She's Hot and She's Cold

[Knight23]

And I'm too damn old to be dealing with this...(well, not really).

 

Man, it has been a LONG time since I've been on here. I've been able to manage on my own, and go with the flow even if my decisions were just straight up stupid. And all in all, life has been pretty good.

 

But, a couple of months ago, certain things changed. Admittedly, it all started due to another idiotic decision on my part...bear with me folks. This is a long one. Apologies in advance.

 

You see, an ex-girlfriend of mine had sent me a message about a year or so ago, apologizing for everything she had put me through, then ended it by saying that she'd understand if I didn't reply back to her. So I didn't. At that time, the wounds were still too fresh. She broke up with me, and it wasn't at all clean. Took me ages to finally stop being so angry....

 

Hell, I was surprised she actually even apologized to me in the first place (took her months to do so), because it just didn't seem like she gave a **** when it happened.

 

Fast forward to around May of this year. It's been ages since we've last talked to each other, and it felt like I'd finally moved on. I had dated here and there, hung out with friends, got a new job. It was a whole new chapter in my life.

 

So I don't know what the hell came over me one night. I just suddenly remembered her message to me, and I was overcome with this overwhelming sense of guilt. I'll admit that I was a bit drunk, but I don't think that's much of an excuse...

 

It came out of nowhere, and I soon found myself thinking about her, wondering what she had been doing this whole time, and feeling terrible for ignoring her message so long ago.

 

Stupid Pt. 1: I decided to look her up on Facebook. Lo and behold, there she was. She really didn't change much physically. Just looking at a photo brought back so many memories, and old feelings were coming back...

 

Stupid Pt. 2: I ended up sending her an apology of my own, saying that it wasn't all her fault, and that my immaturity played a big role in our downfall. Clicked send, then left to go to bed. Considering how long ago it had been, I highly doubted that she'd respond.

 

But, she actually did....and we started talking again.

 

Turns out she has a new boyfriend, and that she had moved. A lot of things had changed for her as well.

 

I was happy for her. She just generally seemed healthier and more free-spirited. At first, I thought talking to her would be pretty awkward, but we settled into a friendship rather quickly, like nothing had happened at all.

 

Then, around the middle of June, she starts ranting about wanting to go home, how she's stressing out again and that her boyfriend really isn't helping matters.

 

That...image I had of her, being happier and more carefree....I don't know, it just started to unravel, and I realized that she hadn't changed as much as I thought she did......

 

It went on like this for a couple of weeks. She would complain, I'd tell her that she's doing just fine and that she'd be alright. I kept the wording as neutral as possible.

 

Then, things took an odd turn about 2 weeks ago. She suddenly told me she missed me. That was it. That was all she said. I honestly wasn't completely sure if there were any underlying romantic implications to it, but it felt like there was SOMETHING. So, I went neutral again, and asked how she was doing. We hadn't talked for a couple of days. I threw in several emojis to try and make it seem less serious.

 

...I suppose it worked, because now her responses to me have been rather curt. I've dated her before, and I shouldn't be surprised by this (she can be one cold lady).

 

I just want to know what's going on. Everything just seems so random and screwed up.....I had realized a while ago that I still held feelings for her, but for obvious reasons, following THAT path doesn't seem like a good idea. Not only does she have a boyfriend, a repeat of past events just doesn't sit well with me.....

 

Seriously, what just happened? Did I take the wrong approach? Did I somehow manage to offend her?....I'm just confused, and feeling dumber than ever before.

 

For those of you who managed to make it to the end of this, thank you. I really appreciate it.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

That's the problem with reconnecting with an ex. Unless it is mutually platonic, there is always the possibility that someone will get the wrong idea or hurt feelings.

 

It doesn't sound like she had any romantic intent, but she made it pretty clear that she is missing home, so she was probably feeling a bit nostalgic and looking for comfort in something familiar.

 

However, I think now she has realized her mistake so she is keeping things very neutral with you. Also, things may have improved with her situation (getting along better with her boyfriend etc) you just don't know.

 

It may be difficult to admit, but it sounds like you clearly can't keep things platonic with her. For your own sake, you need to stop communicating with her and move on.

 

It can be hard, but sometimes it is better to leave things in the past and let go.

[Knight23]

That's the problem with reconnecting with an ex. Unless it is mutually platonic, there is always the possibility that someone will get the wrong idea or hurt feelings.

 

It doesn't sound like she had any romantic intent, but she made it pretty clear that she is missing home, so she was probably feeling a bit nostalgic and looking for comfort in something familiar.

 

However, I think now she has realized her mistake so she is keeping things very neutral with you. Also, things may have improved with her situation (getting along better with her boyfriend etc) you just don't know.

 

It may be difficult to admit, but it sounds like you clearly can't keep things platonic with her. For your own sake, you need to stop communicating with her and move on.

 

It can be hard, but sometimes it is better to leave things in the past and let go.

 

I'm trying, but I'm getting sucked into it again. I don't even know why I still have feelings for her, after everything that had happened before.

 

The thing is, she's still complaining ON her Facebook openly, but she doesn't seem willing to discuss things with me anymore.

 

I don't want to sound like the stereotypical dumb male here, but...her attitude just feels like such a turnaround. I want to try blocking her, but that seems a bit petty on my end.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Blocking her wouldn't be petty, it's called self preservation.

 

You can't help caring. You have history together. It is completely understandable given the circumstances.

 

The thing is, you really don't need (or deserve) to be caught up in her drama. She only cares about her own situation right now.

 

Put your feelings and needs first.

[abitsilly]

She wanted you to say you missed her too. She was testing the ground and it seems she didn't get the reply she was after.

[ExpatInItaly]

She wanted you to say you missed her too. She was testing the ground and it seems she didn't get the reply she was after.

 

Exactly.

 

She got her shorts in a knot when she realized you aren't going to stroke her ego like that.

 

I would also block her, to preserve your sanity. She's someone else's girlfriend so getting involved with her on any level really isn't smart.

[Knight23]

Exactly.

 

She got her shorts in a knot when she realized you aren't going to stroke her ego like that.

 

I would also block her, to preserve your sanity. She's someone else's girlfriend so getting involved with her on any level really isn't smart.

 

I hope it wasn't a case of ego. I've been trying not to think too badly of her, because I'll just end up in a similar mindset to when we broke up. It was a terrible time for me.

 

Problem is...I wanna say it was innocent, but I can't do that either....

 

Anyway, thanks everyone for your responses. I get what I have to do. It's going to feel weird cutting off contact with her again, but as one of you mentioned: sell-preservation.

[MarvelFan1]

I had my ex apologize to me after the break up in a message, and I also said that it was partly me to blame too, for not speaking up sooner about how she was treating me. I felt like I had to pander to her a bit, just so it didn't seem like I was blaming her solely, even though it was her treating me how she did, that lead to me breaking up with her.

 

She ended the message saying I will always have a special place in her heart and that I don't need to reply. And I didn't. 7 weeks now NC, and I haven't heard a peep from her, so I assume she is healing and moving on just fine, but lord knows I've had days where I've come close to messaging her, but I have had my family remind me how bad it would be, plus my gut is telling me not too... Yet I still wonder if she will message me again...

[Knight23]

I had my ex apologize to me after the break up in a message, and I also said that it was partly me to blame too, for not speaking up sooner about how she was treating me. I felt like I had to pander to her a bit, just so it didn't seem like I was blaming her solely, even though it was her treating me how she did, that lead to me breaking up with her.

 

She ended the message saying I will always have a special place in her heart and that I don't need to reply. And I didn't. 7 weeks now NC, and I haven't heard a peep from her, so I assume she is healing and moving on just fine, but lord knows I've had days where I've come close to messaging her, but I have had my family remind me how bad it would be, plus my gut is telling me not too... Yet I still wonder if she will message me again...

 

Yeah, this sounds a lot like what had happened to me. The difference is we've been separated for far longer.

 

You'll be fine man. Hope I will be too. I can't deny that a part of me still loves her, but trying will only cause more pain. Hell, I regret sending her that message in the first place. Still don't know what got into me....

[MarvelFan1]

Yeah, this sounds a lot like what had happened to me. The difference is we've been separated for far longer.

 

You'll be fine man. Hope I will be too. I can't deny that a part of me still loves her, but trying will only cause more pain. Hell, I regret sending her that message in the first place. Still don't know what got into me....

Hey man, don't beat yourself up. I did the same thing.

 

We have been separated for 11 weeks, and after 3/4 weeks I broke NC, saying about fixing us and getting back together etc, and I was stone cold sober!! I just missed her so much. And once the realization set in a few hours later what I had gotten myself in to, I promptly back tracked and said that it wouldn't be a good idea.

 

I felt like crap for getting her hopes up when she was healing, but until I made the mistake, I didn't realize what I was doing until I did it. I had to remind myself I broke up with her because I didn't love her, but I still wanted her. Like they say, there is a difference between 'want' and 'need'.

 

So here we are, 11 weeks later, 7 weeks of that NC.

[Bromeo]

If I may,

 

When you get that urge to reach out, be vulnerable, open your heart, etc, remember you did and she promptly went chill and told you she has a current boyfriend.

 

I was in that exact same place. I got ghosted after almost two years together, and her committing all manner of atrocious, disrespectful behavior.

 

And some days I still miss her.

 

Here's the thing, if you treated her right, as I did, it hits them at some point. I've been stone cold Nc for five months, and my ex was liking pics on my page a couple weeks back. The previous weak and needy me would have jumped on it. Now? I ignored it.

 

We don't come to this forum because we were treated with respect and things were clear. It's because, by contrast, we were disrespected, played games with, and left selfishly.

 

I used the rather awful pain to spurn a centrist mentality where I focus on myself, and my daughter. By making myself happy, I'm not concerned about the fickleness of those around me.

 

Online fist bumps though. I came close to messaging mine a week or so ago. I didn't. And I stalked her page a bit, and swore a blood oath to myself never to do that again either.

 

And really, whatever their reason, game playing exs suck.

[Knight23]

If I may,

 

When you get that urge to reach out, be vulnerable, open your heart, etc, remember you did and she promptly went chill and told you she has a current boyfriend.

 

I was in that exact same place. I got ghosted after almost two years together, and her committing all manner of atrocious, disrespectful behavior.

 

And some days I still miss her.

 

Here's the thing, if you treated her right, as I did, it hits them at some point. I've been stone cold Nc for five months, and my ex was liking pics on my page a couple weeks back. The previous weak and needy me would have jumped on it. Now? I ignored it.

 

We don't come to this forum because we were treated with respect and things were clear. It's because, by contrast, we were disrespected, played games with, and left selfishly.

 

I used the rather awful pain to spurn a centrist mentality where I focus on myself, and my daughter. By making myself happy, I'm not concerned about the fickleness of those around me.

 

Online fist bumps though. I came close to messaging mine a week or so ago. I didn't. And I stalked her page a bit, and swore a blood oath to myself never to do that again either.

 

And really, whatever their reason, game playing exs suck.

 

I respect this greatly, and I wish I had the confidence in myself to do the same thing as well. I THOUGHT I was having that 'centrist' mentality. Everything seemed fine for a while after I got past my bitterness.

 

To be honest, I didn't think I would need a reason to come back to this forum because I thought this was all behind me. But, talking to her again felt good. I knew from the get-go I was treading dangerous waters, but I went with it anyway. And for a while I'd completely forgotten all the pain she put me through.

 

I don't wanna make a mistake like this again. Opening up just isn't a good idea under circumstances like this. I've gotta work on myself more, build my self-esteem and all that. I'm just tired of all this...

 

Thanks. Your comment helped out a lot.

[Bromeo]

I respect this greatly, and I wish I had the confidence in myself to do the same thing as well. I THOUGHT I was having that 'centrist' mentality. Everything seemed fine for a while after I got past my bitterness.

 

To be honest, I didn't think I would need a reason to come back to this forum because I thought this was all behind me. But, talking to her again felt good. I knew from the get-go I was treading dangerous waters, but I went with it anyway. And for a while I'd completely forgotten all the pain she put me through.

 

I don't wanna make a mistake like this again. Opening up just isn't a good idea under circumstances like this. I've gotta work on myself more, build my self-esteem and all that. I'm just tired of all this...

 

Thanks. Your comment helped out a lot.

 

Be patient with yourself. I didn't realize how weak-willed I was until I went through my debacle.

 

It is extremely seductive to start up communication, which is why thread after thread is dedicated to not responding to breadcrumbs. I had to fight that as well. And damn it was hard.

 

Good thing is, after you come out the other side, you understand what other people feel, and that pain is the best route towards self respect and self esteem.

 

That tired feeling you feel is exactly how I felt when my ex started up her stupid games in January. Just emotionally worn out.

 

And remember, though there are some lost souls and some tough talkers, we are here to help.

 

Dave

[Been]

I dated this woman who one week would be great then the next week would suck. Constant up and down never any consistency.

When we broke up she contacted me months latter. Wanted to work things out. Get married. Move in together.

And I wanted these things with her because I was still in love with her.

So we started seeing each other. First couple of weeks were great.

Then the hot and cold started. And I could see the writing on the wall so I broke up with her.

Point I'm making is that it is so EXHAUSTING trying to keep up with someone whose attitude can change week to week. And its a waste of time.