Types of Breakups - Which is easier to get past?

[SevenCity]

I've been reading here for about a year and I started to notice some patterns. I'm seeing breakups tend to fall in one of these categories:

 

1) The dumper was a jerk / treated them badly or cheated during the RL / relationship was toxic / had emotional problems.

 

2) The dumper completely lost feelings / attraction for them and ended the RL.

 

3) Breakup was out of the blue - everything seemed fine / future was discussed until the person got dumped. Dumper still has feelings and doubt but given no real reason at all.

 

I've never experienced #1, but have 2 & 3.

 

Looking at things objectively, I would think that #1 would be the easiest to get over. After all you were treated badly by the person; after the initial shock you would feel better and realize you were not actually happy. However, in reading the stories these seem to be the hardest situation initially on posters though they do see the toxicity after a while and start to be thankful they are no longer in it. They also run the danger of being pulled back in though.

 

#2 seems to cause people to try to "win them back". It never works and eventually they move on. I think this is the most kind scenario to the dumpee as it makes things perfectly clear there is not chance for reconciliation (lest they try). Eventually they give up and move forward.

 

#3 (to me) is the toughest (and what I experienced for my last dumping). You are given no concrete reason as to why, you can tell the dumper still has feelings and is almost unsure. You struggle to get rid of the false hope but it lingers for a long time. I've seen many posts here still with the hope that one day they will reconcile even after a long period of time has passed.

 

So I'm curious - where did you fall and what are your thoughts? Is there another category? Can some of these be consolidated?

[Vanity1]

I've been reading here for about a year and I started to notice some patterns. I'm seeing breakups tend to fall in one of these categories:

 

1) The dumper was a jerk / treated them badly or cheated during the RL / relationship was toxic / had emotional problems.

 

2) The dumper completely lost feelings / attraction for them and ended the RL.

 

3) Breakup was out of the blue - everything seemed fine / future was discussed until the person got dumped. Dumper still has feelings and doubt but given no real reason at all.

 

I've never experienced #1, but have 2 & 3.

 

Looking at things objectively, I would think that #1 would be the easiest to get over. After all you were treated badly by the person; after the initial shock you would feel better and realize you were not actually happy. However, in reading the stories these seem to be the hardest situation initially on posters though they do see the toxicity after a while and start to be thankful they are no longer in it. They also run the danger of being pulled back in though.

 

#2 seems to cause people to try to "win them back". It never works and eventually they move on. I think this is the most kind scenario to the dumpee as it makes things perfectly clear there is not chance for reconciliation (lest they try). Eventually they give up and move forward.

 

#3 (to me) is the toughest (and what I experienced for my last dumping). You are given no concrete reason as to why, you can tell the dumper still has feelings and is almost unsure. You struggle to get rid of the false hope but it lingers for a long time. I've seen many posts here still with the hope that one day they will reconcile even after a long period of time has passed.

 

So I'm curious - where did you fall and what are your thoughts? Is there another category? Can some of these be consolidated?

 

Im the dumper because he was a jerk, had a chance to work things out chose not to.

 

Although I'm the dumper it hurts. It hurts whatever way. The easiest would be just falling out of love but no

[ExpatInItaly]

I have experienced #1 and #2.

 

In my case, #1 was much more difficult. It left deeper scars which I still carry today, and changed something inside me that hindered my ability to trust and be emotionally vulnerable with my partner.

 

#2 was a much longer, more significant relationship. I can reflect on the good memories we shared and acknowledge that while he was a lovely guy, we weren't right for each other in the end. There was no malicious intent and he respected me. #1...well, I can't say the same.

[trustyourself]

Number 1 is by far the hardest. The damage it does to your mental state being in such a relationship is the hardest thing to overcome. I honestly think it has changed who I am, and I will never be the same again. She fulfilled all 4 of the criteria you listed.

 

Yes, I realize now how toxic it was, but it is still the hardest most devastating turmoil I have ever had to deal with.

 

Funnily enough, number 3 is very common to see in a number 1 breakup. So you get the double whammy.

 

The last time she broke up with me, she still seemed so unsure..

 

But the common denominator in all of them is that they didn't want to be with you. When you are that emotionally invested in someone, and they leave you in any way, it is devastating to come to that realization that they don't feel that way about you.

 

So my opinion, I think all 3 are hard. It all depends on how emotionally invested you were..

[SammySammy]

The first is easiest for me. If I'm a little angry and don't care, then it's a lot easier to get over.

 

I might still care a little in the last two. So, they may be harder to get over.

[OatsAndHall]

The first is easiest for me. If I'm a little angry and don't care, then it's a lot easier to get over.

 

I might still care a little in the last two. So, they may be harder to get over.

 

I agree completely. It is easy for me to get over someone who screwed around me. It just shows me what kind of person they actually are and makes the transition smoother. I actually feel the same way about #3. I lose respect for someone who just disappears after an intimate relationship. Again, it shows me a lack of character and maturity. Alright, they want to break up, so be it. But be an adult and

 

The second scenario is hard for me to handle basically because it is when I am most likely to take it personally. The most difficult break up I have been through was a #2 situation. I had been seeing a woman for eight months and I thought everything was clicking along well. We had the same interests, sense of humor, and everything seemed to be clicking along well. She called it off out of the blue because she didn't think we have chemistry anymore. She said that she felt like we had fallen into a "slump". Basically, she was saying that our relationship was boring her. That stung.

 

But, at the end of the day, I have my fishing pole, the weight room, my books and my video games so I bounce back.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Number 1 is by far the easiest to get over. There is nothing to reminsce or miss.

 

I have never had no 3.

[SevenCity]

Very interesting responses - thank you for sharing.

 

I've never been in number 1 because that's when I've done the dumping. My attraction level seems to be directly related to how well the woman treats me. If she treats me poorly, I get turned off very quickly.

 

#2 was tough for me. This happened the most often of the times I was dumped. It was perplexing to comprehend how someone can just turn their feelings off. But, it drew a line in the sand that I could not cross. There was nothing left to salvage and although it crushed my ego it forced me to move on from that day.

 

But as mentioned, #3 was by far the worst. My ex told me she loved me and maybe we'll get back together and gave me a bj all on the day she moved out of my house for good. The rest of the time she was crying hysterically like on the floor. She even bought me my favorite cookies. WTF???. I thought for sure she would come back and it wasn't until almost a year later that I came to grips that she is not. I really didn't start feeling better until I came to that realization.

 

I found moving on is difficult when you are clinging to hope. It's much easier (long term) when it is final from the get go.

[todreaminblue]

i know it hurts whatever way ...any break is hard.....because even if you dont hurt personally breaking up with a person, you are hurting someones heart and only the coldest heart would not feel that hurt...

 

 

i feel...it hurts more when you hurt someone.....and then add more hurt to that if you dont hurt as much as you hurt another...

 

breaking up is serious any break physical or emotional is......thats why i wont believe in playing games with a break..as in a way to make a person change etc.......you make a break honest clean and as gentle as possible.....but always quick..and you dont go back....

 

even though i dont like being dumped...i would prefer to be a dumpee than dumper...as far as dumping someone i have a high pain thresh hold it would have to be a really severe circumstance for me to dump a guy who i was with and invested in...as in direct cruelty towards me or others for example or complete incompatability.......deb

[stockyoldfrump]

I think the most painful is #1, provided YOU are actually the person who did the hurting and regret it. It's hell to not only lose your relationship, but have to live with the fact that your choices were the reason things ended. Otherwise, I actually think #1 is easiest because anger is a far easier emotion to deal with than sadness. Sure, it sucks when someone betrays you, but it also pisses you off, and that anger can carry you through a lot of the hardships with a sense of purpose that you wouldn't otherwise have.

 

#2 is actually the hardest for me. There's no anger, no blame, it's just gone. And the worst part about it is that there's often less to learn from. If you mess up or if the other party messes up, there's usually a lot to unpack retroactively, so at least there's a sense of purpose during the post-breakup period. With 2, you just sort of have to sit in the fact that things "didn't work" for some vague, nebulous reason. It also makes you more paranoid moving forward because, unlike with #1, you didn't really see signs of catastrophe and actually felt somewhat secure and happy.

[SevenCity]

i know it hurts whatever way ...any break is hard.....because even if you dont hurt personally breaking up with a person, you are hurting someones heart and only the coldest heart would not feel that hurt...

 

 

i feel...it hurts more when you hurt someone.....and then add more hurt to that if you dont hurt as much as you hurt another...

 

breaking up is serious any break physical or emotional is......thats why i wont believe in playing games with a break..as in a way to make a person change etc.......you make a break honest clean and as gentle as possible.....but always quick..and you dont go back....

 

even though i dont like being dumped...i would prefer to be a dumpee than dumper...as far as dumping someone i have a high pain thresh hold it would have to be a really severe circumstance for me to dump a guy who i was with and invested in...as in direct cruelty towards me or others for example or complete incompatability.......deb

 

Perhaps I have a cold heart, but I was glad to dump some girls.

 

Granted, these were only a month or two long but I felt nothing but relief as they were terrible people.

[Blanco]

On the surface, #1 is the easiest to get over, but I'm not so sure about that. I've known people who were in toxic relationships, finally left them, and never went back. However, it would be incorrect to say that these relationships did not leave deeper, more lasting emotional marks.

 

Some of these people may talk about how they were glad to finally be out, but it's clear even years later that they still carry some related emotional baggage from the relationship. Sometimes, it's enough for them to unknowingly recreate similar romantic relationships with other people.

[ExpatInItaly]

[QUOTE=Blanco;7382812]On the surface, #1 is the easiest to get over, but I'm not so sure about that. I've known people who were in toxic relationships, finally left them, and never went back. However, it would be incorrect to say that these relationships did not leave deeper, more lasting emotional marks.

Some of these people may talk about how they were glad to finally be out, but it's clear even years later that they still carry some related emotional baggage from the relationship. Sometimes, it's enough for them to unknowingly recreate similar romantic relationships with other people.

 

Bingo.

 

I wish I had left a lot sooner. I think when you are in a truly toxic situation, it is not so easy to get over the fall-out. It's not so much about missing the ex him/herself, but about the emotional damage left behind. That is what is difficult to move past, and it's not as simple as "letting go" of the anger.

[Goodguy05]

I've experienced all 3 none were any easier then the other I felt.

[vickyp]

I'm going threw number #1. By far the hardest. I'm at the point where I'm look back at how toxic he was, and I'm angry at myself for allowing the name calling, and seeing the big red flags, that I ignored. Makes you question your value.

[doglover98]

Kinda feel like my breakup doesn't fall into any of those categories? My breakup was generally mutual, but he ended it in the end. We couldn't continue with the long distance and it eventually just developed a sort of distance between us. We were in different places in our lives, mentally and physically. Maybe this falls into category number 1? I'm not exactly sure

[divegrl]

I don't think there's any easy way to break up with someone. And in all break ups you have pain and heartache.

 

I can say #3 was especially painful for me. Everything was fine, or so I thought. And then he left with no explanation.

 

Our relationship was only 6 months. And 6 months later it still stings a bit!

[mousse]

I've experienced the three types and I can say that the third was the worst for me. My ex seemed to be really in love with me, but he left me out of the blue (he kinda fled out of fear I think), without any explanation. We were not together for a long time, but the feelings ran very deep and the love we shared was true.

 

It took me a few months to get over the toxic break up, 2 years to get over the guy who had fallen out of love, but 7 years to get over the sudden break up and even now, there are still some feelings that come back now and then, even though I'm mostly ok now. It was a traumatic break up to say the least.

[SevenCity]

Kinda feel like my breakup doesn't fall into any of those categories? My breakup was generally mutual, but he ended it in the end. We couldn't continue with the long distance and it eventually just developed a sort of distance between us. We were in different places in our lives, mentally and physically. Maybe this falls into category number 1? I'm not exactly sure

 

I would look at this as more mutual - though I've seen this one happen as well.

 

No science behind my list, just the patterns I've seen here and IRL.

 

How long did it take you to get past it?

[BC1980]

Number 3 was the hardest for me because I was taken off guard. So it took some time to reorient myself and accept it. Honestly, I had a really difficult time accepting that he felt the way he did. You can see that if you read some of my old threads. He also stayed around and pulled the "I still love you but can't be with you, and maybe we can try again in a few years." All of that made the entire breakup this unnecessary, drawn out thing that should have been a clean break from the start.

[doglover98]

I would look at this as more mutual - though I've seen this one happen as well.

 

No science behind my list, just the patterns I've seen here and IRL.

 

How long did it take you to get past it?

 

Right, I get that. Wanted to respond to see if anyone else saw it as possibly fitting into one of the three categories you posted. But I'm still getting past it. It's only been 2 months, but I think I've still got quite a ways to go. This was my first breakup so I can't really compare it to another type of breakup quite yet haha

[todreaminblue]

Perhaps I have a cold heart, but I was glad to dump some girls.

 

Granted, these were only a month or two long but I felt nothing but relief as they were terrible people.

 

i was talking about more permanent relationships as in actual bf gf .....not just dating and definitely exclusivity before break

[Micheley07]

It's funny that you bring up the three ways that people break up. It makes me think of a pattern that I may have with men. I was married for 12 years to a cheating verbally abusive man. I then (recent break up) moved on to an alcoholic. I was the dumper with both but it is because I had just had it with both of their problems. My most recent (alcoholic) boyfriend I moved me and my kids out two months ago. This one seems to really hurt because he was such a sweet guy, never raised his voice, and treated my kids well for four years. It's just that he had so many issues and problems and I realized I could not save or change him. I realized it's the most difficult to be the dumper when the person treats you good. My ex husband treated me like crap and so it was like freedom to leave him. My most recent boyfriend doesn't understand why I didn't give him more time to change. I think sometimes the pain is worse for me...he can drink away his feelings...I have to feel them. Anyway, great post and I enjoyed reading!!

[Kellens]

I've been reading here for about a year and I started to notice some patterns. I'm seeing breakups tend to fall in one of these categories:

 

1) The dumper was a jerk / treated them badly or cheated during the RL / relationship was toxic / had emotional problems.

 

2) The dumper completely lost feelings / attraction for them and ended the RL.

 

3) Breakup was out of the blue - everything seemed fine / future was discussed until the person got dumped. Dumper still has feelings and doubt but given no real reason at all.

 

I've never experienced #1, but have 2 & 3.

 

Looking at things objectively, I would think that #1 would be the easiest to get over. After all you were treated badly by the person; after the initial shock you would feel better and realize you were not actually happy. However, in reading the stories these seem to be the hardest situation initially on posters though they do see the toxicity after a while and start to be thankful they are no longer in it. They also run the danger of being pulled back in though.

 

#2 seems to cause people to try to "win them back". It never works and eventually they move on. I think this is the most kind scenario to the dumpee as it makes things perfectly clear there is not chance for reconciliation (lest they try). Eventually they give up and move forward.

 

#3 (to me) is the toughest (and what I experienced for my last dumping). You are given no concrete reason as to why, you can tell the dumper still has feelings and is almost unsure. You struggle to get rid of the false hope but it lingers for a long time. I've seen many posts here still with the hope that one day they will reconcile even after a long period of time has passed.

 

So I'm curious - where did you fall and what are your thoughts? Is there another category? Can some of these be consolidated?

 

My last break up was kind of a combination of 2&3. He came home one night and said he didn't think he loved me anymore.. he didn't say that he wanted to break up and I was completely thrown. We were together for 7 years. Although we had problems and not the best sex life, we always had a crazy emotional connection that I don't think I will ever have with anyone again.

 

The reason why it's a combo of 2&3 is because it came out of the blue and I found out that he had been seeing someone else that we both worked with and started cheating at some point during the last 2 months of our relationship. I hung on for about a month of psychological and emotional torture, kicked him out when I found out about the other chick but then begged him to come back when he convinced me that he didn't sleep with her, they just "hung out" . Another month of this and I found out for sure, and got him to admit, that he had sex with her and then we were finally done.

 

It was the most traumatizing experience of my life and it still haunts me from time to time. There is no worse feeling than being caught by surprise and hearing the words "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore" by someone that you loved and trusted more than anyone else. I had seen my friends go through break ups and I never realized how hard it could be. The experience definitely humbled me because I definitely made a fool out of myself for the month before we broke up, hoping that he would love me again.

 

My only other break-up, I was dumped but we had both fell out of love after being together for almost 6 years and he was the one who had the balls to end it first. I was really sad for about 2 weeks and then jumped into another relationship so I had no clue how bad it could really be.

 

I have also never experienced #1 thankfully.. I'm not sure if it would be easier since people in unhealthy relationships tend to get addicted to them so I'm sure the break up is just as intense.

[umirano]

Last one was a 2/3 mix. She always had sort of a mean streak, e.g. making a comment that was a little off, or uncalled for, but I chalked it up to some social quirkiness and I didn't usually take it personally. Then last summer we were on holiday together and she was mean, in my view without reason, for a whole day. After dinner I said I wanted to walk back by myself, I wanted some alone time. A big fight was the result, I think because she felt called out on her meanness. We smooth things over and spend a few perfect weeks together. Another month later she accuses me of cheating (completely baseless) and things deteriorate fast, as I didn't put up with it. It then sort of fizzles out as I didn't admit to any wrongdoing (not related to the alleged cheating, she dropped that eventually). I felt quite used as I was helping her with moving internationally, with paperwork, living arrangements, etc. I feel like she wanted to break up with me after the first big fight but didn't because she wanted my help. I only realized that later. Next time I'll jump ship when I get this sort of static.

 

Anyway, it wasn't a pure fizzling out (2) as future plans were made until about a week before the BU (3).

 

The BU from the relationship before that one was neither of the three types. I have (now) a lot of respect for that person. She broke up with me because she wasn't in a state to be in a relationship. She had a lot of economic/migratory and psychiatric problems. At one point she realized she needed to fix herself before being in a committed relationship and asked to break up. That takes some really big balls.

 

I never had #1, luckily. I agree, on the surface you'd expect to get over a type 1 BU the fastest, but I suspect it may hurt quite badly still.