Out of the blue

[bocococo]

Hi all, I've been reading this forum on and off for the past 3 months and it's been very helpful. I'm just looking for some insight on literally 'what happened to him?!' in my case. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

So my ex and I have been broken up for about 3 months now, NC for about 1.5 months. We were very close friends in college for about 5 years and started dating afterwards when we were both single finally. Our romantic relationship lasted for 6.5 years, all told we were very close to each other for almost 12 years. It was like we were still best friends but with sex. We would fight maybe once or twice a year and then talk about how lucky we were we fought so little and got over it so well. We went through a lot together from being poor and barely able to eat to getting decent jobs where we even worked at the same place and had fun. Our relationship was good, it really was. I believe that.

 

I was blindsided when he broke up with me, I didn't see it coming at all and neither did anyone else apparently. Initially he blamed me with things I'd never heard of before like 'trying to trap him' when I offered him a job at the company I was starting. The original idea to start a company was ours but very vague, we just knew we didn't want to work for another jerk in a suit. I was the one who hammered out the details and spent all my time working on it to get it off the ground. I still wanted him to be part of it and asked for his input all the time which he seemed to gladly give. Mind you, if I was trying to trap him you'd think he'd have brought this up when I asked him to marry me a year ago and he said yes.

 

After his other excuses didn't make any sense in very similar ways, I asked him what was really going on. I asked him if he was leaving me for someone which I was deathly afraid of. He sat down and quietly started telling me it was him, not me and he wasn't leaving me for someone. He was 'messed up' and had emotional issues he needed to deal with. He was tired of relying on people like me to help him get through his emotional problems and he needed to spread his wings and learn to rely on himself. He also said he was jealous of me, my artistic skills and my ambitions. I was still sad but more worried for him, I was afraid he was extremely depressed and needed help.

 

Let me side track to explain the depression issue. His grandmother who was a pillar of his family had passed only a few months prior and no one in his family was taking it well at all. I was there for him through the whole thing, crying and holding him when he needed it. I attended her funeral and even his sister's wedding two weeks before he broke up with me out of the blue. He was also struggling at work, being irritable with some of the more annoying coworkers and was dealing with his usual seasonal depression on top of it. So all in all I was afraid the break up was him trying to deal with his depression by pushing me away even though I wasn't the source of his unhappiness (unless he was seriously faking for a long time).

 

I tried to offer him every option I could think of to get him to stay and work with me on whatever the problem was. Counseling, couples counseling, him moving out but us staying together and working through it, etc. After what we'd been through over the years I knew we could talk about anything. He would appear to think about it briefly and then reply no, he needed to go spread his wings and grow as a person. I was devastated he wouldn't even try to save our long term relationship after this was the first I was hearing of any 'problems'.

 

We work together so I tried to go back to normalcy as much as possible. We went to work, went home and talked every day for the rest of the week but nothing changed. The next week goes by and suddenly he stops showing up to lunch and so does a female member of staff who I considered a friend. I thought he was leaning on her emotionally during the break up but they weren't that good of friends prior and he had other better friends he could confide in. I started thinking 'crazy', 'They couldn't possibly be together, right?! Who would do that, it's nuts!!' as did some of my coworkers.

 

Trying to cut this short, eventually our boss had to get involved because the female coworker is her sister in law and our boss made my ex tell me the truth. He called me out to a coffee shop to talk and told me he felt he'd been leading me on, we could no longer be friends and yes, he was seeing her and they were moving in together at the end of the week.

 

My head was spinning. How do you go from a good long term relationship to breaking up out of the blue with no warning/reason and simply slide into a new relationship/life with someone who is not only a coworker to you both, but your ex's friend and whom you've barely known for 2 years? Oh and I forgot to mention, this female coworker is also MARRIED and conveniently announced her separation from her husband right around the same time my ex dumped me. They were hanging out at concerts (with other friends as well afaik) for the 2 months before he dumped me. I wasn't worried, I'm not a crazy gf who won't let her bf out to do stuff on his own and I trusted the female coworker, plus with her being married. But I think they planned the whole thing at those concerts... the timing is too good to be true.

 

I feel so incredibly lied to, so much for spreading his wings and learning to do things for himself! And hurt, I feel very hurt. This is so unlike him. The boss told me that the female coworker (her sister in law) 'does this' and she 'can't be alone'. She'd called a family intervention to try and get her to stop but it did no good, she was 'too happy'. I feel like she manipulated my ex as a reason to get out of her marriage but he's also an idiot for falling for it.

 

So my question is, is it possible all the life drama and depression he had/has going on right now that he tried to push reset on his life by dumping me and immediately starting up with her?? After I was there for him through all of it, super supportive, did everything I could to save our relationship after he brought the problems to my attention..? Or is he just a giant dick and I should have seen this coming somehow?? What the hell happened??? What do you guys think?

 

I don't know what to think or what I should do if he ever comes back and wants forgiveness. No one thinks this insane rebound they're pulling on each other is going to work out, so I could see him eventually trying to come back. If it was the depression, I get it... but it doesn't excuse all the lies. If he just went nuts or was always like this secretly and decided to be a jerk well, that's something else entirely.

 

Thanks for reading~

[Craig87]

Hey,

 

This totally sucks, and it sounds like some of the stuff my ex tried to pull on me. The reality is that this person is a damaged human.

 

I don't think his intentions were bad, however, I do not think he knows the way the world works yet. This is shown by the fact that your boss had to make him take you out and explain the situation, and further that there is so much meddling in personal affairs at work.

 

I think this guy is unfamiliar with how a normal relations hip like yours works, and there is absolutely no way that the one he is engaged in will work out. The relationship that that hey have is built on codependency and probably guilt which means either he or the girl who left him will probably cheat and stay in the relationship until it explodes since both seem like weak individuals. I would walk away from this.

 

I know you love this guy, but do yourself a favor. Make a real list of long term requirements of at least 10 to 20 things that you would have wanted him to do and save it.

 

The next thing you should do is make a list of 10 to 15 genuine things that you have in common, and by that I mean important things not things like you both enjoy Chipotle. Make a list of 15 things that are like, I want kisd, I want to live near the mountains, I want to retire in 30 years... I am Repubcan or Democrat and these are the reasons why....etc.

 

The first list you should keep for your new partner, or, if this guy somehow gets his **** together for him. You will not compromise on any items on this list. This list is how you expect to be treated in a relationship regardless of who you are with.

 

The second list will help you see whether or not you actually had a lot in common or just a strong connection. Also, it will help you identify how much you really truly know about your partner and how much they knew about you. It will help guide you to a point which will answer your question.

 

My suspicion is that one person made a much more investment than the other and for one reason or another you do not truly know each other as well as you thought you did because someone was always hiding something.

 

Lastly, this is hard but you should walk away. Delete his number and her number (because **** her) that woman doesn't deserve an ounce if sympathy, and to be honest neither does he. Delete social media, and freeze everything out. This is a new chapter, and that one is over. Even if you do have a relationship in the future it will be different, and I assume you would want it to. In order to get to a place where can have that, you need to heal.

 

He left. He made a choice that hurt you, and when he comes around, only he needs to suffer for it. You are doing your suffering now, and no contact is part of that. Get it out of the way. If and only if, AFTER he suffers, he decides that he still wants to make amends, and more importantly you are okat with it, then you can start testing him against that list that you made.

 

Until then, go on dates, learn to recieve love the way you deserve. Eat healthy, hit the gym, and know that while it may take a long time to find someone you have that connection with, it doesn't mean you can't have fun along the way .

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Order the book

Rebuilding: when your relationship ends by Bruce Fisher.

It will open your eyes to everything.

 

My relationship situation/break up was similar as yours. Though mine has not admitted to seeing someone else ... yet.

 

I have learned so much from this book.

[spiderowl]

My feeling is that he was happy with you but it had become too familiar and comfortable. This is not a fault, it is just something that happens over a period of time.

 

Just as he was at this stage, along comes this 'siren' who he became infatuated with. He then started to want his independence from you. He wasn't being entirely truthful about this. He may have been needing something different for a while.

 

It was obviously an awful shock for you and you had every right to expect to trust him. No-one is immune from emotional and physical involvement with someone else. For whatever reason, he allowed himself to get involved with her. Whether she is using him or whether it will last is another matter really. The point is, you trusted him and he let you down.

 

Because of the time you have been together and the things you have been through together in life, in some respects your relationship was like a marriage. He had probably not had much other experience and maybe started to think he should. Then she came along. This sounds almost like an affair. I guess what happens now depends on whether he comes to regret the 'affair' or whether it develops into something long lasting. It might end but he might not wish to come back.

 

Sometimes people take partners back after they have had an affair. I do think some are just looking for other experiences, not necessarily to leave the partners they love and trust. But, he cut you off for her. He misled you. It will be hard to forgive him and to trust again, even if he does find he made a mistake.

 

It could be your romantic relationship with him has run its course - maybe not on your part but on his. He was the one who got involved with someone else. If you want to forgive and forget (if he comes back), then that is up to you, but you will forever be on the back foot, waiting for the next 'affair' to start. Given that you and he have not actually been married yet, it seems too much hassle to start a marriage like this, definitely not the right way to build trust. Would you ever trust him again?

Edited August 1, 2017 by spiderowl