I Thought my Crush Showed Interest and I Screwed Up

[JJ1088]

This past semester, I worked alongside a girl in school that I thought we had developed a pretty good and friendly relationship with. She is from Puerto Rico and we were enjoying great conversations on a daily basis and she always sat by me, asked for my help, offered to drive me home, and showed interest in the things I liked. She would ask for my feedback on her papers because she still does not have the best grip on the English language. I even stayed with her a few hours to help her with an assignment and she was the nicest person in the world and acted grateful. She would ask about my family and try to understand my future goals. As the semester ended, I noticed changes in her attitude towards me. She would ignore me in group conversations, one time I got a text from an old friend who is a girl and she shot me the most jealous look, and she looked up my social media (she said she is no fan of social media, but I have nothing bad on mine and I have openly showed her), and she could not look me in the eye and she would seem fidgety and nervous around me. I thought it was shyness and that she probably liked me.

 

A week ago, we did a presentation and she was very happy and gave me a strong hug (I do not know if this counts for anything, but she also trusted me to hold her purse). Fast forward to end of that week, I proofread another paper and she shared pictures of her family and seemed very at ease and we joked a bit. I told her that it is no secret that that I liked her, then she smiled and said I'll do fine. By lunch, she seemed a little agitated, but I assumed it was the nerve of finals week. After class, we did peer reviews and this woman that literally knew my diet habits to the ounce, could only muster one sentence about me as a group member, so I felt a little bummed. That is when my desperation appeared because I gave her a nice shiny pen and five page note which was essentially a peer review with the final two pages dedicated to my thanks to her as a friend but played out like a love note as I told her how I had a crush on her, how I had fantasized about romance, how she was pretty, how she had been a good person to me and inspired me to be better. She smiled and said thank you when I handed her the note, but she did not read until she got home. Some of the content I mentioned in the note mentioned how I sensed her being uneasy around me through her body language and I apologized if I created discomfort. After our last final, I went to give her a hug and she seemed only half into it, so I backed off thinking she was mad about the test. Sunday night, she sent me an email saying that she was flattered by the email and said that she is not as perfect as I think and that I will be perfect for the woman God has lined up for me while also apologizing for sending me mixed signals. The next day, I apologized for writing the note and I said that I should have only discussed the content with her in private and that she had nothing to be sorry for. She assured me that I was respectable and acted like a gentleman. She also said she was looking forward to continuing a strong friendship which I agreed to.

 

The following week, we presented at an event for school and I did not make eye contact and avoided her out of embarrassment. She would shoot glances at me that I would see from the corner of my eye and she brushed by me to possibly get some attention. As we left, she gave everyone a hug except for me as she put her hand out. I deserved that for being a jerk, but when we all said goodbyes and complimented each other, when it came to me, she walked away...again I probably deserved that. During the next few days, I avoided texting to give her distance from me as I felt like an annoyance. I sent thank you notes out to my entire team via email. She sent me an email thanking me for the kind words and that she read another email of mine where I apologized for being detached during our previous event. Her email ended with her wishing not to continue a friendship because she said that she was old school and that continuing a strong relationship with a male would be unfair to her future husband whenever God presents him to her. I sent one email saying that I felt horrible about losing a friend, but I would respect her decision. I finished it off by saying that if I could, I would compete for that spot and I offered a date (I do not know what I was thinking). I told her that she might be afraid of having a good time and it might be possible that I might be that man God has for her, but she would only know if we tried a date and that she would regret wondering "what if." I thought to myself "How can you marry the man chosen for you by God, without dating to see if that is the man for you in the first place?" By this morning, I sent an email saying that I am leaving that offer on the table, that I was puzzled as to why she suddenly decided to call off any friendship within the span of a few days, and that I thought there was a deeper issue about me that would clarify as to why she was acting differently around me. I even said that I thought we had built trust with each other and that I knew did not use me for answers because she tried to learn everything I showed her. Her final text was "The answer is no."

 

Well, sorry for this long ramble, but I screwed up. I am honoring her no contact rule. She said she would like to hear where I end up in life, but I know that was probably a courtesy statement. Does anybody have thoughts on this situation? I would love to get back into at least friendship status with her because she is a fun person, but it sounds like it is against her wishes. Can anyone figure out why she was mad at me the most (there are so many factors that I do not know which straw broke the camel's back)? Should I use any strategies to regain her trust? Do you think her reasoning for no contact will stand or is just a temporary measure? Can anyone pin my underlying fault other than putting her on a pedestal? Has anyone had a similar situation and did culture play a role?

[JJ1088]

She also has several strong relationships with men from school, so I know I am the one being singled out, so I do not believe her comment.

[mightycpa]

Forget about this one.

 

God sent her to you so that you could make a slew of mistakes and avoid them when the real one comes along.

 

The main mistake you made was to express romantic feelings of any kind before a date. First, if you're interested, you ask for a date. It doesn't matter if she expresses mutual interest at first or not. You never know, so you ask. After a few dates, assuming all goes well, then you might express such feelings. Besides, you don't know if you REALLY like her.... you're just interested. Cool your jets!

 

The other main mistake was to introduce/explain your feelings by way of note. The trouble with that method is that you're not getting any immediate feedback. You can't know when to shut up. So unless you're already in an established relationship, and you're reiterating what you've already said, you do it in person.

 

The other main mistake was to change your behavior in deference to what you thought she was thinking. I don't mean you can't be thoughtful, but you also have to act as though everything is as normal as it ever was, until SHE changes her behavior. Granted, you made that hard to pull off, given the first two mistakes, but that's what you need to do.

 

All the rest of it is just circumstances.

[JJ1088]

Thank you for your feedback. I have made some of these mistakes before in high school, so I need to break this pattern. I have never held a relationship, so I need to get up to speed.