might as well go for the one I want.

 

But my gut feeling is telling me. She's just waiting till she builds up enough courage to decline the offer.

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OatsAndHall
It's because she's said things like she loves me and misses me so idk what to make of that. At this point, I'm gonna be going with someone as a friend anyways. Might as well go for the one I want.

 

But my gut feeling is telling me. She's just waiting till she builds up enough courage to decline the offer.

 

Oh boy... No wonder you're so twisted up about this.. She's said she "loves you" but wants to "be friends"? That'd have me confused and torn up too.

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Not once but multiple times. And that I'm her first love, that she's never said that to anyone else. That I'm on her list of people that she will always care for.

 

I could go on lol

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OatsAndHall
Not once but multiple times. And that I'm her first love, that she's never said that to anyone else. That I'm on her list of people that she will always care for.

 

I could go on lol

 

I don't know, my friend... This just doesn't seem to have a happy ending one way or another.

 

I know that I could easily "friend-zone" myself if I were in your shoes. I was far less jaded in my youth and would be holding on to that glimmer of hope that she'd come around. But, the older, more cynical me would be saying "I don't want to deal with this anymore..".

 

My only advice is to weigh the pros and cons of how keeping in touch with her is going to affect you emotionally. I don't know much about your relationship with this gal but I do know that I would have hit my breaking point with this awhile back.

 

Take care.

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What you feel for her doesn't matter, what matters is how she feels about you. At this stage, she has lost all romantic feelings for you. Your relationship has run its course. Save your dignity and wish her the best and then prepare to meet the next girl who you will fall in love with all over again. That's life. Here is a video that address why it's a bad idea to try and remain friends with ex, you should watch it, I think it will help you:

 

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Gr8fuln2020

How old are you? Her?

 

Look, people tend to have a special place in their hearts for their 'first' loves. It is an emotionally hardwired feeling to have for the first person you fell in love with. Heck, I still remember the first girl I thought I was in love with...Desiree. Ah, those happy elementary days....:-)

 

Anyway, she is still affected by the residue of those strong feelings, but that will pass in time. She will move on as you will/should. That is why she is gushing with I love yous, etc. It's not real love combined with a rational anchor.

 

Go with your other friend. How is he/she paying for the plane ticket? OR go on your own and simply enjoy a little "me time" respite if you don't want to waste the money you've already spent.

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It's a concert of our favorite artist. He's like "our" artist. If I go by myself, it'd just hurt more. Having an empty seat would hurt more than help.

 

So now I have three options.

1. Wait it out

2. Tell her I'm willing to go as friends

3. Tell her I'd rather go with someone else

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Gr8fuln2020
It's a concert of our favorite artist. He's like "our" artist. If I go by myself, it'd just hurt more. Having an empty seat would hurt more than help.

 

So now I have three options.

1. Wait it out

2. Tell her I'm willing to go as friends

3. Tell her I'd rather go with someone else

 

Do you have a someone else? If not, you don't even have option 3. I know it's tough right now, but she is holding the cards as this ordeal torments you. You need to break free of this. What do you mean "wait it out?" This concert is coming soon, what do you mean?

 

If you are willing to, potentially, torture yourself even further, your only option seems to be #2. But you don't want to be friends. You have another option...lose your money and don't go. It's just money...right?

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I don't have someone else to go with. None of my guy friends are a fan of the artists and all the girls I know that i could take are going abroad for school before the concert. It's like the most unfortunate of events.

 

The concert is in 2 weeks. So when I say wait it out, I mean wait till she makes a decision.

 

I personally think she's leaning towards a no because her best friend's birthday is on the same day. So that doesn't help me.

 

Of course i dont want to be friends in the long run but really, I just want to see her and have her see me. Like if she sees me and that doesn't spark an interest, then I'd understand. We gave it a fair shot. But without actually seeing her, I'll just be left wondering what if? And I hate that.

 

Lol and it's 450 dollars. I'm going regardless.

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HarmonyDriven

Personally, I think she is stringing you along. Not in a mean way....but just the same.

 

I think you know deep down it is time to move on. With that said, I would not want to go with her because most likely it will feel awkward.....may not have a good time.

 

I would tell her you will make plans to take someone else. She might ask who?? No need to tell her, none of her business.

 

If you don't want to go alone or cannot find someone to go with you, is it possible to try and sell the tickets now? No doubt, you will lose money on airfare but this will not be the first or last time in your life money is wasted.

 

Would a family member go with you?

 

IMO, there is no point is having one more time to see her to see if there are any sparks left. She has already said she was moving toward friendship. If you cannot handle the friendship, which is totally understandable, you proceed with no contact.

 

Many people cannot just be friends with exes.....me included.

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This girl and I dated for half a year. We live in two different parts of the U.S so we took a break during the summer.

 

I'm thinking we're progressing towards a relationship, but then she tells me she thought we were progressing towards friendship.

 

This is all messed up because we never actually "broke up" so I've been clinging onto this false hope.

 

I'm a little confused. You've only been dating for six months, but are long distance? Have you guys even met in person yet? Were you guys even together to begin with? Regardless, it doesn't seem like she's that into you. And you don't want to be with someone who just has lukewarm feelings for you. How old are you guys?

 

I would sell the tickets to the event and get credit on the airfare. You seem like a decent guy. You can do a lot better than this girl.

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Don't pay attention to her words, pay attention to her actions. If she loved you, she'd be with you. I've had to learn that the hard way. If you're not interested in friendship, then you should cut it off because if you go along with it when you don't want to, that's communicating to her it's ok.

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I just want to give it another go. Just one last time.

 

It's my naive self speaking right now. I don't think I can live with the fact that I didn't at least try one last time. Just one last time. I'll move on eventually. But i think I have to try one last time. Summer is almost done. I've spent weeks thinking about this.

 

I just always believe nothing beautiful comes without a fight. I know i sound like an idiot. Believing my situation is different. But all of you had to learn the hard way Right? Right? This may just be my turn.

 

I just dont know.

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Not once but multiple times. And that I'm her first love, that she's never said that to anyone else. That I'm on her list of people that she will always care for.

 

I could go on lol

 

That's not a good thing, though. She does care about you, but she doesn't want to be with you anymore. She's just letting you know you weren't nothing to her, but she's done.

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I chose to let her know that I'll go as friends for the concert and I'm honestly fine with that too.

 

This is exactly what I said,

 

"The reason for my delayed response was because I took the entire day to reflect. I've thought it through and I'll go as your friend for the night. I just don't like seeing you like this. I don't want you to be stressed. Especially if I'm the one causing all of this. This is the last time I'm addressing the concert. And that's a promise I'll keep.

 

But more importantly, your well being is what matters to me the most. What you said to Jillian was very sweet and she's lucky to have you for support. Considering how things are with your family, if you ever want to laugh the night away and talk about the weirdest and dumbest things, know that I'll be here with open arms. I'm only here to make life easier for you. I only want to bring a smile to your face. And that's really all I've ever wanted to do."

 

It's something that came from the heart. A lot of people I'm her life have come and gone and one day I promised I wouldn't do the same. I just have this white knight mentality.

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At only 20 you should have gotten another girl to go with you.

 

Never be friends with an X. You'll understand when she starts dating.

 

But you'll live and learn.

 

Mistakes if you learn from them and don't repeat are great life lessons.

 

She's not interested in you but you don't want to believe it. Yet

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Okay so she got back to me and this is what she said,

 

"If you promise me we can be platonic then I will go. Because I do miss you and I love john Mayer. If I told you I was with someone new at the moment how would that be perceived though. Because if it isn't okay, then I shouldn't go."

 

I'd she actually with someone? Was she testing me to see if I freaked out, that I was incapable of going as friends? Is this guy just a rebound? Since she had been travelling for the whole month of June, she would have to have met this guy somewhere in July. That's not a long time to move on and start dating officially.

 

If this is just a summer fling, then i wouldn't care less. If this is a relationship then I'm done. I'm literally so done.

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Cookiesandough

You are so not done. You are so stuck on this girl that you are contemplating friendzoning yourself in an attempt to wedge yourself back into her BF slot. Think I said this in your other thread, but it's not happening. She just isn't into you, bro. Why's it matter if she's just hooking up with this guy or every guy she meets vs a relationship with him. It really does not, because either way, you will at most just be a friend to her. Horrible idea for a guy to agree to be a platonic friend with to an ex he still has feelings for like an girl agreeing to be the Fbuddy of an ex she still loves. If you want to never get them back, I'd recommend that. Just move on

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