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My boyfriend broke up with me for no reason...im confused.


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queenie01

Help!! I need some advice, a little over a week ago my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue, he just said that something was missing from our relationship. I was devastated, we dated for 9 months, never fought, had trips planned for this summer and everything. This happened on a friday and i didnt hear from him at all that weekend, then tuesday morning i got an email from him saying that he was sorry and he knows this came out of left field but he didnt mean to hurt me. He said i left some stuff at his house and to let him know if i want him to drop it off or whatever. Then he said if its meant to be we will get back together and it will be stronger than ever. I wrote him back a very long email saying he handled everything wrong, if he had doubts he should have come to talk to me and we could have taken a break or something etc...

then i told him i would let him know how i want to handle getting my stuff back. That was that... then tuesday nite i got a text message from him saying he had an idea...how about he keeps my stuff and we get together in a couple weeks to talk and see how we feel. I agreed to that and he responded by saying he knows he didnt handle things the best and hes sorry. Soo...that was on tuesday and i didnt hear from him since, so i emailed him on friday to just say hi. Basically he told me he wasnt happier without me but he needs more time to know if he will be happier...

I am so confused and dont know what to think or do. Anyone have any advice for me at all????

btw we work for the same company so we run into each other quite often but havent talked since we broke up other than email or text message.

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LucreziaBorgia

There is ALWAYS a reason. You may never find out exactly why he did this, but trust me when I tell you he surely does have his reasons. They likely have nothing to do with you - you could be 'the top rated girlfriend in all of the world' but if he doesn't see you that way, then there's little you can do. You can do everything right, and he may still see something wrong. Why? Sometimes the reasons are petty, sometimes they are significant - but in reality, the 'dumpee' almost never, ever gets a straight answer to that simple question 'why'.

 

What I think his reasons are? He's got his eye on someone else and he's seeing how that turns out and he wants to keep you around in case it doesn't work out.

 

What to do? He needs space, so you will need to give him that. Any attempts you make to bring him back after he has made his escape are doomed to failure right now. As long as he is saying 'space' - that is all your relationship is: empty space.

 

So, back away. Don't call or contact him in any way, shape or form. If you want to to continue contact, it will have to be 100% on his terms. If you try in any way, he will interpret that as 'pushing' and 'putting pressure on him'. So, let him be the one to contact you.

 

If you are strong enough, take the extra step and go to full out 'no contact' and at work keep it 100% work related with a refusal to discuss anything not work related.

 

A while of that, with no access to you will definitely get him thinking about what it is he truly wants from you: reconciliation, or parting ways. If he drifts, and doesn't contact you again then you'll know that it was already over to begin with.

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queenie01

Dont you think its sort of weird that he wants to keep my stuff?? why would he want to look at it all over his bedroom?

 

We dont talk at work at all and rarely see each other, we used to workout at lunch together but now he goes an hour later than me but we still run into each other at the gym.

 

Its very sad because on thursday he took a check from me for our vacation we had planned, but he told me he ripped it up. He keeps telling me over and over that if its meant to be then we will be back together and also keeps telling me that time apart will let us know it "us" was right.

I know for a fact there is no other girls...unless he goes back to a previous ex or something. It just confuses me so much...

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And it always will confuse you, there's no doubt about that. It's funny, because my ex dumped me and asked to keep something (treadmill) for a couple of months. Selfishly she said she was banking on it to keep in shape for a role she had. I should have told her that I was banking on her, but what was the point of that. I let her keep it and now I regret it because we rarely if ever talk, and now looming on the horizon is me going to pick the damn thing up. :mad: The worst part is that it takes a while to take the damn thing apart, so I can look farward to a nice dose of awkward. But there was no point in being an ass and demanding it back. Hopefully she will at least appreciate the gesture, and that I was bigger than the situation at hand. I guess I thought that she wanted to keep it to think about us, and leave the door open for reconciling. God I'm an idiot. If she wanted me, I wouldn't be here. She wanted a treadmill. A f@#$@#g treadmill. :mad::mad:

 

You may never find out exactly why. And it will always hurt when you think about it, although less and less as time goes by. Get your stuff when you feel ready. I'm kinda glad I let her keep it, because I will be able to approach the situation with a clearer head after a couple of more months... by then I might not even care anymore. Doubt it, but maybe. :D

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sunshinegirl

Hi Queenie, I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. My ex couldn't give me any reasons, either. Three months after, I stupidly got in touch with him and eventually asked if he could clarify what happened between us. What I got back was as heartbreaking a non-answer as before: that his feelings changed. There is ALWAYS a reason why feelings change, but he couldn't or wouldn't say what. My story is in the Coping thread "answers never help, do they?" or something close to that.

 

I agree with stopping all contact with him during this time. He is probably keeping your stuff so keep his options open and to guarantee that you'll talk to him in a couple weeks.

 

Good luck to you.

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He could just have felt stifled. My boyfriend did the same thing, and when I backed off, we got back together and now things are great. Don't assume it's another girl. It's not ALWAYS another girl. However, he needs to make up his mind, because this isn't fair to you.

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I'm sorry to say this but "HE's JUST NOT INTO YOU", if he was he wouldn't want to take a break from someone he loves dearly and risk loosing you to another person...He is stringing you along to see "what is better" don't let him dictate the terms, just move on with your life and consider yourselves broken up!!

 

He will come running back to you when you move on...It is just up to you to be STRONG!!

 

Trust me, I know have been thru this myself, and he is stringing you along, don't be a fool and fall for it!!

 

GL

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wow so many replies...thanks everyone.. I came to work today very strong saying i was done with him...and hes right whats meant to be will be.

Unfortunately since we work together i ran into him this morning...he wont even look at me. I just dont get it, i did nothing wrong to him and we didnt end on bad terms. Anyone know why he wont even look at me or say hi??

I have been nothing but nice and understanding throughout this whole fiasco...last we spoke was on friday thru email and he didnt seem happy but claims he needed more time. I emailed him pics yesterday from my bday and he didnt reply...i think i just need to give up!

He still has all my crap at his house too... I just wish i knew why he was doing this...makes no sense to me. At least say hello to me!

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ErinErinErin

Akk- my ex is doing the same thing to me---- don not call him- do nothing but sit on your hands for now!!! I am not contacting my ex at all and it is driving him crazy because he is calling me for the dumbest reasons and is showing up all the time at the mall where I work and lurking around...as long as he knows that you will take him back- he is in control- let him not know what you are thinking and then his feelings may change! Hang in there!!!

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Hey Erin,

thanks for the response? so your ex did the same thing? im so confused because he didnt give me any reasons, and honestly i know there is no other girl. We broke up a week ago from friday and then i didnt hear from him til tuesday, he emailed me to say sorry and he really believes if its meant to be we will get back together and be stronger. also wanted to give me my stuff back, so i responded very nicely and maturely telling him i dont believe he handled it well because he could of talked to me about any doubts he was having regarding us etc... anyways i got a text from him tuesday nite saying he wanted to keep my stuff and get together in a couple weeks to talk and see how we feel, but he would understand if i didnt like the idea. I agreed... then after seeing in the halls at work a few times last week, with no communication, i decided to email him friday and say hi. Turned into a conversation thru email but only found out that he needs more time to realize if he happier or not. So with that i told him "take the time you need, do what you gotta do and you know how to get ahold of me" he responded, thanks thats very big of you, i appreciate it, you do the same.

On monday i decided to email him some pics i had just gotten developed, thought he would like to see them and i got no response. Then today i saw him this morning and he wouldnt even look at me? Any ideas?

Do you think I blew it by emailing him friday or sendign the pics?

What should I do??

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ErinErinErin

I know how hard it is- my ex still has some of my stuff...and he acts so 180 sometimes- like today when he called me 3x about some stupid candle stuff his mother had ordered from me- then when I called him back he was all casual about it...they like to play games and know that they still have you tied to them so to speak...

 

I don't think that the picture thing was a bad idea- you sound like you just sent him the pics and he was the one who was acting all weird over it...maybe it hurt him to see them in some way...

 

My guess is that he misses you but doens't want to back down from what he is doing just yet...my advice is to give it time and don't do anything...let him call you...

 

Let me know what you think and what happens...

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The hardest part of this whole thing is that on the thursday before we broke up he was text messaging me I love you, then friday he breaks up with me...its all so crazy. And it certainly doesnt help that he works here and i have to see him...i feel so hurt that he wont even look at me, i didnt do anything to him, why does he have to ignore me.

The whole situation sucks but i really cant do anything except leave him be, either he will realize that i was important to him or he will be fine without me. At this point tho I dont think I can contact him anymore. Some people suggest I email him and tell him to bring my stuff to work but I cant bring myself to doing that...last time he initiated any communication was thru a text message and he just suggested that he kept my stuff and we get together in a couple weeks to talk and see how we feel...

who knows! All i know is I miss him and am not taking this very well..

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by queenie01

The hardest part of this whole thing is that on the thursday before we broke up he was text messaging me I love you, then friday he breaks up with me...its all so crazy.

 

Same here - Juliet was talking commitment and marriage less than 2 weeks before she dumped me. Go figure...

 

I think Lucrezia is right - there always is a reason. But it sounds like you will probably never hear it. Chances are it's not a sensible reason, either :(

 

 

The whole situation sucks but i really cant do anything except leave him be, either he will realize that i was important to him or he will be fine without me. At this point tho I dont think I can contact him anymore.

 

No contact is definitely the way to go. At least until he is ready to contact you.

 

In the meantime, try not to focus on him and the relationship. Think instead of yourself and your future. Do some self-improvement, some exercise, a makeover, time bonding with your friends. If he comes back, this independence and strength will make you more attractive. If he doesn't, you will have started the rest of your life.

 

 

who knows! All i know is I miss him and am not taking this very well..

 

Nobody does. You're doing very well, all things considered.

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So should I email him and tell him to bring my stuff to me or just let it ride for a couple weeks of no contact?

Last tuesday was when he last contacted me, so that was over a week ago, when he suggested keeping my stuff and getting together in a couple weeks to talk and see how we feel (whatever that means).... I agreed to do it.

But since then I havent heard from him aside from my email to him on friday just asking how he was doing...I told him I was hoping he was happier and he said "not sure if happier is the word, gonna take more time...meaning it was going to take more time to know if he is happier.

So friday was our last email conversation and monday i emailed him some pics of us that i had just got developed and he didnt even reply..not even a thank you!

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by queenie01

So should I email him and tell him to bring my stuff to me or just let it ride for a couple weeks of no contact?

 

Depends if you need your stuff. I'd already say you're overcontacting and crowding him. The photo thing was a bad move, IMHO. And the result predictable.

 

Back off and leave it if you can. Your stuff gives an excuse to speak in about a month's time.

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So you think I have overcontacted him? Why do you think emailing the photos was a bad move...just curious? I do regret sending them but i was only being nice thinking he would want to see them since i had just got them developed.

What do you think his reasoning is for completely ignoring me when he sees me at work? Personally I feel its a bit immature...

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by queenie01

So you think I have overcontacted him? Why do you think emailing the photos was a bad move...just curious? I do regret sending them but i was only being nice

 

Don't be nice. It will be perceived as clingy and weak. Be distant and unavailable. Trust us on this.

 

What do you think his reasoning is for completely ignoring me when he sees me at work? Personally I feel its a bit immature...

 

Yup, it's immature and shows he can't deal. But you have to go with it.

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Ok im going to take your advice and iniate no communication whatsoever with him anymore...no emails, texts or phone calls. I did think I was doing pretty good tho, considering i only really iniated an email once and it was a week after he broke up with me. I guess the pics was a bad idea but i was hoping that it would spark some nice memories for him... by his lack of response its obvious he cant deal. I think its so funny because he is the one who broke up with me yet he wont even look at me when he sees me in the hall at work...I would say hi if he would make eye contact, to me saying hi means im strong. He is being a coward and I didnt do anything to deserve to be treated that way...geesh!! Makes me really wonder about him...one week we are making all these future plans and the next he breaks up with me because he was having feelings of doubt. If only he would have communicated, personally I think everyone has feelings of doubt in a relationship...

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Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Don't be nice. It will be perceived as clingy and weak. Be distant and unavailable. Trust us on this.

 

You ain't just whistling Dixie, honey.

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by Treasa

You ain't just whistling Dixie, honey.

 

 

???? Now I'm confused :o Wanna explain this for a non-American, Treasa?

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by Treasa

Whoops, I just meant that you're right and I agree with you. :o

 

No problem. I rather enjoyed the phrase and will be using it myself next time I see an American :)

 

Ty for the compliment :o

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So everyone agrees that no contact the best thing i can do right now?

It really sucks seeing him and being ignored...makes me feel like he hates me!

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Hi Queenie 1. I'm new to this board. I think we can help each other.

I have to break up with my girlfriend.

I know she will think it's for no reason as well.

The no BS reason is that after a year and a half I still have so many doubts. If she was my soul-mate, my one true love, I'd know it by now. She wants me to move in with her when our leases are up. If she was the one I'd be looking forward to it. Instead I am sweatin' it. I have no other girl in mind. There isn't anything that she is doing wrong.

Trust me. This woman is amazing on so many levels. She treats me so well and I know that she adores me.

She deserves someone who is thrilled at the prospect of a life with her. Not someone who is still apprehensive about moving forward.

 

My point is queenie1 that you could be an amazing, beautiful, sexy, smart , girlfriend with a great sense of humor but not his soul-mate.

You just can't choose who your one true love is.

When people try to force it one way or the other it's always a disaster.

 

I hope things work out with him.

If they don't it is for the best, trust me. It didn't work out with him because your perfect match is still out there looking for you.

 

Please check out my thread and help me do what I have to do the right way. The way that will hurt her the least.

 

Best of luck.

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YouGotServed
Originally posted by bing bing

My point is queenie1 that you could be an amazing, beautiful, sexy, smart , girlfriend with a great sense of humor but not his soul-mate.

You just can't choose who your one true love is.

When people try to force it one way or the other it's always a disaster.

 

To be honest Bing Big, isn't that what you want in a person?. Someone who is amazing, sexy, smart, great humor?. Who is the exact soul-mate in your terms?. Do you want someone who is just a companion and have fun with all the time or would you rather have someone who has all those amazing qualities?. I am curious to know why you don't see those qualities as being "the one"?. What is wrong with this girl that makes you want to end it on such a high note?. Ask yourself those questions.....

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