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My 7 year relationship breakup


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Hey Love Shack Community I wanted to share my story and thank you to those who read my story and those who can advise I truly appreciate it.

 

Background

I met my Ex in university I was 22 and she was 20 now I am 30 and she is 27. I stole her from another relationship she was in of 6 years. She was my first everything we moved in together after 1 year where we spent almost everyday together and we were inseparable we did everything together. We had 0 family around so we were always there for each other.

 

Why we broke up

After 7 together I found out she cheated on me. She had an affair from March until December I found about the affair in December. After I found out we decided it was best to move out and take a break from each other. Though we decided to give it a try and fix things.

 

I also had the unfortunate situation of losing my mother to cancer while I was in the process of moving out. We decided to take a 2 week no contact to give each other space. I found out she continued to talk to the guy and see him during our no contact break. I should of ended it right then and there when she cheated again but I just didn't have the strength to throw away the 7 years. She never came clean once and I had to slowly find out through snooping the truth of what had happened. It still stings that I gave her multiple chances to come clean and to try to fix the relationship but I never sensed a great deal of effort from her to try to fix it. We continued to see each other on and off until April 1st when I finally broke it off.

 

I realized she maybe having grass is greener on the other side syndrome and we both have not dated a lot of people so I gave her an ultimatum. We are both allowed to date other people to give each other space and but if you want to continue to have a relationship with me that guy cant be in the picture. She choose not to let that guy go. So I ended it though at times I feel regret. I felt it was the right thing to do. She clearly did not respect me or the relationship anymore so I did the only thing I felt I could do. It still hurts breaking away from her. The part that hurts the most the person she had an affair with there was no future with him. He is married with 2 kids and is in Vancouver while we are in Toronto. I still dont understand why she would throw away everything we have for something like that.

 

My realizations during NC

We would of been together 8 years on May 27th if this never happened when I think of that day coming it still makes me sad. I realized after we finalized the break up I was naive that if she cheated on her first real boyfriend she would never do that to me. I don't want to blame myself but I realized why the relationship had started to go down. I became very negative on life though I had a very successful financial career and started my own business I was always negative and was not much fun to be around. I had almost 0 social life I choose to focus on work or smoke pot and play video games. I had let myself go physically I was almost borderline obese. I stopped putting my best foot forward and I became too pleasing to all her needs and stopped being a man. I had this comfort and mentality that I don't need to improve and unless she broke up with me or cheated on me I was never going to change. So I accept some blame for her looking elsewhere and I learned from it. Why is it that she did all these horrible things to me I still want her back so bad. It kills me that she hasn't called me to say she is super sorry and that she misses me. She called once or twice after but I ignored the calls because I know it wasn't to say lets get back together but to serve her own selfish withdrawal from the relationship. She left some texts about her missing me but I didn't bite only discussed business from our joint accounts and that was it.

 

Since I found about the affair I frantically started to work on myself since at first to try to win her back. Now I am constantly back and forth I want her back or no I can do better. I keep telling myself work on myself and if down the line she comes back I will be a better person. I truly believe we had something special but we need some time apart to grow and if we are there it will be meant to be. I do realize if there is any shot of getting back she needs to make some serious changes on communication and obviously her honesty and loyalty. I miss her so much I wish she wanted to get back together and change as much as I do. At the same time maybe in those months or years I will be completely different and so will she.

 

What I am doing to cope

At first I drowned myself in drugs and alcohol but I realized that just numbed my progress at recovery. Slept around as well (not proud and didnt help at all). I went to therapy since January, I made some huge lifestyle changes I started to get fit again I lost 30 lbs (healthy weight loss) and started to reach out to old/new friends and work on myself to becoming a better catch. I started eating better in January and cut out all drugs since Mid April. I have really kept myself busy started reading a lot of books and keeping myself occupied.

 

The biggest issues I am having guys though I made so much progress I have times where I miss her so much. I want to show her how much I have changed. I have surrounded myself with positive friends and people who are there for me and they all say just needs time. Only way to take her back is if she comes back to me. Though I ended it she has to show me she has changed as well and wants me back I realize that seems impossible at this point. I have maintained NC and cut her off from all social media and I continue to better myself. Though sometimes I tell myself I am doing great and she will miss me. Then I have days where I want to call her and try again. Why do I keep regressing when I made so much progress on myself.

Edited by djung87
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ExpatInItaly

You're only a few months out of long relationship. Even though she cheated for quite a while, you're still mourning the loss of the relationship you once had. The ups and downs you're experiencing are normal, and you will need more time to really detach.

 

Once you do, you will realize that even if she did come back, she is no longer the woman you thought she was. She is capable of significant deception and disrespect and you likely would be very unhappy with her in the end, simply because the trust is gone and it wouldn't ever really be the same.

 

You need to continue doing what you've been doing to move on. Her heart wasn't in it anymore, and it's on her that she chose to cheat as her way out. This one is over but someday, you will find a better-quality woman who loves you enough to stay faithful, or at least break it off honourably before betraying you. This one just wasn't who you believed she was.

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Recovery & healing are not linear. It's a 1 step forward 2 steps back process. You had a long relationship & intertwined lives. This is a huge change. Give it time.

 

 

Meanwhile detox from drugs; get out there & exercise; take care of yourself. Surround yourself with caring supportive friends & family. Keep busy. It's time to reinvent yourself. Try throwing yourself into work.

 

 

Keep posting here.

 

 

FWIW, I'm sorry about the loss of your mom.

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Thank you for the kind responses. I know deep down I deserve better and I need to reinvent myself. If she comes back and I hope by then I will be over her and will want nothing to do with her. It's so hard though I miss her so much and want to call her and tell her that.

 

I keep thinking didn't we mean so much to each other? Does she not miss me or regret everything and want me back. I just can't stop feeling hurt that she hasn't reached out or feels bad for all the things she's done and try to reconnect.

Edited by djung87
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Continue to work on yourself.

 

One thing to read is No More Mr Nice Guy.

 

Do not chase her. EVER

 

Go out on dates. Do not go out to hook up.

 

Find out the info on the other man. Let his wife know. The OM's wife has the right to know what her husband is doing.

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I will definitely check the book out. I feel everyday it is getting a little bit easier. I am hitting some strides in my career and my business. I am starting to feel really good about myself...I shaved my head haha (I have been balding for years) and I am slowly starting to realize this wasn't my fault. I know it will be a long road and being able to share this in words and read responses has really helped me cope.

 

I have thought about revenge and telling the wife but I have decided to just not be involved at all. I refuse to stoop down to their level I will just detach and work on myself and look for my own happiness. Because I think the quicker I detach and forget the faster I can find my true love. I am not there yet but I know I am making progress to want nothing to do with her in my life. Ultimately she was not strong enough to make it work and I am starting to accept that she killed the relationship. I also feel like I dodged a bullet better now then later and I feel like in my next adventure of love I will be much smarter and know what to look for.

 

Thank you guys and gals of course for reading my story and sharing your support.

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My ex out of the blue texted me last night at 2am was so tempted to respond but decided against it. I posted a social media text of my new shaved head look. I choose to ignore it...why would she reach out like that bread crumbs? Should I reach back out?

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Thank you for the kind responses. I know deep down I deserve better and I need to reinvent myself. If she comes back and I hope by then I will be over her and will want nothing to do with her. It's so hard though I miss her so much and want to call her and tell her that.

 

I keep thinking didn't we mean so much to each other? Does she not miss me or regret everything and want me back. I just can't stop feeling hurt that she hasn't reached out or feels bad for all the things she's done and try to reconnect.

 

yes... but those feelings are submerged and she is making room for someone else. She is continuing the relationship you had with someone else. You need to STAY away and not engage with her.

 

I was naive that if she cheated on her first real boyfriend she would never do that to me.

 

yes, this was naive.. This is my rule and absolute. If she has a boyfriend and trying to see me.. it will never be serious ever. The person needs to evolve from the previous break and not just monkey branch into another.

 

I don't want to blame myself but I realized why the relationship had started to go down. I became very negative on life though I had a very successful financial career and started my own business I was always negative and was not much fun to be around. I had almost 0 social life I choose to focus on work or smoke pot and play video games. I had let myself go physically I was almost borderline obese. I stopped putting my best foot forward and I became too pleasing to all her needs and stopped being a man.

 

Yes, you screwed up. However, it was her responsibility in the relationship as well to express if she did not like this. If she did...now its on you. we all slip-up.

 

Since I found about the affair I frantically started to work on myself since at first to try to win her back.

 

 

No work on you FOR YOU.

 

look at this thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/620326-everything-you-need-know-about-exes-let-s-discuss

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What did the text say?

 

It was like 3am in the morning. She just said You shaved your head!!

 

Nothing really significant. I decided to just ignore for now. Getting easier and easier.

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You did the right thing! She cheated on you man, you should NEVER get back with someone who did that to you. (coming from personal experience)

 

It doesn't matter what led to the cheating - a person with integrity would never, ever do that.

 

Keep focusing on yourself and you will feel much, much better. Whatever she is doing is irrelevant.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Guys and girls i just found out she is going to go out to see him for at least 10 days. I thought I would be ok with this but it really hurt me. It shouldn't hurt me but it does so much. When will it go away...

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Pathetic. They always think they have the right to just text you whenever they want to, without any regard to the emotional confusion it will cause.

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I woke up this morning expecting to feel so much better. Still wheeling...how long did it take you guys to get over something like this. I understand I should not care at all but it looks like I'm still hanging on.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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So after blocking all our mutual friends and her on social media. Also on any messenger I went full NC since May 14th she reached to me out about 4 days ago out of the blue. I ignored the text then about 7 hours later she called me at 11pm at night. I am not sure how to block her # but I am looking into it.

 

Initially I wanted to just say gtfo out of my life. Why would she reach out now??

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ExpatInItaly

How did you find out she was going to see him for those 10 days? And what did her last message to you say?

 

She's more than likely trying to ease her guilt or keep you on standby in case things with her new man don't work out.

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How did you find out she was going to see him for those 10 days? And what did her last message to you say?

 

She's more than likely trying to ease her guilt or keep you on standby in case things with her new man don't work out.

 

Her last text

"Hey... i noticed that you blocked me... I just landed in Vancouver with my family and will be here for 2 weeks.... could I ask that you keep my phone plan for another 2 - 3 weeks? I'll switch once i get back to Toronto. Let me know. Thanks for being patient and understanding. Hope all is well"

 

I found out by snooping I completely stopped now after how much it hurt me. I realized NC and no information is everything. Her message has no substance we have a shared phone plan she is paying for it but she was supposed to take herself off a while ago.

Edited by djung87
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No response needed just cut her off.

 

Lose a cheater gain a life.

 

You don't want this back.

 

Don't be understanding just move on

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No response needed just cut her off.

 

Lose a cheater gain a life.

 

You don't want this back.

 

Don't be understanding just move on

 

Doing everything I can to move on. Just 8 years still grieving but the more days pass it's getting easier. I just wish the healing was more linear.

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ExpatInItaly

She has a lot of stones asking you to do her a favour when she took a giant crap all over you.

 

I would take her off that phone plan and let her figure out for herself that she lost the right to a support system in you.

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Doing everything I can to move on. Just 8 years still grieving but the more days pass it's getting easier. I just wish the healing was more linear.

 

Stay NC it'll get you where you need to be a lot faster than you think.

 

Stay occupied. Gym, exercise, etc

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Doing everything I can to move on. Just 8 years still grieving but the more days pass it's getting easier. I just wish the healing was more linear.

 

 

You are more human and compassionate. She is not. It is normal and honorable that you cannot not shut your feeling off like a switch.. but as a man you need to move forward with your life.. without her.

 

Make sure you cut that phone plan.. all perks of you are done...

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She has a lot of stones asking you to do her a favour when she took a giant crap all over you.

 

I would take her off that phone plan and let her figure out for herself that she lost the right to a support system in you.

 

You are so right. I will have her removed asap. I found out from my therapist that my ex went to see my therapist. My therapist offered not to treat her and refer her to someone else. Me knowing that my therapist has information about my ex would probably effect my healing and effect my own sessions so I asked her to refer her to someone else. Which my therapist said would be done and completely understandble.

 

I am moving forward just painful somedays then others. Thank you guys for helping me be more self respecting just tough when you care for someone for so long to just flip a switch and not care anymore.

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You are more human and compassionate. She is not. It is normal and honorable that you cannot not shut your feeling off like a switch.. but as a man you need to move forward with your life.. without her.

 

Make sure you cut that phone plan.. all perks of you are done...

 

I realize you are right but maybe because I am such a giver and the finality of it all once I cut all perks it took me a while to do. Even removing all her content from my computer took me sometime. I know it has to be done and I will do it. Just have to work on healing and finding myself and happiness. Thank you for the words of encouragement.

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Withoutaqueen

Well I give you credit for recognizing your faults, owning up to it and trying to fix them.

 

It's hard to let go of a relationship that lasts that long you build such a bond together.

 

I also think she has a 7 year itch. Both yours and her previous relationship lasted that long roughly and I guarentee in 7 years she'll do the same to guy number 3.

 

That being said I think she's no longer worth your time. What made me get over my EX GF is know she no longer cared about me to even be friends and the whole relationship might have been a farce.

 

When people get in relationships nowadays it's to live a fantasy. When the guy she's with gets complacent or the allure is gone she'll wander and perhaps the same for the guy with a gal. True relationships is to deal with these changes and help their partner improved and evolve with them but that art is essential dead today like the landline telephone in a home or a typewriter, pagers, chat rooms, exclusive AM radio stations, and analog broadcast television.

 

It sucks because I know you want her back, but we have to recognize what the relationship was and what it accomplished, and how to better assess the next one. She likes to spend a few years with a guy then move on. She also likes new guys that chase her. I'm sure all three guys including you did that.

 

In the odd chance you can win her back ignore her and do what you do best without her (if that exist) for me she never came back I just haven't been able to replace her.

 

I wish puppets were real and they would talk to me.

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