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Did I Lose Her For Good


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This is my first time posting on something like this, but I'm doing it to heal and refrain from reaching out.

 

My ex and I dated for 8-months, lived together for 5 of them. Things were great and nobody made me happier; however, a certain ADD prescription would drastically change my personality creating a hostile, confrontational and downright weird person, which is totally unlike myself at any other time. She hated when I took it, but given years of the prescription and job stress from start-up life I continued to take it. Overtime this led to abusing them and not even being productive, but as the intake increased my personality changes worsened, I was beginning to not even recognize myself.

 

A month or so before the end she had enough, but gave me the opportunity to go back to my parents cross-country and recover while she waited. I went home and kind of blew that off and spent time with friends rather than facing my problem. After a few weeks home I returned, and within only a few days I broke my promise to myself and her and went back to my old ways.

 

I did everything I could to try to hide it, even masked taking them with alcohol when I knew I would be heading home to see her, on top of attacking her for accusing me (I guess a weird defense mechanism). This led to a huge fight, ultimately kicking me out.

 

I am not mad at her at all and completely understand why she made her decision, she has a dependent and put her foot down on an issue and I refused to respect that.

 

(the information below all occurred within 20-days)

 

I returned to my parents and began seeking the help that I needed. Talking for the first week or so was filling with apologies from me and me trying to 'fix' things, and her saying she wants to remain broken up, but will be there for me if I needed anything.

 

A few days without talking went by and she called because she missed me, at this point I acted on emotion and began blowing up her phone. I could tell I was pushing her away, but just thought I could say the right thing to change her mind, even though I know that if she were to come back it would be because I've made the changes and it is what she wants. I was then blocked, panicked and began calling from my family landline or *67ing my own number, this lasted 2-3 days. Before I heard that the number has been disconnected. I tried sending a few emails and social messages for the next 3-days, no reply. The last message I sent was saying when I would be returning in a few months and I would like to get coffee or lunch if that is something you would like.

 

I'm really hurting, 2-months ago we were discussing engagement, she was my best friend and I chose a pill over her. I should have taken what she said seriously.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

None of us can answer your question, but one thing's for sure, the only chance you do have to get her back is to stop doing what you're doing and get yourself healthy. Behaving the way you are now is a guaranteed fail.

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Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you won't. That's up to you.

 

Like they say you never know what you had until it's gone.

 

If she wasn't gone up front your inundating her after probably finished this off.

 

Fix yourself for any future relationships if you're smart

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Thank you for the reply, I am now seeing a counselor and working out as well as working without them. This is all recent, but I know I am taking the time and steps I need in order to recover. I guess I am so ashamed of myself and having a I can't believe this happened to me moment.

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Very true, I never thought she would leave. I respect her for putting her foot down, but afraid I really broke everything for good.

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My ex and I dated for 8-months, lived together for 5 of them. Things were great and nobody made me happier;

 

I'm really hurting, 2-months ago we were discussing engagement, she was my best friend and I chose a pill over her. I should have taken what she said seriously.

 

 

You didn't chose a pill over her. You took prescription medication to address your ADD. I'm not sure why you felt is was OK to mix that prescription with booze. Perhaps look into that

 

 

I think part of your problem is you both moved too fast without a proper foundation. You never should have even discussed living together until you had been together for at least a year. To be discussing marriage at the 6 month mark seems irresponsible to me.

 

 

Slow your pace in your next relationship. The hypersonic speed killed your relationship not your condition or your medication.

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I can honestly say, that pill when abused will change you and the aftermath of taking it single handedly wrecked things.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I can honestly say, that pill when abused will change you and the aftermath of taking it single handedly wrecked things.

 

Do you have a prescription for it? Were you taking more than you were supposed to?

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I'm embarrassed to say but that pill became my priority and unless I could find it I had no motivation to do anything.

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I guess my question is do you think if I get myself together and healthy again is there a chance to even reconsile

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Well, at least you learned something, which is that no one wants to deal with an addict. And you're getting help. Follow your dr's instructions exactly. You do not know better than him/her.

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Very true, and very unfortunate it reached the rock bottom point, but yes it was a huge eye opening experience and I will never take that path again and follow exactly what's suggested.

 

I guess if she will never want to speak to me, I will understand.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I guess my question is do you think if I get myself together and healthy again is there a chance to even reconsile

 

Impossible for the interwebs to answer for you, but I wouldn't think it would be completely out of the realm of possibility. <3

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She's a forgiving person and I know she is happy that I'm taking these steps as well as misses me. I wouldn't really want her to meet me again until I am recovered and hopefully that allows for a fresh start.

 

I don't know if this is the place to do this, but I know I'm going to be wanting to reach out at times, and was hoping to vent on here. I know nobody here knows me and that's ok I'd rather things be confidential, but all support is greatly appreciated.

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You posted in relationships and I understand that's your pain right now. But for someone like me, who doesn't know you, I see the med addiction as a much bigger issue than the girl. It's like you told me you had a heart attack and missed your flight, and you worry if the airline will let you reschedule. I would think the heart attack is more important!!!

You get well for yourself, take care of yourself. The rest will follow.

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Y It's like you told me you had a heart attack and missed your flight, and you worry if the airline will let you reschedule. I would think the heart attack is more important!!!

You get well for yourself, take care of yourself. The rest will follow.

 

Great analogy, thank you for putting that in perspective

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  • 7 months later...
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-UPDATE-

 

So I ended up taking care of my problem and we began talking again, which ultimately led to dating since August until the beginning of the new year. However, I think I was too quick to move back and jump into everything again. I broke my addiction, but never really found my old self again nor totally regained my confidence. The relationship was constantly on and off and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells or had the need to do whatever I possibly could to make up for the past.

 

Ultimately this led to me acting really needy and clingy, and that's not who I am at all. The most recent ending she stating she lost attraction to me. I have gotten her back multiple times before, but want to keep her this time. I know I need to take a few months and become the person I was when I first met her and really be thriving and ambitious again. I guess I'm just worried it might be too late, any thoughts?

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Ouch, when a woman loses attraction its VERY hard to build that back up. Just the comment you made of wanting her back already is very needy. What you should want is your own life back and your own identity and confidence. Then the relationship with her is secondary. The neediness and codependency is very unattractive. I would start working on that first. Maybe get a therapist and work on yourself. You need to shift the focus off of her and the relationship and on to you. Once YOU love yourself, someone else will follow suit by your example. Good luck.

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-UPDATE-

 

So I ended up taking care of my problem and we began talking again, which ultimately led to dating since August until the beginning of the new year. However, I think I was too quick to move back and jump into everything again. I broke my addiction, but never really found my old self again nor totally regained my confidence. The relationship was constantly on and off and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells or had the need to do whatever I possibly could to make up for the past.

 

Ultimately this led to me acting really needy and clingy, and that's not who I am at all. The most recent ending she stating she lost attraction to me. I have gotten her back multiple times before, but want to keep her this time. I know I need to take a few months and become the person I was when I first met her and really be thriving and ambitious again. I guess I'm just worried it might be too late, any thoughts?

 

Mate, TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK INTO YOUR OWN HANDS!, this woman or any woman doesn't complete you, she or anyone can't solve your problems, you think she can and you can only be calm when you've got her back, that is the goal you set out to achieve for the past few months, which you did achieve but now you can see it's futile.

There was an analogy here about a heart attack and a missed flight, you are concentrated on the missed flight.

Try to move on, concentrate on getting your mind and health back, not back to the times before you met, but to a totally new person, stronger, willful and independent.

Stop adding her as your goal, stop trying to be better to impress her, she's moved on and so should you.

Do this for yourself and you will never regret it

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Thank you for the responses. I know that I needed to give everything more time and improve myself and find my own happiness before reconnecting, I guess I just jumped at the opportunity prematurely.

 

I also know that I need to move on entirely from this relationship and that it is over. I guess I just wish I met this person at a different time in my life or hope that months or years down the road that we cross paths again.

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So today is the 10th day of no contact, and over the weekend I checked my email and there it was, a message from her that was nothing of importance, just seemed like a way to start a conversation.

 

I decided to not respond after thinking about it for a few days, realizing that I needed to get myself completely together and heal before ever reconnecting. I still would like to someday reconcile, but only under the right conditions and most importantly when I am happy with myself. Did I handle this situation correctly?

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Today I decided to respond with asking her to not contact me unless she was looking to get back together. Her response was "I was just trying to be friendly. Jesus." I responded by saying that I am still hurting, but that I want to still be with you, and do not need friendly messages and to please respect my decision to only communicate if you are open to getting back together.

 

I know that I will never reach out in the future, and that only time will tell if she ever wants to come back. At the same time I am proud of myself for standing up for my own best interest and not accepting anything less than I feel I deserve.

 

For anyone reading this that is feeling heartache just know that you are not alone, but from the beginning of January to now I know that personally I feel a lot better, and I know that in time you will as well. Stay strong and only accept what you feel like you deserve and nothing less.

 

Previously I ended up back together with this person and if you have read the thread it is easy to see that the time was not right, and that I had plenty of my own issues to work through before that could realistically happen. I also believe in my heart that this is the person that I will eventually end up with, but realize now that we both have a lot to work on as individuals.

 

Also previously, as soon as reconciliation began to occur, I disappeared from this thread until heartbreak struck again. This time around I want to give myself a 100-day promise to be active on this thread. I am here to listen to your stories as well as share my day-to-day progression on my own situation and healing process. At times everyone needs someone to talk to, and people on this thread have been kind enough to be there for me; I would like to return the favor and give anyone insight that could be beneficial from someone whom truly hit rock-bottom and began to rebuild themselves back into the person they knew they could be.

 

JP2015

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