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Ending a long term relationship


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Hi all

So I dont know where to start so excuse the waffle..

 

I have been in a relationship with a guy with aspergers for nearly 8 years and lived together for about 5 years. As with most relationships it started off great and I couldn't stay away from him.

 

We have had a good relationship and grown together in confidence over the years. We got engaged a few years back but have not gotten married due to money and it being left to me who cant organise to save my life!

 

However things over the past few years havent been so good. I have found that we misunderstand each other which causes arguments (that i was never allowed to win and left me feeling bad) and particularly lately any intimacy has gone out of the window - partly due to me being very stressed due to life events but.. I have also found myself unhappy and feeling alone and stuck in a rut that i cant get out of. This is both with my life and the relationship. I have found myself irritated by his aspie traits i.e. unwillingness to change, his need for routine and general habits. The unwillingness to change part has left me feeling things are going nowhere anytime soon (and we havent moved on in our relationship for years).

 

I have been told by others (particularly other men) that I am a totally different person when he's around (as in more confident and particularly happier on my own) I think people see him as controlling, which he's not in a physical way, but maybe in controlling the conversation/ what happens. I havent worked that bit out yet.

One thing I have also found is that i feel like a carer and therefor fear leaving him to fend for himself as it were. That is both due to aspergers and the diabetes which he deals with which causes bad hypos at times which i have to assist with.

I have lately found myself not wanting to be home or close to him anymore and feel the best thing for me to do (for me) is to end the relationship.

 

However this is where things get difficult. He still says he loves me and is doing everything he can to make sure I dont do this. He has basically become my slave since I voiced some issues and hinted that things arent great. If i still had feelings for him that would be great but I dont think I do..

 

But should i go ahead, the issue i face is what happens to him.. The home we live in is mostly mine (full deposit paid by me and not much will be left after sale) and he doesnt have a penny in savings. I can move home as my parents have plenty room for a while but he has no friends or family that he can live with. What can I do?!

I also look after paying all the bills, setting up services, etc which he doesnt have a clue about..

 

Im not sure what Im asking for here.. Maybe to ask if Im doing the right thing and if so, how to go about it. I cant go on any longer and Im afraid if I dont do something soon it will end up with me breaking up in a bad way/time :-(

 

Kat

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Hi all

So I dont know where to start so excuse the waffle..

 

I have been in a relationship with a guy with aspergers for nearly 8 years and lived together for about 5 years. As with most relationships it started off great and I couldn't stay away from him.

 

We have had a good relationship and grown together in confidence over the years. We got engaged a few years back but have not gotten married due to money and it being left to me who cant organise to save my life!

 

However things over the past few years havent been so good. I have found that we misunderstand each other which causes arguments (that i was never allowed to win and left me feeling bad) and particularly lately any intimacy has gone out of the window - partly due to me being very stressed due to life events but.. I have also found myself unhappy and feeling alone and stuck in a rut that i cant get out of. This is both with my life and the relationship. I have found myself irritated by his aspie traits i.e. unwillingness to change, his need for routine and general habits. The unwillingness to change part has left me feeling things are going nowhere anytime soon (and we havent moved on in our relationship for years).

 

I have been told by others (particularly other men) that I am a totally different person when he's around (as in more confident and particularly happier on my own) I think people see him as controlling, which he's not in a physical way, but maybe in controlling the conversation/ what happens. I havent worked that bit out yet.

One thing I have also found is that i feel like a carer and therefor fear leaving him to fend for himself as it were. That is both due to aspergers and the diabetes which he deals with which causes bad hypos at times which i have to assist with.

I have lately found myself not wanting to be home or close to him anymore and feel the best thing for me to do (for me) is to end the relationship.

 

However this is where things get difficult. He still says he loves me and is doing everything he can to make sure I dont do this. He has basically become my slave since I voiced some issues and hinted that things arent great. If i still had feelings for him that would be great but I dont think I do..

 

But should i go ahead, the issue i face is what happens to him.. The home we live in is mostly mine (full deposit paid by me and not much will be left after sale) and he doesnt have a penny in savings. I can move home as my parents have plenty room for a while but he has no friends or family that he can live with. What can I do?!

I also look after paying all the bills, setting up services, etc which he doesnt have a clue about..

 

Im not sure what Im asking for here.. Maybe to ask if Im doing the right thing and if so, how to go about it. I cant go on any longer and Im afraid if I dont do something soon it will end up with me breaking up in a bad way/time :-(

 

Kat

 

 

How old are you Kat?

 

I recommend you to read "No more Mr. Nice guy" its actually written for men and you can find free audio if you google it. Maybe it will give you insight.

 

Second do understand that many men can have a routine and are "reliable" so understand if you break this relationship you may find your self in another relationship as such or with a guy who is not reliable.

 

In esscene men usually dont change... its women who do.

 

IE: if he does do dishes when you met him dont expect later down the line for that to happen.

 

If he doesnt take you out dancing when you met him... its not gonna change later.

 

So you could set your self forva repeat.. just a change of scenary.

 

The guy your with... probably hasnt change and now you want something different.

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1fish2fish

It's obvious you're a loving person with a big heart, Kat.

 

You're right - you need to be with a partner and not be someone's carer/mother.

 

Are there any services available short term that have someone come in to help him with things like that? Does he have no family in the area at all?

 

This is too big of a burden for you to carry alone. I wish I had some practical advice, but I truly don't. My heart goes out to you, and I hope doors will open up for outside assistance.

 

(((hugs!)))

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Does he have a job? Has he been paying half the expenses? You made it sound like he's destitute. If so, you have been supporting him, which isn't good. If not, he can get a room somewhere, a studio apartment. And I don't believe he hasn't got parents somewhere, but if he doesn't, that's unfortunate, but you aren't his parent.

 

It's going to be messy, so maybe you tell him 2 months ahead of time to start finding another place to live because you have to move on.

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