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She is seeing someone else


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 28th July 2017, 11:12 PM   #1
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She is seeing someone else

Hi...

I've come to this forum as I don't know where else to turn. My now ex partner (two year long r'ship, both female, she only dated guys before me) broke up with me a mere matter of weeks ago. We'd broken up before so I didn't really TRULY take it seriously. Tonight, we were messaging... she said she couldn't really talk because she was getting ready to go out, and needed to wash her hair. I said OK, when you get in? She replied that she wouldn't be back home until the next morning.

I didn't really think anything of this, but a few hours later I was feeling like something was off, so I asked her if she was seeing someone else. She said yes. So basically, she's seeing someone else and they're already at the point of sleeping over at each other's houses.

This information ended up in me having a panic attack and darting out of the house into a cab to my friend's house two miles away. When I got there she was obviously asleep so I had to come home, and I spent the entire night (and still am) crying, and on the phone to various suicide/depression helplines.

The reason this has hurt me so much is because it's a repeat of a situation that happened in the relationship I was in before her - I was dumped for someone else.

There also seems to be no break between myself and whoever this person is, no cooling off period, nothing. All the false claims of wanting to focus on her career, no time for relationship.

I'm in so much shock that this has happened again, and also that it seems to have been taking place while we were still somewhat involved with each other. She won't tell me who it is or any of that, and I'm not sure I want to know. But I am really, really hurt. I can't sleep. I feel like being sick. She's turned her phone off, so they are obviously in bed together RIGHT NOW which is driving me mad. I can't even shut my eyes for a minute without picturing it all.

I don't know if it's a man or a woman she's with, or where they met, how long etc. All I know is that I am devastated. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. The thought of them being intimate, her being all flirty and happy with someone else when I am here, hurting like this. She doesn't even care. She's turned her phone off to go and be with that person. I'm just a no one, now.

I've been hurt so many times that I just don't even have the energy to get involved with anyone ever again. Is there anyone who can suggest ways in which I can start to get over this, or something. I feel like I've been killed, I'm just sitting here staring into space.

Last edited by clist8511; 28th July 2017 at 11:19 PM..
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Old 28th July 2017, 11:41 PM   #2
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The first step is to not run away from what you're feeling. It's perfectly fine that you are feeling an overwhelming sadness and sense of hurt. This is a devastating situation to go through.

I experienced something similar a few years back, and it was one of the most crushing nights of my life. To know someone I still cared about was likely in bed with another man at that moment was excruciating.

I have no tips on how to rush through this, nor do I think it's something that you can just put a pin in and carry on tomorrow like everything is great.

What I can suggest is that you seek no further information, as tempting as it might be. If I could do it again, I would have let that night be my impetus to totally disconnect from that person for as long as it took me to fully recover. I didn't and my reward for that was finding out additional information and prolonging my healing process.
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Old 28th July 2017, 11:52 PM   #3
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The first step is to not run away from what you're feeling. It's perfectly fine that you are feeling an overwhelming sadness and sense of hurt. This is a devastating situation to go through.

I experienced something similar a few years back, and it was one of the most crushing nights of my life. To know someone I still cared about was likely in bed with another man at that moment was excruciating.

I have no tips on how to rush through this, nor do I think it's something that you can just put a pin in and carry on tomorrow like everything is great.

What I can suggest is that you seek no further information, as tempting as it might be. If I could do it again, I would have let that night be my impetus to totally disconnect from that person for as long as it took me to fully recover. I didn't and my reward for that was finding out additional information and prolonging my healing process.
Hi, thank you for your reply. It is a lifeline to know that someone out there has even read or replied to this.

Regarding the no more info bit - no. I donít want to know. Whoever it turns out to be will only elicit more feelings of pain and will end up with me developing a self-esteem related complex about that type of person, and constant comparison which wonít lead to anything good.

I do feel that now I should detach fully. I just feel so betrayed and so shocked and crushed and obliterated. She was acting as if I shouldnít dare even ask such a thing, as if Iím some sort of stranger (which I realise I am, now). I just donít understand why people do this.
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Old 29th July 2017, 12:08 AM   #4
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So firstly, let me say that I've dealt with similar feelings to yours. I've had two breakups in my life, both situations in which my partner left me. I tried to kill myself after the first breakup and tried again during a rough patch with the girl who recently broke up with me. I understand this trauma and what it feels like to know that you've been rendered invisible or useless.

I think the first thing to do is to remind yourself of who you are as a human being, divorced of all others. This can be something incredibly small thing and, sometimes, it needs to be. If you like watching a particular tv show to quiet you when you're troubled, or if you like eating a certain food, or if you have a way of comforting yourself, do those things immediately. As much as you can, try to remind yourself that you are you, regardless of whether anyone acknowledges you in the way you wish they would right now.

I also think that moping can be a beneficial at some point in the days ahead. Most people will tell you to surround yourself with friends, and this is often good and should ABSOLUTELY be done while you're feeling in any way suicidal. I sometimes find, however, that isolating myself allows me to adopt a "me vs. the world" mentality that helps me restore my confidence in myself. It's this weird reverse psychology, where if you CHOOSE to be the only person that can understand the fight you're undertaking, then the opinions of others no longer matter. You've made the decision to hunker down and do everything you can to get better and it's like you've decided you're the only one strong enough to handle the process. You've become the only person you trust 100%, by choice, and that trust in yourself will allow you to begin looking inwardly in a more affirming way. It also begins to feel like you're depriving other people of your inner self. I think this is important for people who feel incredibly emotionally transparent because it reminds them that they are something special and that to know them is not a right to discard, but a privilege that is sacrificed as folly.

Finally, start to make lists of things you want to improve or change about yourself. Chances are, there are parts of what your ex said to you or did to you that have affirmed something deeper in your own psyche, making it harder for you to accept her decision. Use that. When you're ready, figure out what those things are and go to work on improving them. The more you can turn points of leverage others have over you into points of internal pride/strength, the more you take the sting away. I realized my first girlfriend left me because I didn't have a decent job, and that killed me for months because I had always been insecure about my career. I never really felt better until I was able to use that deep insecurity to provoke change in myself and, once I did address that in even a small way, her criticisms and decision lost a lot of its mental hold on me because I KNEW they were no longer applicable to the person I had become. Sometimes it's more complicated than just getting a job, but I believe the principle is the same. The more you address what hurts about what they did and take time to address that in yourself, the more you can strip away the power from their actions by feeling like they no longer apply to you.

Good luck.
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Old 29th July 2017, 12:55 AM   #5
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Hi...

I've come to this forum as I don't know where else to turn. My now ex partner (two year long r'ship, both female, she only dated guys before me) broke up with me a mere matter of weeks ago. We'd broken up before so I didn't really TRULY take it seriously. Tonight, we were messaging... she said she couldn't really talk because she was getting ready to go out, and needed to wash her hair. I said OK, when you get in? She replied that she wouldn't be back home until the next morning.

I didn't really think anything of this, but a few hours later I was feeling like something was off, so I asked her if she was seeing someone else. She said yes. So basically, she's seeing someone else and they're already at the point of sleeping over at each other's houses.

This information ended up in me having a panic attack and darting out of the house into a cab to my friend's house two miles away. When I got there she was obviously asleep so I had to come home, and I spent the entire night (and still am) crying, and on the phone to various suicide/depression helplines.

The reason this has hurt me so much is because it's a repeat of a situation that happened in the relationship I was in before her - I was dumped for someone else.

There also seems to be no break between myself and whoever this person is, no cooling off period, nothing. All the false claims of wanting to focus on her career, no time for relationship.

I'm in so much shock that this has happened again, and also that it seems to have been taking place while we were still somewhat involved with each other. She won't tell me who it is or any of that, and I'm not sure I want to know. But I am really, really hurt. I can't sleep. I feel like being sick. She's turned her phone off, so they are obviously in bed together RIGHT NOW which is driving me mad. I can't even shut my eyes for a minute without picturing it all.

I don't know if it's a man or a woman she's with, or where they met, how long etc. All I know is that I am devastated. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. The thought of them being intimate, her being all flirty and happy with someone else when I am here, hurting like this. She doesn't even care. She's turned her phone off to go and be with that person. I'm just a no one, now.

I've been hurt so many times that I just don't even have the energy to get involved with anyone ever again. Is there anyone who can suggest ways in which I can start to get over this, or something. I feel like I've been killed, I'm just sitting here staring into space.

He I've been cheated on like 4 times the recent ex we were together 6 yrs said to me where soul mates it'll be me leaving her all bs and then a few myths after we break up btw we work together she starts seeing a work colleague who thankfully has now left and moved to work overseas.

For me I'm taking time out I've lost lot of trust in relationships.
I still have to work with her and it's been difficult long story lol I did write my own thread on it or u wanted to read.

My advice for u would be because u can block her on everything so u don't know what she's up to after the initial shoxj where's off took me a few weeks like u hyperventilating panic attacks because of her. Then focus on healing meditating I found really helpful counselling possibly to help get it off ur chest and fast track the healing.
Most importantly don't run from the feelings but rather feel the feelings . Unfortunately there's no easy fix to really heal accept time but from my own experience depending how u use that time effectively will determine how long it will take. I'm with u on this sharing the same journey. I think ur partner is just very selfish. U need to do the counseling like me to determine why we are attracting the same scenarios
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Old 29th July 2017, 1:04 AM   #6
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Hi...

The reason this has hurt me so much is because it's a repeat of a situation that happened in the relationship I was in before her - I was dumped for someone else.

There also seems to be no break between myself and whoever this person is, no cooling off period, nothing. All the false claims of wanting to focus on her career, no time for relationship.

I'm in so much shock that this has happened again, and also that it seems to have been taking place while we were still somewhat involved with each other. She won't tell me who it is or any of that, and I'm not sure I want to know. But I am really, really hurt. I can't sleep. I feel like being sick. She's turned her phone off, so they are obviously in bed together RIGHT NOW which is driving me mad. I can't even shut my eyes for a minute without picturing it all.

I don't know if it's a man or a woman she's with, or where they met, how long etc. All I know is that I am devastated. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. The thought of them being intimate, her being all flirty and happy with someone else when I am here, hurting like this. She doesn't even care. She's turned her phone off to go and be with that person. I'm just a no one, now.

I've been hurt so many times that I just don't even have the energy to get involved with anyone ever again. Is there anyone who can suggest ways in which I can start to get over this, or something. I feel like I've been killed, I'm just sitting here staring into space.

Well, first of all, like 90% of break-ups involve being left by someone else.

You shouldn't think in terms of "oh she is with someone else". Whether she left for her career or because she is with someone new is truly irrelevant.
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Old 29th July 2017, 12:47 PM   #7
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@stockyoldfrump : Thank you for such a well written out and detailed reply. I donít feel that thereís anything I can add to that except to say that it is a wonderful piece of advice, and I will really take everything you have said on board. Thank you.
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Old 29th July 2017, 12:54 PM   #8
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So...

I managed to get hold of her this morning.

Apparently, this is someone she's known for a long time, they're just 'having fun' and whatever else. I can't really remember what else she said, I have been far too upset to really take it in.

The general tone of her attitude was that I was in someway annoying her, she repeatedly told me that she's just 'living her life!' and that she wants to be 'free' (strange comment, as I have not held anyone prisoner and it was a relationship between two consenting adults). She told me his age, and that was all I found out. I didn't want to find out what he looked like, and I don't care.

She became quite nasty in the end with me. I was very upset and asked her if we could at least meet or talk, and told her that I was devastated. Again, she told me she's just 'living her life!' and 'having fun!'. Let's not forget that we were in a relationship with no visible problems, three weeks ago. So should I or should I not be devastated?

I lost my temper and sent her three messages basically telling her that she has hurt me more than anyone, not just with the meeting someone new, but the whole discarding and cold behaviour. I was quite angry (I don't usually insult her).

I then changed my number for three reasons. 1: To prevent myself from lapsing and contacting her; paying for a number change and exposing the new number to her would be pointless. 2: To prevent any incoming breadcrumbs and 3: To avoid feeling hurt when I DON'T see any messages from her.

I don't know how I am going to manage myself through this. I already feel like calling her or contacting her. I am truly devastated.

Last edited by clist8511; 29th July 2017 at 12:57 PM..
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Old 29th July 2017, 1:30 PM   #9
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I think you should avoid contacting her. Right now you're in shock, trauma, extreme pain, you refuse to accept reality, and I would define you as somone who is not responsible for his decisions and actions. So just do nothing, to prevent mistakes that can damage you further.

She's cold because she wants to be free from your critisizm. If she has to tell you details, and to listen how much she hurts you, while all she does is living her life, well... she's right - It feels like prison.

She lied to you about the reason because she didn't want to hurt you. Usually I prefer people to tell the truth about the reasons, but in your case, if she had told you the truth that time, you could have lost your temper and who knows what.. so she was scared from you, and maybe just defending herself.

I'm telling you traight forward - Reading you makes me think you lost it. You just out of your mind, making so much drama. I know the pain. Girls left me before, and girls cheated on me. I know how you feel and I was like you, obssesive, with almost no self control.

So, get a hold on yourself, stop being so needy just because of some girl, with all do respect. Think about you, about your interest. Stop contacting her. Make youself busy, and start climbing. If you're angry, hit a pillow. Anger is better than whining and crying.
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Old 29th July 2017, 1:36 PM   #10
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I think you should avoid contacting her. Right now you're in shock, trauma, extreme pain, you refuse to accept reality, and I would define you as somone who is not responsible for his decisions and actions. So just do nothing, to prevent mistakes that can damage you further.

She's cold because she wants to be free from your critisizm. If she has to tell you details, and to listen how much she hurts you, while all she does is living her life, well... she's right - It feels like prison.

She lied to you about the reason because she didn't want to hurt you. Usually I prefer people to tell the truth about the reasons, but in your case, if she had told you the truth that time, you could have lost your temper and who knows what.. so she was scared from you, and maybe just defending herself.

I'm telling you traight forward - Reading you makes me think you lost it. You just out of your mind, making so much drama. I know the pain. Girls left me before, and girls cheated on me. I know how you feel and I was like you, obssesive, with almost no self control.

So, get a hold on yourself, stop being so needy just because of some girl, with all do respect. Think about you, about your interest. Stop contacting her. Make youself busy, and start climbing. If you're angry, hit a pillow. Anger is better than whining and crying.
I really appreciate your reply but you've misunderstood.

We are both female. She is emotionally abusive, controlling, intimidating, and a bully. She has done nothing but hurt me and turn me into a submissive person during the relationship.

I lost my temper and swore at her through a text message; she isn't scared of me and has never been scared of me - she was not defending herself. She was being the coldhearted person she has always been.
I just really have to clear that up.

I've also said that the reason this has affected me in this way is because it is an exact copy of something that happened to me two years ago, and it has bought back a lot of negative feelings.

You have no idea what she has done to me during the relationship. This is just the latest pain caused by her.

"She's cold because she wants to be free from your critisizm. If she has to tell you details, and to listen how much she hurts you, while all she does is living her life, well... she's right - It feels like prison." -

I don't agree with this, at all. I'm sorry. Three weeks ago, she was planning to move in with me. You don't get to go from that to suddenly sleeping with someone else, and expect me to be OK with it. I did nothing to her for her to leave the relationship in such a dramatic and hurtful fashion. You don't get to go around hurting people and not expect repercussions. This again is not the first time she has hurt me.


I am not a guy, so punching pillows doesn't work for me, really. I won't contact her. I don't want to be hurt any more. I have changed my number.

But thank you for your reply, I do appreciate you taking the time out to reply it is really helpful.

Last edited by clist8511; 29th July 2017 at 1:49 PM..
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Old 29th July 2017, 2:16 PM   #11
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The best course of action, at least for what I did when I found out that she was dating someone new... I blocked her on my phone, removed her from every social media account that we followed each other on and just decided that if she is moving on, then I am going to make sure that there is nothing that stands in her way. I also distanced myself from the hurt by doing that, so that I don't have to watch them together like some sort of movie. It is better to not know the answers to all of your questions sometimes, because all it does is introduce more hurt into the puzzle.

I know it is difficult, and just learning that news no matter how long is a sting to anyone and I cannot imagine having to relive what I did just a few weeks ago during the moment that she told me she was seeing someone else. At least you know, my ex hid it from me for over 7 months and lied about it the entire time until she felt it was "time" to tell me about him. I will NEVER forgive her for that because telling the truth is the most important thing to me.
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Old 29th July 2017, 2:33 PM   #12
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The best course of action, at least for what I did when I found out that she was dating someone new... I blocked her on my phone, removed her from every social media account that we followed each other on and just decided that if she is moving on, then I am going to make sure that there is nothing that stands in her way. I also distanced myself from the hurt by doing that, so that I don't have to watch them together like some sort of movie. It is better to not know the answers to all of your questions sometimes, because all it does is introduce more hurt into the puzzle.
Zul, when you ghosted from her life like this how did it feel? Did you feel like contacting her, ever?

You're also right about not knowing. Finding out what I found out was enough for me, I think. Didn't want to know looks or occupation or anything else, as that would have just led to dangerous comparisons.
Zul likes this.

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Old 29th July 2017, 3:15 PM   #13
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Please do not contact her again. You seemed to have the right mentality last night, so I was disappointed that you reached out to her today seeking answers. Harsh as it sounds, she doesn't owe you any details about this new person. It's likely she is just trying to mask the pain that comes with the breakup of a long-term relationship.

Going forward, save face. Do not contact her, and definitely do not mine for further information about this person or why she's doing this. No answer will be satisfactory, and will only lead to further questions on your part.
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Old 29th July 2017, 3:29 PM   #14
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Please do not contact her again. You seemed to have the right mentality last night, so I was disappointed that you reached out to her today seeking answers. Harsh as it sounds, she doesn't owe you any details about this new person. It's likely she is just trying to mask the pain that comes with the breakup of a long-term relationship.

Going forward, save face. Do not contact her, and definitely do not mine for further information about this person or why she's doing this. No answer will be satisfactory, and will only lead to further questions on your part.
A lot happened to me during the night, tbh. I didn't sleep at all, and was almost admitted to hospital over a possible mental breakdown (previous anxiety/depression resurfaced and exacerbated by bad news). I have no further intention to contact her, as I've changed my number and don't want to be in this situation dragging on for months on end. I did that the last time this happened to me and it was hell.

No, she doesn't owe me any details. I only wanted to know if it was a male or a female (for my own personal reasons) and where they met. I don't have any interest in anything other than that. She isn't on social media so I can't snoop, which is a blessing.

As for masking the pain; I doubt that. Most of the people I've been romantically involved with have chosen others in the end over me, or never been interested in the first place. It's more likely that she just doesn't want me, and wants someone better. It is always the case with people I have been with.

It is all just such a departure from her regular behaviour. Staying out all night getting drunk, hanging around with this guy so soon after me. She had always maintained that she didn't do rebounds and appeared to be quite a sensible person.That it is already at the staying over stage. That's also why it's such a shock. I trusted that I was worth more to her than to simply replace me in this way. It is a real blow to my core.

Last edited by clist8511; 29th July 2017 at 3:37 PM..
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Old 29th July 2017, 3:42 PM   #15
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I can be completely empathise with your situation. I'm sorry you're hurting and that your ex is such a cold hearted b**ch. You've done the best thing and have gone NC, don't demean yourself by trying to contact her or check up on her again. The person you love is just a figment of your imagination and the best way to kill that figment is focus on the reality of your relationship. Remember all the bad stuff and work on what you want out of life.

You will definitely have days where you can't bare the thought of life without her and want to reach out... But don't! Try to keep yourself occupied and those moments will pass and become fewer. You will be okay, be gentle with yourself.
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