Friend breaking up with girlfriend he doesn't really love

[sarah12]

Moderator's Note: This post has been split from another thread (link below), as it pertains to a different issue and different people.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t62617/

 

Wow, excellent advice here from everyone.

 

I do have a few questions to the men on here who have ended relationships because they just knew the person wasn't the one. I'm trying to help out a friend (he really is a friend) who can't bring himself to do the breaking up.

 

1. Did you ever go back after knowing the person wasn't the one? only to break up again? If so, what made you go back? I am curious b/c for me, once I've started feeling that I didn't love the person, there was no going back. Not sure if it's the same for men.

 

2. Do you feel you are taking a risk of never finding anything better? My friend is concerned about this and I don't know how to convince him that there is someone out there more compatible with him than the current gf. I'm having a hard time doing this without bringing up all the negatives about (and thereby offending) the current gf.

[westernxer]

1. No. Once it's over, why go back? Some do it because they can't stand being alone. Or they just have sex every so often until they find someone else who rocks their world.

 

2. No. Much happier being on my own than with someone who isn't a long term prospect. I've always been pretty good about not leading them on. Then I take a long breaks in-between... but, then again, I've always marched to my own drummer. The only guys who hang on are those who lack self-confidence, because they think they can do no better than what they've currently got. Plus it's convenient. Sad but true.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I met a guy, and I guess I led him to believe we were starting something. When I realized this, we talked and decided it best to end contact. I had to see him again to pick up something I left at his house and now we are very much in contact. He still knows I'm not ready for a relationship, but has a hard time understanding why not and I have a hard time explaining that I am waiting for something better to come along.

 

I can't tell him that! He is a potential good friend, and we joke that he will be my booty call, so that I don't sleep around. He feels that if two people are more than friends, like us, then we should build on that.

 

I'm fairly fresh out of my marriage AND rebound/affair relationship. While I would love to have him as a friend, and he knows this, why do I feel guilty talking/flirting with guys online, and planning dates with some of them?

 

Back to the topic of the post, I went back, but I'm afraid I may end up breaking his heart AGAIN and having NC again.

[fundamental]

Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

I met a guy, and I guess I led him to believe we were starting something. When I realized this, we talked and decided it best to end contact. I had to see him again to pick up something I left at his house and now we are very much in contact. He still knows I'm not ready for a relationship, but has a hard time understanding why not and I have a hard time explaining that I am waiting for something better to come along.

 

I can't tell him that! He is a potential good friend, and we joke that he will be my booty call, so that I don't sleep around. He feels that if two people are more than friends, like us, then we should build on that.

 

I'm fairly fresh out of my marriage AND rebound/affair relationship. While I would love to have him as a friend, and he knows this, why do I feel guilty talking/flirting with guys online, and planning dates with some of them?

 

Back to the topic of the post, I went back, but I'm afraid I may end up breaking his heart AGAIN and having NC again.

 

Have you slept with him?/Have a relationship with him? I guess he has the potential to be a good friend because you are not physically attracted to him. You must have some sort of feelings for this guy or else why would you feel guilty.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I feel guilty because I slept with him .... twice.

[sarah12]

Originally posted by westernxer

1. No. Once it's over, why go back? Some do it because they can't stand being alone. Or they just have sex every so often until they find someone else who rocks their world.

 

2. No. Much happier being on my own than with someone who isn't a long term prospect. I've always been pretty good about not leading them on. Then I take a long breaks in-between... but, then again, I've always marched to my own drummer. The only guys who hang on are those who lack self-confidence, because they think they can do no better than what they've currently got. Plus it's convenient. Sad but true.

 

I completely agree with you. I just don't understand why people do go back though? It seems a lot of people fall into the breaking up/getting back together pattern and I just don't understand why. And I've found that a lot of the time the guy is the one who has a harder time being alone. Or maybe that's just in my experience b/c I don't have a problem being alone/without a boyfriend.

 

I just don't know what to say to my friend who is afraid that there's nothing else out there and is afraid to take the risk of breaking up with his girlfriend (even though he has broken up with her a few times before).

[lola59]

I understand completely what you are talking about sarah12. Sounds like we know the same guy. My friend just decided to break up with his girlfriend two months ago after a year of living together with her. But then, two weeks ago, got back together with her! The thing that gets me is that he had been talking about how unhappy he was months and months before he broke up with her, how the relationship was a mistake, and how many things he couldn't stand about her! He was very lonely afterward though, and I think that had more to do with it than anything. He thought he'd never find anyone else, etc. But then, he got back together with her! So, to me, he is just settling. Oh, and another thing is, he said she's changed. After two months? I don't think so. It's going to turn into exactly what it was before. She's just all nice now, so he'd take her back.

 

I have to agree too, I think guys have a harder time being alone. I just don't understand why they would want to be with someone and unhappy, rather than alone and happy????

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes nostalgia can be a stronger pull than something new if the interest in the 'something new' is only slightly above neutral. Without a strong emotional pull toward the new - nostalgia pulls you back into comfort and security - or at least a perceived sense of comfort and security.

 

Something new pulls you into an unknown: and that fear of the unknown, paired with a meager emotional investment for the new - is what will drive a person back into a situation that they know and are comfortable with. You can sign a legal document guaranteeing the person a chance at happiness if they leave to be with you, but if the old situation is tolerable, and his peers/family support it, and he himself is only at about a 50-60% interest level with the new person ... then he will go back to what he knows best. Even if you see it as going back to misery, he sees it as going back to something he knows.

 

The chance at happiness is not worth losing his comfort and security (despite how miserable he is in the situation).

 

If his interest level for the new person goes higher - say, up above 80% (the infatuated, obsessed.. 'I must be with you' sort of thing, with absolutely no hesitation) - then no comfort and security in the world will keep him in the old situation. He'll step out of the old relationship in a heartbeat.

 

I was in the same boat. I was with a guy for years. My family loved him, my friends loved him, his friends loved me, we had all these future plans but... I wasn't really happy with him or the idea of a future together. I stayed with him though, because he represented comfort, my future, etc. We broke up once, and I started seeing someone else but went right back to the first guy after a couple of months. Why? Because the first guy used a phrase that represented a special time for us: a pet phrase that mirrored a level of intimacy that I knew I would never reach with the 'dating' guy. My emotional investment in the new 'dating' guy wasn't enough for me to give up what the relationship with the first guy represented. I really liked the 'dating' guy - and we shared some good times and I would have liked to have been with him but I just didn't like him enough not to want to go back to the first guy.

 

However... enter second guy. I fell head over heels crazy for this guy and against the advice of my family, my friends, my peers, his family - all of them - I broke it off for good with the first guy. I gave up all that for this second guy because I was absolutely nuts about him. It was worth it to me to give up everything else for him. Had I not felt that way about him, I probably would have stayed with the first guy out of nostalgia, guilt, obligation, comfort, familiarity...

 

That is probably the dilemma your guy is in right now. He isn't leaving the first relationship because he hasn't found enough of an external reason to leave. He may like you, and want to be with you but... not enough to give up what he already has. You can try to guarantee him happiness, but the key is that he has to be able to guarantee himself happiness before he will leave.