Girlfriend cheated, meeting wednesday

[michael_92]

Hi guys,

 

It's been a while since I was on this forum which usually is a great sign.

Yesterday I found out that my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me. We had trust issues before, and she did this in America on a holiday. I told her not to go because when she is in America it always goes wrong (we never talk, fight etc.) It turns out my trust issues were justified.

 

I hope some of you can share your advice. We are going to meet on wednesday to talk. She already told me on the phone that she is done with me, which came (for me ofcourse) out of nowhere. She also said that she might have met someone there but it had nothing to do with us breaking up (which obviously is bull). It seems like she doesn't even know what she is doing, throwing away a 1 year relationship for some guy she just met 2 days ago.

 

Wednesday she's going to tell me everything and I'm probably going to hear about cheating. I'm blocked on every social media account and she also blocked my number, but we're going to meet on wednesday (she arrives in the morning) My question is: what is the best way to respond to this? Really heartbroken about this, especially because I gave her a second chance. I just don't want to act angry but I don't how not to when you hear you've been cheated on after countless promises that she would never do this again.

[Zul]

Do you want the truth of what you should really do, or do you want me to give you what you want to hear?

 

Truth is, she cheated and she's a liar. She's ending your relationship to be with someone else because the grass is always greener. Then on Wednesday she is just going to 'rub it in'. Trust me. If you want the best way to respond to this... Block her NOW, don't meet her on Wednesday and disappear like a ghost from her life. She'll see, trust me. She will easily see what she is giving up. The worst thing you can do is play along, because that helps her justify her actions to see you get upset/angry/sad over it.

 

Don't play her game. Go your own way, and drop her. She made a choice, now she has to live with the consequences.

 

 

 

 

 

My ex did the same thing to me our first year together. She went back to her home state and visited her ex that she dated before me. Well she cheated on me with him and then called me and broke up after she cheated so she felt better about cheating because then we weren't together and in her head it was not cheating. Trust me, it's messed up my friend. It is absolutely messed up. In hindsight, I should have dumped her off right then and there and went my own way, and if I had; I would have saved myself years of heartache. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. Guess what, 4 years later we broke up and she went behind my back again and still lied to me until 2 weeks ago when I ghosted her for good.

 

Run... Run and never look back. Don't worry, it only hurts the first few weeks then it gets a lot easier because you are moving on and you know that she's miserable because she lost the best thing that ever happened to her and she can't talk it out because you're gone and it'll eat away at her for a long time to come. The best way to handle this is really to do nothing at all. Live your life, don't depend on her.

[michael_92]

Dude, I love you man. This is some serious solid advice. The part about you saying that she broke up with you and then cheated, to justify it is what I have aswell. I basically told her what idiot would even contact her when she knows she has a boyfriend, and she says she doesn't have a boyfriend.. But this is some great advice, I seriously don't want to play her game and just disappear from her place like a ghost. On the other hand, I would really like to know what she did even though that's going to sting a lot. I'm kind of in two spots now. And I also realize if I meet her she is going to be the one who is wrong (because she cheated and she will know that she is wrong) but if I dissapear it's my mistake (kind of). If you know what I mean?

[staggerlee71]

if she actually follows through and shows up, its not to give you closure. its to give herself closure. She wont give you answers but will only create more questions.

 

She will leave your meeting feeling better because she broke up with you in person, and "offered" you the opportunity to talk.

 

This is about her.

 

I vote ghost her. don't give her another thing

[magnesium]

As the other wise people have said, cut her out of your life.

 

She wants to meet so she can feel less guilty about what she did; this meeting has NOTHING to do with you or your feelings.

[mrs rubble]

Agree with all the above. Don't turn up for the meeting.

[Imajerk17]

Advice? Yes, don't even go to the meeting. She doesn't deserve to be your girlfriend anymore, and she sure as hell doesn't deserve to get to tell you all the things that you did "wrong" that "made" her cheat.

 

I think this opinion is unanimous and has already been said. But sometimes strength in numbers and hearing the right advice repeated a bunch of times helps.

[michael_92]

Thanks all for your advice. Usually I don't take the advice because of the heartbreak. But I can honestly say that I am fairly sure I'm going to do this. You guys are right.

 

I do have one question: she said that there might be a another guy (who lives in the USA), shouldn't I go to see what the case is, to get closure for myself and knowing. Or do you guys think it is too painful.

 

Honestly I'm seriously loving the advice because it's hard to think on your own during these times and you guys make it seem so simple. I'm going to think about this all day tomorrow and if I go ghost, I go ghost. Thanks guys!

[magnesium]

The best way to get closure is to cut her out of your life, and do not look back.

 

You, sir, are a valuable man. You have self-respect. Hang on too the self-respect.

 

She does not deserve your time. She does not respect you; her actions are proof that. She will lie to you if you meet with her, just to make you feel better, but do not be fooled, this meeting is ALL ABOUT HER FEELINGS, because she knows she screwed up.

 

Does it really matter what her reasons are for doing what she did?

 

The only thing this "meeting" proves is that she is still being selfish.

 

You do not need to listen to her lies to gain closure; if anything, you will be more messed up if you meet up with her, and you will lose respect for yourself in the process.

Edited July 30, 2017 by magnesium

[Imajerk17]

Thanks all for your advice. Usually I don't take the advice because of the heartbreak. But I can honestly say that I am fairly sure I'm going to do this. You guys are right.

 

I do have one question: she said that there might be a another guy (who lives in the USA), shouldn't I go to see what the case is, to get closure for myself and knowing. Or do you guys think it is too painful.

 

Honestly I'm seriously loving the advice because it's hard to think on your own during these times and you guys make it seem so simple. I'm going to think about this all day tomorrow and if I go ghost, I go ghost. Thanks guys!

 

You already know what the case is though. She couldn't stay faithful to you. There is nothing else that needs to be said my friend, she has clearly shown that she doesn't deserve to be your girlfriend.

 

Nothing good will come from meeting her. Cancel and/or ghost.

[The411]

Michael, you not going to want to hear this but your girlfriend didn't break up out of nowhere. You just missed the signs she was dropping.

 

If a woman cheats on a man the relationship is unrecoverable unless you enjoy being a cuckold.

 

Never tell a woman she can't do something. So many guys make this mistake because they get jealous and try to control a woman. It's always a losing proposition. Going forward tell any new girlfriend when you first exclusive that you are excited about your relationship. Tell her that she's free to do as she pleases, but that you do not tolerate cheating and you will walk away if cheating occurs. The reason for this is that you are stating your position. You are not giving her an ultimatum.

 

The reason you are mad isn't about her but about you. You are upset that you didn't follow your gut and gave her second chance even though deep down you knew it was a bad idea.

 

Do not waste another second on her. Do not meet do not call text check social media. Erase her from your life and understand that no matter bad a woman acts it is the man's responsability to filter her properly and jettison her if there are red flags. My guess is that this woman showed these red flags early and you ignored them.

[michael_92]

Thanks guys, especially for the tough love/words. It helps. I can't think straight and you guys have the experience, and are almost always right. She couldn't stay faithful, no matter what reasons, what she did and who she did it with.

 

I have done what you guys adviced. I deactivated facebook (she already blocked me on facebook, so I can't see anything anyway), changed my telephonenumber through my providers account and have absolutely zero ways to contact her. I'll probably regret this in the morning but I know that in the long run, this was the best call. Seeing her would just make things complicated. I'll just go NC.. i guess this time forever.

 

A good lesson is: no matter how much begging, crying and pleading from her side; a cheater will always be a cheater.

[Zul]

Dude, I love you man. This is some serious solid advice. The part about you saying that she broke up with you and then cheated, to justify it is what I have aswell. I basically told her what idiot would even contact her when she knows she has a boyfriend, and she says she doesn't have a boyfriend.. But this is some great advice, I seriously don't want to play her game and just disappear from her place like a ghost. On the other hand, I would really like to know what she did even though that's going to sting a lot. I'm kind of in two spots now. And I also realize if I meet her she is going to be the one who is wrong (because she cheated and she will know that she is wrong) but if I dissapear it's my mistake (kind of). If you know what I mean?

 

My friend, I understand exactly what you mean. You think by you not showing up, it'll be 'your' mistake. It is NOT your mistake, she's the one who is going off with another person, not you. You're simply choosing not to play her petty little power games, and give in to her commands. By you doing this, you gain the power and the upper hand. It'll always nag her to think that you just ghosted yourself, and you're gone and she never got to justify why she hurt someone that cared for her. It'll eat away at her slowly, day-by-day until she contacts you to try and reconcile/Apologize (90% chance she will try to contact you if you just disappear). THEN you realize that you made the RIGHT choice because now she is chasing after your attention to give herself closure (as someone else said).

 

The tough love truth is.. You need to block her immediately from everything you mutually follow each other on. You need to NOT contact her at all for a minimum of a few weeks and let yourself start to heal.

 

Trust me when I say this and I mean trust me, don't ignore what I'm about to say. ---It will hurt worse than anything to learn the truths of the things you do not currently know about what is/what previously happened--- I know you want answers, and to know the truth. I assure you that you don't. I wish that I never asked my ex the questions I did, and I wish I just moved on without ever really knowing.

 

You will get through this. We are all here as a community. We all understand and have experienced things similar. I have been there and done that in your situation already. I know from experience that this is the best choice and it will save you so much pain in the long run.

 

If I had to choose between major unbearable pain for a few weeks, or a steady and never ending pain for the rest of my life... I'd choose a few weeks.

[usa1ah]

Hi guys,

 

It's been a while since I was on this forum which usually is a great sign.

Yesterday I found out that my girlfriend of 1 year cheated on me. We had trust issues before, and she did this in America on a holiday. I told her not to go because when she is in America it always goes wrong (we never talk, fight etc.) It turns out my trust issues were justified.

 

I hope some of you can share your advice. We are going to meet on wednesday to talk. She already told me on the phone that she is done with me, which came (for me ofcourse) out of nowhere. She also said that she might have met someone there but it had nothing to do with us breaking up (which obviously is bull). It seems like she doesn't even know what she is doing, throwing away a 1 year relationship for some guy she just met 2 days ago.

 

Wednesday she's going to tell me everything and I'm probably going to hear about cheating. I'm blocked on every social media account and she also blocked my number, but we're going to meet on wednesday (she arrives in the morning) My question is: what is the best way to respond to this? Really heartbroken about this, especially because I gave her a second chance. I just don't want to act angry but I don't how not to when you hear you've been cheated on after countless promises that she would never do this again.

 

Don't meet with her.

[Arieswoman]

Michael_92,

Do not meet this girl.

 

Do not spend one more minute of your time on her.

 

You don't need her to get closure.

 

"When people show you who they are, believe them"

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks all for your advice. Usually I don't take the advice because of the heartbreak. But I can honestly say that I am fairly sure I'm going to do this. You guys are right.

 

I do have one question: she said that there might be a another guy (who lives in the USA), shouldn't I go to see what the case is, to get closure for myself and knowing. Or do you guys think it is too painful.

 

Honestly I'm seriously loving the advice because it's hard to think on your own during these times and you guys make it seem so simple. I'm going to think about this all day tomorrow and if I go ghost, I go ghost. Thanks guys!

 

What difference does it make? I can't see why knowing who he is will help you in any way.

 

Meeting her will be a mistake. Don't go. There's nothing more you need to know, beyond the fact that this girl doesn't love you or even respect you.

 

It's time to start recovering your dignity and the first step is by cutting her off, completely.

[Goodguy05]

I can see why u want to meet with her to find out the truth. There's a good chance this woman isn't doing it for u but more so for herself. I don't believe she's gonna give u any closure from the meeting just more possible lies.

 

All u need to know was she cheated in the past and that was enough information right there about who she is and her character for u to cut ties

[MarvelFan1]

By meeting her, all you're doing is picking the scab off a wound, and it will make the healing process even harder, to start all over again.

 

She cheated and lied to you, so why would you believe anything she tells you, if you meet up? You gain nothing other than more baggage and heartache once she spouts out what she wants to say, and you don't need that.

 

Just know that you are no longer in a loveless relationship with a liar and a cheater, and that should be all the motivation you need to get on with your life, you don't need to know the 'whys' and 'wheres' of what she did and with whom and when, nothing will change.

 

Just don't speak to her again, don't give her any power by messaging or meeting. You have the power now, say 'No', to the meeting followed by, 'Goodbye', and that's it, you have the power, you aren't playing games or doing things on her terms, you are your own man, enjoy your power and freedom.

[breadbin]

Thanks all for your advice. Usually I don't take the advice because of the heartbreak. But I can honestly say that I am fairly sure I'm going to do this. You guys are right.

 

I do have one question: she said that there might be a another guy (who lives in the USA), shouldn't I go to see what the case is, to get closure for myself and knowing. Or do you guys think it is too painful.

 

Honestly I'm seriously loving the advice because it's hard to think on your own during these times and you guys make it seem so simple. I'm going to think about this all day tomorrow and if I go ghost, I go ghost. Thanks guys!

 

You need to be more than 'fairly sure' michael_92. We all know when it comes to love that common sense goes out the window. We make fools of ourselves. It's very easy for us to say 'don't meet her' but in reality it is going to be quite tough for you to not meet her.

 

Nobody here knows what the right thing to do is. Well one person does, you. Every relationship is different and what works for one couple might be hell for another. If I was in your shoes though, I wouldn't meet her. She seems to have moved on. Let her go.

 

I wish you the best of luck too! Let us know how it pans out.

[bene]

 

I do have one question: she said that there might be a another guy (who lives in the USA), shouldn't I go to see what the case is, to get closure for myself and knowing. Or do you guys think it is too painful.

 

 

I've come to think that there is no such thing as closure.

 

Wanting closure is rather a wish that maybe everything is not like it seems and there is some other explanation and you will live happily ever after.

 

So, if you already know for a fact that she has cheated on you and left you, there is not much more to know. You don't need any mental images of her and another guy.

 

As tempting as it may be to meet, it will give you strength knowing that from the second she stepped out of your relationship you didn't play by her rules anymore.

[stockyoldfrump]

I echo everyone's sentiments. DO. NOT. MEET. HER.

 

My last girlfriend was constantly vanishing when things would get hard or she'd be confused. I had to go weeks without seeing her or having dialogues with her beyond a few scattered texts. At some point she'd always ask to meet up and I'd tell her "if you're asking to meet up to break up with me, I'd rather you just tell me now."

 

Why? It's one thing if someone is giving you the respect to tell you they're breaking up with you or air their concerns with you in person. It takes a certain level of vulnerability to disclose information or hardships face-to-face and, while you might have a bad feeling about a certain conversation, actually hearing something for the first time in person often makes the other person just a vulnerable as you are.

 

However, when someone already tells you they're done or strongly indicates it via text or e-mail or whatever, they've made the decision to protect themselves from any transparency or vulnerability. They KNOW it would be easier for YOU if you could ask them questions in real time, so that you understood what was happening. But that's not important. What's important is that they are doing it at a distance, where they feel comfortable, can disclose only what they want, and can break off the conversation whenever it's convenient for them or when things become difficult.

 

The meeting is her way of easing her conscience so that she can believe she "did things the right way." There's a stigma to actually breaking up over the phone, so even though she basically did that already, she wants to meet up with you in person so that she can feel absolved of any guilt for how things ended. Moreover, she's looking for emotional closure. Now that SHE's ready, she wants to meet with you, see you get emotional, say her goodbyes, and move on with the sense that things are tidily concluded. This entire meeting is about her. She's already dictated when the relationship is ending, why it's ending and how you'll feel in the short term. Do you really need to concede this to her too?

 

If you show up there, all you will be doing is creating a sad memory that will replay in your head continuously for the next however many months. You'll remember the goodbye, you'll remember the sad last hug, you'll remember how awkward it is to sit next to her but not be able to touch her, you'll remember how empty her laugh sounds and how overly formal her voice becomes. Everything about this will become fuel for your anxiety and misery in the days and weeks to come. As sad as you are now, at least you don't have sounds/images/smells to put to the feelings. That is a minor blessing, do not give it up.

 

Worst part? Because you still love this woman, you'll probably end up feeling sorry for HER even though she's breaking your heart. She'll tell you how hurt she is and how confused she was and will maybe apologize and tell you you're a good guy. You'll reassure her and you'll forgive her. You'll do this because you love her and, in the moment, you will fall victim to the temptation to treat her with the love you still wish she wanted. All that will result from this is that she'll walk away with a sense of forgiveness, closure and absolution and you'll leave with a pile of awful memories to sort through as you begin a ****ty phase of your life.

 

That girlfriend I had eventually broke up with me and did it by text. She had disappeared again for a week and, even though I asked to meet with her or talk to her on the phone, she refused to converse with me UNTIL she had made up her mind on her own. Then she texted saying "I'd like to meet up and talk about this, but you told me you didn't want to if we were breaking up." I thought of begging to meet her, but resisted. I'm so glad I did. As much as I'm hurt by what happened and as much as I miss her, the final words she said to me were just lights on a screen. I never had to see her walk away or hug her knowing it was the last time or cry in front of her or hear the way her voice steadied as she announced her decision. Had those things been rolling around in my mind, I can't even imagine how much worse my last month would've been.

 

DO NOT SEE HER. I'm sorry this happened to you, but what's done is done. She made all the decisions that have hurt you so far. Time for you to make one to protect yourself.

[PegNosePete]

she said that there might be a another guy (who lives in the USA), shouldn't I go to see what the case is, to get closure for myself and knowing.

You already know. You wrote it in the thread title. She cheated.

 

If there isn't another guy, why would she say there MIGHT be another guy? What reason would she have for saying that? Answer: NONE. There IS another guy. She just didn't want to come out and say it straight to you.

 

Do not meet her. She will just blame you for the break up and tell you how much happier she is now with Mr. New. You don't need to hear that rubbish.

[dumbass2]

I'm happy to hear that you won't meet her. Absolutely very hard for you but you would not get straight answers from a cheater. Just know that whatever she would have told you would have been to ease her guilt and you would have come out of it with more questions than answers. Like others have said, you have the answers already. She cheated and left you. It's really that simple. Now take some time. Look back over the relationship and see if you can spot the issues. See the red flags and learn from them. You will find the answers yourself and be better for it.

 

Stay strong and stay away from your ex. Cheaters are the worst and do not deserve to hear from you ever again.

[michael_92]

To every person who commented on the original post: thanks! I seriously mean it. I can feel your advice through my bones because I know all of you are right and just want to protect me from more heartbreak.

 

I've decided not to go through with it. She texted me 2 days ago (with a phone number of her cousin, which I didn't block) with a date and time.

 

However, I'm not going to wait around for her when she is with some other dude. If a girl can't stay loyal for 1 week on a silly holiday trip when we were together for so long, then I'm better off without her. I texted back with a very short and simple:

''Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to meet or discuss this nonsense anymore. I'm not scared anymore for what is going to come after our break-up. Rather than a true fighter I will rise to meet this new challenge and overcome it.

 

I blocked that number immediately and to be really honest: it sucks a lot but this is also going to be an amazing time to grow and become a stronger person to attract that one girl who will never cheat. Furthermore, like you guys said: it feels so empowering knowing that I decided not to play her little games anymore. I'm in control of this ship now. And I'm happy I can (thus far) walk away with my pride intact. I've done the crying thing in the past, but that's going to stay in the past

 

Seriously could not, and 100% would not have done this without you guys commenting so I owe all of you. I might post an update a couple of months down the road. I hope I can then inspire people to take their power back.

 

Also I'm almost done with my educatation. I can call myself a doctor in a couple of months whereas she was always quitting her school. She had debts aswell. Not my problems anymore.

 

I guess it's like: stay with a loser and become one yourself or take control and ascend past your limits. NC is going to be very very hard but I am very confident now that this is the only thing that works because breaking NC will only bring back the pain and with NC there is no more pain (i've learnt this in the past).

 

Thanks guys!

[Marc878]

You're smart. Nice job