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She is seeing someone else


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 29th July 2017, 3:55 PM   #16
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This has torn my whole world apart. No, she didn't have to remain single until I was over her, and no she didn't owe me any details. What hurts more is the carefree "I'm just having fun!" that she said to me over the phone; the whole way I've been discarded and thrown away. There wasn't even a period of fake amicable breadcrumbs. Not that I want that, but I feel like I've been fast forwarded into the worst part of this. Straight into NC.

She's broken up with me many times. She was emotionally abusive and that was one of her tactics; to punish me it was that or the threat of abandonment. She would always return, and of course with abusive relationships I always thought it would be 'different' that time. So now, with this, where she's actually with someone else...she isn't coming back. That's why I suppose this feels more traumatic. The cycle has been broken for good. She won't come back and 'love bomb' me.

What an unhealthy relationship, yes. I had been trying to get out of it for some time, and deep down I am glad that I can finally move on without being intercepted by her control. She doesn't know where I live (I've recently moved) and doesn't know my number. Can't reach me. That scares me and makes me feel peace in equal measure.

I know that I am feeling the after effects of some kind of trauma bond, where all I want is her to relieve this pain. I know that I've been in an abusive relationship where she completely transformed my way of thinking. But it doesn't stop it from hurting like absolute hell. All I can think of is them sleeping together, kissing, having children.

She told me they went on some sort of all night long date where they went for dinner and a club etc - we never did anything like that. I feel like I was just not good enough for her and now she's gone on to the REAL relationship. The REAL happiness. I honestly don't know how I will get over this. I feel like I've lost my mind.
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Old 29th July 2017, 3:57 PM   #17
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Sorry for the missunderstanding. I haven't noticed you're a woman. Please read carefully what you've written yourself in this quote:

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She is emotionally abusive, controlling, intimidating, and a bully. She has done nothing but hurt me and turn me into a submissive person during the relationship.
So yes, she should have done this with more respect, and in a more appropriate way, without lying. But in the big picture, you may want to thank her for letting you go, something you didn't have the strength to do it yourself.

Sometimes you need to brutally cut yourself from a distractive thing, that ruins you, yet you're emotionally cannot detuch. So you need someone else with a big knife to cut it. And when it's done, it hurts so much, it's bleeding, it's like cutting an organ out of your body. But this organ is damaging you like an infection so it must be cut off.

That is what happened here. When you're in such a pain you cannot think clearly, but believe me - it will heal. It may take some time but it's for the best. You are now a survivor getting out of a dark period in your life. It's good news. Good luck.
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Old 29th July 2017, 4:00 PM   #18
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Sorry for the missunderstanding. I haven't noticed you're a woman. Please read carefully what you've written yourself in this quote:



So yes, she should have done this with more respect, and in a more appropriate way, without lying. But in the big picture, you may want to thank her for letting you go, something you didn't have the strength to do it yourself.

Sometimes you need to brutally cut yourself from a distractive thing, that ruins you, yet you're emotionally cannot detuch. So you need someone else with a big knife to cut it. And when it's done, it hurts so much, it's bleeding, it's like cutting an organ out of your body. But this organ is damaging you like an infection so it must be cut off.

That is what happened here. When you're in such a pain you cannot think clearly, but believe me - it will heal. It may take some time but it's for the best. You are now a survivor getting out of a dark period in your life. It's good news. Good luck.
Thank you for the reply.

I really hope it will heal. I've no doubt that I will become stronger, but I don't know how I will restore trust and faith in relationships. I guess that's another issue to work on. Thank you for your kind words. They really do help and mean a lot to me, even though we have never met.
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Old 29th July 2017, 5:22 PM   #19
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Thank you for the reply.

I really hope it will heal. I've no doubt that I will become stronger, but I don't know how I will restore trust and faith in relationships. I guess that's another issue to work on. Thank you for your kind words. They really do help and mean a lot to me, even though we have never met.
Hi. can you pm me? I know what you a re going through and I'm sorry
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Old 29th July 2017, 5:43 PM   #20
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Hi. can you pm me? I know what you a re going through and I'm sorry
Hi. I don't think I'm able to PM you, I can't seem to find that option
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Old 29th July 2017, 6:07 PM   #21
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Zul, when you ghosted from her life like this how did it feel? Did you feel like contacting her, ever?

You're also right about not knowing. Finding out what I found out was enough for me, I think. Didn't want to know looks or occupation or anything else, as that would have just led to dangerous comparisons.
When I ghosted her from my life; it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Someone that I've talked to daily for 5 years, and at minimum weekly for 10 years was extremely difficult. I cried, I'm not going to hide the fact that I cried for a good hour or so. For the first 5 days, it was like coming down off of a nasty drug; I felt so sick and wanted to message her so bad. So I messaged my friends everything I wanted to message her instead. It felt good to say it, but she never knows what I wanted to say.

"Dangerous Comparisons" you said it best. You will find that ghosting someone feels so much better in the end. --- It goes one of two ways. You either ghost them now and feel 150% pain for a little while... Or you keep on letting them in your life and feel 100% pain forever. It was an easy choice once I figured that out. Now that I'm through about 2 weeks of ghosting her, I would say my pain level goes from 1%-30% or so but gets less and less every day.

If you need anything else, let me know. I'm here for you my friend!
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Old 29th July 2017, 8:25 PM   #22
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I feel quite angry and confused, right now.

I just got an angry email from her, telling me how angry she was that I changed my number ("You changed your number on me so I can't contact you? How do you think that's OK?" etc) and I am genuinely confused. What was I supposed to have done? Is she suggesting that I hung around waiting for her to contact me while she's just told me she's with someone else? Like.... what?

Also, I didn't reply. It just upset me and I don't think what she said there is right. She has not accepted any responsibility for the pain she's caused me and is now trying to play the victim because I did the right thing for myself which is change my number for my own sanity. What is wrong with her?

This is really annoying. I haven't slept for almost 48 hours because of this stress, and now I'm hyped up again. I am trying to give my body some rest and it's like I just can't win. I left her alone and now I'm in the wrong. So she can find someone else AND have me on tap? No.

Last edited by clist8511; 29th July 2017 at 8:29 PM..
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Old 29th July 2017, 8:39 PM   #23
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You just need to make a clean break from her. She's obviously moving on. I'm sorry. I mean, even if she comes back sometimes, is that how you want to live, you break up so she can go date around and then you're waiting for her and accept her back? Not if you have any self-respect.

I know a lot of same-sex unions try to be friends afterwards and some do, if you just broke up it's way too soon to try to just be friends. I mean, she's already telling you about her dates and crap. She's fine with this. She has you on standby as a friend and is dating or doing whatever she does.

Honestly, just make a clean break so you too can move on.
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Old 29th July 2017, 8:49 PM   #24
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You just need to make a clean break from her. She's obviously moving on. I'm sorry. I mean, even if she comes back sometimes, is that how you want to live, you break up so she can go date around and then you're waiting for her and accept her back? Not if you have any self-respect.

I know a lot of same-sex unions try to be friends afterwards and some do, if you just broke up it's way too soon to try to just be friends. I mean, she's already telling you about her dates and crap. She's fine with this. She has you on standby as a friend and is dating or doing whatever she does.

Honestly, just make a clean break so you too can move on.
Hey.

No, what would happen is she would break up with me as a punishment after an argument, then just return in a couple of days. She wasn't sleeping with anyone, I know that for a fact. That was back then, though. That isn't what's happening now.

I must also say that she wore me down as she was an emotionally abusive partner which is why I allowed that; I wasn't thinking straight and was not myself. I know it's not healthy and I am glad to be out of it. I don't want to live like that, no.

We're not trying to be friends. I don't want to be her friend and she doesn't want to be mine. We've only just broken up. She told me she's found someone else and they're already staying at each other's houses. So it has been going on longer than I feel I've been told.

I've changed my number. I have made a total clean break from her. I don't want anything to do with her. I really do want to move on so badly.
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Old 29th July 2017, 9:17 PM   #25
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Clist8511,

I am going to give you similar advice that I would give a guy.
My sister is a lesbian and I would tell her the same thing.

1. There's nothing you can do until the shock/adrenaline has worn off. Stay away from drugs and alcohol.
2. Take some melotonin and get a good night sleep.
3. When you wake up start writing down the the bad things she has ever done to you. Read this each night you go to bed and when you wake up.
4. Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. You need to talk to someone and you need to figure out your issues. There are things in your background/past that are unresolved that are drawing you towards abusive and bad relationships.
5. Fixate on your hobbies
6. Get to the gym, pool, or any form of exercise. Exercise will help relieve stress and it will speed up your recovery.
7. Hang out with your friends and do fun things. They can be completely silly or small as long as they remind you of fun times.
8. Do not contact your ex do not look at her social media.
9. Talk with random people about anything (except your ex). It helps you feel connected to the world and often you'll get insight that enables to look at things a different way.
10. Volunteer and help others. This helps speed up your healing process because it makes you feel good about yourself.
11. Don't date - This is tricky because some people can shed old partner easier by getting with someone else, but most fall to pieces.
12. Make a list of short term, intermediate term, and lead by term goals and devise plans how to reach those goals.
13. Spend time and value your family.
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Old 29th July 2017, 9:54 PM   #26
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@The411 : Thank you. This is really, really helpful. It's easy to read (especially now that my focus is all over the place) and it's achievable. It's just what I need, right now. Thank you so much.

Yes. I am drawn to these negative relationships, and I'm tired of it. These people (including this woman) are awful people. Terrible people. I just don't know what people get out of being so cruel, to be honest.

Last edited by clist8511; 29th July 2017 at 9:56 PM..
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Old 29th July 2017, 10:00 PM   #27
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Hey.

No, what would happen is she would break up with me as a punishment after an argument, then just return in a couple of days. She wasn't sleeping with anyone, I know that for a fact. That was back then, though. That isn't what's happening now.

I must also say that she wore me down as she was an emotionally abusive partner which is why I allowed that; I wasn't thinking straight and was not myself. I know it's not healthy and I am glad to be out of it. I don't want to live like that, no.

We're not trying to be friends. I don't want to be her friend and she doesn't want to be mine. We've only just broken up. She told me she's found someone else and they're already staying at each other's houses. So it has been going on longer than I feel I've been told.

I've changed my number. I have made a total clean break from her. I don't want anything to do with her. I really do want to move on so badly.
Well, she's still being abusive or at least uncaring rubbing her dates in your face. Cut it off with her and block her or whatever so she can't do that. Then tell all your friends you are broken up for good and I bet someone will come forward who might would want to get to know you better. I hope so, anyway. It does happen sometimes. And it's the ones who wait until it's over and didn't try to intrude who have good boundaries.
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Old 29th July 2017, 10:03 PM   #28
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Well, she's still being abusive or at least uncaring rubbing her dates in your face. Cut it off with her and block her or whatever so she can't do that. Then tell all your friends you are broken up for good and I bet someone will come forward who might would want to get to know you better. I hope so, anyway. It does happen sometimes. And it's the ones who wait until it's over and didn't try to intrude who have good boundaries.
That would be very cute, if that happened... but I'm staying on my own for a bit, I think

She's abusive until the very end, she doesn't know how to stop, sadly. I can't lie, I feel scared and lost right now. But there's nothing I can do.
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Old 30th July 2017, 1:33 AM   #29
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That would be very cute, if that happened... but I'm staying on my own for a bit, I think

She's abusive until the very end, she doesn't know how to stop, sadly. I can't lie, I feel scared and lost right now. But there's nothing I can do.
Block her emails and don't respond in any way. She's trying to suck you back in with her self righteous anger.
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Old 30th July 2017, 6:07 AM   #30
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I didn't respond to any emails.

I feel so lost and frightened and hurt - how could someone who I was with for two years completely switch on me, turn against me, tell me they didn't care about our relationship and be so cruel? I genuinely did not do anything to deserve any of this. What is the point of breaking up with me in such a horrible way? I'm quite a gentle soft-spoken person who doesn't really insult anyone, and I didn't deserve any of this. Just because she's found someone else, how does that mean I should just be thrown away?

I can't stop crying because I don't know how I'm going to get through this and I feel so much pain I can't even breathe. I woke up covered in sweat and shaking as soon as I remembered the whole thing. I can't do this
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