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She is seeing someone else


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 31st July 2017, 5:38 AM   #46
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Thank you for all your replies. I have found out that my counsellor is away until the 4th September, so I am freaking out about that. I would usually have had a session with her today, which I could have obviously really done with. I have found a dedicated LGBT domestic abuse service that offers free counselling, and just spoken to someone who said I can be assigned a case worker (offering emotional support, counselling, etc) within a few days. I'm really hoping that that's a quick service as I have woken up this morning full of anxiety, sweating, etc. I really am freaking out.

I am also consumed with the urge to contact her. Even just to write one line with something like "You've broken my heart" - she wouldn't feel guilty if I did that. She'd either ignore me or say something cruel.Even so, the urge is there and I've considered doing things like emailing her back or calling her from a withheld number just to say that (withheld so that she doesn't see my new number).

The most horrid thing about all of this is all I want is to speak to her. And then I remind myself that she's with someone else and doesn't care about me or the relationship (which was one of the things she said) and is probably sleeping with this man. All I can think about are things like the two of them sleeping together, in different positions... almost any time I try and relax or go to sleep those thoughts are there. Even seeing couples on the TV or seeing a couple kissing reminds me that that's what she's doing now and how she must be consumed with infatuation for this person, and how she must view me as pathetic and how much she doesn't even think about me anymore. All of that makes me feel sick and I have such a feeling of inner pain that I feel like I'm going to explode. And I have no idea how to manage these feelings.

Last night I ran myself a bath, and tried my best to relax. I did the soothing music thing as I went to bed. Cooked myself my favourite meal. Watched a film. I called a friend to talk about nonsense. But it's still here, the pain is still here. And I'm never going to speak to or see her again and it's killing me. I just wish I didn't feel like this.
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Old 31st July 2017, 6:44 AM   #47
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I feel so stupid coming on here again and again, writing out the same thing and I just feel so stupid for even feeling anything for her.

I've written out an email. My ideal plan is to send it and delete the account immediately after. It is not what I want to do. I haven't done it. I haven't done it because I am trying my hardest hardest HARDEST to stick to the advice I've been given here and by people I know, because I know that advice is the right thing to be doing, and I know that it will help me to heal faster, yet I am convinced that sending this email will at least inspire some feelings of guilt within her. Or perhaps that's just what I hope. If there was any guilt to be felt, wouldn't she have felt it already?

I am losing my mind. How can it be that I dislike this person and hate what she's done, but want nothing more than to speak to her? That is something I can't understand.
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Old 31st July 2017, 7:19 AM   #48
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Hello there, it's not stupid to keep asking the same thing over and over again. I've done it as well. Your situation is in some ways same as mine. The abusive the breakup then come back. My way or no way. The advice and venting I got and did helped me a lot. I was with that moron for 3 yrs. Post 2 full mths of, NC I feel so good. I live alive. I love that I can do whatever and not have to explain myself, I love how I have more free time for hobbies and friends, and I love the fact, that I no longer have to hear him call me a C###. It does get better with times. Yes I think about my ex, but not good things, I think about how this person was not for me, and how toxic it was. You deserve better, we all do. Don't settle for second best. Like others have said, the best way to get at your ex is to improve yourself. It takes times but you will one day look back and think to yourself " what the heck was I thinking" stay strong, keep moving forward.
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Old 31st July 2017, 7:27 AM   #49
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I'm not sure sending the email is a good idea. I sent my ex numerous text messages after the BU and I felt even worse immediately after. She never responded the way I imagined and it honestly just hurt like hell.

Try writing out what you want to say to her on here. Plenty of people do it and it's a much better alternative to making yourself vulnerable to your ex when you're feeling like this.

Hang in there, it takes time but things will get better.
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Old 31st July 2017, 9:13 AM   #50
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Breathe... Don't send that email, even if she reads it what do you expect her reply to be? For your own sake, keep telling yourself she hates you and wants to hurt you. If you give her even an ounce of credit and expect a positive reaction from her, I really think you're seeing yourself up for more pain. Our minds are our own worst enemies, so when you're picturing them together try to distract yourself. Go for a walk, or play a game. Anything but continuing to dwell on these negative thoughts.

We've all been where you are, and it's totally normal what you're going through and even how you're acting. BUT don't undo the progress you've made by contacting her, she doesn't deserve any of your energy anymore.
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Old 31st July 2017, 9:39 AM   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clist8511 View Post
Thank you for all your replies. I have found out that my counsellor is away until the 4th September, so I am freaking out about that. I would usually have had a session with her today, which I could have obviously really done with. I have found a dedicated LGBT domestic abuse service that offers free counselling, and just spoken to someone who said I can be assigned a case worker (offering emotional support, counselling, etc) within a few days. I'm really hoping that that's a quick service as I have woken up this morning full of anxiety, sweating, etc. I really am freaking out.

I am also consumed with the urge to contact her. Even just to write one line with something like "You've broken my heart" - she wouldn't feel guilty if I did that. She'd either ignore me or say something cruel.Even so, the urge is there and I've considered doing things like emailing her back or calling her from a withheld number just to say that (withheld so that she doesn't see my new number).

The most horrid thing about all of this is all I want is to speak to her. And then I remind myself that she's with someone else and doesn't care about me or the relationship (which was one of the things she said) and is probably sleeping with this man. All I can think about are things like the two of them sleeping together, in different positions... almost any time I try and relax or go to sleep those thoughts are there. Even seeing couples on the TV or seeing a couple kissing reminds me that that's what she's doing now and how she must be consumed with infatuation for this person, and how she must view me as pathetic and how much she doesn't even think about me anymore. All of that makes me feel sick and I have such a feeling of inner pain that I feel like I'm going to explode. And I have no idea how to manage these feelings.

Last night I ran myself a bath, and tried my best to relax. I did the soothing music thing as I went to bed. Cooked myself my favourite meal. Watched a film. I called a friend to talk about nonsense. But it's still here, the pain is still here. And I'm never going to speak to or see her again and it's killing me. I just wish I didn't feel like this.

It's normal ur not alone in these feelings many of us on here can relate trust me.

Remember these words it might help somewhat the reason ur feelings are so intense is because "rejection breeds obsession"

Give it a few more weeks in the intensity will decrease a little at least so u can breathe the first few weeks of my break up were awful. I remember walking up and down the beach hyperventilating just pacing non stop. We have night markets and no joke the only thing that settled me that night was a pyshcic at the market I consulted who gave me a little hope. I know how intense those first few weeks can be. Ur ex will get hers.
Once ur healed and couldn't give two ****s about her she will be running back but it'll be too late by then.

Last edited by Goodguy05; 31st July 2017 at 9:45 AM..
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Old 31st July 2017, 10:38 AM   #52
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vickyp - Itís so strange to hear someone talking about a relationship like that which fits the exact same pattern as the one I was just in. Itís also amazing to hear that youíre almost OK at just two months NC. Almost the same length as my relationship, too. I canít wait until Iím where you are. And also, I really really really appreciate the reply. Iím literally here checking for replies all the time. It really helps.

Gillys - Thatís the worst thing. When you have some idea how theyíll reply in your head and itís the total opposite to what happens in real life. I did go ahead and write a post in the coping section, and it felt like I still wanted to send her the email afterwards. I still havenít done it. In the old days I would have just sent it, but somethingís stopping me.

Jagged100 - Her reply? In all honesty, I donít want a reply. I really donít. I was intending to create a new email account, send it, then immediately delete the account. The purpose of sending it is, I think, to be honest and tell her that sheís caused some severe emotional pain, and has scarred me. How much it hurts that she has discarded me in such a cruel way, how much I trusted her not to do something like this knowing that I have had this done to me before, letting her know that I loved her and have been devastated by this. I donít want a reply because she will either say something cruel, or not answer at all. Thatís why I would delete the account immediately. I donít know. Iím just still in a lot of shock, I suppose.

Goodguy05 - Iím sorry to hear that you had the same experience and that thing with the hyperventilatingÖ it sounds horrible. It doesnít sound stupid either that you found comfort in something like that. We often find comfort in places we wouldnít expect, I suppose. It will be too late, yes. The thing is I donít want her back. I wouldnít go near her, now. I just feel betrayed and rejected. Strangely one of the things she said to me after I found out was that we couldnít meet up because we would end up back in Ďthat cycleí - I donít know what that meant, but I donít know how she thought I would ever entertain being with her again. Never.
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Old 31st July 2017, 10:52 AM   #53
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Hi Clist!

Fellow Brit here too!

My ex of 5 years split from me in May and things ended a bit sour and i have my suspicions about someone else being there although she hasnt admitted it (you can read my post but it is rather long). Talking on here helped get things off my chest as per my post....

Go NC and keep it like that, no matter how hard it seems it is doing you good. i am around 2 months NC now near enough and i am feeling much better for it.

I am no way over it or her but i feel way better! she even tried to contact me to see how i was about a month ago but ignored them messages.

Keep up the good work and i promise things will get easier! ive found going to the gym has helped me tremendously, i do not think about her ever when i am there and it is helping me physically too!

If you or anyone else wants to get things off their chest, then do it! the forums are here or I will talk to anyone to try and help with my little experience.
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Old 31st July 2017, 11:18 AM   #54
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Don't write anything more to them. To be honest, they don't even deserve the education piece. I plan to let them just think that they're right, and they will keep making the same mistakes in their next relationship. It's not my role to educate them anymore. I will take away the lessons I learn and improve myself and I will be a way better partner for the next person and they won't get to enjoy any of that.

Whereas why should I educate them so they will be a better person? They need to figure that out for themselves. If they were a decent person, they may get to understand how they made someone they supposedly cared about feel - but what is the point now? No point.

Sometimes the best punishment you can give them is indifference - they can go living the way they think is best for them and it'll catch up with them one day or the other. We can move on and live our life the way we want.
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Old 31st July 2017, 11:52 AM   #55
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Hey there,

I feel your pain, I had a 5 year relationship end a few years back because of an affair, I then met someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and she recently left me citing someone else as ONE of the reasons. Even after all of that I still don't think there's anything wrong with me, I just seem to attract these types of women.

I immediately went NC with her, she tried to guilt trip me and keep me around to ease her guilt and to offer a backup plan. People for some reason like to do that when they dump someone. It was SO hard the first while, I went back and forth on wether to reach out and see if she missed me but I didn't. I knew the pain of her not giving me what I wanted would hurt a hell of a lot more than the pain of just not knowing. She's now away in another country until the end of August and it's alleviated a lot of the pressure and wondering. She did message me every week until she left (about meaningless items).

Just go NC, it will hurt like hell but once you get past that initial hurdle you'll feel worlds better and will have saved face and dignity. Don't get me wrong, it's only been 2 months and I still have my down days where i feel a bit lost. It'll be a roller coaster ride and it will test you to your very soul and being, but you'll get through it. Just look to the future and know that brighter days will come. You have friends and you have us here on LS for support.
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Old 31st July 2017, 12:30 PM   #56
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Do NOT send that email, what does it really achieve? She does not love or care about you. If she did, she'd never have acted the way she has. If some random person sent you an email telling you how much you've hurt them etc, you wouldn't be affected because you aren't emotionally attached to them. This is exactly why it won't affect your ex in any way except to give her a feeling of superiority because she's gotten you to react.

Trust me when I say this, the narcissists want your attention whether negative or positive. The best way to "win" is ignore them and move on with your life. Use all your energy to make your life better and not focus on the past. You can't change what's happened but you can affect what will happen.
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Old 31st July 2017, 2:01 PM   #57
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Trust me I know exactly how you feel. Your not alone. If I can try to make you laugh in my situation the moron ended it over text. Lol. There isn't anyone else in my situation, but that toxic name calling stings abit, but I'm slowly starting to value myself, and look at the big picture and say, yep wasn't for me. I wouldn't spend my time writing or replying to anything. Not now. Your still too fragile. Plus what's the point? Too open up old wounds, or too feel crappy again? No way. Work on yourself and listen to the advice of people here. This forum for me, was a God sent. Take care and keep posting, and remember stay strong.
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Old 31st July 2017, 4:20 PM   #58
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This has helped me:

Think of any movie you've ever seen where a protagonist has been at his/her lowest possible point. Think of Rocky or Batman in the Dark Knight Rises or any other reference point that might be more relatable to you.

Identify with that now. That is you. That character was broken, they were defeated, they were lost, they were hopeless, they were reduced to the worst thing next to nothingness. And, yet, they were STILL the main character in the story. The camera didn't shift to someone else whose life was better or more convenient. It lingered on them, because ultimately suffering and hardship - if utilized properly - is the most fascinating, productive thing any of us can endure. It's also, more than anything, the thing that makes us human.

Let go of the idea that you're not at rock bottom. The notion that maybe things aren't so bad or that maybe you can fix things quickly or that maybe things will get better tomorrow...that notion needs to go. You have bottomed out. Let yourself feel that. Your goal now is to look around, take stock of the wreckage, and rebuild yourself into something stronger.

Instead of asking "what can I say to her" ask yourself "what can I do today to make myself a better person?" At this point, live with the fact that everything is lost. All you have is the control you have over yourself. And in that control, everything should come back to one question:

"What kind of person do I want myself to be?"

The ONLY thing that matters now is inching closer to that person every day. Bit by bit, minute by minute, hour by hour. Anything that doesn't help that goal needs to be forgotten. That means reaching out for someone else's validation or making yourself into an annoyance to someone who doesn't care. Because you don't want to be someone else's crutch and you don't want to be an annoyance. You want something more. THAT something is a goal. That goal is all you have. Everything else is gone.

Live in that. And then start moving toward the realization of who you want to be. Before you know it you'll be on your way. And when you are, you'll no longer recognize yourself as the person she walked out on. Trust me, that gives you an immense sense of power and autonomy.
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Old 31st July 2017, 4:24 PM   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stockyoldfrump View Post
This has helped me:

Think of any movie you've ever seen where a protagonist has been at his/her lowest possible point. Think of Rocky or Batman in the Dark Knight Rises or any other reference point that might be more relatable to you.

Identify with that now. That is you. That character was broken, they were defeated, they were lost, they were hopeless, they were reduced to the worst thing next to nothingness. And, yet, they were STILL the main character in the story. The camera didn't shift to someone else whose life was better or more convenient. It lingered on them, because ultimately suffering and hardship - if utilized properly - is the most fascinating, productive thing any of us can endure. It's also, more than anything, the thing that makes us human.

Let go of the idea that you're not at rock bottom. The notion that maybe things aren't so bad or that maybe you can fix things quickly or that maybe things will get better tomorrow...that notion needs to go. You have bottomed out. Let yourself feel that. Your goal now is to look around, take stock of the wreckage, and rebuild yourself into something stronger.

Instead of asking "what can I say to her" ask yourself "what can I do today to make myself a better person?" At this point, live with the fact that everything is lost. All you have is the control you have over yourself. And in that control, everything should come back to one question:

"What kind of person do I want myself to be?"

The ONLY thing that matters now is inching closer to that person every day. Bit by bit, minute by minute, hour by hour. Anything that doesn't help that goal needs to be forgotten. That means reaching out for someone else's validation or making yourself into an annoyance to someone who doesn't care. Because you don't want to be someone else's crutch and you don't want to be an annoyance. You want something more. THAT something is a goal. That goal is all you have. Everything else is gone.

Live in that. And then start moving toward the realization of who you want to be. Before you know it you'll be on your way. And when you are, you'll no longer recognize yourself as the person she walked out on. Trust me, that gives you an immense sense of power and autonomy.
This is a great post. And when you make all those improvements, the person who deserted you when you were at your lowest doesn't deserve to enjoy those improvements - someone BETTER does. Or even just enjoy for yourself. And you'll try your darn best to let anyone take advantage or abuse you at your lowest ever again. And you won't hurt anyone else the same way either.
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Old 31st July 2017, 10:34 PM   #60
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stockyoldfrump - That is wonderful advice. I have read that twice, thoroughly. I mean, yes - I am now at the stage that I am a blank canvas. I can channel all of this energy into being who I want to be, and all WITHOUT an annoying dictator dishing out constant asides. I can be free. Free to get back to who I used to be, without this deep anxiety. Without having panic attacks every night because Iíve been broken up with after a petty argument. Free to go wherever I want without lying about it. Sorry, I went on a tangentÖ youíre right. Make every second count. Thank you. You donít know how much that means to me. This is such a dark time and all of these replies are like little blinking lights at the end of a tunnel.
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