I've moved on... still got questions

[Altair0770]

Something I never thought would happen after getting my heart broken a few months ago.

 

I would use my old thread, but honestly I cannot find it, so if a mod wants to add these two I can understand, though this seems like a big update.

 

So for those that don't know my story. Early last year I met a girl online. We had an online relationship until mid July. We got VERY close. Sent videos, pictures, and texted all day. Our interests were aligned and everything seemed great.

 

In mid July I went to visit her and meet in person. Flew out early morning, and the first day went great. Night time hit and she had a panic attack. Next day she was distant and I went home alone without her, where she originally was going to fly back with me and spend a week here.

 

After 3 months of her treating my very terribly, she broke up with me in October.

 

Me being a scrub, and seeing how awful she was doing (I did NC, but did it wrong), I went back to her 2 months later. Cheered her up and she felt great. Felt like we were together again, despite it being long distance. Well, after 2 months of being in contact with her, I learned she just used me to find someone else.

 

Now it's early February. I was broken, so I said some mean things about her on social media to vent. After all, I told her to block me after our last discussion in which she stated, "the door is closed". So in my emotional meltdown I said some nasty things. A few days later I appear here and make my first thread. A month later, now in strict NC, I realize what I had to do and shared it in a little guide.

 

NC worked for me. I knew nothing, but still had an uncomfortable rage inside me. I then run into a person that knows her. I told him right off the bat that I don't want to know ANYTHING about her or her new interest. His response, "Oh she didn't pursue him". Yep, literally right after. I knew instantly that was a lie, and that she actually got rejected. Later confirmed.

 

The rage stopped, and I felt fine for the first time in a long time, but still hopeful she would return. I went on a vacation, and during that time set my Twitter to private. I use Twitter more than any social media as I'm a sports fan and really Facebook is just a bunch of selfies and other useless crap so I completely stopped using it outside of messenger and being invited to events.

 

I never spied on her social media. But I did visit my block list often to see if her depressed status message or whatever would change. I noticed right when I set my account to private, she did the same. After a month, I got tired of being private and set it to public. An hour later she did the same, and I noticed my tweets started getting more impressions, profile clicks and what-not directly after.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, my therapist basically saying that the best way to move on is to find someone new, along with other things therapists say. So I decided why the hell not, maybe this is the final grab before reaching the ledge of "over it".

 

I set up a profile, and looked for girls in my area on a dating site. I found some matches, got some "winks" or whatever, and eventually started talking to a girl.

 

Last week we met and had a blast. Nothing official yet, but I noticed thoughts about my ex were replaced with thoughts about this new girl. I wasn't able to sleep after our first date, having that giddy feeling again.

 

This weekend was fantastic, and my ex never crossed my mind. I went out and enjoyed the sun and spent more time with this girl, who I'm now dating.

 

There is a few questions I guess I still have. My ex still spies on me... DAILY on my Twitter. I could make a tweet and get 5,000 views. Not one profile click. I make a tweet about something that gets hardly any views, but I get a profile click. All of these at the same time, which is when I know my ex is likely on her lunch break. Then I get another when she's likely home. I thought maybe it's a friend or family member. So I went and asked everyone I know that has Twitter. They say they never click on my profile.

 

I know that sounds like I'm reaching and coming to conclusions. Heck I probably am. But we all know our exes probably better than anyone else. We were close to them at one point. I know my ex is extremely nosey. Heck she knew who I was on Facebook far before giving out my real name and adding her. Needless to say, I KNOW it's her. And from what that original mutual friend has told me, she knows a bit about what's going on in my life. The only possible way of her knowing that is via my social media.

 

I've asked around to friends if it's weird that the ex that DUMPED me is checking my social media daily nearly 5 months of NC. They all have said it's either idle curiosity or she's crazy. Idle curiosity to me is checking maybe once a month, or once a week at the most. Everyday, multiple times a day? Seems a bit more than "curiosity".

 

 

I'm focusing on my new potential relationship. I see a future with this girl. But I do have some concerns about, honestly me and my ex.

 

I'm okay with never seeing or speaking with her again. Am I 100% indifferent towards her? No. I'd still probably be bothered if someone had sex with her. But I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not bothered that she hasn't even sent me a crumb since saying goodbye. I'm not really interested in her, nor hoping she comes back. In fact it's the opposite now.

 

I guess my questions are...

 

- Is it a bit strange the dumper is spying on my social media multiple times a day? And likely has since day 1 of NC?

 

- Is this the potential case of her maybe contacting me when I never think about her and feelings potentially rising that could hurt my new relationship?

 

I deleted her number, but didn't block it. Knowing her she likely kept it. I'm sure she could contact me if she wanted to, but knowing her, she would be terrified to.

 

I feel much better, and feel much happier than I have since, well a year ago I guess. I guess maybe it's the 2am and can't sleep because of a heat wave random thought.

[PegNosePete]

Wow, why are you so hooked on what your ex is or isn't doing? Just block her and have done with it.

 

You're still doing NC WRONG.

[BG1]

Altair, I think you are doing very well. And even you may start seeing someone new, as you well point out, there you need more time and personal work to be over your ex.

 

I'm also in a much better place. But I will recommend you to leave all these questions about what she does or not aside and let them be. We don't need answers to all the questions, and that's part of the process of healing and moving on.

 

No need to spend more time asking people if they have visited your twitter, or checking if she has unblocked you. You are in a circle and you won't get out of it until you manage to break free from it. What your ex-does or doesn't it's not longer something that should take your energy and time. ITs completely normal to miss her and wonder, but think that you need to do your way.

 

No matter if she is the dumper, she is a girl and they tend to be more noisy when checking with ex, no matter if they broke with you. With one of my exes she broke with me, and then we wanted to talk, and emailed me asking me why I was ignoring her. I was refusing her facebook friends request after she had a long period of NC and she was insisting. She ended up desisting. She probably wants to know if you are with someone or not. That's all, don't read to much into her actions or what she does.

 

Great that you are starting to see someone else. It reminds you that you can meet great people out there. Just don't rush it, and be aware of not doing some things from an subconscious level.

[dumbass2]

You don't seem like you are ready for another relationship until you are over your ex. Appears you still need some time to accomplish that. You're still thinking about her too much.

[Lazy Fox]

I've got to admit that for someone so certain they are over their ex and have "moved on", you seem to care an awful lot about what she's doing.

Edited June 26, 2017 by Lazy Fox

[Sweetfish]

Alt you gotta understand that she knows she F'ed up hardcore and getting back to you would mean she would have to confront her F-up. She needed new supply and guess what.. the new supply doesnt come close to you.

 

So most likely.. i am assuming here. She is watching your profile for her replacement. "The new girl" and that is when she will trigger. Once this new girl is to ever show up on your profile this is when your ex girlfriend will come back and it will be too late.

[Altair0770]

I've got to admit that for someone so certain they are over their ex and have "moved on", you seem to care an awful lot about what she's doing.

 

I have no idea what she's doing. Absolutely nothing. I only know she's spying on me. That's it. I just want to know what it means.

[Lazy Fox]

Well it means that she still cares about you. It might be that she misses you and loves you and is dealing with looking at your pictures and feeling upset.

I can't think of another reason why someone would regularly check someone's social media account.

I've been through two serious breakups, and checking their facebook is just a part of it for me. It starts off several times a day, etc and eventually, one day, i notice that i haven't checked in a while and that's when i'm beginning to get over them.

 

I don't think the fact that she dumped you is very important; you can still love and miss your ex partner if you dumped them. She's obviously not over you otherwise she wouldn't even care what you're up to, just like how i don't even care to know what my ex from 3 years ago is doing these days.

 

I think that you shouldn't focus on her though. You said it yourself, you're over here (somewhat at least) and you don't want her back. There's no reason to care if she is checking your profile, and if you don't want her to do that then there's no reason not to block her. Blocking her would allow you to forget about her much faster, which is what you want right now seeing as you are dating someone else.

[Altair0770]

Well it means that she still cares about you. It might be that she misses you and loves you and is dealing with looking at your pictures and feeling upset.

I can't think of another reason why someone would regularly check someone's social media account.

I've been through two serious breakups, and checking their facebook is just a part of it for me. It starts off several times a day, etc and eventually, one day, i notice that i haven't checked in a while and that's when i'm beginning to get over them.

 

I don't think the fact that she dumped you is very important; you can still love and miss your ex partner if you dumped them. She's obviously not over you otherwise she wouldn't even care what you're up to, just like how i don't even care to know what my ex from 3 years ago is doing these days.

 

I think that you shouldn't focus on her though. You said it yourself, you're over here (somewhat at least) and you don't want her back. There's no reason to care if she is checking your profile, and if you don't want her to do that then there's no reason not to block her. Blocking her would allow you to forget about her much faster, which is what you want right now seeing as you are dating someone else.

 

 

The thing is I don't care if she's checking my profile. I'm seriously just curious to know what it means?

 

I put in so much effort into this girl and she so easily rejected me for someone else after trying to reconcile like a scrub. It's okay. Out of curiosity I tried looking at hers and saw she set to private after posting a few things about seeing someone else (no, not to get her attention).

 

Do I care about her? Yeah. I hope she does well. But I've spent far too long trying to recover from the breakup and went through a lot of therapy to get over it. Time and money wasted. Missed an opportunity to get a raise because I needed time off work to settle the anxiety attacks. I do feel guilty about saying bad things about her on that social media (I actually do have her blocked, the only reason she can see me is a new account and I really don't want her spying on me to dictate my interest in the social media I use).

 

I've been told idle curiosity, but it seems she checks it daily, sometimes multiple times each day. My main concern is if she all of a sudden jumps into the picture again and feelings I thought were dead come back. I've heard that happens sometimes...

[Ronnys93]

The thing is I don't care if she's checking my profile. I'm seriously just curious to know what it means?

 

I put in so much effort into this girl and she so easily rejected me for someone else after trying to reconcile like a scrub. It's okay. Out of curiosity I tried looking at hers and saw she set to private after posting a few things about seeing someone else (no, not to get her attention).

 

Do I care about her? Yeah. I hope she does well. But I've spent far too long trying to recover from the breakup and went through a lot of therapy to get over it. Time and money wasted. Missed an opportunity to get a raise because I needed time off work to settle the anxiety attacks. I do feel guilty about saying bad things about her on that social media (I actually do have her blocked, the only reason she can see me is a new account and I really don't want her spying on me to dictate my interest in the social media I use).

 

I've been told idle curiosity, but it seems she checks it daily, sometimes multiple times each day. My main concern is if she all of a sudden jumps into the picture again and feelings I thought were dead come back. I've heard that happens sometimes...

 

I honestly feel like you need to go back and look at that NC thread you made. Seriously, it doesn't matter what it means. All that matters is that she's no longer with you and you're in NC. You've gotta break the cycle, I think this is your minds way of keeping her in your life. It's like your mind is playing tricks on you because it wants you to continue thinking and obsessing about her. All the reasons you listed in your other paragraphs are reasons for why you should drop her and leave it alone.

[Bromeo]

Alt you gotta understand that she knows she F'ed up hardcore and getting back to you would mean she would have to confront her F-up. She needed new supply and guess what.. the new supply doesnt come close to you.

 

So most likely.. i am assuming here. She is watching your profile for her replacement. "The new girl" and that is when she will trigger. Once this new girl is to ever show up on your profile this is when your ex girlfriend will come back and it will be too late.

 

I'd be shocked to see her confront her mistake. They simply aren't wired that way. As sweet correctly pointed out, it's easier to replace with the options they have thrown at them on a daily basis.

 

My experience is anecdotal of course, but even if the supply is dry, they don't apologize. I'd love to make a thread, collect the dumpees whose exs demonstrated the immature, insecure personality clusters, and see how many actually offered an apology.

 

Though, I could just be jaded at this point. Lol

[Altair0770]

It just feels like she's trying to lure me into breaking no contact so she doesn't have to. Not going to happen though, unless I'm truly okay with being "just friends". I don't think I'll ever be interested in that. I didn't spend tons of time and money getting over her to be in her fanclub.

 

I do think Sweet has a point. Most people would drop it and move on when they find someone new. New supply wasn't interested in her, that I know for fact. And finding a replacement is going to be a tough battle where she's looking.

 

I just don't understand it. Dammit she is getting to me. But I made her so happy. She was miserable when I was gone, but thought someone could replace that. Now she's still miserable. I feel guilty for moving on because I'm an empathetic person. And one of the hardest parts of moving on was that I know she will never be happy with her personality and disorder. The people she wants doesn't want to deal with that.

 

But this new girl... we just gel so well. I'm extremely happy with her and she's an amazing person. I see a future with her, and she's turned my mode around so quickly. My focus IS on her. But there's still that little part of me that's curious about why my ex is so interested in me when SHE let ME go.

 

Is it because she F'd up and realizes it? Is it because she's potentially a narcissist and someone she's shelved is moving on without moping? Is it because she's not over me but won't commit? Is it just idle curiosity?

 

I'll admit, it's hard to think I'll never speak to my first love ever again, but I don't have any feelings for her anymore. It would have been long distance, so very expensive. It would require me to COMPLETELY change my life because I would have to move to her. It would be a fairly sexless relationship. And from my past research when I was still "with her", living with someone with PTSD where you have a high chance of triggering them is stressful and causes high risk for depression.

 

All in all she has written "hell no" all over her. And that makes me feel bad. Maybe I'm just hoping she'll reach out so I can wish her well and not feel guilty. After all, I always assumed she F'd up, and all the harsh words I said while venting are coming true...

 

I always tell people here, that the way to prove to an ex that you are a good partner is what you did in the relationship. It goes both ways. Dumpers had the opportunity to prove themselves too. She proved to put me through hell. Yet, I still feel bad for her because I'm happy with her decision and I don't think she is. I'm always told I'm a rare breed of an empathetic person.