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Girlfriend of 2 years. Things are a bit rocky. Help!


Lost inside my head

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Lost inside my head

Hi guys. If you're not bored by the end of what could be a long post any advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

I'm 36 from UK, have 3 kids from previous marriage, have own home, stable job, and up to this week a girlfriend of 2 years. Our relationship has always been a bit rocky as she suffers with depression and has done since a young age. She has been through a lot and has never dealt with it and lives off perscibed pills. When she is up she is up and when she is down she is a disaster! Our relationship has struggled with her good and bad days and I have genuinely tried to be there as much as I can for her, tried different things to pull her back up but she always moved the goal posts. She would say I should have done this, and the next time I do exactly as she asked but now that's wrong. Sadly she sees the negative In everything and almost makes the worst case scenario in her head come true. she has a turbulent relationship with her eldest son, he feels the same as me, controlled and a bit emotionally bashed up.

 

She when not under this cloud is the most amazing loving beautiful woman I have ever known, when she is well she is not just my mrs but my best friend. We have such fun and laugh a lot. But then it just turns. And it's the end of the world. And that's my fault!

 

I have put up with someone else doing something and her having the hump then using that anger against me, going cold and not speaking to me for days on end. But I deal with it as I love her, and I know she loved me. She almost worshipped me, I was the steady reliable person she has always wanted and who loved her. She has done some amazing things for me over the years and at times has been the worst thing in my life. The constant put downs and rejection, all cause I don't understand her illness...

 

I have tried, but unless you have an illness you never can fully understand it, but what I do know is it makes people unpredictable and how the hell and I supposed to get it right if the goal posts get moved daily!!!

 

Anyway...

in the last few weeks I have been under immense pressure, my eldest son has been diagnosed with a behavioural and emotional condition, my company is struggling, my mother is unwell, my girlfriend has been so cold to me I had my own mini breakdown. I lost myself. I did not do anything stupid but I spent the weekend with a therapist who helped me get my head in shape.

 

Before I went to the hospital I told my mrs about this, she just got cold and the hump. Almost like I did not have the right to be ill. I asked for her suooort and she just said go and get help. She had no idea where I was going or what was involved. Long story short I spent 2 days away with no means of contact. When I returned home I turned phone on I did not have a single message from her, no support, no love nothing. I was hurt. And when I eventually did speak I expressed my hurt that she didn't care and I had been there for her, I was upset and angry, I didn't shout I just said I felt totally let down. She didn't like that, turned it that I was making her out to not care? It went on 2 days, just texting. I would text she would read and not reply. I was so hurt I kept texting and texting calling and she wouldn't answer. Nothing abusive just why are you being cold why can't you just care. She called me eventually saying me being down over last few weeks is potentially gonna bring her down?!?!?! And that she has had to step back to help her own mental health!!! I see that to a point, but could have shown a bloody interest!

 

Tuesday, I wake up to a message ending it, saying she hopes I get the help I need and she wishes me well. Then blocks my every communication. I'm hurt I'm upset. I write a long letter and put through her door for her to read later. During the day I couldn't work and found myself wandering around shops and came across a canvass shop, I had a favourite photo of hers and a family member who passed away some years ago copied. This was not a emotional trick to get her to talk, it genuinely was a gesture of love. I write a short note saying what ever happens with us here is something you can cherish forever and that I loved her.

 

2 hours later she has seen gift outside her door called me so upset, uncontrollably crying saying I have DESTROYED the meaning of that picture by doing what I have done. That her mother wants to call police as I have text so much and been to her home?!?! That I have destroyed her as a person for making her feel so bad for me saying she didn't care. She told me she will never ever speak to me again and went. That was tuesday, it's now Sunday night and I have heard nothing, and I won't ever again. I know her, she is stubborn.

 

I am heartbroken, I know I have painted a bad picture to our relationship, obviously it was not all bad, just difficult. But I love her so much, I love her sons, I have invested so much emotionally to her. I have given my all, but a couple of weeks of me being down and ruined it all. My messages clearly have pushed her away and now I am alone. All my friends are married. I have my kids 50/50 I have zero social life. I am scared of being alone for ever.

 

I want another chance with my girlfriend. Genuinely I love her so much. But if I can't contact her and her mum apparently wanting to call police cause a few texts on Monday I can't risk being in trouble.

 

 

What would you guys do?

I feel lost, lonely, sad, I literally think about her every second of the day. I'm not eating but being sick, not sleeping but not tired. I can't concentrate I can't function. Even with her illness and the regular bouts she has I love her with all my heart.

 

Before you say it, I am 99.5% sure no one else involved. She is a full time mum and does not go out and her sons are old enough to notice, 1000% they would tell me. The elder son gets on better with me than her and confides in me a lot. I also believe she would not do this, I'm not being blind, if I thought it that would be enough for me to walk away and not feel this way, cause at least I would understand. She is faithful.

 

I just don't know what to do... is there anyway or winning back someone who has cut you off?

 

Thanks guys.

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BluesPower

Oh my goodness...Friend I am really hurting for you right now.

 

Listen for a second and see if this story makes any sense to you.

 

About 4 or 5 years ago, my youngest son, about 17 at the time, said this to me... "You know today was a pretty good day today, mom is not wasted, and she did not go crazy. It is a pretty good day."

 

I looked at him and I said, "Yeah, your right." Then I thought for a second and looked at him and said, "Hold on a second, how messed up is it that a pretty good day for our family is one where mom in not wasted and she did not go crazy? Think about that, how messed up is that?"

 

That for me was one of the early moments of clarity after dealing with this crap for then 22 years of marriage.

 

When you are in a situation like you are in right now, crazy and insane becomes your normal. It actually happens to everyone dealing with this type of stuff.

 

My wife;s emotional issues and drug addiction (that was hidden for 20 years or a 26 year marriage) keep me and my kids dealing with one crises or another for the entire marriage. I actually did damage to my kids by staying in the marriage.

 

The problem is, that when you are "IN IT" you cannot see how wrong it is for you to be there.

 

What I am trying to say is GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW. She will never get better, you will never be able to fix her, you are wasting your life every minute that you stay with her.

 

You want to know when I got actual clarity about what was and had gone on for 26 year? When I had a stroke from years and years of stress and craziness. I was laying in the hospital bed and I said to myself, "Dude, this is completely insane, you are going to die if you stay married to her". It took me almost dying to understand that my life was completely insane.

 

So, please believe me that you have to get out...

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Hi guys. If you're not bored by the end of what could be a long post any advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

I'm 36 from UK, have 3 kids from previous marriage, have own home, stable job, and up to this week a girlfriend of 2 years. Our relationship has always been a bit rocky as she suffers with depression and has done since a young age. She has been through a lot and has never dealt with it and lives off perscibed pills. When she is up she is up and when she is down she is a disaster! Our relationship has struggled with her good and bad days and I have genuinely tried to be there as much as I can for her, tried different things to pull her back up but she always moved the goal posts. She would say I should have done this, and the next time I do exactly as she asked but now that's wrong. Sadly she sees the negative In everything and almost makes the worst case scenario in her head come true. she has a turbulent relationship with her eldest son, he feels the same as me, controlled and a bit emotionally bashed up.

 

She when not under this cloud is the most amazing loving beautiful woman I have ever known, when she is well she is not just my mrs but my best friend. We have such fun and laugh a lot. But then it just turns. And it's the end of the world. And that's my fault!

 

I have put up with someone else doing something and her having the hump then using that anger against me, going cold and not speaking to me for days on end. But I deal with it as I love her, and I know she loved me. She almost worshipped me, I was the steady reliable person she has always wanted and who loved her. She has done some amazing things for me over the years and at times has been the worst thing in my life. The constant put downs and rejection, all cause I don't understand her illness...

 

I have tried, but unless you have an illness you never can fully understand it, but what I do know is it makes people unpredictable and how the hell and I supposed to get it right if the goal posts get moved daily!!!

 

Anyway...

in the last few weeks I have been under immense pressure, my eldest son has been diagnosed with a behavioural and emotional condition, my company is struggling, my mother is unwell, my girlfriend has been so cold to me I had my own mini breakdown. I lost myself. I did not do anything stupid but I spent the weekend with a therapist who helped me get my head in shape.

 

Before I went to the hospital I told my mrs about this, she just got cold and the hump. Almost like I did not have the right to be ill. I asked for her suooort and she just said go and get help. She had no idea where I was going or what was involved. Long story short I spent 2 days away with no means of contact. When I returned home I turned phone on I did not have a single message from her, no support, no love nothing. I was hurt. And when I eventually did speak I expressed my hurt that she didn't care and I had been there for her, I was upset and angry, I didn't shout I just said I felt totally let down. She didn't like that, turned it that I was making her out to not care? It went on 2 days, just texting. I would text she would read and not reply. I was so hurt I kept texting and texting calling and she wouldn't answer. Nothing abusive just why are you being cold why can't you just care. She called me eventually saying me being down over last few weeks is potentially gonna bring her down?!?!?! And that she has had to step back to help her own mental health!!! I see that to a point, but could have shown a bloody interest!

 

Her actions show you she doesn't care about you much. You should believe her

 

Tuesday, I wake up to a message ending it, saying she hopes I get the help I need and she wishes me well. Then blocks my every communication. I'm hurt I'm upset. I write a long letter and put through her door for her to read later. During the day I couldn't work and found myself wandering around shops and came across a canvass shop, I had a favourite photo of hers and a family member who passed away some years ago copied. This was not a emotional trick to get her to talk, it genuinely was a gesture of love. I write a short note saying what ever happens with us here is something you can cherish forever and that I loved her.

 

If you chase they always move farther away.

 

2 hours later she has seen gift outside her door called me so upset, uncontrollably crying saying I have DESTROYED the meaning of that picture by doing what I have done. That her mother wants to call police as I have text so much and been to her home?!?! That I have destroyed her as a person for making her feel so bad for me saying she didn't care. She told me she will never ever speak to me again and went. That was tuesday, it's now Sunday night and I have heard nothing, and I won't ever again. I know her, she is stubborn.

 

Again she's telling you who she is. You'd better believe her or you'll end up badly

 

I am heartbroken, I know I have painted a bad picture to our relationship, obviously it was not all bad, just difficult. But I love her so much, I love her sons, I have invested so much emotionally to her. I have given my all, but a couple of weeks of me being down and ruined it all. My messages clearly have pushed her away and now I am alone. All my friends are married. I have my kids 50/50 I have zero social life. I am scared of being alone for ever.

 

If you do too much in a relationship you can end up being taken advantage of and lose respect

 

I want another chance with my girlfriend. Genuinely I love her so much. But if I can't contact her and her mum apparently wanting to call police cause a few texts on Monday I can't risk being in trouble.

 

 

What would you guys do?

I feel lost, lonely, sad, I literally think about her every second of the day. I'm not eating but being sick, not sleeping but not tired. I can't concentrate I can't function. Even with her illness and the regular bouts she has I love her with all my heart.

 

Before you say it, I am 99.5% sure no one else involved. She is a full time mum and does not go out and her sons are old enough to notice, 1000% they would tell me. The elder son gets on better with me than her and confides in me a lot. I also believe she would not do this, I'm not being blind, if I thought it that would be enough for me to walk away and not feel this way, cause at least I would understand. She is faithful.

 

I just don't know what to do... is there anyway or winning back someone who has cut you off?

 

Thanks guys.

 

Get a grip on yourself. You cant make her do anything. At this time you are a bigger problem than she is.

 

This isn't the end of the world. There are better out there

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LostInside, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with BluesPower that you are so fortunate to now be out of that toxic relationship. It sounds like you dodged a bullet and just don't realize it.

 

Our relationship has always been a bit rocky as she suffers with depression and has done since a young age.... When she is up she is up and when she is down she is a disaster!

Perhaps she does suffer from depression, Lost. But that is NOT what you're describing here. Instead, you are describing an emotionally unstable woman. If that is the case, you should know that the two common causes of persistent instability are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder (or a milder form of bipolar called Cyclothymia). Indeed, she may suffer from both. A large-scale 2008 study found that 41% of female BPDers also suffer from full-blown bipolar disorder during their lifetimes.

 

I mention this because many of the behaviors you describe -- e.g., the instability, irrational anger, controlling attitude, temper tantrums and cold withdrawal, lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, paranoia (e.g., her reaction to your canvas gift), and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

 

She almost worshiped me.... [but there are] constant put downs and rejection.... We have such fun and laugh a lot. But then it just turns. And it's the end of the world.
These rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) is a behavior that arises from "black-white thinking." If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong traits), she is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like a young child, she will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. And then, a day or a month later, she may recategorize him back again just as quickly.

 

2 hours later she has seen gift outside her door called me so upset, uncontrollably crying saying I have DESTROYED the meaning of that picture by doing what I have done. That her mother wants to call police as I have text so much and been to her home?!?! That I have destroyed her as a person for making her feel so bad for me saying she didn't care.
This is a good example of black-white thinking because her misperception of your intentions results in her perceiving of you as "all bad" or Hitler incarnate. Such extreme devaluation -- demonizing, actually -- is called "splitting you black." Black-white thinking also would be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

As I noted earlier, if she is a BPDer, the slightest infraction (real or simply imagined) can result in you being reclassified from "all good" to "all bad." The result is that you will oftentimes feel like you're walking on eggshells around her to avoid triggering her anger. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

 

How the hell and I supposed to get it right if the goal posts get moved daily!!!
You don't. If she is a BPDer, it is impossible to "get it right" because her perceptions of your intentions and motivations are almost fully dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME. As soon as that intense feeling changes, her perception of you likely will drastically change as well.

 

I want another chance with my girlfriend.... is there anyway or winning back someone who has cut you off?
Again, I recommend that you walk away. If you're not yet willing to do that, however, I would recommend that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs and my list of 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If most of those BPD warning signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join BluesPower and Marc in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, LostInside.

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Lost inside my head

Thank you for the responses, I have read them a few times and they make a huge amount of sense. I am just stuck in the place where I feel I have invested so much emotionally to this woman and it has been forgotten about, that she will not remember that and will only think of the bad. It hurts that she has turned her back on me, switched off with what seems with no care in the world and is getting on with her life without me. The rejection is a killer and I am just totally lost. I do love her deeply, but I also appreciate that even if we did manage to sort it out it would happen again. I don't want to be alone, and I do love her. Either way, it's out of My hands, I have no way of communicating with her any way.

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I feel I have invested so much emotionally to this woman and it has been forgotten about, that she will not remember that and will only think of the bad.
LostInside, if she is a BPDer, some weeks she likely will remember only the bad and other weeks only the good. That's the way an emotionally unstable person behaves. The result is that it is impossible, with BPDers, to establish a lasting final impression when breaking up.

 

It also is impossible to build up a lasting store of good will or appreciation on which you can later draw during the hard times. Such an effort is as futile and pointless as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It will be washed away as soon as the next tide of strong emotions floods her mind.

 

As with a young child, a BPDer's perceptions of your intentions and motivations are almost fully dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME -- as I noted earlier. Whenever that intense feeling changes -- and it almost certainly WILL change -- her perception of you will change as well. Hence, there is a good chance she will be contacting you in 6 months or a year from now. She may not have split you black permanently.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, at some point you have to admit that even though you made an emotional investment in her, it doesn't mean you should stay with someone who is so unstable. Essentially, you're no longer getting any return on that investment. Quite the opposite, actually.

 

It sounds like she barely functions; as such, there is really no way she can give you a healthy relationship. She isn't a well person herself. You cannot "love" her out of that. You tried, but you are seeing it doesn't work.

 

Don't stay in a toxic situation out of fear of being alone. Perhaps it's time you did develop a social life and get back to a healthier place for you and your kids. It's not good for them to be witnessing this, either. They need a happy and stable environment, but you won't really be able to provide them that when your personal life is so volatile and Daddy's girlfriend is popping pills and being cold and disengaged. Even if they don't see her actually taking them, you can bet they sense the tension and the effect is has on you.

 

You've narrowed your own options by assuming that you're either with her, or all alone. But OP, you won't remain alone forever, if you choose. You can make room for a much more stable and healthy person who isn't forever rejecting you and making you feel horrible. What you're describing is not so much love as codependency. Use this time on your own to look into that so you can begin to figure out how to untangle yourself from this mess.

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