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6 months of healing but the pain is back


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FenixRising

Hello,

I have been reading LS a lot the last months but only got the courage to post now.I am just looking for a place to get it off my chest and heal more thoroughly.

 

This is my first breakup I’m 23 and she is 21 (Both girls and both first relationship). I should probably also mention I have had severe depression for a few years and there’s no doubt it would have played a part.I put off counselling for a year, but now I started seeing one last week. I am so looking forward to being healthier and happier!!

 

A bit of background:

 

We both were a bit freaked out about how quickly we bonded online and in person.. and how deeply we connected.. luckily we were honest and able to communicate well with each other and could express any kind of fears, concerns or thoughts. we seemed to be on the same page and there were no mixed signals.

 

I definitely enjoyed hanging out with her often and she also always wanted to hang out + message. We both missed each other after a few hours haha. We would talk for hours every day and fell asleep on the phone every night.

 

 

With her ethnicity and religious family, she was not out as gay and I was known as the friend. We didn’t hang around at her house anymore because there is no way we could have hidden it.

 

I am out to my parents, and they enjoyed seeing her when she was over or hearing about me going out and about with her.

 

After building an exciting relationship for 10 months I didn’t expect things to come to a sudden end the way that it did. We never fought during the relationship and if we were moody we would later talk about it and went back to bliss.

After her trip with her family, she suddenly stopped messaging me, calling and putting off dates. I finally got in touch after begging her to talk, and she was different. I asked if she wanted me to give her space and she just said ‘that is for a talk in person’. I asked what was wrong, and she didn’t really know what to say. And then I asked if she still loved me. But she was silent.

 

 

 

She messaged on FB a month later: “I don’t think it’s going to work” we set up a day to talk.So end of January:

“Are you sick?

“No

“Did I get you in trouble?”

“No, nothing like that

..

She then went on to say “Please know it wasn’t you, you didn’t do anything wrong. There’s no one else, it’s just… me” and that she no longer saw a future with me, she was extremely unhappy in life with career, etc. and wanted to find herself again.

Me: “Are you sure there is nothing I can do… or if we can work through this together?”

“No... you deserve someone who didn’t treat you like I did.”

 

“Can we still talk?

“Of course we can”

Me: “Actually maybe it’s best that we don’t talk for a while”

 

 

Blocked on the BU day on Facebook, I blocked her on instagram, We never emailed..the only place is a blog media site. As naive as it sounds, I still can’t bring myself to block her on there, I really can’t face the fact of cutting all ties. I guess seeing her blog I was desensitising myself to everything...I felt much stronger months later when facing the fact that yes she doesn’t want to be with me and that she will want to date others soon.

 

So NC for two months+

I felt healed enough to at least talk to new people, get out and socialise… I ended up connecting really well with an older girl, and we dated. I was slowly moving on and being happier again but the new relationship became super controlling so I decided to leave them after communicating about it, trying new things, but nothing changed and I was feeling trapped.

 

 

My mind and heart keeps reminding me of how good my first ex was and our relationship was.

I feel so hypocritical and greedy to want the first ex still, I guess they had a huge impact on my life and I never expected an ending especially without any kind of communication or expression of their unhappiness with me during the relationship.

 

So I am single again I am not looking to rush into anything. no matter how much I feel I’m finally moving on, I keep being drawn to my first ex. (or the ghost of the relationship more like it).

 

I’ll be completely honest though, I did break strict NC after 2 months and looked at their media.

Eg.

  1. About an event (not an invite) they replied neutrally as well.
  2. Wished them happy easter.
  3. But a month or two later I caved and messaged “I miss you” on a social media (not insta, FB, or twitter).
  4. They were having a crap month and i messaged hoping they were ok.
    Then they messaged me but thought I told them not to contact me (which I did on the day of breakup)
  5. I replied about it and glad they were ok.

 

Now I am on a stricter NC this time (not going to look into anything), and trying to start healing process again, because it really hurts.

 

 

Tl;DR:

  • Two Girls in 20s in first love, talking everyday and all night for 10 months, one stopped messaging, avoiding calling, wanting to hang out.
  • Dumper became unhappy and didn’t know how to express/ kept it in for a while
  • Broke up eventually and blocked dumpee
     
  • Dumpee went NC straight away… moving on.. Then established LC to show I still care and want to talk again.
  • Dumpee falls into trap of looking at ex media.
  • Dumpee is confident enough to look after own health and date.
  • Dumpee asks if dumper is ok after a bad month.
  • LC and dumper messages dumpee “pretty obvious it was a *** day at work. i thought you didn’t want to talk, why are you talking then. Hope you are well.”
  • Dumpee messages saying I did want to talk. Glad you are ok.
  • Month later Dumpee is struggling like it is the first/ second months of BU

 

Thanks for reading my long post, and yeah I’m not going to hide breaking NC at all because I’d rather be honest despite how silly I feel about my 1st breakup.

 

Do you have any thoughts or advice about:

  • a first love/breakup coming back into your mind
  • how to stay strong from not looking at social media
  • accepting that the relationship is dead and that the ex has changed from the person you loved
  • accepting that they now want to be with a new love
  • Taking them off that dang pedestal and being so nice to them lol!
  • and if it was ghosting?

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bluefeather

Hi, welcome to LS.

 

I didn't see any ghosting from anyone here. Ghosting is when you develop a connection and then just vanish without a word, and never reply to anything. It's as if the person completely disappeared and it can be very hurtful. But if you let them know that you are starting NC, like when you said, “Actually maybe it’s best that we don’t talk for a while,” you stopped it from being called ghosting, which is a good thing.

 

It's difficult to describe any kind of quick fix for this kind of experience. Many will say that time is a great healer, and it is true, but time and learning about healthy relationships is a greater combination than time alone. Read the forum, read books about relationships, and learn about yourself and what it is you are really looking for in a partner. As good as you think you once had it, there is better still. That is my advice.

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FenixRising
Hi, welcome to LS.

 

It's difficult to describe any kind of quick fix for this kind of experience. Many will say that time is a great healer, and it is true, but time and learning about healthy relationships is a greater combination than time alone. Read the forum, read books about relationships, and learn about yourself and what it is you are really looking for in a partner. As good as you think you once had it, there is better still. That is my advice.

 

 

 

Hi bluefeather, thank you for the welcome and for responding to my post :)

 

I will use time well and get into some books, learning and questioning like you recommend. I am looking forward to learning more about myself during the process and hanging around the LS community.

 

 

I didn't see any ghosting from anyone here. Ghosting is when you develop a connection and then just vanish without a word, and never reply to anything.

 

I should probably clarify if this part

After her trip with her family, she suddenly stopped messaging me, calling
was ghosting before the breakup...

Or would you say it was more of a case of her trying to detach before/making the decision and working out feelings?

 

I really loved your quote:

As good as you think you once had it, there is better still.
What a great thing to look forward to. I really needed that. Thanks again :)
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FenixRising

Hey everyone :)

I have been using the time since my post to get to know me again, look for more positive quotes, and keep upbeat through comedy, exciting/ non-breakup music. I finally feel as though that deep dip has finished and now the mood slope is on the rise again. I am trying my best to remain in an optimistic mood, stay on social media that promotes this.

 

I was able to open up to my therapist about the relationship and breakup for the first time. Their session really made it feel like I was digging up the past, but very well needed.

That was the first time I've ever cried in a session with a Psychologist... I realised, that I never opened up to friends about it. I have kept it to myself.

 

I'd love to share this quote that really hit home and reminded me that the process is human. hehe

 

"Why does it hurt so much?"

"It hurts because it really meant something"

 

 

How about you, is there a friend that you go to to help you grieve, or are you someone who has kept things to yourself?

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bluefeather

I should probably clarify if this part was ghosting before the breakup...

"After her trip with her family, she suddenly stopped messaging me, calling"

Or would you say it was more of a case of her trying to detach before/making the decision and working out feelings?

 

I would say unless there was complete ignoring of your reaching out, it sounds more like detaching, as you said. If you want a more detailed explanation, here is the long version{}:

 

{Ghosting is more about completely ignoring, rather than just not communicating. So if you say "stopped messaging me, calling," that again does not sound like ghosting. From that statement, it sounds like you are saying that she did not attempt to reach out to you. That could just mean that neither of you is attempting to communicate with eachother. But if you throw in one extra word, it could turn into the beginning of a ghost. And that word is "back." For example: "stopped messaging me back, stopped calling me back." I went to re-read your quote, and the end of it says that she was also "putting off dates." That leads me to believe that there was at least some communication, though it was probably sporadic. So from that, I would say that she was trying to drift away or, as some people like to call it, "slow fade."}

 

To cut through all of this analysis, the point is that she made a choice to not have you in her life anymore. And I don't say that to bring a bad feeling up. It is more to warn you against the dangers of over-thinking about certain things. Sometimes when people go through a breakup, they focus a lot on the breakup process (the why's and how's of the past), and less focus on what to do now (the healing and moving on of the present). Yes, all parts of this process are very human, but I would change the quote to this:

 

"Why does it hurt so much?"

"It hurts because I thought I needed her."

 

And the truth is that you don't.

 

Now let that sink in for a bit. That is not a quote for boosting anyone's ego, or to spite your ex. It is to bring a great realization that you do not need the affection of this person in order to validate your existence. It can be very empowering to understand that.

 

Personally, I am very closed up. Many of my issues, I deal with alone and in deep contemplation... lots of inner-dialogues, reading, writing, meditation, and prayer. But there are times when the problem is so big, that it is difficult for me to handle on my own, and that is when I will reach out to other people or places for help. The day I came to this site was one of those times.

Edited by bluefeather
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  • 3 weeks later...
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So from that, I would say that she was trying to drift away or, as some people like to call it, "slow fade."

 

To cut through all of this analysis, the point is that she made a choice to not have you in her life anymore. And I don't say that to bring a bad feeling up. It is more to warn you against the dangers of over-thinking about certain things. Sometimes when people go through a breakup, they focus a lot on the breakup process (the why's and how's of the past), and less focus on what to do now (the healing and moving on of the present). Yes, all parts of this process are very human, but I would change the quote to this:

 

"Why does it hurt so much?"

"It hurts because I thought I needed her."

 

And the truth is that you don't.

 

Now let that sink in for a bit. That is not a quote for boosting anyone's ego, or to spite your ex. It is to bring a great realization that you do not need the affection of this person in order to validate your existence. It can be very empowering to understand that.

 

Hey again Bluefeather, I really appreciate the in depth reply! thank you. You've helped me see some things a lot clearer. It really is a challenge for an over-thinker like myself to bring back my presence to the now rather than the 'why and how' of the past.

 

You are totally right, I thought I needed her. But I don't. If I lived happily before her, I can live happily after her. I am going write that adjusted quote down especially for the tough days.

 

I've noticed another reason I keep seeming to want validation is because this was the thing I put 100% into, rather than get a better image of self from multiple sources like myself, then family and friends. She was my whole world and I isolated myself. I definitely lost myself a bit along the way so I'm trying to find her hehe.

 

Personally' date=' I am very closed up. Many of my issues, I deal with alone and in deep contemplation... lots of inner-dialogues, reading, writing, meditation, and prayer. But there are times when the problem is so big, that it is difficult for me to handle on my own, and that is when I will reach out to other people or places for help. The day I came to this site was one of those times.[/quote']

 

I really feel you. It's like you are an expert of yourself- you know all the ins-and-outs of your mind, emotions, actions. I am glad that you reached out when you realised it was difficult. Are you also an introvert?

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Hi FenixRising, no problem. I'm happy if anything I can say is helpful :) I understand what you mean about losing yourself in a relationship/other person. That is a problem I have also struggled to overcome in the past. I think it's an easy trap to fall into without even realizing it, but once the dust settles, it's kind of like recovering from amnesia, and all of these pleasant memories of who we used to be can return. A healthy relationship will help strengthen these parts of ourselves, not wipe them away. That is how I see it, anyway.

 

As for myself, thanks for saying that, but I still have moments of uncertainty just like anyone else. I had to make many mistakes in my life to get to where I am today, and will probably continue to do so. But I try very hard to learn from them, always. I think I would consider myself introverted, yes, and maybe that is how I came to be so self-analytical. There are random days where I will go completely out of my shell, though, so I don't know what to make of that. =P Sometimes people throw out the word intro-extrovert, so maybe there's that.

 

Hope you're doing better these days :bunny:

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How about you, is there a friend that you go to to help you grieve, or are you someone who has kept things to yourself?

 

 

Yes I'm lucky I have 2 very special friends that let me air my feelings especially my best friend he knows me well enough that it takes me quiet some time to heal and even though I know he has his own take on this he is very patient wth me and listens I'm lucky to have a friend like him.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Hello again :D

 

Thanks BlueFeather and Goodguy05, how have you been?

 

Hi FenixRising, no problem. I'm happy if anything I can say is helpful :) I understand what you mean about losing yourself in a relationship/other person. That is a problem I have also struggled to overcome in the past. I think it's an easy trap to fall into without even realizing it, but once the dust settles, it's kind of like recovering from amnesia, and all of these pleasant memories of who we used to be can return. A healthy relationship will help strengthen these parts of ourselves, not wipe them away. That is how I see it, anyway.

 

As for myself, thanks for saying that, but I still have moments of uncertainty just like anyone else. I had to make many mistakes in my life to get to where I am today, and will probably continue to do so. But I try very hard to learn from them, always. I think I would consider myself introverted, yes, and maybe that is how I came to be so self-analytical. There are random days where I will go completely out of my shell, though, so I don't know what to make of that. =P Sometimes people throw out the word intro-extrovert, so maybe there's that.

 

Hope you're doing better these days :bunny:

 

I definitely agree that now things have settled a bit more (especially my emotions lol) it is easier to sort through and find who I used to be before.

 

This week my challenge is to do hobbies that I love even though my ex loved to do them with me too. I want to remove the bitter taste associated with them and do it for my own enjoyment. I've noticed that the feelings I had when visiting locations we had for dates have been becoming more pleasant and less disappointing. It's a huge world after all and I should feel free to go anywhere I enjoy going.

 

You might be an ambivert, that's pretty handy and flexible to be in different situations :) Did you reward yourself (or cheer for yourself I suppose) when you go out of your shell? And did it take a little while to gain confidence back?

 

Yes I'm lucky I have 2 very special friends that let me air my feelings especially my best friend he knows me well enough that it takes me quiet some time to heal and even though I know he has his own take on this he is very patient wth me and listens I'm lucky to have a friend like him.

 

That is really awesome! I think it is also good that you and your friend know that it takes you time to heal, you are allowing the grieving process to move naturally rather than rushing through it.

 

Do you have any favourite mantras or quotes about healing? :)

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Hello FenixRising, it is nice to hear from you again. I am glad to know that you are continually doing better. I am alright. I went through a personal struggle with my family, but things have been getting better recently and that makes me grateful.

 

It's good that you are now feeling up to going back to old places. That can be a challenge. As for rewarding or cheering for myself when I come out of my shell, no, not really. But maybe that is because I don't see that action as something that needs to be done and I am begrudgingly trying to do it. What I meant was that I occasionally get a burst of emotions... be they excitement, curiosity, or just a strange case of wanting to be social. It is not really something that is controlled by me, or at least it doesn't feel that way. I can liken it to being inside a cocoon for a long time, and then at a certain time, I just become a social butterfly. Then when I've had my fill, back into the cocoon I go. :p

 

When confidence takes a hit, yeah, it takes a while to rebuild. As I have experienced more relationships, though, the recovery process seems clearer now. I think a big part of it has to do with acceptance.

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My god ! your story reminded me so much of mine ! It was like déjà-vu ! Even the way you talk that you didn’t open up to your friends at first or the way you acted during the break up ( same for your ex behavior ) is so much similar to my story ! Or that you have lost yourself in the relationship !

 

The fact that we are over thinkers so we waste a lot of time in trying to figure out where it went wrong instead of the recovery process. And the funny thing is that we were the ones so ready to give all to make it work and they who held back for “ ****ty “ reasons and in the end we are the ones who are doing soul searching , gain mental clarity and self development when it should be completely the opposite haha I’m sure ( at least for me situation ) that my ex simply enjoys the single life, never thinking about what she has lost and just feeling the present.

 

The only difference is that I so can’t live with the idea that there is no hope at all we will never be back together…. That She will never be the nice girl she used to be for a long time before changing into a narcissist & egocentric & arrogant human being….. LOL It’s 3 months we broke up and I still find so difficult to focus on my life without her by my side ; (

 

When we broke up she was talking to me normally for like a week and then I asked for some space because it was too much to bear…. After a month she contacted me and we kept talking casually for a couple of weeks until she freaks out that for her the relationship is finished and she was convinced I was trying to get her back ! Which was a little bit true haha but I was just trying to create a positive environment… and I have ALWAYS been telling her that I missed her but I didn’t want the relationship back because I can recognize on my own there was a lot of tension in the end. So after that I explained that I was offended and blablabla because of her assumptions, she wanted to call to apologize and explain herself but I asked for more space for both…to chill….

 

So now it’s a week we’re not in touch anymore but it hurt me so much that after almost 3 months she just got more and more convinced of her decision…. There was some tension and yeah…we had issues but nothing so bad at all….

 

I do have nice quotes anyway that keep me inspired ! And i would love to share those with you:

 

" I'm just making the conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial so that i can deal with them in the most productive way "

 

" Love or Fear. Choose Love and don't let ever fear turns you against your playful heart ".

 

" Take a chance on faith, not religion but faith, not hope but faith. Hope is a beggar, it walks through fire while faith leaps over it. "

 

" Bad things happen. That's not negotiable. What is it's how you deal with it ".

 

xoxo

JaneD

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  • 5 weeks later...
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Hello FenixRising, it is nice to hear from you again. I am glad to know that you are continually doing better. I am alright. I went through a personal struggle with my family, but things have been getting better recently and that makes me grateful.

 

It's good that you are now feeling up to going back to old places. That can be a challenge. As for rewarding or cheering for myself when I come out of my shell, no, not really. But maybe that is because I don't see that action as something that needs to be done and I am begrudgingly trying to do it. What I meant was that I occasionally get a burst of emotions... be they excitement, curiosity, or just a strange case of wanting to be social. It is not really something that is controlled by me, or at least it doesn't feel that way. I can liken it to being inside a cocoon for a long time, and then at a certain time, I just become a social butterfly. Then when I've had my fill, back into the cocoon I go. :p

 

When confidence takes a hit, yeah, it takes a while to rebuild. As I have experienced more relationships, though, the recovery process seems clearer now. I think a big part of it has to do with acceptance.

 

Hey Bluefeather, happy to hear you have been going ok through that personal struggle with family, I hope it continues to get better :)

 

You are sure right about it being a challenge.

 

haha i see, you ran with the emotions, had your social butterfly flight and were content.

 

I didn't realise how much growing/ healing I did until other relationships did their course. I felt similar as you mentioned- that the recovery process is a bit clearer. Less scary I suppose too. We are expert rebuilders of ourselves :)

 

Take care

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My god ! your story reminded me so much of mine ! It was like déjà-vu ! Even the way you talk that you didn’t open up to your friends at first or the way you acted during the break up ( same for your ex behavior ) is so much similar to my story ! Or that you have lost yourself in the relationship !

 

The fact that we are over thinkers so we waste a lot of time in trying to figure out where it went wrong instead of the recovery process. And the funny thing is that we were the ones so ready to give all to make it work and they who held back for “ ****ty “ reasons and in the end we are the ones who are doing soul searching , gain mental clarity and self development when it should be completely the opposite haha I’m sure ( at least for me situation ) that my ex simply enjoys the single life, never thinking about what she has lost and just feeling the present.

 

The only difference is that I so can’t live with the idea that there is no hope at all we will never be back together…. That She will never be the nice girl she used to be for a long time before changing into a narcissist & egocentric & arrogant human being….. LOL It’s 3 months we broke up and I still find so difficult to focus on my life without her by my side ; (

 

When we broke up she was talking to me normally for like a week and then I asked for some space because it was too much to bear…. After a month she contacted me and we kept talking casually for a couple of weeks until she freaks out that for her the relationship is finished and she was convinced I was trying to get her back ! Which was a little bit true haha but I was just trying to create a positive environment… and I have ALWAYS been telling her that I missed her but I didn’t want the relationship back because I can recognize on my own there was a lot of tension in the end. So after that I explained that I was offended and blablabla because of her assumptions, she wanted to call to apologize and explain herself but I asked for more space for both…to chill….

 

So now it’s a week we’re not in touch anymore but it hurt me so much that after almost 3 months she just got more and more convinced of her decision…. There was some tension and yeah…we had issues but nothing so bad at all….

 

I do have nice quotes anyway that keep me inspired ! And i would love to share those with you:

 

" I'm just making the conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial so that i can deal with them in the most productive way "

 

" Love or Fear. Choose Love and don't let ever fear turns you against your playful heart ".

 

" Take a chance on faith, not religion but faith, not hope but faith. Hope is a beggar, it walks through fire while faith leaps over it. "

 

" Bad things happen. That's not negotiable. What is it's how you deal with it ".

 

xoxo

JaneD

 

Hey JaneD,

 

Thanks for your reply and great quotes :)

How are you doing another month on?

 

I think it's fairly setting being an overthinker, it's our way of sorting through the rubble. When we realise 'wow there really wasn't much on my end that contributed to the demise' it's reassuring to know there was nothing we did 'wrong' or that we gave up during the relationship.

 

I really feel for you in how the girl you loved changed. If you still continue to have that feeling of wanting her by your side maybe listen to it. I am almost 9-months post and I can still feel the 'it would be nice to be with her' By 'her' I mean the person she was in our relationship.

 

Right now, be the person you'd love to be as hard as it is not having her and her messages. You will improve so much if you continue having the self-respect (like you have) and the boundaries of no contact.

 

Gosh I can also relate to how you went out of your way to create that positive environment! It ended up with a similar reaction haha. Unfortunately, no matter how genuine we are, as a dumpee they will most likely jump to "what is her agenda?".

 

It makes you think, "come on, I thought you know me, girl" but also, makes you think, how much do I really know them- afterall I didn't know that they would breakup etc.

 

I think you should definitely not beat yourself up for showing vulnerability despite what happened. Keep putting love into the world, however, direct that now away from your ex, and toward yourself and others.

 

The fear is still there for me what if I lose contact completely. But it's 9 months later and we have not blocked eachother on everything.

 

I tightened my no contact to absolutely no looking on anything and no messaging on anything. (this is the longest streak) 110 days! This has led to a lot of healing. I'm giving the attention that would have been on her to myself and new friends and hobbies.

Keep your love open to those who are open to receive it.

 

Stay strong, JaneD!

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The way you talk is so beautiful and inspiring ! Thank you so much for your kind words and to empathize.

 

I feel like nobody understands.....so disconnected from all around me... all my friends say that i should have moved on long time ago because she was not right for me... i'll see a therapist in a couple of days ^^ maybe he will help me to sort it out. I've realized i can't on my own.

 

Congrats for your absolutely no contact period haha GOOD GIRL ! I know it's super hard. We will never know how they feel on their side.

 

Last time i spoke to my ex,some days ago, i noticed that it seems like we talk just to update each other about our lives...never to reconnect or just laugh....what would be wrong with that...so now i'm doing no contact again and i swear God i won't break it until i won't be heal. I did the same mistake of coming back contacting her when i was feeling a bit better too many times....and how many other times do i need to not give up..... the prank of being a good person i suppose.

 

I have understood it was the best choice to break up, you never fought with your ex but i did that a lot and same time i still see potential in having her as a friend because i wasn't a happier person but i was a better one. I need to give up on this too haha

 

She told me she got a new girl ( in another continent -.-" ) ..... the one that after me told me she was never getting in another long distance relationship got a girl not from another state but another continent.... so annoying for me. I'm back in the crazy mood to check on her... it makes me angry like she has found another girl so quickly. I don't know how to do that and same time i know that i need so much to become emotionally independent and start to live my life again.

 

" It makes you think, "come on, I thought you know me, girl" but also, makes you think, how much do I really know them- afterall I didn't know that they would breakup etc. "

 

This was a brilliant thing to say ! I can really hear from your words that you have healed... you're such a light <3

 

Let me tell you that your ex is childish .... i read again your post and i can't believe that after months you contacted her for asking how she was doing and she was so hateful to you.... unbelievable ! I think she really has troubles with herself....so basically you never speak ? I don't think she will ever block you... she is not mean, she just lives with other values....she probably was scared of real commitment or doesn't use her mind in relationships but she just goes with feelings.....and feelings are never enough in relationships.

 

Love is a choice that you amazingly make everyday.

 

I'm surprised she didn't reach out to you yet.... i mean BETTER FOR YOU but she is a stubborn one.

 

Keep fighting the good fight then Fenix <3

Let me know in some weeks how you are doing so we can help each other in this recovery journey <3

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