Weird (?) Feelings Associated With Breaking NC

[parkerandball]

Hey, folks.

 

I've been lurking Loveshack since a pretty difficult breakup back in April/May, so I have to say first, thank you to everyone that posts here - I feel like I have had a built-in support group to help me get through these difficult times. I decided to finally make a username and post something as part of my healing, in part to share, and in part to help those who are currently in the same place I am.

 

Without getting into too many details, about a year back I was coming to a major crossroads in my relationship, in regards to whether I should stay or leave; as a couple, we had been through so much nonsense, and at that point, were wallowing in toxicity. If you're interested in hearing the backstory, it's been archived here:

 

[]

 

To make a long story short, everything posted at the link above didn't result in a breakup. Instead, under the (poor) advice of friends and family, I decided to level things up in the hope that more closeness between myself (35/M) and my ex (29/F) would act as a healing agent. See: We hopped back on the "let's work on it" train and decided to move in together that following Fall. While it wasn't a total disaster, we ended up having too many disagreements and arguments about things that I feel we shouldn't have been fighting over - money, being able to depend on each other as two people who were cohabiting, the splitting of household responsibilities, etc. It resulted in an even greater riff between us, and a greater build up of resentment being carried on my end.

 

Things came to a head at the end of April when I planned a weekend getaway for us to Washington D.C.; given my naive and "hope floats eternal" nature, I wanted to do something sweet and romantic for her by replicating her birthday weekend from years prior. The week before we left, she had some issues at work, and as result of a really piss poor attitude, went on to ruin not only that week, but the travel weekend as well. Afterwards, she admitted to wrongdoing, and told me that she felt that she "broke something" this time. She was correct. A week later, we would be at home, when an interesting YouTube recommendation came up on our Smart TV in the living room (where her account was logged in). It was a video featuring an ex-fling (see: "Instagram Guy" for anyone who read the archived post), one whose presence in our life led to a lot of problems (see: she lied about the nature of their relationship early on, the fact that they were still in contact, and the small tidbit that she had cheated with him on her last long term boyfriend).

 

Just weeks prior, she saw my own recommendations on the bedroom television (where my account was logged in), which were videos on the Amalfi Coast, in Italy, because I was planning a surprise trip for her 30th birthday, this upcoming September. Her response? "OH, SOMEONE has been watching vacation videos!" She was correct, though I jokingly played it off, knowing better, and said, "nah, those just pop up, LOL" - I was trying to hint that I had something in the works for her. Well, apparently, when I confronted her, apparently, YouTube doesn't function the same for both us. My recommendations are the result of me watching certain videos, while hers were just totally random coincidences. To add insult to injury, she began to yell and scream about how she was tired of being accused of things she didn't do, despite the history with this particular person and the fact that the likelihood of this video appearing for any other reason was absolutely zero. This would go on for the remainder of the evening and the next morning, when she would tell me that she "can't be in a relationship...if this is the way it's going to be". Of course, this was all anger and bluster on her part, but in that moment, something clicked inside of me, and I said, "fine. You can go, then."

 

She would spend the next month initiating conversations about us continuing to work on it, saying that she knows she has a problem, and that she needs to seek help for it; she admitted she needed therapy. She fought, begged, pleaded and cried, but every conversation ended the same: I simply told her, "I have been working on this for four years, and I don't want to work on a relationship anymore, I just want to BE in one." She ended up moving out on 5/22/17, a month after the initial conflict, and since then, has reached out to contact me several times, thought I stood steadfast in my decision to not reply...

 

Until 7/19/17. Prior, on July 4th weekend, she reached out via e-mail to let me know that she had things she wanted to discuss with me, and that she wished to meet in person. She said if we didn't, it would be the last time she would contact me. I didn't respond right away, but instead gave myself two weeks to wrap my head around where I was, and what I wanted to say. On the 19th, I simply said, "meeting face to face wouldn't be the best thing for me right now, but if you have anything to say, feel free to write them here and I can promise you that I will read them. Be well."

 

I feel that, despite breaking ~60 days of NC, I remained firm in my stance, brushing off what could be a potential breadcrumb. My motivation was not wanting to allow anyone have that kind of power over me, where I wanted to ignore them for that long. I thought I was in the clear. To date, she hasn't responded, and I am okay with that. Nonetheless, in the days that followed my reply, I feel like I fell down a pit of despair all over again - all of the pain, all of the anguish, the resentment, it bubbled back up to the surface again. While I thought my reply was a strong "stiff-arm" to her advance, and was likely taken as rejection, it still left me feeling like absolute crap.

 

Now, if you've made it this far, you have my gratitude - using this sub as a platform to vent is cathartic, and I appreciate anyone that took the time to read this essay of a post. My question is, what am I to make of these feelings? It's not as if I was chasing her, or if she through out bait that I hungrily went after - in fact, it was quite the opposite. I have been the one, who, despite being the dumper, put up a wall to protect myself and my feelings.

 

What do you make of this?

 

Any and all input will be valued immensely, as I'm just trying to make sense of what has been going on in my head and heart over the last ten days.

Edited August 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
URL removed ~6

[Goodguy05]

Dude it appears the roles have changed from dumped to dumpee for u.

 

I'm gonna say ur feeling this way because she hasn't responded maybe the way u thought she would.

Her not responding is a good possibility why these feelings have surfaced and even though u ended it maybe in the beginning it was because not because u didn't still love her but more so ur needs weren't being met and u were tired of working on it constantly it doesn't mean ur feelings disappear.

 

I've noticed when woman end it it's because a lot of the time they've met someone else and have feelings for them well that's been the case for me and they've tried and tried and tried until all there feelings have gone something I think with doesn't happen wth men. I think wth men we stay in the relationship even if were not happy even if we've left them we haven't emotionally

[Marc878]

You went through enough to know this isn't ever going to work. You know her well enough.

 

The thing is you should have blocked her when it ended but I suspect you wanted to feed on some breadcrumbs.mor hold onto that faints lived of hope.

 

NC means complete cut off. You didn't go the whole way.

 

You put your hand in fire you'll get burned every time. But.... You seem to leave the door cracked a bit. Why?

[parkerandball]

Dude it appears the roles have changed from dumped to dumpee for u.

 

I'm gonna say ur feeling this way because she hasn't responded maybe the way u thought she would. Her not responding is a good possibility why these feelings have surfaced and even though u ended it maybe in the beginning it was because not because u didn't still love her but more so ur needs weren't being met and u were tired of working on it constantly it doesn't mean ur feelings disappear.

 

I've noticed when woman end it it's because a lot of the time they've met someone else and have feelings for them well that's been the case for me and they've tried and tried and tried until all there feelings have gone something I think with doesn't happen wth men. I think wth men we stay in the relationship even if were not happy even if we've left them we haven't emotionally

 

Emotionally, without a doubt, I feel more like the "dumped" than the person who ended things. This makes sense though, as I did something that I didn't want to really do; I just felt that I was backed into a corner and had to act on the only reasonable option I had. I was shown time and time again that she was a person who was going to treat me poorly, and so I had to stand up, choose myself for once, and make a decision, regardless of how difficult it was.

 

In terms of how she did not respond, actually, it was me who was on the responding end. She asked to meet in person, I declined. She said if we couldn't meet in person, it'd be the last I heard from her, so I knew what I was possibly walking into. Prior to that, all contact came from her, and it was me who was taking the time to get my head on straight before I responded to anything. Maybe there was a little confusion in the OP. What made me write here was, I am looking for insight into why, even when taking such a firm stance and maintaining control through 60 days of NC + rejecting her "final offer", I feel so crappy behind the whole thing. I'm trying to figure out why the break in NC, even though it pushed her off further, left me feeling so terrible.

 

As for the last bolded point, you're absolutely right. My ending of the relationship had nothing to do with how much I loved her then, and honestly, how much I still love her now. It was all about my own personal health, self respect, and dignity.

[parkerandball]

You went through enough to know this isn't ever going to work. You know her well enough.

 

The thing is you should have blocked her when it ended but I suspect you wanted to feed on some breadcrumbs.mor hold onto that faints lived of hope.

 

NC means complete cut off. You didn't go the whole way.

 

You put your hand in fire you'll get burned every time. But.... You seem to leave the door cracked a bit. Why?

 

To your first point, you're absolutely correct. This is why I ended things.

 

In terms of breadcrumbs, would that be what this is considered? If I ended the relationship, and initiated NC, could her outreach to me be called that? I thought breadcrumbs was when a dumper attempts to give the dumpee false hope that there is still a chance.

 

Lastly, about my hand in the fire - do you think a simple e-mail to say "no" was that?

 

I'm feeling like my OP and question wasn't as clear as I originally thought it was, unless I'm confused about the terminology used on LS. Nonetheless, thank you for replying.