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How long before you date again?


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fieldoflavender

After a break-up, I hear all sorts of things, obviously it's not 10 years later nor is it 5 days later, but I think it really depends on the situation, right?

 

I think you need to be no contact for a period of time, with no chances of contacting again (i.e. no reasons to contact again), they are reasonably out of your life, and you have an interest in dating/finding someone else but not simply to fill a void.

 

Obviously divorce versus 2 month relationship is also very different too. And what the person meant to you, blah blah.

 

I think for me it's two parts

1) getting over that person themselves - for me that's mostly done thanks to the things they did after the break-up

2) getting over the relationship itself - this is harder for me, because I'm not sure if I am. There was a lot of hurt, loss of trust, finding myself, blah blah.

 

But I don't really think I will find an eureka moment either where it's suddenly "Oh I'm ready!".

 

What do you guys think?

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I'm actually struggling with this right now myself. It's been only 2 months but I've been getting a bit of an itch to meet people and see what's out there.

 

I went on a couple of online apps and I matched with quite a few girls which was nice but I found the small talk a bit tiring. I realized I was just trying to fill an emotional void I've been missing. It also hit me when I was having a nice time talking to someone and I knew they were going to bring up a date, I had a bit of anxiety and felt sick about it.

 

I think you're right when you say you need to be over your ex enough that you don't compare and that you don't think about them when connecting with someone else. It was nice to have a bit of an ego boost but, I know I'm just not ready to put myself out there again, which is fine as I said it's only been a couple months.

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Greenhawk84

I am ready to see new women but I am not so much ready to be in serious love again. I am stuck in the middle because I want to date I just need to determine what it is I am looking for. I am open to meeting someone and taking things at a slow pace. I am open to flings as well. I was open to flings not too long after my break up 5 months ago. I have not had any contact of any sort since my break up. It's driving me crazy.

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fieldoflavender

I don't think it's a crime to feel happy you're filling an emotional void. I started talking to people a month after my break-up - sure there was initial guilt because I felt like I was cheating even though I wasn't and was fully single.

 

But it was nice for self-confidence and just to see that there are other people out there. and at this point, the void is just temporary.

 

I think serious love I am not ready for yet - but that kind of stuff takes time anyways. Casual dating is not a big deal. I already went on a date - and it wasn't so bad. I did have the anxiety a month ago, but that was also because I was not completely over him. At this point, I have moved on so it's not a big deal. It's just the normal anxiety I used to have before being in this relationship.

 

And i think our expectations are a bit lower during this time, which is not a bad thing.

 

Anyways, I'm still going to continue trying to date.

 

Only thing is not sure what I should be doing re: honesty about my break-up. I refuse to talk about it on a first date or even first few dates. But if things were serious, I think I will mention it happened recently but I am over it. I suppose I could also mention I was briefly engaged for 2 weeks as much as that whole fiasco was embarrassing but it'll slip up in the future since it was public in my friends circle.

 

But other than that, I don't think I have to go into my break-up and I don't think I ever will in my lifetime. At least not specifics.

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stockyoldfrump

For me, personally, it'll be when other women no longer remind me of her and when I can see them and appreciate them for themselves.

 

I think dating apps can be a really good in the time immediately after a breakup because they help build your self esteem. They remind you that, to others, you aren't damaged or unloveable and that who you STILL are is enough for someone else to be attracted to. That's a big breakthrough and is a key ego boost short term. I've done it and it has helped in that respect.

 

There's a big difference between that and seeking out an actual relationship. I'm not one to date casually, so the next woman I am with will be one I could see myself spending my life with. To get to that point is going to take a while, but they key to me is to not push it. Right now, every woman I speak to reminds me of my ex in some way. It might be the way they talk, the way they look, something they say, what they're wearing, etc. One day I'll be able to interact with women in a way that is about them and them only. And when that happens, I'll be mentally and emotionally ready to pursue someone if they seem like the right person.

 

I think on some level, if you loved your ex, every person you meet is competing against them in your head. I didn't realize I loved my last girlfriend until I realized I'd rather talk to her than my previous ex. I imagine I won't be ready to love again until I'm sitting with a woman and realize that, if given a choice between spending a day with her or my ex, I'd choose the former.

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fieldoflavender

Well I think it's very easy right now to think of other guys as better than my ex because he did terrible things to me after the break-up and his negative qualities are pretty easy to surpass at this stage of a new relationship.

 

The problem is he looked like a superstar almost 8 months into the relationship (minus a few glitches) so I think I still have a lot of fear - what if they change like him too? Is this their true face right now? So it is more of a trust thing right now. I'm not comparing them to him and to be honest, I don't want to be with him or see him right now or in the future. I just feel I have major trust issues that I need to work out and I'm hoping with time, it'll get better.

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Spartakooty

I didn't feel like dating until about 3 months. Then it WAS kind of a eureka moment. Bam...I felt like dating....and am! Very nice girl btw..:)

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After a break-up, I hear all sorts of things, obviously it's not 10 years later nor is it 5 days later, but I think it really depends on the situation, right?

 

I think you need to be no contact for a period of time, with no chances of contacting again (i.e. no reasons to contact again), they are reasonably out of your life, and you have an interest in dating/finding someone else but not simply to fill a void.

 

Obviously divorce versus 2 month relationship is also very different too. And what the person meant to you, blah blah.

 

I think for me it's two parts

1) getting over that person themselves - for me that's mostly done thanks to the things they did after the break-up

2) getting over the relationship itself - this is harder for me, because I'm not sure if I am. There was a lot of hurt, loss of trust, finding myself, blah blah.

 

But I don't really think I will find an eureka moment either where it's suddenly "Oh I'm ready!".

 

What do you guys think?

 

I don't think there's a rule of thumb on this question it varies .

I can only speak for myself but found usually the indicator that I'm over an is when I find someone I really love again and connect with the usually been a period of 3 yrs between relationships give or take.

My marriage took a little longer just because I tried to really move on too quickly from that relationship and hadn't processed or dealt with the emotions and would try and block out what I was feeling so it took a little longer. I think its different for everyone I think u never forget an but wen u meet ur next serious connection or soulmate I guess

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I'm actually struggling with this right now myself. It's been only 2 months but I've been getting a bit of an itch to meet people and see what's out there.

 

I went on a couple of online apps and I matched with quite a few girls which was nice but I found the small talk a bit tiring. I realized I was just trying to fill an emotional void I've been missing. It also hit me when I was having a nice time talking to someone and I knew they were going to bring up a date, I had a bit of anxiety and felt sick about it.

 

I think you're right when you say you need to be over your ex enough that you don't compare and that you don't think about them when connecting with someone else. It was nice to have a bit of an ego boost but, I know I'm just not ready to put myself out there again, which is fine as I said it's only been a couple months.

 

I can so relate to this that was me a few months back same experience

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I think it totally depends on the person. I was married for 9 years and was good to go after about 2-3 weeks. But my last two break ups have hit me pretty hard. This one is coming up on 6 weeks and still feels like yesterday. So I really think a lot has to play into it.

 

1- Did you both argue and see the end coming

2- Was it all of a sudden, no warning signs

3- How deep were the feelings

etc.

 

Dating someone for 9 years might be fine in a few weeks, where dating someone for 18 months and everything felt wonderful, no fights etc. might take a bit longer.

 

But as someone said you are on the right track.

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fieldoflavender

I think I was checked out emotionally for months before (and yes it haunts me now to my poor decision making as to why I agreed to be engaged is beyond me right now) and I had already stopped loving him although I couldn't recognize it was that during that time. So when the pieces fell together (or apart), it finally made sense why everything was happening.

 

I guess what I'm suffering from now is the whole why when things are so clear, people are still hurting each other after the break-up. But even that, is pointless.

 

But I guess I just need to believe in love again. I think trying to date again while feeling jaded is not so great. I think my issue is that if another guy ever says to me "I will always love you forever" - I will not be able to believe that. Not right now. We never know if someone or even ourselves will love the person forever - but you must be at least able to half believe it if you are really trying to give love a chance.

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I think I was checked out emotionally for months before (and yes it haunts me now to my poor decision making as to why I agreed to be engaged is beyond me right now) and I had already stopped loving him although I couldn't recognize it was that during that time. So when the pieces fell together (or apart), it finally made sense why everything was happening.

 

I guess what I'm suffering from now is the whole why when things are so clear, people are still hurting each other after the break-up. But even that, is pointless.

 

But I guess I just need to believe in love again. I think trying to date again while feeling jaded is not so great. I think my issue is that if another guy ever says to me "I will always love you forever" - I will not be able to believe that. Not right now. We never know if someone or even ourselves will love the person forever - but you must be at least able to half believe it if you are really trying to give love a chance.

 

 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

 

Don't ever give up on love, the world is full of jaded people. we need more love in it. Just be careful who you give your heart too. Its hard but never make someone new pay for the crimes of someone else.

 

I have a saying, Losing my faith in humanity one person at a time. But that is only for the person who proves that. Remember the good times, forget the bad ones and live everyday you can.

 

;)

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Hi all,

 

i am in a similar position myself, looking to give my own experiences out to others and maybe get some info back.

 

My Gf of 5 years split up with me around 2 1/2 months ago and from my end it was unexpected, apparently she hadn't wanted to be in the relationship for 12 months but she didnt show any signals.

 

It was very hard for me and i believe i am over the person because of the way things happened after the relationship ended. Although i do badly miss the company and having someone there for you.

 

I am doing good by myself, got myself a new job which starts in feb and got a 2 month holiday booked prior to that, i am going the gym as much as possible and seeing my friends often but sometimes i still want to speak to new girls and date or even just talk but i am 100% sure i do not want another relationship at this current moment in time and probably until after im settled in my new job.

 

Is it selfish of me to go out and meet new people even though i am not looking for a relationship at this time, i thought my last one was going to last forever but obviously not... im not ruling out meeting the right person right now but i would take it very slowly and ensure that they are definitely the one for me before committing to anything.

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After a break-up, I hear all sorts of things, obviously it's not 10 years later nor is it 5 days later, but I think it really depends on the situation, right?

 

I think you need to be no contact for a period of time, with no chances of contacting again (i.e. no reasons to contact again), they are reasonably out of your life, and you have an interest in dating/finding someone else but not simply to fill a void.

 

Obviously divorce versus 2 month relationship is also very different too. And what the person meant to you, blah blah.

 

I think for me it's two parts

1) getting over that person themselves - for me that's mostly done thanks to the things they did after the break-up

2) getting over the relationship itself - this is harder for me, because I'm not sure if I am. There was a lot of hurt, loss of trust, finding myself, blah blah.

 

But I don't really think I will find an eureka moment either where it's suddenly "Oh I'm ready!".

 

What do you guys think?

 

I can tell you about my experience.

 

We dated for 2.5 years, she broke up in the distance while she was away via Skype and in a very cold way... that really got to me, especially coming from someone I thought was the sweetest person I've ever met.

 

It's been almost 6 months since the breakup, and I deliberately spent the first 4 months by myself with 0 interest in dating seeing other girls. No online dating, etc... I believe you need that energy and time to focus on your personal work / improvement / well being. I started dating last week casually and I can tell I haven't fully moved on but I enjoy talking with new people and it's a good excuse to go out of my comfort zone. I'm not ready to love or have anything serious, but I think I deserve to find again some connection with new people.

 

It's going to be 5 months of complete NC, and yes, I still miss her and I'm thinking about if I should contact her down the line or just leave it. It's a very tough one.

 

I think it a process of personal work and proactive self-reflection rather than an eureka moment. At least with my type of personality.

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