Mr. Noname Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Hi all, It's a long time since I have been here (25th june 2010). The reason I'm back is because my last ex dumped me last saturday. We had a relation where we saw each other in the weekends because there was a distance between us (she lives in an other town). Our relationship was good but there were the usual fights, nothing extreme tough. There were some differrences between us, she is begin 20's and I'm in the end of my 20's. Sometimes we have diffuculties in communication, I'm a person that finds it difficult to communicate over his feelings and sometimes shut her out. A couple of months ago I started to go to a therapist to work on my issues. It was getting better and our relationship had more ups than downs. Last week I was on vacation with her and her parents. I believe the bond between me and her parents is not so great and I regret I went on this trip. We had a couple of fights but again I don't think it was very extreme but I think it had influence on how she saw me (someone who is not easy going with her parents). The vacation was difficult and I didn't communicate with her over my feelings (she noticed that). At the end of the vacation she said she didn't feel the 'spark' anymore and was desperate. She said she didn't know what to, she asked me if I had the spark. I said it is normal after 3.5 years that the relationship develops into something different and that the 'spark' gets less. She left me alone and I went to the airport. She has two weeks vacation left with her parents. Because she had very mixed emotions she said maybe we can have contact after her vacation to see eachother. First I said maybe that's a good idea but also said that I don't know if I want that. I don't want to be with someone in a relationship who has doubts. I asked her to go radio silence (NC) for the coming two weeks. The last message was on saturday (sameday) when I landed because she asked me to send her a message when I got home. In the message I said that I respect her choice, I understand it was very difficult for her and that I want to give her space. I said she can contact me if she want to reconcile. My question is what do I do when she contact me after her vacation? Do I ignore her if it's only smalltalk? Or do I react that the only thing I want is a reconciliation? I think the NC is best for me now. I deleted all pictures, phone numbers, whatsapp groups. On one side I hope it will make her rethink her desicion but on the other side I think it's too late. My guess she is still very young, wants to see the world and isn't commited for a relationship with a guy she doesn't feel the 'spark' anymore. Do you have any advice how to deal with her making contact after two weeks (if she does that). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Noname Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) Ok..... I broke NC because when she dumped me she wasn't clear (she had doubts etc). It's very clear for me now. I asked for a meet up for a closure before I go on vacation (over 3 weeks). She said she doesn't want that, she wants it after my vacation in order to get some more distance from our former relation. I was shocked by the coldness in the text messages, she said it was her way to distance herself from me. She tought NC was a good idea in the period between. She wants to be friends and wants to have contact after my vacation for a meetup for closure and have our final goodbye. (We didn't have a proper goodbye) It was very painful but I know now she doesn't want to be with me anymore and is making effort to forget our relationship. I don't know if i want to talk her anymore if I'm back after my vacation. Edited June 22, 2017 by Mr. Noname Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Ok..... She wants to be friends and wants to have contact after my vacation for a meetup for closure and have our final goodbye. (We didn't have a proper goodbye) She offers the gift of her friendship after dumping you. How generous of her. This is a bad idea, and if I were you I would politely decline. She wants to meet up with you on her terms when she feels like it, any "friendship" would also be on her terms. What about what you want? What is closure? You say you have been fighting for awhile, this breakup wasn't 'just' over the awkward vacation. It was the climax of an increasingly volatile situation between the two of you - the 'last' straw. Do you really need to meet up to talk about it some more? Unlikely that anything new will be said. More pain. What is a proper goodbye? I really don't mean to be cruel but what I've seen around here is that meeting up for a goodbye turns into a dramatic scene where she cries, you cry(?), you embrace, she hangs on tight, the hug lingers, she offers friendship, tells you "maybe some day..." Really not trying to make light of people's pain but you see it so much. THe dumpee holds on to those last moments...it's just not good for them. I don't know, maybe it's just me but it opens the door to mixed messages and more pain. Analyzing every single word they said. You tell her you would like to reconcile (if that's the case), to work out your differences as you are actively seeking help right now. If she declines she's told you all you need to know. Many hope to use that final goodbye to change the dumper's mind. I personally have not seen that happen although I'm sure there are exceptions. Kudos to you for seeking help for the emotional issues you struggle with. But this isn't all on you. Reading your story it appears as though that's how she sees it. She's young. In most cases there's a huge chasm between early 20s and late 20s. Keep up the good self work, meet up if you must but at this point I would not ask her anymore if I were you. When she contacts you when you return from your vacation if she's not talking about getting together to say goodbye or whatever, then she's got nothing substantial to say and at that point I would say it was nice knowing you, I wanted to work on this but you don't and I don't have time for games, I'm out. I know, I know...easier said than done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 First of all, good for you that you are working on your issues in therapy. It does take some time, but keep going. To me, all I can tell from what you wrote is you fought during vacation with her parents -- now, how foolish was that? When you're around someone's parents, you ought to have the good sense to never rock the boat and just be agreeable and get through it. Because that would be embarrassing to her. If they were never really sold on you, now they have an "I told you so" in their pockets to toss at her like a grenade. No one wants their little girl fighting with a man. Can you understand that? Yes, I'm sure some of it was her fault, but both of you needed to be on your best behavior. I'm thinking maybe this relationship has run its course and that you should just concentrate on therapy and sorting yourself out for awhile and then try again with someone else. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Noname Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 Thanks for your replies! I don't think I want to meet up after my vacation. I think that if she contacts me I will decline. On the other end I feel I obliged because it was a wonderful time and we 'deserve' a proper ending. Then again what would it change. It is very hurtful to see she is wanting NC also, wants to forget me quick to go on with her life. I'm going to do that also, I have more clarity now. I'm going to workout and hope I will have fun on my vacation. I"m pissed off that it's on her terms now, I want to say to her that she can put this meetup in her *** but that's my ego hurting. I broke my NC now I'm back at it and hope I will heal quicker now all the hope is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Noname Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 Keep up the good self work, meet up if you must but at this point I would not ask her anymore if I were you. When she contacts you when you return from your vacation if she's not talking about getting together to say goodbye or whatever, then she's got nothing substantial to say and at that point I would say it was nice knowing you, I wanted to work on this but you don't and I don't have time for games, I'm out. I know, I know...easier said than done. Great advice thank you! I must focus on what I want and not what she wants. If it's beneficial for my healing proces I will go for a meetup but I honestly don't think it is. What are we going to say, thank you for the great things, have a good life and goodbye, see you in an other life or other universe? If she asks for a meetup I think I text her back that I don't want that. The fact she is cold and distant, is doing her own NC and lost her 'spark' is enough closure to see I need to move on. It's so strange that somebody turns so cold in just a matter of days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Noname Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 To me, all I can tell from what you wrote is you fought during vacation with her parents -- now, how foolish was that? When you're around someone's parents, you ought to have the good sense to never rock the boat and just be agreeable and get through it. Because that would be embarrassing to her. If they were never really sold on you, now they have an "I told you so" in their pockets to toss at her like a grenade. No one wants their little girl fighting with a man. Can you understand that? Yes, I'm sure some of it was her fault, but both of you needed to be on your best behavior. . I know I messed that up, but I think the reasons we had 'fights' (nothing big though) were coming from a subconcious feeling that something was not right. But I understand your feedback and I hope I will not be in a similar situation in the future . I'm going to work on my self and going to find someone new. Now I can't think of dating someone else, I hate dating but I guess it's need a lot of time to get there. Thanks for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Noname Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 Today was a bad day... I did a lot of drinking with a friend yesterday and I had a terrible hangover. Went to the gym this morning and after that I went to have a lunch with a friend. Yesterday I was drunk and texted a girl if she wants to date me, she hasn't read the message yet. It was a polite message but it was at 3 o'clock at night . If she responds I think I will tell her that it's to too early for me (if she wants to date anyway). I think I must process my feelings and must wait dating other women. It's 8 days since my breakup, i feel mildy depressed and I'm very lonely. I miss her very bad and I can't get the image out of my mind her dating other guys then me. She went complete NC on me, she said she wants to get more distance from me. It's hard for me that she wants to forget me. I think I'm going to watch a movie or something, I spend way too much time on LS reading other stories of heartbreak. The reality begins to sink in.. she left me and is never coming back, doesn't want to be with me and uses NC to do this. I don't know what to do when she contacts me after five- six weeks. She said we could talk to meet to say our last goodbyes but I don't think it's good for me. I miss her very much, Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 Don't be surprised ur breakup is due to a 3rd party dude no way knowing for sure but most cases they are time will tell that's why it's never a good thing to beat ureself up. I wss only reading another dudes post on here about how the whole time he thought the breakup was beacuase of somthing his mother said to his ex it turns out she'd met someone. They are deceitful and will lie about this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Noname Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 Hello all, I posted a couple a weeks ago. My girlfried left me after 3.5 years because she wasn't feeling 'it' anymore. When she dumped me she had a lots of doubts. I went NC straight away but I reached out after a week or so. In that conversation I asked for a meet up for closure. She said she was allright with that but she said it was too soon. She said she wanted to get more distance from me and get loose from me. The conversation was painful but I didn't beg or plead. She said we would contact eachother in five or six weeks (after my vacation). I'm 2 weeks NC now and I miss her like hell. On the other hand I understand she will not come back to me, when I look back now I see several signs she was not happy in the relationship. In our last conversation she wanted NC also but said she wanted to be friends in the future . I don't want a meetup for closure anymore, the only thing I want is a reconcilation and know I won't get that. Altough I respect my ex I don't think it's good for me to see her (what's the point?) What should I do or say when she reaches out? I don't think I will reach out to her after my vacation because I know it's too painful and nothing will come out of it. Can someone please give me advice how to deal with this situaties (an ex who is likley to reach out for a chat). Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 There is never closure when you experience a break-up. You don't really want to know why they lose interest. You don't really want that sad 'closure' meeting which leaves you more distressed than you were before. I think it is fair enough to refuse such a meeting. Going no contact means you cannot be friends with her - at this stage at least. If she reaches out, think of yourself and your own feelings. Protect yourself. You do not owe her a meeting or friendship. Sorry you are hurting. I know a break-up feels like a physical pain. It does fade, honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Noname Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 Is it ok to not answer at all if she sends me a message? A couple of hours ago her mother messaged me that it's sad we have broken up but wishes me good luck in life and love. WTF WOMAN LEAVE ME ALONE :(!! I understand she means it but it is also painful a reminder it's really over. I going trough several stages and have a lot of self doubt. I don't want to date other women, I'm scared of the future. This sucks big time, I want her back but I know all my cognitive efforts to think about possible scenarios of reconcilation are a big waste of time. Hope and constant thinking of possible reconcilation is human but also a way to avoid my emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Noname Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 I did reply to her mother, said thank you and wished her all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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