5 year relationship split

[Jt93]

Me and my girlfriend have been split up about a month now and I don't really have anyone else to talk to so I wanted to put my heart out to others and seek their opinions.

 

I am a 23 year old male and my ex girlfriend was a year younger than me. We met in college when I was 18 and her 17 just through luck really and just thought that we got on really well. A year went by and we went on holiday together to Egypt. I was always the more laid back one in the relationship and I am easy going, she did not like me having any girls as friends at all. After the year and a half mark I was speaking to 2 girls (in a friendly way) of which she was really unhappy with and which we had major arguments. I know I was in the wrong slightly because I didn't tell her I was talking to them because I knew she wouldn't be happy at all even though it was friends. After the arguments, I cut contact with these people completely.

 

Anyway after going through a bumpy couple of years where we would have arguments about this she started to become aggressive towards me and it made me feel terrible, but I was always too scared to leave the relationship because I loved her so much and all's I wanted was her. I knew at this time she had friends who were boys who I wasn't phased about letting her talk to I just got on with it.

 

At the 3 year mark we went to Turkey on holiday and had a good time albeit a few disagreements also. My girlfriend had been to Turkey 10 times previous to this and loved it. We met a Turkish man a similar age to me and we made good friends with him.

 

Anyway another year goes by whilst we are still good but do have the odd argument but when we were good we were very good. At about the 4 and a half year mark things suddenly picked up after we had a bit of a discussion together and told each other how we felt. Those last 7/8 months were the best months of the relationship as we got along so well. Or so I thought.

 

My girlfriend had always wanted to go on holiday so she booked a trip to Turkey with her sister who is 2 years older. I had noticed around 5 months before she was going that she was messaging said Turk that we met, but assured me that it was only friendly so I thought nothing of it and got on with it.

 

During the 7/8 months when we were at our best, we would be so loving and get on so well, she would be telling me how much she loved me and we had our life planned out how we wanted it to go in terms of children, future careers(I even changed my job on the basis that it would be better for us as a family in the future) and she kept asking me when I was going to propose, I always said when the time was right and it wasn't long away.

 

She went away 2 days after our 5 year anniversary of which we had a few arguments that night over petty things but she apologised straight away recognising her attitude wasn't right. She even put a post on social media saying how lucky she was to have me and that I was her soul mate, it's been the best 5 years of her life and how much she loves me.

 

I take them to the airport and wish her well and tell her to let me know when they are there safe. For the first 3 days of the holiday she was fine and video called me and speaking normally, after that she became very short with me and didn't video call again even after me asking. I thought that she was on holiday enjoying herself so I was probably being a pest.

 

Any way she comes back and I couldn't wait to see her, a week felt like a month. I seen her after work and she seemed not herself but blamed it on being tired as she didn't have much sleep on the flight so I thought nothing of it. We went to bed and cuddled as normal. The next day we planned to see each other and everything was normal until she told me that she was tired and wanted a night to herself, I acknowledged her and said it was fine but what was up as we hadn't seen each other for a week and then only seen each other 1 day and she didn't want to see me again. We normally seen each other every day. She then proceeded to tell me by text after I got it out of her she told me she had had a lot of time to think on her own on holiday and that she hasn't been happy in the relationship for 12 months of which I had no indication what so ever. She told me that she still loved me but wasn't in love with me, and then the final one was that she wasn't attracted to me any more! It absolutely tore my heart apart and it was so unexpected, everyone was so shocked and hurt. I tried to ask her to think about things or see how we were and go on the holiday we had booked and paid for which was 3 and a half weeks away but no avail, it was too far gone. I left contact and she contacted me a few times with small talk but not much really happened.

About a week and a half after the split, some of my friends on social media had seen that she had tagged things online to do with the Turk and one making a joke at me basically. I sent her that screen shots and she proceeded to argue with me telling me it was just a joke and to get on with it which I wasn't happy with but I but my tongue. She told me she wasn't a cheat and wanted to be on her own and find herself.

A week or so after she messaged me and said sorry about what she done and told me that she had bad trust issues of my in relation to the girls I spoke to 3.5 years earlier. I accepted that even though I thought it was far fetched and got on with it.

She deleted everyone who ever had anything to do with me off social media, even her "friends" whom were my friends girlfriends that she met through me which they weren't happy about.

 

A couple of days went bye and I was on instagram, not looking for anything no particular and I came across a photo of the Turk with a caption saying I can't wait until September to see my girl and my ex was tagged in it. She had commented back with the amount of days until she went with a pair of lips and a heart. This absolutely tore me to shreds! I sent it to her straight away and told her how I felt and blocked her on everything possible so she could have no contact with me.

 

I don't know how she could do that to me, was she lying to me for the last 12 months telling me she loved me and leading me on with talks of engagement and kids etc or did she actually feel like that and her feelings changed when she went away ? I think I forgot to say that this was her first holiday away from her family or me so she could literally do what she wants.

 

It is so hard for me, I feel so lonely. I know I'm only young and I will probably find someone else in the future but that doesn't make it any easier for me now. I miss her so much but can't forgive her for what she has done but being the soft touch I am, I actually feel like 1 day I would take her back.

 

She had only ever had sexual relations with me and maybe wanted to try new stuff out but this is hard for me to take.

 

I'm sorry for the very long first post but I wanted to get this off my chest. Does anyone have any advice or outside comments for me to take on board or any inspiration for me ? I'm feeling kind of lost as I have good days and be days.

 

Thank you in advance.

[preraph]

Oh, I'm sorry things went this way. I know you're lost and hurting. I wouldn't blame this on the Turk. I'd just say she decided the relationship had run its course. I think once she started being kind of mean to you, even though she apologized, the way you related to each other entered into a different zone, one where she was losing attraction and maybe too comfortable and treating you like a family member or brother or something, not very respectfully at times.

 

I do think she tried to make it work and didn't just throw you away before trying. Even though it felt like an ambush, she had made an effort the last few months to get along better, so she cared enough to make the effort. But it didn't bring back the way she used to feel about you and you know because you said so that a lot of this is just to do with being young and free and expanding your world. She probably just found she wanted some freedom to explore some more. As you said, he hadn't really done that, but yet I can tell from your trips together and apart that she is very exploratory by nature.

 

Yes, you are young and in time you will find someone else. Please don't allow yourself to become so bitter that you think of her as just a cheater or such that you can't remember that for some years, you had a nice relationship. It simply ran its course.

 

I don't like that she is putting things on social media and sort of making fun of you, and you should honestly just block her so she can't get under your skin and not look at her social media at all. Good luck.

[Goodguy05]

Me and my girlfriend have been split up about a month now and I don't really have anyone else to talk to so I wanted to put my heart out to others and seek their opinions.

 

I am a 23 year old male and my ex girlfriend was a year younger than me. We met in college when I was 18 and her 17 just through luck really and just thought that we got on really well. A year went by and we went on holiday together to Egypt. I was always the more laid back one in the relationship and I am easy going, she did not like me having any girls as friends at all. After the year and a half mark I was speaking to 2 girls (in a friendly way) of which she was really unhappy with and which we had major arguments. I know I was in the wrong slightly because I didn't tell her I was talking to them because I knew she wouldn't be happy at all even though it was friends. After the arguments, I cut contact with these people completely.

 

Anyway after going through a bumpy couple of years where we would have arguments about this she started to become aggressive towards me and it made me feel terrible, but I was always too scared to leave the relationship because I loved her so much and all's I wanted was her. I knew at this time she had friends who were boys who I wasn't phased about letting her talk to I just got on with it.

 

At the 3 year mark we went to Turkey on holiday and had a good time albeit a few disagreements also. My girlfriend had been to Turkey 10 times previous to this and loved it. We met a Turkish man a similar age to me and we made good friends with him.

 

Anyway another year goes by whilst we are still good but do have the odd argument but when we were good we were very good. At about the 4 and a half year mark things suddenly picked up after we had a bit of a discussion together and told each other how we felt. Those last 7/8 months were the best months of the relationship as we got along so well. Or so I thought.

 

My girlfriend had always wanted to go on holiday so she booked a trip to Turkey with her sister who is 2 years older. I had noticed around 5 months before she was going that she was messaging said Turk that we met, but assured me that it was only friendly so I thought nothing of it and got on with it.

 

During the 7/8 months when we were at our best, we would be so loving and get on so well, she would be telling me how much she loved me and we had our life planned out how we wanted it to go in terms of children, future careers(I even changed my job on the basis that it would be better for us as a family in the future) and she kept asking me when I was going to propose, I always said when the time was right and it wasn't long away.

 

She went away 2 days after our 5 year anniversary of which we had a few arguments that night over petty things but she apologised straight away recognising her attitude wasn't right. She even put a post on social media saying how lucky she was to have me and that I was her soul mate, it's been the best 5 years of her life and how much she loves me.

 

I take them to the airport and wish her well and tell her to let me know when they are there safe. For the first 3 days of the holiday she was fine and video called me and speaking normally, after that she became very short with me and didn't video call again even after me asking. I thought that she was on holiday enjoying herself so I was probably being a pest.

 

Any way she comes back and I couldn't wait to see her, a week felt like a month. I seen her after work and she seemed not herself but blamed it on being tired as she didn't have much sleep on the flight so I thought nothing of it. We went to bed and cuddled as normal. The next day we planned to see each other and everything was normal until she told me that she was tired and wanted a night to herself, I acknowledged her and said it was fine but what was up as we hadn't seen each other for a week and then only seen each other 1 day and she didn't want to see me again. We normally seen each other every day. She then proceeded to tell me by text after I got it out of her she told me she had had a lot of time to think on her own on holiday and that she hasn't been happy in the relationship for 12 months of which I had no indication what so ever. She told me that she still loved me but wasn't in love with me, and then the final one was that she wasn't attracted to me any more! It absolutely tore my heart apart and it was so unexpected, everyone was so shocked and hurt. I tried to ask her to think about things or see how we were and go on the holiday we had booked and paid for which was 3 and a half weeks away but no avail, it was too far gone. I left contact and she contacted me a few times with small talk but not much really happened.

About a week and a half after the split, some of my friends on social media had seen that she had tagged things online to do with the Turk and one making a joke at me basically. I sent her that screen shots and she proceeded to argue with me telling me it was just a joke and to get on with it which I wasn't happy with but I but my tongue. She told me she wasn't a cheat and wanted to be on her own and find herself.

A week or so after she messaged me and said sorry about what she done and told me that she had bad trust issues of my in relation to the girls I spoke to 3.5 years earlier. I accepted that even though I thought it was far fetched and got on with it.

She deleted everyone who ever had anything to do with me off social media, even her "friends" whom were my friends girlfriends that she met through me which they weren't happy about.

 

A couple of days went bye and I was on instagram, not looking for anything no particular and I came across a photo of the Turk with a caption saying I can't wait until September to see my girl and my ex was tagged in it. She had commented back with the amount of days until she went with a pair of lips and a heart. This absolutely tore me to shreds! I sent it to her straight away and told her how I felt and blocked her on everything possible so she could have no contact with me.

 

I don't know how she could do that to me, was she lying to me for the last 12 months telling me she loved me and leading me on with talks of engagement and kids etc or did she actually feel like that and her feelings changed when she went away ? I think I forgot to say that this was her first holiday away from her family or me so she could literally do what she wants.

 

It is so hard for me, I feel so lonely. I know I'm only young and I will probably find someone else in the future but that doesn't make it any easier for me now. I miss her so much but can't forgive her for what she has done but being the soft touch I am, I actually feel like 1 day I would take her back.

 

She had only ever had sexual relations with me and maybe wanted to try new stuff out but this is hard for me to take.

 

I'm sorry for the very long first post but I wanted to get this off my chest. Does anyone have any advice or outside comments for me to take on board or any inspiration for me ? I'm feeling kind of lost as I have good days and be days.

 

Thank you in advance.

 

Same thing happened to me anytime I hear those words i love u but I'm not in love wth u means I'm seeing someone, they've cheated, or there talking wth someone, or developing feelings for someone had a interest in.

 

The amount of times I've read stories wth this saying on these forums and it's the same thing it's someone else and it's been the case in my own situation ....they will even blame u n say it's all in ur head my ex blamed my own ego and insecurities it became evident later it was a third party all along

 

Its true they've probably not been happy but finally leave because of there new crush...

 

In ur case don't worry too much she won't work out wth this dude from overseas just sit back and wait for it to fall apart and blow up in her face. She may then come crawling back to u. Hopefully u r then able to reject her and move on

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is very hurtful to you.

 

She is very immature. Blaming you for her "trust issues" from years ago (over friends!) is her way of deflecting blame and guilt. She knows she's in the wrong, but she isn't mature enough to admit it and let you go. Instead, she sneaks behind your back and lines up a new guy before dumping you. I guarantee this was in the works from the moment you all met this Turkish man. It likely won't last with him, but the fact that she even allowed it to happen indicates she checked out a long time ago.

 

It also sounds like your relationship was largely unhealthy. Having 7-8 good months doesn't mean much when she spent a lot of that time messaging her secret crush, I'm afraid. Also, there appears to have been substantial arguing throughout and a double-standard for herself.

 

Factor in your respective young ages, and this wasn't something that was going to last. She was a baby when she met you; it will be a long time before she is really ready to commit to one person forever. You also need to get out and experience more. This up-and-down relationship was training wheels for something more mature and adult later. I think you could also take this as a lesson for yourself, in drawing stronger boundaries and not excusing bad behaviour. Her making you cut off friends, for example, is a major red flag and you should not have enabled that. Don't go along with controlling behaviour like that in future relationships.

[lolablue17]

So sad for me to know that most people do not take responsibility for their actions, decisions, behavior. Yes, most of the people I met are busy "fixing the image" of themselves, instead of being honest and direct.

 

They try to prevent confrontation, so they go around a long way to tell you made up stories, just to avoid this unpleasant feeling of knowing they're not so great as they thought they are.

 

The best thing you can do is to face reality as it is. Your ex is immature, weak, and not much of a great gf you thought she was.

Edited June 21, 2017 by lolablue17

[Jt93]

Thank you very much everyone for your kind words and sorry for the late reply... It's been tough and I've been reflecting a lot lately.

I only went along with the things she wanted because I only wanted her and that's all that mattered to me. But looking back at things now I shouldn't have been so co-operative on some things and done what I wanted to do.

I have learned a lot of things that if/when I get into another relationship that I won't do again or do things differently.

 

It doesn't make things any easier though. She must have checked this new person when we met as friends and if now things like that are happening as in her going back over to see him.

I do feel very lonely and I miss having someone there for you in a girlfriend way and someone who is interested in you and cares for you but obviously my ex wasn't for the last 12 months of our relationship... It is hard for me to take but I suppose it just takes time doesn't it...

[Jt93]

Hi everyone again, i thought i would give a bit of an update and possibly get some opinions also.

 

I have been full NC a month tomorrow, well as much as I meant to do, i will explain later.

 

After blocking me on facebook (so i couldnt block her as i couldnt see her profile), as well as deleting/blocking me off all other social media and whatsapp. I received a message off my ex on 3rd July, the last contact being 18th June where i called her out for her relations with the other guy she met on holiday.

The message was on facebook so i knew she had unblocked me to message me. I have not yet opened the message, but it says something along the lines of, "Hi, are you okay? I just wanted to see how you were and how you were getting on. I know you probably dont want to talk to me". I ignored the message and the next day she just sent me a question mark, to which i again didnt open.

 

Since this i have found that she has unblocked me on whatsapp as well.

 

So when we split up, she indicated to me how big a reason it was for her so she could be alone and find herself. i have since seen on instagram (both of our pages are private so cant see each others profile) that her and a male i know, who we follow each other have been liking each others pictures and by knowing my ex, i know they are talking and this guy has a bit of a reputation for trying every girl if you get me. So so much for her wanting to be alone and find her self.

 

In general i feel like i am doing a lot better now than this time last month. The NC helps a lot but there is always the urge to message back but i'm resisting. Ive joined the gym so most weeknights arent a problem and Ive been going out with friends every day possible, and probably drinking a bit too much too but hey-ho its nothing out of control and helps me pass time at weekends, im not too bothered about that.

 

It is still not easy and i really do miss the contact, afterall i feel like ive not only lost my girlfriend but my best friend too. After evaluating, i know it is not specifically her i miss although obviously parts of it are. I am not ready to move on at all yet but i think that will come in time, but its hard with some days not talking to anyone apart from family.

 

I also wanted to ask the opinions of anyone who reads this, why would she bother trying to contacting me again if it was her decision to split up and leave, especially after me calling her out with things and it not ending very happily?

Should i reply to that message in the future or leave it be? it has been 2 weeks since that message she tried to send me now.

 

One final thing, when we were together i bought her a friendship/promise ring around the 3.5 year mark. it wasnt overly expensive but wasnt cheap. At the time of splitting when collecting each others stuff, she wanted to keep the ring "because it looked nice" but i told her i wanted it back. Dont ask why, i just thought i didnt want her walking around with that on. This is now tucked away under my bed along with other things we had like a mini memory box.

What should i do with this? i dont really want to throw it away as it is sentimental and it is just throwing a ring in the bin? should i leave it back with her ? i found some certificates of hers in mine that she will probably need but she hasnt asked me for them. i could post them through her door with the ring in it, so i have NC still or do you not think this is a good idea?

 

Thanks in advance and sorry again for the long reply. If anyone else needs any help or anything on similar matters speak up, its good to get things off your chest.

[clist8511]

Hi JT,

 

I can really understand how you’re feeling as I went through something very similar a few years back. I accidentally found out she was seeing other people while still living with me and then she moved out, leaving all her stuff behind - there were a lot of issues surrounding what to do with all of it until I forced her to come and get it all, so I could move on.

 

OK, so this contact she’s made with you or tried to make with you… firstly, don’t ever reply to her. Not until you’re over her, and this could take a very long time. You want to be at the point where you’ve forgotten she even messaged you, or if she did you wouldn’t even reply because you have nothing to say. These people don’t have any intentions apart from wanting to know that you’re still THERE whenever they want you. It’s cruel, but that’s how they are. Most of the time it’s because they do feel something, but they don’t want you back and they want you as a crutch until they’re 100% over you.

 

The stuff of hers… I personally would just throw it away. I know that you really feel sentimental about these things, but that’s part of the reason why it can be beneficial to just get rid of it all. I have thrown away a lot of my ex’s things, including quite an expensive bag she owned. Yes, that sounds cruel, but what’s crueller is them hurting you. The fact that you’re a nice person is what’s led you to keep these things and you wouldn’t want to hurt anyone by getting rid of them, but it’s about you now. She didn’t care when she threw the relationship away. She can replace the certificates if she really needs to.

 

You seem like a really nice, sensitive guy. You’ve handled this all so well with the NC and the gym etc - you should be really proud of yourself

[Damselpl]

Hi JT

 

I'm going through the same thing, only I'm a girl. I broke up with my boyfriend in January, after 5 years because he was saying he wanted to "experience life". It is so difficult still, even now 6 months later. I’m still crying at times. We were very compassionate, cuddly, and caring together and were together all the time. Until last year, when I had to move 2 hours away for a better job. He didn't want to follow me, he wanted to stay in our home town which is basically a dead end, though very beautiful.

 

Anyway, he started seeing someone else just after Christmas (he finally told me in April).

 

The most painful part of the whole thing is that the last time I texted him, June 1, his response did not sound like him. He now sounds like this new girl. It stopped me cold in my tracks and I told myself NO CONTACT. It's so sad to see someone you love, who you knew was awesome, change into someone else and start sounding like someone you don't even know nor want to know.

 

It's a good idea to not respond to your ex. It's best to not experience what I did. Though maybe it will stop you too. My best friend is gone.

 

It seems your ex reaching out to you is for HER anyway. To appease her mind that she still has you. It might not be her authentically checking on you or wanting to come back. Though you should probably be prepared, because chances are she might want to. You seem to be wonderful and caring person, I hope she realizes what she has soon. I hope you have the strength to know what is best for your heart. Remember, there really is no wrong way.

 

I don't think it's the right time for you to deal with her stuff. Put it safely in a box and put it in the closet. When the time is right, you'll know what to do and will feel good about doing it.

 

Taking care of yourself and working out has been the best way to cope I’ve found. I’ll start getting out more like you are.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why would she bother trying to contacting me again if it was her decision to split up and leave, especially after me calling her out with things and it not ending very happily?

Should i reply to that message in the future or leave it be?

That's her ego talking. She knows she didn't handle the break-up well and she knows she hurt you. She feels bad. So, this is very likely more about soothing her guilt than genuine care. As such, I wouldn't bother responding.

 

One final thing, when we were together i bought her a friendship/promise ring around the 3.5 year mark. it wasnt overly expensive but wasnt cheap. At the time of splitting when collecting each others stuff, she wanted to keep the ring "because it looked nice" but i told her i wanted it back. Dont ask why, i just thought i didnt want her walking around with that on. This is now tucked away under my bed along with other things we had like a mini memory box.

What should i do with this? i dont really want to throw it away as it is sentimental and it is just throwing a ring in the bin? should i leave it back with her ? i found some certificates of hers in mine that she will probably need but she hasnt asked me for them. i could post them through her door with the ring in it, so i have NC still or do you not think this is a good idea?

Don't give the ring back. You didn't want her wearing it before, so what's changed now? Don't flip-flop on that. I have rings and assorted jewelry from my exes. They just hang out in my jewelry box as mementos. If you don't want to keep the ring, donate it. And if she hasn't asked for the certificates, they're obviously not very important to her so I wouldn't worry about returning them at this time.

[Jt93]

firstly, thank you all for responding and giving me your advice.

 

I have still not contacted her and i dont plan to, that doesnt mean that it is easy though. I dont have the urge to contact her any more but the love for that person is still with me and i cant just let that go that easily.

 

During the relationship i thought she was the one and it was going to last forever but obviously not... the last 6 months before the breakup she was constantly asking when i was going to engage to her and talking to female members of my family about wedding dresses and what she would like ! thats the type of thing thats messed with my head. But as the saying goes, shes made her bed and now she has to lie in it. We both knew that looks wise she was above me (of which she reminded me, didnt make me feel too great but i got on with it) but i know for sure my head was in the right place and i treated her right.

 

Clist, i understand what you are saying about throwing her stuff away but i just dont think i can do that, not at the minute anyway. Alls i have left is the ring i bought her, a photo album i made for her and was probably the best present i ever gave her, it didnt cost a lot but there was pictures of us/her family/pets in there and memories. I also have all of the teddies that i bought her in a bin bag. Although i dont want them i just dont feel like i can throw all of them away, not yet anyway.

 

Damselpl, your ex doesnt sound like a nice guy from the small impression you gave me in your post, it is definately a good thing for you that you 2 didnt spend longer together. i think im just going to leave the stuff were it is at the minute and when i feel right, deal with it at the time.

 

ExpatinItaly, your first comment flicked a light bulb in my head, thank you very much! I believe that is the exact reason as her last message before sending me them was just abusive, so that explains the change of heart all of a sudden.

 

I dont think i could keep the ring in a jewellery box, how would i explain that if i ever had another gf?

 

 

im not too sure what i want now either, i got great news about 2 weeks after we split up about i job that i was going for of which i start in feb and last weekend i booked myself a nice little 2 month holiday as a treat before i start my new job so things are looking up!

Regarding dating again, i think ive forgotten how to talk to females haha... i never used on line dating before and find it quite awkward to try and sort of impress people or get interest in myself just through messages, id much rather meet people face to face but that could be a bit odd for myself.

 

I do not know if i am ready to date yet, some parts of me think i am whilst others dont. I know 100% i am not ready for a relationship yet and i dont really want one until i am settled in my new job, would you say it would be selfish of me to talk or date other girls during this time given the way i am feeling? I am also liking the time to myself to do what i want when i want without having to consult with someone else but at the same time i miss the company and the cuddles and the good parts of a relationship...

 

I dont know why but all of my posts on this forum seem very long sorry in advance

[Chi townD]

Dude, when I read your first post and then the follow up, I KNEW she was going to reach out to you. I just had to find it in the posts. Dude, she cheated on you and lied. She knows she did you wrong. She may not admit it, but deep down she knows she did. And when you went completely dark, I know it was only going to be a matter of time before he reached out.

 

Dude, it's guilt. Nothing more. The one thing that MOST girls hate is knowing that there might be a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think that they are a nice person. She can't gauge you on social media, so she reached out to you to see if this is the case.

 

Don't respond, stay NC. If you respond and she see's that you're okay. Then you've just given a reason for her to forgive herself. We want our Ex's to hold onto their guilt. Not to punish them, but to have them learn from it. That you can't treat people like she treated you and expect folks to be okay with it.

[Jt93]

Thanks chi town, unfortunately for myself I think you are right even though still to this day she stands by not cheating on me (not my contact, others have told me what she said) and even if she hasn't physically cheated she has still gone out there with the intention of. I have seen as well her and a few other men liking each other's posts on social media, I don't have her on there but have them and see it on their pictures so so much for her wanting to be alone.

 

I know my heart was in the right place and I always treated her as best as I could and I know that yeah maybe she could get better looks wise than me but she will struggle to find someone who put up with her bad points and made her happy.

 

I'm not going to contact her again, I dread the day that I see her out as we do live within 5 miles of each other.

 

I do feel as if I'm getting better and better every day although I am still hurting and really confused it is getting slightly easier.

[Jt93]

Got some tough news at the weekend which has set me back quite a bit.

 

Basically me and my ex and my friend and his gf were all good friends, we went on holiday to Mexico in September last year.

 

I got told on Saturday night from someone else that my ex got intimate with one of the holiday reps/DJs over there without me knowing, even though i was there on the night. At the time i didnt suspect anything at all but when i got told it sounded plausible.

 

So i now have a few problems, firstly this "story" can only have came from my friend and his gf as the details were too close for it to be made up. So they have let me go back to the hotel room that night with my ex, let me stay on holiday with her, when we came back they didnt say anything and even when we split up they never told me, and these guys were supposed to be my close friends.

The other side could be that they made that story up to make my ex look bad as they dont like her now either, but again they should have told me if they did.

They are both on holiday at the minute so im going to wait and speak to them, face to face.

 

Other problem is obviously, if its true that my ex actually done this to me? i thought i could trust that girl but obviously not. It has just messed with my head completely and sent me backwards.

 

I feel like part from my immediate family there is no one i can trust. I am still keeping busy as much as i can but i am really not enjoying work at the minute, i have a new job starting in feb and leaving my job at the end of November so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I just feel very lonely at the minute and feel like I have no one, i am talking to a few people and been on a couple of dates but it just doesnt feel right, they are really nice girls and attractive but something isnt there but i crave the company.

 

Sorry about the rant just wanted to get things off my chest, what do you guys think about my so called friends? i am going to pull them up about it and at the minute i am thinking that they are no friends of mine if that has happened and they havent told me but have told other people?

Regards to my ex, i am still NC but i am so angry with her.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry to hear the bad news you got, OP. I can understand your hurt and anger at all parties involved.

 

My ex was unfaithful too, after 7.5 years together. I also didn't really get confirmation of the extent of his betrayal until after we had split. It's a tough pill to swallow.

 

Speak to these friends of yours when they return. Don't tell them everything you know, not yet. Tell them you have heard from a reliable source that your ex behaved badly on the Mexico trip and that they know the details. Ask them to be honest and tell you what they know. See if the stories match. I am curious how exactly that happened, given you were there. That requires quite calculated deception on your ex's part.

 

If they in fact did know she cheated and never said a word to you, I would not consider them friends of mine anymore. I understand people don't like to get involved in others' business, but come on. They had no problem telling other people about it, so they clearly weren't too bothered about discretion and protecting you from hurt.

 

I can say that nearly 5 years after breaking up with my aforementioned ex, yes, it's hard to trust again. I still work at it. But I have also been with a lovely man for the last 2.5 years, and I know I cannot hold him (or myself!) emotional hostage for my ex's mistakes. You can have faith in a partner again, but it does take mindful effort and time.

[Jt93]

Hi Expat, thanks again for your reply!

 

It sounds like we have similarities in our situations, it is difficult news to find out. Although it has hurt me more what my friends have done if what im finding out is the truth, my ex is already gone but just makes it hurt a bit more where as my friends i thought were here for me, obviously not...

 

I got confirmation last night from the person who told me that they definitely both knew as they told her when they were both there. so it is not looking good.

 

Your last point is what i'm worrying about though, I can cope with making new friends and losing people but im scared that it is going to affect me in relationships later in life although i know i cant let it affect me, it will always be there sub consciously.

[Jt93]

just a little bit of an update that can possibly help others through similar situations,

 

its about 3 and a half months since the break up now and in general im getting better every week, yes i do still have bad times but they are not as often as they were.

 

I drove past my ex on Friday, which will be the first time ive seen her since about a week after splitting up, i know she seen me and she looked like she had just seen a ghost... i laughed it off and got on with things thinking nothing of it.

 

I went to a get together at one of my friends houses that night where my ex of about 6 months from maybe 9 years ago was there and said that my most recent ex tried to add her on facebook for a 2nd time which she deleted, which again i thought was strange.

 

Then finally on Saturday, i was speaking to the couple who me and my ex went on holiday with and were very close with. My ex had got in contact with her (even though they had fell out too) and asked if i had a new girlfriend because thats what someone had told her... my friend said no and why did she ask and she said that it didnt matter.

The last thing that baffles me the most is that my ex said to my friend that she would love to be friends with me again but she knows that will never happen!

 

im glad she knows that i dont want to be friends with her and regarding the girlfriend bit, i dont know if thats just her making that up and asking for her own good or someone is trying to cause trouble, because its not the first time she has asked my friend since we have split up.

 

Oh as well she is going on holiday to Turkey again today, and if you had read the rest of my posts, would probably make you laugh.

 

Overall this has made me feel good knowing that she still thinks about me and i think she may feel guilty but im getting used to my own time now, it isnt as hard dealing with time alone now and i am thinking about her less and less.

 

Just thought id get things off my chest, if anyone has any opinions feel free to share!

[Jt93]

just thought id give an update of this thread, I was out with friends for a birthday over the weekend and I had a picture sent to me on my phone by a cousin of mine.

 

My ex has now put on facebook that she is in a relationship with this Turkish fella who lives a 5 hour flight away who has never been to my country before and she has only seen for about 40 days of her life, well over half of them being with me.

 

My honest reaction was that I just burst into laughter. Its a good sign for me that i didn't feel hurt about that, and now i actually feel sorry for her, knowing that it is never ever going to work and i know what this person is like. He will be with different girls every night but not my problem anymore.

 

If anything I feel thats helped me get over it more. I am missing her less and less every day and now i dont think i miss her at all. I miss having companionship with someone but i am still not ready or comfortable dating yet but i am acceptant of that and now getting on with my life! for everyone whos in a similar situation, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it is hard but that light is getting brighter and bigger every day for me!

[Wobugan]

just thought id give an update of this thread, I was out with friends for a birthday over the weekend and I had a picture sent to me on my phone by a cousin of mine.

 

My ex has now put on facebook that she is in a relationship with this Turkish fella who lives a 5 hour flight away who has never been to my country before and she has only seen for about 40 days of her life, well over half of them being with me.

 

My honest reaction was that I just burst into laughter. Its a good sign for me that i didn't feel hurt about that, and now i actually feel sorry for her, knowing that it is never ever going to work and i know what this person is like. He will be with different girls every night but not my problem anymore.

 

If anything I feel thats helped me get over it more. I am missing her less and less every day and now i dont think i miss her at all. I miss having companionship with someone but i am still not ready or comfortable dating yet but i am acceptant of that and now getting on with my life! for everyone whos in a similar situation, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it is hard but that light is getting brighter and bigger every day for me!

 

 

Wow just what the actual ****, this has to be one of the most ****ed up things i have ever read.

[Jt93]

Wow just what the actual ****, this has to be one of the most ****ed up things i have ever read.

 

thats how i feel inside. Obviously to her the last couple of years of the relationship were filled with her actually liking him and speaking to him over text/online and when she finally went over on her own, i imagine that things happened. It hurts like hell to know what shes done to me and she has made me feel so bad for this time.

 

I have only just today, after 4 and a half months of being split up deleted the pictures of us off my phone. This was such a hard thing to do. It brought back so many memories of our holidays together and times spent. I have moved them onto my hard drive so if i see them, its by me trying to look for them.

 

The loneliness still hurts though, i crave the attention and companionship from another person but i know i am not ready, my confidence is at rock bottom and im never in situations where i meet many new people yet, especially females. i am struggling at the minute but just counting down the days until my holiday for then my life will change, with the experiences that i have on my travels and then a completely new job when i come back, hopefully nothing will remind me of my ex and i am able to move on and meet more people.

[Jt93]

A quick update for anyone who is interested or in a similar position.

 

It has now been 5 and 1/2 months since the BU and i am feeling better than I have been since. Not much has changed in the things that I am doing, I think it is just me getting on with life.

 

It was my birthday last week and my Ex contacted me the day after wishing me a happy birthday and that she hoped I had a good day. I honestly laughed when I seen that message and I havent even opened it.

 

Also i told some friends about the message that she sent me and they told me that she had been posting a lot on snapchat lately how she wasnt feeling good and just wanted someone to cuddle. They also said that her relationship with the person she left me for only lasted 3 weeks. So she is obviously only getting back in touch with me because she thinks I am safe and will make her feel better.

 

I feel proud that I am now at a point where I know this and do not feel anything for her. This is the 3rd message she has sent me in a row that I have not replied to now, hopefully she gets the message.

 

Dont get me wrong, theres nothing more I would have liked for none of this to happen. But it has and its done. For anyone in a similar position to me, please know that time against healing is not relative and has its ups and downs but in the long term it definitely gets easier if you apply yourself to getting through things.

 

I may possibly update further in the future if i feel the need to but at this minute id like to say thanks to everyone who has offered their kind words to me and helped me through this.