Almost 9 year relationship ended, don't understand why

[Luco]

Hello,

 

My ex girlfriend and I met when we were both starting different universities about an hour and a half apart. I would come back every weekend from the university town to see her and my family.

 

About 3 years into our relationship she went on exchange to a different country and I was really stuck with insecurity and jealousy. I made her feel awful and while on exchange she rightfully ended the relationship. I have worked on my self significantly and contacted her again once she was back. We reconnected right away and have been together since then. So we were broken up for about 2 months during this time.

 

Almost 6 years later our lives were very different but we were still not living together as I am working on my graduate degree at the same university and she works full time in the city where our families live. I would still come back every weekend or even more frequently to spend time with her. I though I was very close to her family and that we fit together perfectly.

 

She went travelling with a girlfriend for 2 weeks and then with her family to a wedding for another 2 weeks. When she came back she was very distant. I asked her what was going on and she said that she does not see a future with me. That she cares very much about me but no longer has the same feelings. I convinced her to try and work on our relationship but the very next time I saw her she was even more distant and sad. Thus I said it was ok and I understand, that if she no longer feels the same way for me she should end it and break up with me. She did appear to care so much, hugging me, holding my hand, kissing, could not stop crying. But in the end she said we should go our separate ways.

 

Right now I am completely numb, I don't understand what happened, is this really the end after almost 9 years? Is there anything I can do? I really did want to be with her and saw our future together as soon as I finish the graduate degree. I haven't contacted her since this happened (5 days ago) and feel like I am on a non-stop emotional roller coaster. Haven't really slept or eaten in the 5 days.

[d0nnivain]

Your relationship began when you were young. It has immature foundations. Over the years, you grew together but now that she's out in the world while you are still in school her perspective is changing. She spent a lot of time with you but wants to explore more. You have to let her go. She outgrew this relationship.

 

I'm sorry she has reached this conclusion but she has to follow her heart & her dreams.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this happened, OP.

 

But I agree with D0nnivain that it sounds as though she outgrew the relationship and is ready to move on. It sounds as though she did try but cannot pretend that she just doesn't feel the same way anymore.

[Luco]

That's hard to hear. I really do think she is a wonderful person and hope she does achieve all of her dreams and finds happiness. I guess I just always assumed I would be right there beside her.

 

I've been reading the coping posts and the next steps seem pretty clear, no contact, gym, friends.

 

What really frustrates me is that she did not bring anything up, nothing about being unhappy or losing feelings or wanting to reignite the passion. To me this came out of absolutely nowhere, while during the breakup she said she has been thinking about it for a long time. Is there such a thing as getting closure ? I would at least like to understand what happened to cause us to drift apart and learn from it so I do not make the same mistakes in the future.

[d0nnivain]

Closure comes from within. She doesn't have the words to make you feel better.

 

It was out of the blue for you but she had probably been thinking about it for longer & only picked now, after she travelled to tell you. She had to know it would hurt you & she probably wasn't looking forward to being the source of your pain.

 

Going forward, focus on yourself. Hang in there.

[fieldoflavender]

She already told you the reason why though as she can understand at this time. So I think probing more is not going to be helpful.

 

My ex told me all sorts of "truths" about why he couldn't be with me anymore, and I immediately at the time thought I could fix all those things, but when I cooled down and within a week, realized that the relationship was irreparable short of miracles and huge efforts on both of our efforts.

 

If you take the time for yourself to really think about things - maybe you will come up with a good answer. And at that point, maybe it'll matter less what her reasons were.

[ExpatInItaly]

That's hard to hear. I really do think she is a wonderful person and hope she does achieve all of her dreams and finds happiness. I guess I just always assumed I would be right there beside her.

 

I've been reading the coping posts and the next steps seem pretty clear, no contact, gym, friends.

 

What really frustrates me is that she did not bring anything up, nothing about being unhappy or losing feelings or wanting to reignite the passion. To me this came out of absolutely nowhere, while during the breakup she said she has been thinking about it for a long time. Is there such a thing as getting closure ? I would at least like to understand what happened to cause us to drift apart and learn from it so I do not make the same mistakes in the future.

 

A lot of it is down to age and inherent lack of other experiences. She's been with you since she was quite young, and thus couldn't have had much relationship experience beyond you. Most do not settle down with their first significant loves, simply because they're curious about what else the world has to offer.

 

Some young loves grow together, but more often than not, they drift apart. It's not something that would have been under your control, speaking from experience. I am not saying you're both totally powerless against the forces of life, but it's rare these days that a couple which started dating so young stay together forever. You've both probably changed a lot in these 9 years and who she was and what she wants when you met are different from who she is and what she wants now.

 

As such, there's probably not much more she can say to explain how she's feeling. There's likely not one particular factor that led to this. I know that's difficult to understand and accept, but this doesn't mean you did something wrong, necessarily.

[SevenCity]

Although posters would have you believe it is due to her age, don't think for a minute this doesn't happen every day with women 10, 20, 30 years older.

 

The jealously and insecurity didn't help. You can't act like you own her. If she is going to cheat she will do it regardless of how you act.

 

No, unfortunately there is nothing you can do.

 

What you have to realize about women is they often won't share (or give indirect signals) when things are failing. It's not an overnight thing - it happens slowly over time - just like the process of falling "in love" with you. The reason I quote that is a woman will be in love as long as she's happy and secure. Those feelings will fade if you do enough wrong in her eyes. You usually are not informed about this until it's too late to change which is why you hear so many guys saying "it was out of the blue!" Same thing happened to me after 7 years with a woman in her 40s.

 

What you can do is try to find women who are good communicators and will tell you when they are not happy. It's hard to find them as it seems they say nothing or are always complaining.

 

I would not look at this as your fault - she had her part. But, as the pain lifts (and it will) you will look at things more objectively and see things you did wrong.

 

Best thing is to stay NC and look for the signs of women who are bad communicators before you get attached.

 

This sucks, but you WILL get through it.

[sandylee1]

Any chance she met someone during her travels?

 

That's what came to mind.

 

I also think 9 years is a really long relationship without progressing to marriage.

 

Maybe going to a wedding, she had similar thoughts.

[Luco]

She did say she did not see a future with me anymore during the breakup and that one of her goals was to complete a graduate degree abroad. Perhaps at the wedding she realized she can't see herself and me as a bride and groom.

 

Thinking back I am starting to believe there were a lot of communication issues. We never really did talk about the future and what either of us wanted. I just always assumed we were in a good position and that things would progress as soon as I complete grad school.

 

I think at this point I am still in complete denial and believe that I will talk to her soon and we will get back together into a stronger and better relationship.

[Goodguy05]

That's hard to hear. I really do think she is a wonderful person and hope she does achieve all of her dreams and finds happiness. I guess I just always assumed I would be right there beside her.

 

I've been reading the coping posts and the next steps seem pretty clear, no contact, gym, friends.

 

What really frustrates me is that she did not bring anything up, nothing about being unhappy or losing feelings or wanting to reignite the passion. To me this came out of absolutely nowhere, while during the breakup she said she has been thinking about it for a long time. Is there such a thing as getting closure ? I would at least like to understand what happened to cause us to drift apart and learn from it so I do not make the same mistakes in the future.

 

Try and remember what she complained about. Youll find ur answers there

[Seth0194]

The answer is never complicated, most times it is simple. It sounds like others have said, she has grown. It happens all the time. The best thing you can do is heal yourself, hoping she comes back or things are gonna work out is a false sense and will only give you more pain in the long run. Deal with what is happening at this point, and move on. Harder to do then said, but the only certainty you have is what is right now. Do not prolong things, let go, heal and move on. If a few years from now you tow find each other, wonderful. But trust me, take care of yourself.

 

Best of luck.

[sandylee1]

Even if you can't recall her complaining about anything, if I'd been in a relationship for 9 years and he never spoke of marriage, I'd take it that he didn't want that with me.

 

Most women would want some progression beyond that. I know when you get together younger it can be different. ..but still. ..I'd see it as a stale relationship with nothing to look forward to.

[Luco]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It appears simply we grew apart or I was not active enough about our future together.

 

Thinking back, the difficulty of the graduate program contributed to our breakup, I've been extremely busy the last year and a half and we definitely did not spend as much time together. I've been distant and I think to an extent depressed. This is something I definitely need to work on for myself future and figure out a more balanced approach.

 

It has been 1 week and I am still numb and not sure what to do. Should I just try my best to move on and go complete NC or give her some time and try to talk to her about us? Even if we do not get back together would it be ok to apologize to her for not being there for her in the last year and not being the same partner as I was before?