rebound relationships. proceed with caution.

[hanksandbubbles]

I'm sure there have been tons of cases like mine, but as I am a young (18) year old girl who is slowly learning the painful lessons of life, I decided to post my question up on here anyways.

 

Things were progressing wonderfully with my ex. He was starting to take me to family dinners, left me 'i miss you' messages etc. etc.

Then, he starts to slide in the communication department.

For two days, I hear nothing from him. After countless books i've read describing men, I understood that I should leave him alone, wait for him to comeback, and then talk in a calm manner.

I finally see him on mother's day. He's all over me, and of course I'm thinking, "what the hell?"

Turns out that for the past month, he's been thinking for up to 6 hours a day, of whether or not he should break up with me.

The reason: He recently got out of a serious relationship of 15 months, we met one week after the break up, and went out two months afterwards. Apparently things were going so well with us, he could see himself spending a long time with me. He could see us going into the next stage of the relationship. Now this is where I get confused.

He breaks down emotionally. He keeps telling me that he didn't want to hurt me, but apparenlty he can't handle a serious relationship right now. Although he states that he is over his ex, he feels that he can not get over the trust issue of relationships.

I'm in complete shock.

Before I leave, he tells me that he definately wants me in his life. And that there may be a chance of reconciliation in the future, since there will always be a sense of wonder of how things would have turned out if he would have stayed with me.

He tells me that I can text him, and that we can take our dogs together for a walk.

We make plans to see each other the next day.

However, he cancels because he gets a new job (understandable).

He breaks into no contact mode again. Of course me, being kinda unaware that NC was happing, msg him saying "Hi?". I get no response.

My question is this.

Does he really want to be friends with me? Or has he realized that because things were going well, yet he couldn't handle it, he can never see me again?

I'm thinking about sending him a message in a month saying "Hi". I would love to be friends with him, and just the fact that he said he "will always have feelings for me" gives me thoughts of hope for the future. Something I really don't want, because they stop me from moving on completely.

ARG.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Don't contact him. Let him contact you, since he is setting the pace. He is setting the pace he is comfortable with, and if you try to interfere with his 'comfortable pace' in any way, he will back off further. Don't take to heart anything he has said to you that seems 'hopeful'. It seems hopeful because you want it to. Pay attention to his actions. If he currently has you on 'no contact' then that is what you should be paying attention to - not stuff he said prior to that.

[upsetnhurt]

hanks and bubbles,

 

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can only tell you that although he thinks he is over his ex....he needs a lot more time to grasp what has happened between them and determine the "goods and bads" in order to then learn and utilize for any future relationship. In one sense he is doing you a great favor as these lapses in communication would never have stopped as he would continually fall back at the slightest thoughts of his past. He would never be able to see you for who you are as he is still in the comparison mode. So just go with the flow and if it is meant to be it will be.

 

Now to the current friendship. Unfortunately since you both have become so close with one another it is extremely difficult to take a step back to have a friendship at the current time. Too many feelings are still there and you both need time to sit back and understand those feelings. Add to it the extreme guilt he has in hurting you and the desires he has in being with you intimately makes for a very bad time hanging out especially considering the circumstances. Like Lucrezia said in her post, let him dictate the contact and don't feel the need to keep reminded him that you are there as he knows. For you, you need to assume he will never be ready for a friendship or more and as much as that hurts now, it will allow you to move on with your life.

 

I tell you this from current experience as I am going through the same things as you just a bit farther down the road. I dated a great girl for a year following her previous relationship of four years. It was all good between us yet she never had time to move on from her previous ex and attempted to grieve for that relationship during our time together. Every moment we were apart she would do more thinking and get more upset. She never meant too yet she started comparing my actions to his and truly had romanticized what she had with him (only remembered the good rather than reconciling the bad, I could not win in that situation!). Six months have gone by with very little contact and all of the sudden she started to communicate a bit more (used my b-day as the start). We have spent the last three weeks spending time together most days and it all seemed great and I definitely was happy again. All of the sudden I sensed a lapse in communication and I asked her why and she said that she got scared again as all those thoughts came back. She realized that she still had not healed and as much as she enjoyed being with me she knows deep down that we need to stay away from one another again. That hurt! I know can easily rationalize all this and you will be able to also down the road and realize that timing is everything! Falling in love should happen naturally and if it is meant to be it will be. Don't rush it by texted him every month....give him as much time as he needs yet at the same point just move on and live your life. Quite possibly when he is ready you will be far away and far more happier in your own life. I hope that is the case............