Jump to content

11.5 years together, broke up 4 months ago


Recommended Posts

My girlfriend of 11.5 years broke up with me almost 4 months ago. Ages 31/30.

 

We were friends for 3 years before that (I dated lots of girls, she was with 1 guy for those 3 years).

 

She gave the reasons she needs to be alone, find herself, love but not in love, etc. Standard BS.

 

Not having a real answer made me start to fix EVERYTHING.

 

I was pretty much a fat, lazy, pothead. No job, no car, little money in the bank.

 

The nail in the coffin for our relationship was when I started ignoring her.

 

I didn't want to talk on the phone, come over to her house, etc.

 

Why did I do that? She had this paralyzed dog we were taking care of. It was a huge burden, and it was getting to my breaking point. For about a month before we broke up its health deteriorated so bad it was cruel to make him suffer so much which really pissed me off.

 

For years, this dog put such a strain on our lives. It had to be expressed every 4-5 hours. Someone had to be there. When she started university (while working), I began dropping what I was doing to go to her house and watch him. My business took a complete nose dive.

 

Our lives revolved around her school/work schedule. It sucked. I'm embarrassed. I really cared about her and wouldn't say no. She had nobody else, and she would have screwed her work/school for the dog. I was looking forward to the day she'd be done with school, and when the dog wouldn't burden us any more.

 

She broke up with me when she scheduled to put him down. She was also finishing up her degree in a couple weeks.

 

 

After the breakup

 

I didn't follow NC for a while. Her breaking up with me was massive leverage to get my **** together. I didn't want to lose her. I thought since a big reason for our break up was lack of communication, which distanced us, I should try to keep in contact.

 

That ended a month after when she made it clear she's not interested in reconciliation at all. She told me to not call her for at least a month.

 

She broke NC because we had to close a joint bank account. We talked for a minute, and she said she was taking the breakup hard, going to therapists because she has never been alone. Said she needs to be alone for a while (I didn't ask).

 

A couple weeks later she gave me a breadcrumb text asking how I was. I took the bait and called her some days later. It actually went pretty good. She even ended it saying to give her a call if I want to meetup (when I get my car). I definitely got her interest again.

 

Problem is, I didn't have a car yet. I didn't get one for 3 weeks after. I called her about a month after our convo and asked if she wanted to do something. She said "Yeah!", then hesitated, couldn't think of a time when she's free, and asked me what my intentions are.

 

 

Self improvements

 

Haven't smoked pot since the day we broke up, started eating healthy, took up exercising. I lost 73 lbs so far. I'm a normal weight, went from XL to M/S, etc.

 

Instead of lounging around watching TV and eating pizza, I go on 100 mile bike rides on my free days.

 

I ride my bike every day, usually 20-30 miles. Sometimes only 10 if I'm really strapped for time. I also weight lift a couple times a week.

 

I have way more energy, thoughts, etc. I got a decent job. I'm also moving on to a better one in 2 weeks (moving across the country though).

 

I've been getting back into stuff I used to do, starting new hobbies.

 

Got in touch with some old friends. Haven't made many new ones, which I really want to do.

 

I was a gremlin. Now I'm attracting the ladies like mad. It's so weird to me. My mind hasn't adjusted to the new me yet. I get all giddy when I look at myself in the mirror.

 

When I started gaining weight years ago, she was pretty hard on me about it. Made me very self-conscious about my weight. Eventually she stopped, after my confidence was completely broken.

 

I was a pretty decent looking guy before I let myself go. Now I'm back, with a ton of confidence.

 

 

Her new boyfriend

 

So... this guy popped up on my facebook suggested friends. I looked at his profile and he's in a relationship with my ex!

 

I took the bait and looked at her fb/ig.

 

This guy is almost 4 years younger than her, very overweight, not very good looking, poor grooming, horrible dresser, not a good career (if he works at all). Never met the guy so I only know superficial things.

 

She talks about how he's so cute though. LOL. Dude looks like a toad.

 

They're doing things we were talking about doing before we broke up.

 

She struggled hard to break up with me, then gets with someone like I USED to be.

 

I figured she'd meet someone with something going on...

 

I worked so hard to make myself the dream catch, and she chose THAT.

 

Seems like she got with the first guy that gave her attention. He's friends with her friends (who are also 3-4 years younger).

 

 

My general view of it all so far

 

I've grown so much. If I was still in that relationship, I'd probably be in the same place. I didn't like who I had become.

 

I've gone through so much emotional pain since the breakup. I haven't let that stop me from improving my life though.

 

I accept the fact she gave up on us and I need to keep moving on. It's getting easier as time passes. I still miss her though.

Edited by ridingfar
Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you seeking advice or just offloading?

 

Sounds like ur doing so much better i can kinda relate to ur story and break up.

 

Accept mine im reminded of all the time we work together and yes she got together wth the 1st dude who by the way also looked like a toad who gave her attention who also worked wth us in the same Co. Who subsequently left a few weeks ago to live and work overseas lol.

 

She's now dping my old role which is kinda a step back whilst I went up i guess it feels a lil like karma she put me thru hell this yr rubbed it in made sure she hurt me good. Well now it's not so clear cut and I sense she's pissed lol but who cares they deserve everything they get especially the way she went about things

 

Anyway stay strong and keep moving forward leaving that passed behind and I'll be doing the same

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, you are doing all the right things. Just remember how you were the day she broke it off with you. You were over weight. Lazy, jobless...etc.

 

Now, look where you got to! Lost 73 lbs! cycling everyday! Eating right, staying away from pot, getting a new job. But, the one thing I hope is that you realize that you were doing it for you and not for her.

 

I would suggest going out and having adventures. Go camping in Yosemite. White water rafting in West Virginia, learn to surf in Southern California, cattle drive in Arizona. Or travel outside the country. Go see places and do things. And take a lot of pictures and put them on Facebook. One day, your Ex might get curious and see what you're up to. Wouldn't it be nice knowing that she would probably say to herself, "Damn! Look at all the cool stuff he's doing and I'm stuck here with the old version of Ridingfar 2.0". That's how you get your revenge, you lead a damn good and adventurous life!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Dude, you are doing all the right things. Just remember how you were the day she broke it off with you. You were over weight. Lazy, jobless...etc.

 

Now, look where you got to! Lost 73 lbs! cycling everyday! Eating right, staying away from pot, getting a new job. But, the one thing I hope is that you realize that you were doing it for you and not for her.

 

Thanks man. I do realize that it's all for me now. Until maybe 2 weeks ago, I still had the blinders on and was doing it 100% to get her back.

 

I was dragging myself down when we were together, feeling completely stuck in life. She was contributing to it and totally cool with that. I feel like I was barely alive, it's really sad. She didn't care. I was just convenient for her.

 

Then she dumped me thinking her life is going to change for the better.

 

She's back to square one, in the honeymoon stage with ridingfar 0.2. Seeing that really irked me.

 

It's frustrating being rejected/abandoned by someone that was in my life for so long, only to be replaced by someone worse than I am now.

 

It's just like... What. Are. You. Doing?!

 

First, I see the Facebook relationship status on the new guys profile because he popped up on my suggested friends (even though we have no connection). I didn't find out much there because he hasn't updated his profile in 2 years, and she set her relationship status to private and all of her posts after our breakup to private as well.

 

Then Instagram thought I wanted to see a picture of them in Vegas together on my feed "Based on photos you liked". Even though we've never followed each other, I signed up after the breakup, and we don't have mutual followers.

 

I just blocked everything. I don't want to see it. Blocked her, blocked him.

 

I couldn't sleep last night after seeing that social media stuff.

 

I would suggest going out and having adventures. Go camping in Yosemite. White water rafting in West Virginia, learn to surf in Southern California, cattle drive in Arizona. Or travel outside the country. Go see places and do things. And take a lot of pictures and put them on Facebook. One day, your Ex might get curious and see what you're up to. Wouldn't it be nice knowing that she would probably say to herself, "Damn! Look at all the cool stuff he's doing and I'm stuck here with the old version of Ridingfar 2.0". That's how you get your revenge, you lead a damn good and adventurous life!

 

I'm from SoCal, moving to the East Coast for that new job.

 

I started some adventuring with the 100 mile bike rides, which have been absolutely amazing. I've mostly rode down the coast/PCH on my long rides and it has been absolutely beautiful.

 

I have a 120 mile ride planned later this week! When I first started riding, I barely made it 3 miles and I was sooooo sore.

 

I look forward to travelling a lot, and trying new exciting things like what you've suggested.

 

Exploring this country more, going back overseas. I can't wait!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Are you seeking advice or just offloading?

 

Sounds like ur doing so much better i can kinda relate to ur story and break up.

 

Accept mine im reminded of all the time we work together and yes she got together wth the 1st dude who by the way also looked like a toad who gave her attention who also worked wth us in the same Co. Who subsequently left a few weeks ago to live and work overseas lol.

 

She's now dping my old role which is kinda a step back whilst I went up i guess it feels a lil like karma she put me thru hell this yr rubbed it in made sure she hurt me good. Well now it's not so clear cut and I sense she's pissed lol but who cares they deserve everything they get especially the way she went about things

 

Anyway stay strong and keep moving forward leaving that passed behind and I'll be doing the same

 

It was consuming my mind after finding out about the new guy.

 

I'm doing a lot better but I'm still feeling the abandonment.

 

It's getting less intense as time goes on though.

 

My mind is really getting exhausted with it.

 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel where I finally break free from this.

 

I'll stay strong and keep moving forward.

 

Maybe you should look for a better job and get away from your ex for good.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The fact remains that you blame the needs of a paralysed dog for your behaviour. If you became a lazy stoner because of a dog, heaven help your future wife if you have a child who has significant special needs.

 

Meanwhile you're judging her new boyfriend as being as bad as you were DESPITE having never met him. Yes, he may dress like a slob - but perhaps he cares for her emotional needs. This would certainly be a step up for her.

 

I'm glad you've improved your life. But I think you still have a way to go.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The fact remains that you blame the needs of a paralysed dog for your behaviour. If you became a lazy stoner because of a dog, heaven help your future wife if you have a child who has significant special needs.

 

Meanwhile you're judging her new boyfriend as being as bad as you were DESPITE having never met him. Yes, he may dress like a slob - but perhaps he cares for her emotional needs. This would certainly be a step up for her.

 

I'm glad you've improved your life. But I think you still have a way to go.

 

Meh, I wouldn't bash on the guy too hard. He literally just found out about it and he's triggering a little. So, he's going to lash out a bit. He just got knocked down a few pegs in his healing.

 

Hell, we all had that happen. I was hoping that if I ever saw my ex again she would be fat and wearing a moo moo. Unfortunately, she still looked good........dammit LOL! I would never go back to that. That woman was pure evil.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The fact remains that you blame the needs of a paralysed dog for your behaviour. If you became a lazy stoner because of a dog, heaven help your future wife if you have a child who has significant special needs.

 

Meanwhile you're judging her new boyfriend as being as bad as you were DESPITE having never met him. Yes, he may dress like a slob - but perhaps he cares for her emotional needs. This would certainly be a step up for her.

 

I'm glad you've improved your life. But I think you still have a way to go.

 

I really regret how I was acting. It's my fault for letting myself go. I wasn't being a man.

 

I know I have a long way to go. I acted like a child for a while and now I'm getting my **** together. I got way too used to being a loser.

 

Yeah, I'm judging the new guy. Some pot head that clearly doesn't take care of himself in any aspect of life.

 

I did care for her emotional needs throughout those years. It was the last month that I was withdrawing.

 

 

If you want to know more about the dog situation...

 

Over the past 3+ years I was spending half the week at her house and she'd be gone all day. She didn't have anyone else and was thankful so I went along with dropping my life to help her finish school and keep her jobs (which she needed for exp once she graduated). I didn't say no once out of well over 100 times.

 

I loved the dog too and I dealt with it. Manually peeing him 4-5 times a day, cleaning up feces out of the carpet multiple times a day. Cleaning up vomit out of the carpet from her other dog. Her room smelled putrid. Waking up to the stench of feces when it pooped itself in the middle of the night. I dealt with it.

 

What I couldn't deal with, was the last month before she dumped me. That's when I really started withdrawing emotionally. His nose started bleeding 24 hrs/day. He was actually choking on his own blood all day/night and there was no end in sight. She was just going to let him live like that. There was basically nothing the vet could do because of his age. How is that OK? To me, that is CRUEL. I was questioning how I could be with someone that lets that go on. It was so loud, and the dog had to stay in the same room... try sleeping through that sadness. Before, he was a happy little guy even though he was paralyzed. When the bleeding started, he was absolutely miserable and I felt incredibly horrible.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Meh, I wouldn't bash on the guy too hard. He literally just found out about it and he's triggering a little. So, he's going to lash out a bit. He just got knocked down a few pegs in his healing.

 

Hell, we all had that happen. I was hoping that if I ever saw my ex again she would be fat and wearing a moo moo. Unfortunately, she still looked good........dammit LOL! I would never go back to that. That woman was pure evil.

 

LOL. My ex looks way better. She lost weight, new hairdo, make up, dressing sexy... part of the trigger seeing that as well :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
It was consuming my mind after finding out about the new guy.

 

I'm doing a lot better but I'm still feeling the abandonment.

 

It's getting less intense as time goes on though.

 

My mind is really getting exhausted with it.

 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel where I finally break free from this.

 

I'll stay strong and keep moving forward.

 

Maybe you should look for a better job and get away from your ex for good.

 

 

I'm about where ur at exhausted I've started seeing a psychologist and that's helping heaps.

 

The more u love them the longer it takes. Plus u guys were together for a good chunk of time.

 

Times the only healer it'll get less and less over time. Keep doing what ur doing and just feel t hv e emotions as they surface it'll help wth healing and healing properly

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

After a little time to think about it, I was too quick to judge the new guy.

 

Maybe he's not so bad. She likes him any way. There's nothing I can do about it.

 

I wish I didn't see those pictures.

 

I had been feeling really good and positive lately, and this turned that around.

 

I wish I could be the one making her day light up, but that's not what she wants.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm already feeling good again. I just have to keep accepting that this is the way things are, and I'm getting on with my life.

 

I'm really excited about moving across the country. I'll be around my brother, I have a couple old friends over there, better job, new opportunities.

 

I'm looking forward to the variety the new location brings and how I will grow more as a person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...