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Seemingly perfect relationship until he broke up and friendzoned me


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Irrelephant

Hey guys, I really need some advice on getting spontaneously broken up with/being friendzoned/receiving mixed signals.

 

So I was dating this guy for about 2.5 months, things were going extremely well (or so I thought), we both seemed to really like each other and kind of seemed to be in the same boat in terms of exes (I had gotten out of a 4.5 year relationship 6 months prior; he had gotten out of a 4 year relationship 7 months prior). We both brought up our exes occasionally but nothing that would have raised any red flags in my eyes. My ex was emotionally abusive so I was certainly glad to be out of those waters, and he had only mentioned negative things about his ex, like that he had been unhappy in their relationship for years.

 

We met on Tinder, and while at first I wasn't sure that I wanted to jump into another relationship, he seemed really keen on becoming exclusive and moving things along. After one month he had made us a "thing", by two months he had said he loves me, and not long after that we slept together. He had met most of my friends and family, we were going on short trips, making future plans, he called us "serious", asked if I wanted to meet his family, etc.

 

The weekend before he broke up with me he had invited me to Montreal to meet his friends. We were getting dinner one of the nights, when he mentioned that the city was reminding him of his ex, and it was "bringing everything back". I wasn't really phased because it didn't seem all that weird to me (some things will always remind you of an ex, that's just life), and I reassured him that it was fine. But I guess it wasn't fine by his standards because the next day he broke up with me as soon as we got off the bus, saying that he needed more time to get over his ex, he wasn't ready to be in another relationship and that it wouldn't be fair of him to "string me along". He also asked if we could continue being just friends...

 

I was obviously distraught at first (he didn't even give me the choice of sticking it out with him, giving him space, or going on a break instead), but then I decided having him as just a friend would be better than nothing at all. So we've been texting since, and even hung out 2 days ago. While we're keeping things platonic, I'm getting sort of mixed signals from him.. he drunk texted once at 3am; said he was "really excited to hang out again"; leaned on my shoulder when we watched videos on my laptop.. I don't really know what's going on. I guess I'm kind of hoping he'll tell me he regrets the breakup and we'll get back together.. but I feel stupid and naive dwelling over someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me enough to actually be with me.

 

I re-downloaded Tinder, trying to get my mind off him and focus on my own life, but it's almost having the opposite effect. I just wish I knew what was going through his mind exactly (is this actually about his ex, or could it be something else entirely that he doesn't have the heart to tell me?).

 

Thoughts??

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Even though you were only together a short while, as the one of the first women he dated after his break up, you were a bit of a rebound. Being with you in a city that reminded him of her made you look like a gap filler to him & made him realize he still wasn't over her. You need to take that at face value.

 

Stop the late night texting & the platonic contact. You want to date him. He doesn't want to date you. Every contact keeps you tethered to him & prevents you from fully healing. Don't be the kid with your nose pressed up against the bakery store window. Put some distance in here for yourself.

 

Focus on positive things in your life. Keep busy. Give yourself a short break from dating while you heal

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Irrelephant

But he seemed to really really like me and he treated me so well :( I'm just really bummed that he ended things without wanting to talk about it. If I gave him some space rather than move on completely, would that just be setting myself up for disappointment? Should I bring this up with him?

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While you are still talking, you can ask him to further explain his motivation. He probably doesn't have the words to give you a direct answer.

 

Holding out hope will only lead to future disappointment.

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Gr8fuln2020
But he seemed to really really like me and he treated me so well :( I'm just really bummed that he ended things without wanting to talk about it. If I gave him some space rather than move on completely, would that just be setting myself up for disappointment? Should I bring this up with him?

 

To be honest, there is no 'BUT.' He doesn't want to be romantically involved with you. He's already told you why he thinks a romantic relationship is not workable. He was not vague. After only three months, I'm not even certain you are entitled to a drawn out conversation regarding this though it would be nice for you.

 

How often does he go back to Montreal? I wonder if he is or has been trying to rekindle his relationship with his ex w/o you being aware. I wonder if that night when he told you that being in Montreal reminded him of his ex (which should never be taken likely) that, in fact, he was with his ex in some capacity.

 

Being friends with him and hanging out only hurts you. If he wanted to get back together HE would let YOU know. For him to hang around is not healthy. BTW, whose idea was it to be remain friends? Who brought up the idea first? And, have the two of you been intimate yet?

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But he seemed to really really like me and he treated me so well :( I'm just really bummed that he ended things without wanting to talk about it. If I gave him some space rather than move on completely, would that just be setting myself up for disappointment? Should I bring this up with him?

 

What is there to talk about? He isn't over his ex-girlfriend.

 

Yes, hanging on will only lead to disappointment. He courted you based on an agenda -- possible rebound to distract him from his pain. He's realized he can't do it anymore. Chances are that when he is healed and looking at dating with a different mindset, you may not be someone he may want to date again and by then you may not even want to date him because you have better and more available prospects.

 

No, you should not bring this up with him. When a man tells you he does not want to be with you, accept and embrace it. Don't hang around, don't ask, don't bargain, don't anything. Self-respect and dignity -- walk away.

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ItStartsFromWithin

Unfortunately huh, it seems you were his rebound. Here are just a few signs that this is, indeed, the case:

* They're already saying, "I love with you," after a month or two; without hardly even knowing you.

*They want to act like a longterm couple even though you just started dated.

* They talk about their ex while with you. IE: the pain and/or shock of the breakup. Or they do things with you, that they had enjoyed doing, with their ex.

*Their interest in you suddenly changes or runs hot and cold.

 

Those are just a few signs, that you are someone's rebound; & a quick google search will enlighten you more on rebounds in general. Truth is, he never had enough time to heal from his last relationship, so I don't think he's quite ready for another one so soon. Good luck sweet girl.

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