avocadoavocado Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 i dumped my ex three weeks ago. (he broke my trust, so i'm more of the "dumpee" in this situation.) a couple of days ago, in a moment of weakness, i texted him & asked if he wanted to work things out. he sent me a long response ultimately saying no, but toward the end he said, "maybe sometime in the near future circumstances will be different, but right now i think it's for the best." vague, wishy washy bs. it feels like he's stringing me along when i need closure. maybe it's just a thing people say without thinking, but it is really one of THE WORST things to say at the end of a relationship. now i realize i only asked him whether he wanted to work things out because, deep down, i wanted to confirm whether he really loved me and wanted to be with me. if someone loves you and wants to be with you, clearly they would JUMP at a second chance after they messed up. now i've got my confirmation, & i'm ready to move on. it's amazing how quickly love starts to fade out of you once you finally realize it isn't being returned. the only thing is, i'm wondering whether i should respond and tell him there's no maybe and that it's over for good. as far as i'm concerned, the door is NOT open. i don't want to be with him anymore. i deserve someone who can give me better than a "maybe." the "near" future part is just so weird. why do you think he included the "near"? and the "right now"? i'm not going to lie, a part of me wants him to come back in a couple months just so i can have the satisfaction of telling him i've moved on. i would never take him back now. i know this with absolute certainty. i'm ready for nc, to heal, to nourish & grow my soul, & to meet someone new who wants & values me. my question is: should i respond & tell him "no chance"? or should i just implement nc right now & not respond? Link to post Share on other sites
JJNY Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 my question is: should i respond & tell him "no chance"? or should i just implement nc right now & not respond? From very recent personal experience, please do not tell him that. Whether you realize it right now or not, you would be doing it with the hope that he'll say something along the lines of "I don't want that" or hoping that he'll try to talk you out of it. When he doesnt say that and says "ok fine", or worse, doesnt even respond, you'll feel even worse than you do now. If you truly want to move on and don't think there's a chance then there's no reason he has to know. You move on for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author avocadoavocado Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 i guess im just insulted that he would throw that "maybe" at me. like i won't change, my feelings won't change, and i'll still be available to him. maybe he was just trying to be "nice," but i so badly wish he hadn't said it. you're right. i don't want to feel worse, i want to move forward. & i'm sorry you had to learn this firsthand. hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 If a person has any self-respect, they don't automatically jump at the second chance given by the person who they fell just wronged them and dumped them. Presumably you dumped him for some reason other than to see if you could make him grovel or come back to you, so try to remember what that was and apply common sense and ask yourself if that was a valid reason to break up and stay broken up or not. But in the end, now he's hurt and has his pride and may at least want to have some free time before getting back together if he ever decides to swallow his pride. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avocadoavocado Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 If a person has any self-respect, they don't automatically jump at the second chance given by the person who they fell just wronged them and dumped them. Presumably you dumped him for some reason other than to see if you could make him grovel or come back to you, so try to remember what that was and apply common sense and ask yourself if that was a valid reason to break up and stay broken up or not. But in the end, now he's hurt and has his pride and may at least want to have some free time before getting back together if he ever decides to swallow his pride. i don't understand why so many assume all dumpers & dumpees are the same. I didn't wrong him in our situation, he wronged me, and he's acknowledged this himself. it's not about self-respect in this case, it's about his apparent apathy/disinterest. it's fine to want some free time, but don't tell the person "maybe" like she's just going to be waiting around for you till you're bored. i do appreciate your perspective, though. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 What did he do to break your trust? Link to post Share on other sites
Author avocadoavocado Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 What did he do to break your trust? he still had an active online dating profile. we were together for over a year, called each other bf/gf, etc., but i found out it was still up, it was updated, & he'd logged in recently -- about a month prior to the breakup. i confronted him about it & he apologized profusely & said he never cheated & he "didn't know" what he was doing on there. i broke up with him then. i should have stood by my decision, but like i said, i had a moment of weakness. which ended up clarifying what i didn't want to see all along, so i don't regret it. i wonder if im going to regret not telling him what i think of his "maybe," though. Link to post Share on other sites
lily_ann Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 I've been in a similar situation where during a break up (he broke up with me) I heard something along the lines "maybe in few years we could be together again" basically that maybe few years down the road things would work out between us. However, this was said in person, during the actual break up. As soon as he left out the door I went straight into NC. But at the moment I said something to the extent that yeah maybe but if he doesn't want us to be together now then I can't and I won't just sit here and wait for him for the next couple of years for a "maybe". He of course said he completely understands that and does not expect me to, it was just a thought that maybe, one day we could work out. I never reached out to him, I am very strict about no contact when I am the dumpee lol. But he did reach out to me very soon. We started talking again, and slowly started seeing each other again, and then he did it again and broke up with me again after 2 months. I think the phrase that maybe one day, maybe few years down the road is a way to let the person down gently? And a way to leave the door at least a bit open for potential come back. In my case I think he wasn't 100% sure if he wanted to be with me or not and that's where this came from. As to if you should text him, like someone mentioned before he might be cold about it or not respond at all so it depends if you would be ok with that kind of answer. Sometimes it feels better to be the one who doesn't respond But I don't have personal opinion on this since in my case it was all said on the day of the break up, not through texts, so I got a chance to tell him what I think about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chin Up Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 I feel ya! Ended things with ex 2 months ago, and a part of me was really hurt that he just walked away without a backward glance. Even tho I ended it, part of it was because I felt he didn't care much anymore, and he didn't put any effort into the relationship. He moved out a month ago and I thought/hoped he'd smarten up and see what a good and patient gf I was to him, when I was no longer around. Nope, he's right where he wants to be. Getting loaded and stoned with his loser buddies. Last night I actually flipped out, was really hurt and angry that I'm crying over him, the relationship, that he'd rather get tanked and hit the bong, than have me in his life. Hard not to take it personal, and it made me feel really worthless and unlovable. Woke up this morning with an emotional hangover and realized my ego was hurt more than anything. Yes, I love and miss him, but he's a loser that has a lot of growing up to do. I cried a little bit cuz I really do hope he gets his crap together, and it's too bad I was more invested in the relationship than he was, but it is what it is, and now it's done. it's amazing how quickly love starts to fade out of you once you finally realize it isn't being returned. That's what sealed the deal for me today. When I realized I'd wasted enough time on him already, and had still been sitting around crying over a guy who hasn't given me a second thought. I sat up and said "to hell with him!" and fumed for a bit, now I'm fine with everything. Go NC, don't read into what he does or doesn't say, don't surrender your power to a guy that sneaks around on dating sites and blown your trust. It's hard, but put the focus back on you, be kind to yourself, distract yourself with productive activities, and don't talk to him unless he wants to work things out. Ppl seem to think the dumper should be the one to reach out and kiss butt, and that's a total load of crap. You brokeup with him for a reason, and it's on him to change/fix that reason! Walk tall. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 i dumped my ex three weeks ago. (he broke my trust, so i'm more of the "dumpee" in this situation.) a couple of days ago, in a moment of weakness, i texted him & asked if he wanted to work things out. he sent me a long response ultimately saying no, but toward the end he said, "maybe sometime in the near future circumstances will be different, but right now i think it's for the best." vague, wishy washy bs. it feels like he's stringing me along when i need closure. maybe it's just a thing people say without thinking, but it is really one of THE WORST things to say at the end of a relationship. now i realize i only asked him whether he wanted to work things out because, deep down, i wanted to confirm whether he really loved me and wanted to be with me. if someone loves you and wants to be with you, clearly they would JUMP at a second chance after they messed up. now i've got my confirmation, & i'm ready to move on. it's amazing how quickly love starts to fade out of you once you finally realize it isn't being returned. the only thing is, i'm wondering whether i should respond and tell him there's no maybe and that it's over for good. as far as i'm concerned, the door is NOT open. i don't want to be with him anymore. i deserve someone who can give me better than a "maybe." the "near" future part is just so weird. why do you think he included the "near"? and the "right now"? i'm not going to lie, a part of me wants him to come back in a couple months just so i can have the satisfaction of telling him i've moved on. i would never take him back now. i know this with absolute certainty. i'm ready for nc, to heal, to nourish & grow my soul, & to meet someone new who wants & values me. my question is: should i respond & tell him "no chance"? or should i just implement nc right now & not respond? Just start NC don't text ...a cpl reasons behind to feelings and circumstances change and saying that can make it more difficult to stick to because uve then set thas expectation Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 There's no need for you to contact him now. No response is better. You responding seems like an attempt to have the last word. He broke your trust. Just block him and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author avocadoavocado Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 (edited) update: my ex texted me this morning asking if i was free to facetime. that didn't take long at all, did it? -___- i haven't responded. i didn't respond to his earlier message either, just like you guys advised. trying to stay strong. i had a rough day yesterday, but i gave myself some quality "me" time, got through it, & woke up feeling much better. then this text. it's so weird. it's almost like he sensed i was feeling better today! i just wasn't expecting him to come back so soon. i can't tell him i've moved on, because that wouldn't be entirely true after 3 days. i guess i just shouldn't respond to this one either. ughhhh. why does he want to facetime NOW? after i already asked if he wanted to work things out & he told me no! Edited July 2, 2017 by avocadoavocado Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 If he still has a dating profile then I guess he is testing the waters, and so he wants to keep you on hold so that if nothing else turns up, then he may be back at your door. "maybe sometime in the near future circumstances will be different, but right now i think it's for the best." The fact he said "future circumstances will be different", makes me think he already has someone else in mind, lined up or he is already seeing her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts