Ex messaged me 1 month after NC what now?

[Hiddensmurf]

Hello,

 

My ex GF of two years broke up with me 4 months ago. She wanted to take a break so we could sort out our own issues & to grow but i decided I was bob the builder and pushed for us to try and work things out. I eventually got her to agree to try and work things out, this lasted for about two months but was basically me spilling my emotions (She said I wasn't very affectionate at times but I was getting better at it, so I thought it was a good idea) and taking her out on dates to try and win her back every week. During this time she was very distant from me but I could tell she was honestly giving this another shot.

 

Every week or other week I would ask her if her mind had changed and she would tell me she didn't know what to tell me or she doesn't have any answers. Eventually this lead to me giving her an ultimatum. It's been 2 months and you haven't budged at all, make up your mind by date xyz.

 

Nothing changed and she gave me the typical break up excuses, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "Who knows what'll happen to us in a month, a year or etc", "Your a good guy, you'll find someone better than me" and etc.

 

For the next two weeks I broke down & texted her 4-5 times just spilling my emotions until I found out she had a new boyfriend... A new boyfriend 2 weeks after we finally called quits. I was devastated, I contacted her one more time to find out if it was true. She said they started hanging out a lot & she was starting to like him & they had been friends for 7 years. But even a couple days before this she had asked for pictures and videos of us that she was missing and I gave them to her & she said she would never delete them so i know she still has feelings for me.

 

I quickly figured out who the guy was and it was a friend she had said "She would never go out with because he couldn't do anything for her". (It sounds a bit rude/bitchy via text but shes not that kind of person, it's the blunt truth) .

 

I don't want to talk down on the dude as I really don't know him but from what she told me in the past he isn't doing very well in life, high school education, money issues, didn't grow up in the best of circumstances and etc. The thing is neither did she growing up but things improved over time, shes going to college & etc. I'm the complete opposite, I'm by no means rich but I have a good job for my age & am also graduating college next semester. I think she relates to him on this. She said most of the guys that she has dated in the past were these type of guys & I was her first boyfriend she saw a real future with.

 

The only things that bugs me about the breakup is the dude, was she plotting to replace me with him the whole time? Was he her backup if things failed? Or was he just a rebound after things were done?

 

She had told me I was the only guy "On her list" which I still sort of believe even now. Really I'll never know unless we get back together so whatever I guess.

 

---

 

Now I have no doubt in my mind she really loved me, she's a really good girl and that's one of the reasons I fell in love with her. Compared to her previous boyfriends I've been her most serious and gone the furthest with her (talking about marriage and etc), I've met her whole family, she's met mine (extended family as well), we've been to just about every family event together. I know everyone and she knows everyone in my family. She had a good upbringing & we both had similar goals in life, both our families would say we had our heads on straight, we were a good couple, people would call her Mrs. MyLastName and etc.

 

My question is she texted me 1 months ago saying:

 

Her: Are you ok?

Me: Yeah, are you?

Her: Yes, I just wanted to see if your doing well, if thats ok?

Me; Ya it's cool, I was thinking about doing the same thing but i didn't want to give you the wrong idea. it's good that your doing well.

Her: What Idea? I was too but I didn't want you to get upset. I'll always care about you and check on you but I didn't think you wanted to hear from me.

Me: That I was an ex trying to intrude or something like that. Well yeah I didn't want things to go this way but I'm not mad at you.

Her: I'm happy that we understand each other and we can be cool. I know we won't be friends but we're in a nice place right now.

 

I didn't respond.

 

I had been talking to my friends while doing this and they basically said it was a breadcrumb to clear her guilt & I should just leave the door to communication open, which I hope that did & that she would eventually message me again & this time it will because she misses me/wants to talk.

 

Was this stupid? It's been 2 weeks since then & it will be 2 months of no contact in 2 weeks. I'm content with just keeping NC until she messages me but i'm starting to wonder if this just pushed her away & if she'll think I don't want anything to do with her.

[Timpye]

She broke up with you dude?

 

In my opinion you didn't push her away, it sounds like she has been "away" as soon as it ended. She knows where to find you if she ever changes her mind, chances are she won't and you really do need to focus on other things! All the best brother, stay strong!

[Ronnys93]

I know we won't be friends but we're in a nice place right now.

 

This tells you all you need to know. She reached out to make sure you weren't freaking out so she could appease her guilt. You didn't do ANYTHING to push her away. I promise, she was getting worried that you forgot about her because of the NC.

[Hiddensmurf]

She broke up with you dude?

 

In my opinion you didn't push her away, it sounds like she has been "away" as soon as it ended. She knows where to find you if she ever changes her mind, chances are she won't and you really do need to focus on other things! All the best brother, stay strong!

 

Technically yes as we weren't together when we were trying to fix things. I just ended the "fixing" as nothing had changed in 2 months.

[Hiddensmurf]

This tells you all you need to know. She reached out to make sure you weren't freaking out so she could appease her guilt. You didn't do ANYTHING to push her away. I promise, she was getting worried that you forgot about her because of the NC.

 

Well she did tell me some things I did pushed her away which I apologized about in our final talk. I do believe your right about the guilt part tho.

[Chi townD]

Well she did tell me some things I did pushed her away which I apologized about in our final talk. I do believe your right about the guilt part tho.

 

 

Okay, I'm going to put this as bluntly as I can. She was cheating on you. Period. the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech" is straight out of the Cheaters handbook. And the "You're a good guy, you'll find someone better than me" Why would she say that and have such a low opinion of herself? She cheated on you and she knows she did you wrong. That was guilt talking.

 

You break up and within 2 weeks, within 14 DAYS she has a new boyfriend. How do you ascend to the official title of boyfriend and girlfriend that quickly? Well, you don't. Not unless there was something already there (aka cheating on your ass).

 

Then she texts you out of the blue. Wondering how you are. Your friends are right, guilt played that part. See, most girls can't stand the fact that there might be a person on this planet that hates the or doesn't think they are a nice person. So, she's contacting you to see if this is the case. And you gave her exactly what she was looking for. A way to ease her guilt. She can now say to herself, "Oh look! He doesn't hate me! We're talking civilly! We're in a good place! I guess the break up was a good thing after all!"

 

You should have stayed NC and not responded at all. If you would have not responded, the she has no idea where your head is at. She has no idea if you're happy or sad. She has no idea if you are indifferent or angry as hell. she would have no idea if you hate her for what she did to you. You would have given her nothing at all!!! Therefore, it forces her to hold onto that guilt. And we want them to hold onto it. Not to punish them, but to make them learn from it. That you can't treat people the way she treated you and expect folks to be okay with it.

[Hiddensmurf]

She could of hooked up with him while we were trying to "fix things" as I know she was hanging out with him then but we weren't together at the time.

 

Anyways she's not that type of girl and i haven't put every detail about the breakup from then until now. When I posted this I was more curious about keeping NC or not and ive more or less gotten that answer from these forums and friends. Thank you for sharing your opinion, it's always nice to have another point of view.

[Ronnys93]

 

You should have stayed NC and not responded at all. If you would have not responded, the she has no idea where your head is at. She has no idea if you're happy or sad. She has no idea if you are indifferent or angry as hell. she would have no idea if you hate her for what she did to you. You would have given her nothing at all!!! Therefore, it forces her to hold onto that guilt. And we want them to hold onto it. Not to punish them, but to make them learn from it. That you can't treat people the way she treated you and expect folks to be okay with it.

 

Regardless of any of the details you left out Hiddensmurf, this part of Chi TownD's post is the most important part of it all when it comes to NC. Especially when they're trying to absolve their guilt. If she contacts you again, DON'T contact her back. Let her miss you. She said it herself, she doesn't see either of you being friends. That was what she meant, and you should keep up your end of the bargain.

[Hiddensmurf]

No she wanted to be friends, I told her no during the breakup. That part of her reply is her more or less acknowledging it isn't going to happen.

 

If it's a breadcrumb and I reply coldly and distant, is it that much worst than not replying at all?

[live2ndin]

OP, I hope you are able to get through this problem. You sound like you are both good people that will both have fulfilling lives. I also hope you are able to learn from this experience for any future relationships.