Ex-Fiance of 5yrs Left Me - Feeling Heartbroken & Guilty

May 8, 2017

Hello everyone - I have been navigating this forum for the past month and a half searching for answers. I finally decided to join today if hopes people can help me out and shake me out of this rut I have been in...

I met a really great girl and everything was great... until the last couple weeks on our relationship. We were together for 5yrs, started 12/21/2011 and she ended it on 03/24/17.

I am looking for some help & guidance, I really do love this girl and she was my everything. We had a few issues, but we always talked & worked through them together. We bought a house together (everything was in my name) and living there alone with half of the stuff gone is SUPER heartbreaking. It is like living with her ghost.

Please read my story and help understand if she will ever come back or if she is gone forever. I'm having a really tough time and I regret a lot of the things I did.

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The Story:

It all began a few months after a girl dumped me back in 2011. My (current) ex really liked me and was helping me get through the recent breakup. I was initially afraid to go out with her since I was afraid of getting hurt again. I talked to many of our mutual friends and I started thinking that we would be very good for each other. I took her out on a few dates and then she gave me a big kiss, she admitted she was afraid to do kiss me because she didn't want to push me away or scare me away. Then we started going out.

For the first few years, everything was fantastic! We loved a lot of the same things, hung out with our mutual friends a lot, etc etc. We became closer & closer to each other. I'm totally straightedge (never drank, smoke, did drugs, etc). She socially drank (her parents are big alcoholics), smoked a few times and did weed a couple times. The reason for this, as she told me, was a guy dumped her and she lost all of her friends. As a result for seeking friendship & acceptance, she hung out with the wrong crowd and began doing those things. Once we got together, I told her I don't like to do any of those things and she never did them again. She would always tell me, "That life isn't for me".

The Warning Signs/Possible Issues:

The Friend's Wedding

Our mutual friend's boyfriend (now husband) began to be manipulative towards our friend. He was religious, she wasn't. He forced her to be religious or else he would leave. Our mutual friend caved in and became religious. My ex then hated the boyfriend for changing her friend. We went on a small trip with them and it created a lot of tension in our friendship. We were organized, they weren't. We went to bed earlier, they didn't.. etc.

My ex & I both discussed our dislike of them and we all stopped talking to one another.

Our friend's boyfriend then proposed to her and our friend texted my ex and asked her to be a maid of honor. My ex was hesitant to do so, especially since we haven't talked to them in awhile and she didn't like her anymore. I told her that she shouldn't do it, especially since we haven't talked with them and she was hesitant. My ex texted our friend back and declined to be maid of honor but offered to be a bridesmaid. My ex started to really fight for her friend and say she wanted to do it. I kept talking to her about how I was uncomfortable with it and then she finally broke down and told me that "I miss our friend. I thought if I was a bridesmaid, I would get my friend back." I told her that I miss our friend too, the old version... but her boyfriend had converted her into something we didn't like. Then my ex told me a true statement her friend told her long ago... "I want to make a lot of fake friends so I can have a big wedding". So she told our friend she was not going to be wedding because she didn't feel it was right since we haven't talked to them in awhile. My ex gathered everything of her friend's stuff, put it in a box and dropped it off on her porch without saying anything. Our friend texted my ex asking "Are you mad at me?". My ex never responded to her. I even asked why she didn't respond and my ex said, "If she can't figure it out, F*** her!" I left it alone.

The In-Laws

My ex's family are... interesting people. At first, I just thought they were kind of weird... but then I began hating them. I know now I shouldn't have insulted them by calling them "hillbillies", "rednecks" or "hicks", but my ex would often agree with me and that is how she introduced me to them. I guess it was my way of coping. Her parents aren't necessarily rednecks, but they were pretty mean to her... especially her mother. I remember one night my ex told me everything her mother did/said to her... and I began hating this person. Her father would always complain about his jobs and always doubting & judging her decisions. I began hating that too. Nobody in her family has graduated college and they work a lot of blue-collar jobs.

Some examples I remember that her mother did:

- When my ex was young & she just moved to her current parent's house, her mother asked "When are you going to get friends?" My ex tried to defend herself and cried. She then got out of the car because she was upset and her parents kept driving, she walked home.

- When my ex was young, she always suppressed her feelings around her parents because she would shame her & tell her "Crying is weak".

- When my ex would try and sing to herself, her mother said "You sound like a dying cow"

- My ex had a medical problem with a sciatic nerve and she was away at school (5hrs away). Her parents wouldn't come get her, but I did. When she would cry in pain, her mother said "It's not that bad."

- Ultimate When I proposed to my ex, she was very excited. She came home to tell her family and her mother cried and said "I wish I could be happy for you." That really hurt my ex and she told me later it was because her mother was upset that she might not be invited/included and that my ex didn't want to do the big flashy wedding ceremony. (We wanted to go to the courthouse & elope). Ever since we got engaged, she had become increasing more fearful of her parents, especially her mother.

- Before we got engaged, she did not care. It's almost as if her strength disappeared when we got engaged.

Follow your Dreams

My ex went to college then dropped out and starting working at the company her dad worked for. She began to get harassed there and her Dad would not stand up for her. Despite all of this, she would always defend her job there and say it was a really great place. I was still in school at the time. She became really arrogant and mean to me & our friends, but I knew this wasn't the "real" her. I kept pushing and asking her why she was like this... she eventually broke down and admitted she hated this place and she always wanted to be a teacher but her parents discouraged her from doing so. I told her I would support her all the way. So she quit her job, started back up with college and I got her a job at the place I used to work at. She was determined to get her degree and get her dream job.

Then she became flaky with school. I was talking to my parents about it and they were worried she wouldn't finish and that our life plans (having a child) would get in the way... since she would be going to school for a long time. We talked this over and she agreed. Months after we moved in, she decided to start up school again. I said I would support her all the way.

Angry Explosion

Months went by... we got a house together, moved in together, etc.

I got really angry a few weeks after we moved in. I always told my ex that her mother is very controlling and tries to take over our lives. I was worried that when we got the house, she would take control and my ex would not stop her.

One day when my Dad & I were working in the bathroom, I saw that my ex's mother, her brother and his gf in the hallway. I had no idea that this was happening and that they showed up unannounced. I found my ex and asked her about this, she told me that her brother wanted to see the house so her mother brought them over and gave them a tour. She said that since I was busy, she didn't bother to ask me. I then walked out and saw her mother taking down my blinds and replacing them with new ones. I kept telling my ex I didn't want new blinds, I would rather her buy new doors, paint and more practical things that we needed. They ignored my requests and bought them anyway.

I realized that my fear was actually happening, her mother taking control and my ex not stopping her. I went into my basement and I punched this piece of wood. I later went upstairs and my ex asked what was wrong. I began yelling and saying that I have been so stressed (getting a house, new & scary experience for me, mother taking control, coming in unannounced, etc). She responded by saying that I never yell again and that she felt unsafe (me shouting). I apologized and we made up.

Lacking Emotional Maturity

My ex has anxiety problems, she was also emotionally abused by her parents as you might have guessed. She had a tendency to follow trends, bite off more than she could chew, etc. She would start something and not finish. I would confront her about this and she said does have a tendency to be overzealous and over promise, I always told her that I will help her in any way I can. After talking with her all this time, I told her that all of the problems she is experiencing are the result of her parents. Her low self-esteem is because of them (they would always berate her, say how bad she looks, etc.), her tendency to always deflect blame on to me even when she did something bad to me (they always blamed her for everything) and her lack of financial sense (her parents are deeply in debt). I told her that's another reason why I hated her parents because they have given us these problems and we have to deal with them. She agreed and said we could work on it together, which I agreed.

The Movie Ticket Issue & Friends

After losing our mutual friends, we began seeing other friends. These friends were nice and much more mature than our old friends. We would always joke and say that these new friends "replaced" our old friends. Our new friends planned on going to a midnight movie premiere with us, which was fine.

Then our friends suddenly decided to invite a giant group of people. They said it would be "easier" for me to just buy the tickets on one card and have everyone back me back. I did not agree to this at all, especially since they all were strapped for cash usually. My ex & I fought about this, she would try and defend them and say "Just do it, it's our friends". We had a heated argument in her car and then she said she didn't want to talk to me.

The next day I went over to her house to talk about it, I even brought flowers. She was very cold to me and said that she didn't feel "listened to" and is "tired of the engagement arguments" and that she is leaving me. I told her that it wasn't fair and I didn't want to see these new friends because of the financial responsibility they were forcing me into. I began walking out and then I began crying on my knees and told her I was sorry for everything I ever did.

She then said she wanted to work on this with me and she felt "listened to" again. We ended up not going to the movie with those friends and not seeing them again. When I would ask her about that situation later, she would say that the new friends weren't as great as she thought they were and that she "didn't need friends" because she is "too busy" to have them.

A month later, after we "broke up" with these new friends, some co-workers of hers invited us to hang out with them. I told my ex that I was uncomfortable with it, especially since we "broke up" with our other friends and these co-workers of hers drink a lot and gossip... they are not my type of people. I was afraid of us getting hurt again so I said I didn't want to.

FINANCIAL TROUBLE

My ex tends to go on shopping sprees when she is unhappy. When she worked at the awful job her Dad got her in at, she accumlated $10k in credit card debt. Luckily, she had $10k saved in an account somewhere from a dead relative. She used that to wipe away the debt. I told her that if we are going to get married, she cannot accumlate that much debt again and to watch her spending. She agreed and said she would watch it more.

When we got our house, I was unhappy on how it looked. She said that we would both work on the house together to make it into a house we love. While she bought the paint, brushes, groceries, etc... I bought all of the really expensive things (appliances, countertops, remodels, etc).

I started noticing that she was using her credit cards a lot more than usual. I would always ask her where her debt is at and she would always tell me that she had it under control and not to worry. It began to slowly climb. When I was home, I noticed her laptop was open and logged in. I logged into her bank account (the credentials were already typed in) and I found out that she accumlated $12k in credit card debt. I confronted her about this later and she said that I invaded her privacy and that I went behind her back. I sincerely apologized for doing that, but what drove me to do it was the fact she wouldn't tell me how her debt situation was and that we need to be transparent with our finances if we were to get married. I asked her why she lied to me and said "I have only a couple grand", she told me she gave me that answer because she was suspicious as to why I asked her about her debt.

After we talked, she agreed that her spending got out of hand. She said that it was because I was so unhappy with the house that she spent all this money to make it into a house I loved. I told her that I also contributed (buying appliances, countertops, etc). She made me feel like I was to blame for her financial crisis.

We talked some more about it after she calmed down and told me that she uses credit cards because she was afraid of not having enough money in her checking account. So I told her to start eliminating expenses she doesn't need or finding cheaper alternatives. For example, I told her to quit the gym since she wasn't going in months and they kept taking money. Told her to make her lunch at home instead of buying it, etc.

THE FIRST STRIKE

It began on Christmas of last year. My ex's grandmother is a HEAVY smoker. She would smoke in the house and it became unbearable to me. I began getting shortness of breath and the smoke odor soaked into my hair & clothes. I finally hit a breaking point and said, "I can't go over there anymore. The smoke is too much for me. All the other issues I have with your family I can solve on my own, I can't escape the smoke and just not breathe!" She was very upset by this and said, "You are asking me to not do something that I have done my entire life" (going over to the grandmother's house for major holidays). We got into a few arguments and she would say, "It's so obvious you don't like these people and it really stresses me out. You're putting the burden on me to tell them you aren't going to the major holidays." I would argue back and say "You always say they make you anxious/nervous and you've developed coping mechanisms to deal with them. If they stress you out, why see them?! I can't help the smoke, it's my health! I can help everything else!".

The last family event I went to was for her brother's birthday. I went there and didn't talk to anyone (like I always have been). Her dad complained about his job so much that he became loud. He turned to me and asked if I had similar issues at my job. I said, "No" (should have stopped there) then said "but we leave our jobs at the door". Her mother then tried forcing my ex to throw a big birthday party for her and me (our birthdays are couple days apart). My ex declined and I declined too. She kept pressuring and I said, "No.. I don't need much." (her mother is very opulent).

When we left, I thought my ex was going to rip me apart. I said I'm sorry and I shouldn't have said those two things. She told me it was OK and not worry about it. I then joked later that night and said "what if I just don't go to any family events? You can go but I won't". She answered, "We could do that.... the only problem we have is with my family. I am so tired about us talking about my family. If you don't come along, the problem would be gone." I was shocked she said this, so I told her that if she truly didn't want to do that, I understand. I told her that I am engaged to her and I want to marry her and I must find a way to cope with them. She said she would think about it.

The next morning she went grocery shopping. She came home and COMPLETELY changed. She began yelling at me and saying "You aren't going to be a part-time husband! If you can't stomach my family this can't work!" I defended and said, "Then why did you say all of these things yesterday?!" Then almost everything I have ever done wrong in our relationship came to a head again. She had a blowout and she went into another room. I heard her crying hard and I came up to her and apologized. She snapped at me and I left her alone for a couple hours, we didn't speak. I approached her later that night and told her if we were OK and she said yes. We talked about it more with level heads and I told her about a compromise. I said: "I will try my damndest to be more tolerant of them. I would just like a plan ahead of time so I can prepare myself. I will go to all family events except for the few at your grandmother's because of the smoke." She said that it OK since it was my health involved and that she was to tell her family soon. We went to bed and everything was fine that week.

THE SECOND STRIKE

During the week after, she told me she was considering dropping a class. I told her to not drop it and keep going since she only had a month left. She was afraid her GPA would drop and that there was no hope. I encouraged her to talk to the professor and see if they could do anything before she dropped it. That Friday/Saturday, she told me that she dropped the class. I asked her, "Did you even try to save the class?" (this ticked her off). She told me that she was so busy with work she wasn't able to find time for school. I said (which I probably shouldn't have) "How did I manage to do it? I worked full-time too and went to school full-time" She responded with, "I'm sorry not everybody is like you!". Which I quickly responded, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that... I guess I was trying to say that it is possible and that you can do it".

We came home and during dinner she was pretty snappy, I told her I would leave her alone. After dinner I asked if we could talk. She cried hard and said, "I'm just not happy. I hate when you insult my family, complain about them, etc. I hate my job and school is really stressing me out." I gave her a big hug and said "I didn't know! OMG I'm so sorry!" She started to get hysterical when talking about her job and how she felt trapped. I then suddenly offered to try & get her into my current workplace.

She calmed down, I warned her I'm not sure if I would be able to but I could look into it. She then became more level headed and talked. She told me everything that was bothering her and I told her everything that was bothering me. I told her that I would like her to develop some "emotional maturity" because she would always blame EVERYTHING on me, regardless of I was to blame or not. I then told her, "I'm sorry, I hope that didn't sound too harsh. But I understand why you do it... it's because of your parents." She agreed and said she was going to work on it and talk to some counselors because she said it wasn't fair to me. We made up, went to bed and everything was fine.

THE THIRD & FINAL STRIKE

The week went fine. I talked to my ex about our wedding plans. She was really happy and we were planning it, talking about what we were going to do, etc. When I asked about how her family was to be involved, I didn't lash out. I composed myself and agreed to a lot of things. It was going really well.

Fast-forward to Friday, she said she really wanted ice cream and I offered to take her out to dinner. I drove home from work and relaxed on my couch. She came home, gave me a hug & kiss and began to get changed for dinner. I went up to her and gave her a big hug and she gave me a big hug too. We got into my car and we drove to dinner. We laughed & talked the whole way. While at dinner, I asked her that her family's birthday dinner was Sunday and what the plan was. She gave me the details and I said "thank you. I'm sorry I'm asking again, that is just the point of anxiety I have. I don't want to say anything that might set them off. You've lived with them, you know what is acceptable to say." Then she snapped, I saw it in her eyes. I tried talking to her and she became quiet and said "nothing". I started getting worried and she said "I just wish you got along with my mother". I responded, "I didn't just wake up one day and think that. I got to that point overtime, she's been abrasive towards me and she talks bad about you, me and my parents." I paused then said, "Wait... you don't get along with her either!" She said, "Yes, and I wish I got along better with her too."

We paid the bill and walking to my car she said, "I don't want ice cream anymore". I kept asking her what was wrong and she cried again and said "I'm just not happy. I haven't been happy the last couple weeks." It was a repeat of the typical family friction we had. I kept telling her that I was being petty before and that the last couple weeks hit me hard. I really "made peace" with her family. I told her that all of the issues she had with me a couple weeks ago, that were in my immediate control, I corrected immediately (stopping talking about family, stopping talking to her about leaving work, etc). I said the only thing left was for me to show her at this upcoming family event that I have matured. She wouldn't give me the chance and she said "I'm sorry. I can't change the way I feel." I kept apologizing. The strangest reason is that I didn't cry at all... she was crying a lot. She said she wanted to leave.

She picked up a garbage bag and headed into our closet, then stopped. I went up to her and asked her to talk, but she kept insisting "I'm sorry. I haven't been happy. Can't change the way I feel." So then I said, "If you are so eager to leave, then why are you hesitating and standing there?" She sighed and began packing up her stuff. I couldn't believe what I was seeing so I began pacing through different rooms. She then later came up to me and asked, "Are you okay? I didn't see you in the house" I said, "No!" She responded with "Well, I'm not okay either" and walked away. It began storming pretty hard, I saw lightning flash and heard thunder. I went up to her and said, "It's storming out. Why don't you stay her tonight, I feel bad having go into the rain." She responded, "I'm not afraid of the rain." She packed some more bags into her car. At the end she cried a lot and said that she was going to get her dad's truck in the morning and take some more stuff in the basement, and that everything that was left I can either throw away or keep.

I asked for one last hug and said yes. She began crying really hard in my arms and I told her, "Remember that dream you had? Where you were walking across the stage at school and you got your degree, and you looked into the audience and you saw me?" She cried and said, "Stop it...." I just ended it with, "I'm sorry I won't be part of that." I held her hand and said asked her to be honest with me one last time, "Do you want space or do you never want to see me again?" She almost immediately said she wanted space. Then said, "If I realize I made the wrong decision, I'll let you know. But I'm not sure if I'll ever get to that point because right now I'm not happy and not ready for anything. But if we do start again, we are starting fresh and not picking up where we left off today." I told her, "start fresh, like I was begging for earlier today about giving me a chance to show you?" She nodded, cried and starting walking out. She kept hesitating, cried and told me "I'm sorry, I don't hate you. I'm sorry this didn't work between us. I'll see you in the morning." She went into the garage and began crying really hard. I told her, "It's cold out here, come back into the house and let out some emotion." She snapped and said, "No, I don't want to go back in the house. I just want to go home (her parents house) and go to bed." She got into her car and drove away. My parents came over and comforted me, we stayed up until 3AM talking to me. I checked FaceBook and she had already changed her status to "Single".

THE MOVE OUT

The next morning, she texted me and said "Be there soon. My parents are helping me." I said, "I would like to talk about this more, would you like to talk too?" After a few minutes of silence, she responded with "No".

When they arrived, I greeted them and they didn't respond or look at me. They walked right past me into my house and started ransacking everything that was hers or both of ours. Everything remaining was just my stuff. I could hear her mother and my ex whispering to each other constantly.

My ex came up to me and asked for her portion of the savings account back, I told her that I understand that and I transferred the money as we speak. She was so cold & emotionless that morning. She came to me again and I told her, "You said you wanted space, did you mean it?" She looked cold at me and said, "I've thought about it. I want to leave." I apologized said I love her and said, "Well, thank you for letting me grow as a person. I have learned from this experience that I need to be more tolerant of family and allow you to make your own mistakes. I was only trying to protect you from getting hurt." She teared up and looked away from me. She then looked back at me resumed talking about the savings account and stormed off. She went back to her mother and whispered all the details I just told my ex.

Finally, I heard her tell her parents, "I'm going to tell him we are leaving and to lock the door behind us." I heard her walk up behind me and say, "We are leaving. Lock the door behind us." I turned around, looked at her sadly and said nothing. She paused, turned around and walked out the door. I saw all of their cars drive off.

I am seeing my friends again, but I like the life I had with her. We didn't go out, because we liked being at home just with each other. Living in the house alone is like living with her ghost. I can hear her voice, I can feel her presence in our bedroom, I can see her walking through the halls. Everything in the house is memory trigger and I just get more hurt. I have cried a LOT since she left. My father kept saying that no matter how I look at this situation, it is a problem. He said: "She either was lying to you this whole time, which is a problem... or she was telling the truth and could flip on a dime, which is a problem! She was unnecessarily cruel to you."

THE FIRST DAY ALONE:

I looked on Facebook and saw she posted pictures of some friends she went out with on Saturday night (the same day she moved out with her parents). She had lots of smiles and laughs. The caption read, "Fun night with friends!" I was devastated... she's been posting quotes about "finding happiness within yourself" and "liberty and growing". I had to un-friend her.

RE-BUILDING SOCIAL LIFE:

After rekindling the friendships with all of these people we pushed away, they all took my side. I discovered that my ex had reached out to ALL of the friends that we pushed away and said the EXACT same text to everyone (just replacing the disagreement we had). The text read:

"I would like to apologize for <event>. I let a man push me around. For the last couple years I had some decisions I am not proud of. I feel like I can finally be myself again."

All of the friends I talked to thought the text was odd & sudden, especially when my ex then didn't respond to them. Only one our mutual friends met up with her and discovered a terrible truth.

She is going out A LOT, drinking a lot with her co-workers (who are old and thought she disliked), going on work trips (which she told me she didn't care for that much), went on shopping sprees, opened new credit cards. She also COMPLETELY dropped out of school. While we were together, she told me she couldn't wait to finally get her degree and be the first in her family to do so... but after she dumped me, she quit all together and echoed what her parents have always told her about not going to school.

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So - any advice on this?

I'm really in pain and I am afraid to be alone for long periods of time. I begin spinning and start finding comfort in ending it all.... I wouldn't have to worry about getting heartbroken again, wouldn't have to worry about my job, wouldn't have to worry about starting over and being alone.

She has done a complete social media PURGE of all of our memories on Facebook. Deleted all of our pictures together, un-tagged herself, etc. Even the most innocent of statuses aren't safe from her purge. Just yesterday she deleted a status she posted 4yrs ago just saying "Seeing Iron Man with <my name!". Got deleted within a few hours.

I am still thinking that she will come around and talk to me again.... since we have had 5yrs together and we were going to get married at the end of the year. I was really telling the truth when I said I going to stop being petty with her family. I still love her and I want her back, I believe we can still make it work. I realize that I may have pushed her too hard in some areas, which I regret doing and have learned from... which is why I feel responsible for this whole thing.

Everyone I tell this story to keeps saying the same thing, "You dodged a bullet", "she has emotional problems/immaturity", "craves her mother's approval".

But the pain is still real and I wish I could just talk to her again and work through this. I am considering sending a letter and apologizing for my faults in the relationship, but I am torn.

Thoughts?

Edited May 8, 2017 by LonelyJedi
Added Social Media Purge Update

May 8, 2017

Hello everyone - I have been navigating this forum for the past month and a half searching for answers. I finally decided to join today if hopes people can help me out and shake me out of this rut I have been in...

I met a really great girl and everything was great... until the last couple weeks on our relationship. We were together for 5yrs, started 12/21/2011 and she ended it on 03/24/17.

I am looking for some help & guidance, I really do love this girl and she was my everything. We had a few issues, but we always talked & worked through them together. We bought a house together (everything was in my name) and living there alone with half of the stuff gone is SUPER heartbreaking. It is like living with her ghost.

Please read my story and help understand if she will ever come back or if she is gone forever. I'm having a really tough time and I regret a lot of the things I did.
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The Story:
It all began a few months after a girl dumped me back in 2011. My (current) ex really liked me and was helping me get through the recent breakup. I was initially afraid to go out with her since I was afraid of getting hurt again. I talked to many of our mutual friends and I started thinking that we would be very good for each other. I took her out on a few dates and then she gave me a big kiss, she admitted she was afraid to do kiss me because she didn't want to push me away or scare me away. Then we started going out.

For the first few years, everything was fantastic! We loved a lot of the same things, hung out with our mutual friends a lot, etc etc. We became closer & closer to each other. I'm totally straightedge (never drank, smoke, did drugs, etc). She socially drank (her parents are big alcoholics), smoked a few times and did weed a couple times. The reason for this, as she told me, was a guy dumped her and she lost all of her friends. As a result for seeking friendship & acceptance, she hung out with the wrong crowd and began doing those things. Once we got together, I told her I don't like to do any of those things and she never did them again. She would always tell me, "That life isn't for me".

The Warning Signs/Possible Issues:

The Friend's Wedding
Our mutual friend's boyfriend (now husband) began to be manipulative towards our friend. He was religious, she wasn't. He forced her to be religious or else he would leave. Our mutual friend caved in and became religious. My ex then hated the boyfriend for changing her friend. We went on a small trip with them and it created a lot of tension in our friendship. We were organized, they weren't. We went to bed earlier, they didn't.. etc.

My ex & I both discussed our dislike of them and we all stopped talking to one another.
Our friend's boyfriend then proposed to her and our friend texted my ex and asked her to be a maid of honor. My ex was hesitant to do so, especially since we haven't talked to them in awhile and she didn't like her anymore. I told her that she shouldn't do it, especially since we haven't talked with them and she was hesitant. My ex texted our friend back and declined to be maid of honor but offered to be a bridesmaid. My ex started to really fight for her friend and say she wanted to do it. I kept talking to her about how I was uncomfortable with it and then she finally broke down and told me that "I miss our friend. I thought if I was a bridesmaid, I would get my friend back." I told her that I miss our friend too, the old version... but her boyfriend had converted her into something we didn't like. Then my ex told me a true statement her friend told her long ago... "I want to make a lot of fake friends so I can have a big wedding". So she told our friend she was not going to be wedding because she didn't feel it was right since we haven't talked to them in awhile. My ex gathered everything of her friend's stuff, put it in a box and dropped it off on her porch without saying anything. Our friend texted my ex asking "Are you mad at me?". My ex never responded to her. I even asked why she didn't respond and my ex said, "If she can't figure it out, F*** her!" I left it alone.

The In-Laws
My ex's family are... interesting people. At first, I just thought they were kind of weird... but then I began hating them. I know now I shouldn't have insulted them by calling them "hillbillies", "rednecks" or "hicks", but my ex would often agree with me and that is how she introduced me to them. I guess it was my way of coping. Her parents aren't necessarily rednecks, but they were pretty mean to her... especially her mother. I remember one night my ex told me everything her mother did/said to her... and I began hating this person. Her father would always complain about his jobs and always doubting & judging her decisions. I began hating that too. Nobody in her family has graduated college and they work a lot of blue-collar jobs.

Some examples I remember that her mother did:
- When my ex was young & she just moved to her current parent's house, her mother asked "When are you going to get friends?" My ex tried to defend herself and cried. She then got out of the car because she was upset and her parents kept driving, she walked home.
- When my ex was young, she always suppressed her feelings around her parents because she would shame her & tell her "Crying is weak".
- When my ex would try and sing to herself, her mother said "You sound like a dying cow"
- My ex had a medical problem with a sciatic nerve and she was away at school (5hrs away). Her parents wouldn't come get her, but I did. When she would cry in pain, her mother said "It's not that bad."
- Ultimate When I proposed to my ex, she was very excited. She came home to tell her family and her mother cried and said "I wish I could be happy for you." That really hurt my ex and she told me later it was because her mother was upset that she might not be invited/included and that my ex didn't want to do the big flashy wedding ceremony. (We wanted to go to the courthouse & elope). Ever since we got engaged, she had become increasing more fearful of her parents, especially her mother.
- Before we got engaged, she did not care. It's almost as if her strength disappeared when we got engaged.

Follow your Dreams
My ex went to college then dropped out and starting working at the company her dad worked for. She began to get harassed there and her Dad would not stand up for her. Despite all of this, she would always defend her job there and say it was a really great place. I was still in school at the time. She became really arrogant and mean to me & our friends, but I knew this wasn't the "real" her. I kept pushing and asking her why she was like this... she eventually broke down and admitted she hated this place and she always wanted to be a teacher but her parents discouraged her from doing so. I told her I would support her all the way. So she quit her job, started back up with college and I got her a job at the place I used to work at. She was determined to get her degree and get her dream job.

Then she became flaky with school. I was talking to my parents about it and they were worried she wouldn't finish and that our life plans (having a child) would get in the way... since she would be going to school for a long time. We talked this over and she agreed. Months after we moved in, she decided to start up school again. I said I would support her all the way.

Angry Explosion
Months went by... we got a house together, moved in together, etc.
I got really angry a few weeks after we moved in. I always told my ex that her mother is very controlling and tries to take over our lives. I was worried that when we got the house, she would take control and my ex would not stop her.
One day when my Dad & I were working in the bathroom, I saw that my ex's mother, her brother and his gf in the hallway. I had no idea that this was happening and that they showed up unannounced. I found my ex and asked her about this, she told me that her brother wanted to see the house so her mother brought them over and gave them a tour. She said that since I was busy, she didn't bother to ask me. I then walked out and saw her mother taking down my blinds and replacing them with new ones. I kept telling my ex I didn't want new blinds, I would rather her buy new doors, paint and more practical things that we needed. They ignored my requests and bought them anyway.
I realized that my fear was actually happening, her mother taking control and my ex not stopping her. I went into my basement and I punched this piece of wood. I later went upstairs and my ex asked what was wrong. I began yelling and saying that I have been so stressed (getting a house, new & scary experience for me, mother taking control, coming in unannounced, etc). She responded by saying that I never yell again and that she felt unsafe (me shouting). I apologized and we made up.

Lacking Emotional Maturity
My ex has anxiety problems, she was also emotionally abused by her parents as you might have guessed. She had a tendency to follow trends, bite off more than she could chew, etc. She would start something and not finish. I would confront her about this and she said does have a tendency to be overzealous and over promise, I always told her that I will help her in any way I can. After talking with her all this time, I told her that all of the problems she is experiencing are the result of her parents. Her low self-esteem is because of them (they would always berate her, say how bad she looks, etc.), her tendency to always deflect blame on to me even when she did something bad to me (they always blamed her for everything) and her lack of financial sense (her parents are deeply in debt). I told her that's another reason why I hated her parents because they have given us these problems and we have to deal with them. She agreed and said we could work on it together, which I agreed.

The Movie Ticket Issue & Friends
After losing our mutual friends, we began seeing other friends. These friends were nice and much more mature than our old friends. We would always joke and say that these new friends "replaced" our old friends. Our new friends planned on going to a midnight movie premiere with us, which was fine.
Then our friends suddenly decided to invite a giant group of people. They said it would be "easier" for me to just buy the tickets on one card and have everyone back me back. I did not agree to this at all, especially since they all were strapped for cash usually. My ex & I fought about this, she would try and defend them and say "Just do it, it's our friends". We had a heated argument in her car and then she said she didn't want to talk to me.
The next day I went over to her house to talk about it, I even brought flowers. She was very cold to me and said that she didn't feel "listened to" and is "tired of the engagement arguments" and that she is leaving me. I told her that it wasn't fair and I didn't want to see these new friends because of the financial responsibility they were forcing me into. I began walking out and then I began crying on my knees and told her I was sorry for everything I ever did.
She then said she wanted to work on this with me and she felt "listened to" again. We ended up not going to the movie with those friends and not seeing them again. When I would ask her about that situation later, she would say that the new friends weren't as great as she thought they were and that she "didn't need friends" because she is "too busy" to have them.
A month later, after we "broke up" with these new friends, some co-workers of hers invited us to hang out with them. I told my ex that I was uncomfortable with it, especially since we "broke up" with our other friends and these co-workers of hers drink a lot and gossip... they are not my type of people. I was afraid of us getting hurt again so I said I didn't want to.

FINANCIAL TROUBLE
My ex tends to go on shopping sprees when she is unhappy. When she worked at the awful job her Dad got her in at, she accumlated $10k in credit card debt. Luckily, she had $10k saved in an account somewhere from a dead relative. She used that to wipe away the debt. I told her that if we are going to get married, she cannot accumlate that much debt again and to watch her spending. She agreed and said she would watch it more.
When we got our house, I was unhappy on how it looked. She said that we would both work on the house together to make it into a house we love. While she bought the paint, brushes, groceries, etc... I bought all of the really expensive things (appliances, countertops, remodels, etc).
I started noticing that she was using her credit cards a lot more than usual. I would always ask her where her debt is at and she would always tell me that she had it under control and not to worry. It began to slowly climb. When I was home, I noticed her laptop was open and logged in. I logged into her bank account (the credentials were already typed in) and I found out that she accumlated $12k in credit card debt. I confronted her about this later and she said that I invaded her privacy and that I went behind her back. I sincerely apologized for doing that, but what drove me to do it was the fact she wouldn't tell me how her debt situation was and that we need to be transparent with our finances if we were to get married. I asked her why she lied to me and said "I have only a couple grand", she told me she gave me that answer because she was suspicious as to why I asked her about her debt.
After we talked, she agreed that her spending got out of hand. She said that it was because I was so unhappy with the house that she spent all this money to make it into a house I loved. I told her that I also contributed (buying appliances, countertops, etc). She made me feel like I was to blame for her financial crisis.
We talked some more about it after she calmed down and told me that she uses credit cards because she was afraid of not having enough money in her checking account. So I told her to start eliminating expenses she doesn't need or finding cheaper alternatives. For example, I told her to quit the gym since she wasn't going in months and they kept taking money. Told her to make her lunch at home instead of buying it, etc.

THE FIRST STRIKE
It began on Christmas of last year. My ex's grandmother is a HEAVY smoker. She would smoke in the house and it became unbearable to me. I began getting shortness of breath and the smoke odor soaked into my hair & clothes. I finally hit a breaking point and said, "I can't go over there anymore. The smoke is too much for me. All the other issues I have with your family I can solve on my own, I can't escape the smoke and just not breathe!" She was very upset by this and said, "You are asking me to not do something that I have done my entire life" (going over to the grandmother's house for major holidays). We got into a few arguments and she would say, "It's so obvious you don't like these people and it really stresses me out. You're putting the burden on me to tell them you aren't going to the major holidays." I would argue back and say "You always say they make you anxious/nervous and you've developed coping mechanisms to deal with them. If they stress you out, why see them?! I can't help the smoke, it's my health! I can help everything else!".
The last family event I went to was for her brother's birthday. I went there and didn't talk to anyone (like I always have been). Her dad complained about his job so much that he became loud. He turned to me and asked if I had similar issues at my job. I said, "No" (should have stopped there) then said "but we leave our jobs at the door". Her mother then tried forcing my ex to throw a big birthday party for her and me (our birthdays are couple days apart). My ex declined and I declined too. She kept pressuring and I said, "No.. I don't need much." (her mother is very opulent).
When we left, I thought my ex was going to rip me apart. I said I'm sorry and I shouldn't have said those two things. She told me it was OK and not worry about it. I then joked later that night and said "what if I just don't go to any family events? You can go but I won't". She answered, "We could do that.... the only problem we have is with my family. I am so tired about us talking about my family. If you don't come along, the problem would be gone." I was shocked she said this, so I told her that if she truly didn't want to do that, I understand. I told her that I am engaged to her and I want to marry her and I must find a way to cope with them. She said she would think about it.
The next morning she went grocery shopping. She came home and COMPLETELY changed. She began yelling at me and saying "You aren't going to be a part-time husband! If you can't stomach my family this can't work!" I defended and said, "Then why did you say all of these things yesterday?!" Then almost everything I have ever done wrong in our relationship came to a head again. She had a blowout and she went into another room. I heard her crying hard and I came up to her and apologized. She snapped at me and I left her alone for a couple hours, we didn't speak. I approached her later that night and told her if we were OK and she said yes. We talked about it more with level heads and I told her about a compromise. I said: "I will try my damndest to be more tolerant of them. I would just like a plan ahead of time so I can prepare myself. I will go to all family events except for the few at your grandmother's because of the smoke." She said that it OK since it was my health involved and that she was to tell her family soon. We went to bed and everything was fine that week.

THE SECOND STRIKE
During the week after, she told me she was considering dropping a class. I told her to not drop it and keep going since she only had a month left. She was afraid her GPA would drop and that there was no hope. I encouraged her to talk to the professor and see if they could do anything before she dropped it. That Friday/Saturday, she told me that she dropped the class. I asked her, "Did you even try to save the class?" (this ticked her off). She told me that she was so busy with work she wasn't able to find time for school. I said (which I probably shouldn't have) "How did I manage to do it? I worked full-time too and went to school full-time" She responded with, "I'm sorry not everybody is like you!". Which I quickly responded, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that... I guess I was trying to say that it is possible and that you can do it".
We came home and during dinner she was pretty snappy, I told her I would leave her alone. After dinner I asked if we could talk. She cried hard and said, "I'm just not happy. I hate when you insult my family, complain about them, etc. I hate my job and school is really stressing me out." I gave her a big hug and said "I didn't know! OMG I'm so sorry!" She started to get hysterical when talking about her job and how she felt trapped. I then suddenly offered to try & get her into my current workplace.
She calmed down, I warned her I'm not sure if I would be able to but I could look into it. She then became more level headed and talked. She told me everything that was bothering her and I told her everything that was bothering me. I told her that I would like her to develop some "emotional maturity" because she would always blame EVERYTHING on me, regardless of I was to blame or not. I then told her, "I'm sorry, I hope that didn't sound too harsh. But I understand why you do it... it's because of your parents." She agreed and said she was going to work on it and talk to some counselors because she said it wasn't fair to me. We made up, went to bed and everything was fine.

THE THIRD & FINAL STRIKE
The week went fine. I talked to my ex about our wedding plans. She was really happy and we were planning it, talking about what we were going to do, etc. When I asked about how her family was to be involved, I didn't lash out. I composed myself and agreed to a lot of things. It was going really well.
Fast-forward to Friday, she said she really wanted ice cream and I offered to take her out to dinner. I drove home from work and relaxed on my couch. She came home, gave me a hug & kiss and began to get changed for dinner. I went up to her and gave her a big hug and she gave me a big hug too. We got into my car and we drove to dinner. We laughed & talked the whole way. While at dinner, I asked her that her family's birthday dinner was Sunday and what the plan was. She gave me the details and I said "thank you. I'm sorry I'm asking again, that is just the point of anxiety I have. I don't want to say anything that might set them off. You've lived with them, you know what is acceptable to say." Then she snapped, I saw it in her eyes. I tried talking to her and she became quiet and said "nothing". I started getting worried and she said "I just wish you got along with my mother". I responded, "I didn't just wake up one day and think that. I got to that point overtime, she's been abrasive towards me and she talks bad about you, me and my parents." I paused then said, "Wait... you don't get along with her either!" She said, "Yes, and I wish I got along better with her too."
We paid the bill and walking to my car she said, "I don't want ice cream anymore". I kept asking her what was wrong and she cried again and said "I'm just not happy. I haven't been happy the last couple weeks." It was a repeat of the typical family friction we had. I kept telling her that I was being petty before and that the last couple weeks hit me hard. I really "made peace" with her family. I told her that all of the issues she had with me a couple weeks ago, that were in my immediate control, I corrected immediately (stopping talking about family, stopping talking to her about leaving work, etc). I said the only thing left was for me to show her at this upcoming family event that I have matured. She wouldn't give me the chance and she said "I'm sorry. I can't change the way I feel." I kept apologizing. The strangest reason is that I didn't cry at all... she was crying a lot. She said she wanted to leave.
She picked up a garbage bag and headed into our closet, then stopped. I went up to her and asked her to talk, but she kept insisting "I'm sorry. I haven't been happy. Can't change the way I feel." So then I said, "If you are so eager to leave, then why are you hesitating and standing there?" She sighed and began packing up her stuff. I couldn't believe what I was seeing so I began pacing through different rooms. She then later came up to me and asked, "Are you okay? I didn't see you in the house" I said, "No!" She responded with "Well, I'm not okay either" and walked away. It began storming pretty hard, I saw lightning flash and heard thunder. I went up to her and said, "It's storming out. Why don't you stay her tonight, I feel bad having go into the rain." She responded, "I'm not afraid of the rain." She packed some more bags into her car. At the end she cried a lot and said that she was going to get her dad's truck in the morning and take some more stuff in the basement, and that everything that was left I can either throw away or keep.
I asked for one last hug and said yes. She began crying really hard in my arms and I told her, "Remember that dream you had? Where you were walking across the stage at school and you got your degree, and you looked into the audience and you saw me?" She cried and said, "Stop it...." I just ended it with, "I'm sorry I won't be part of that." I held her hand and said asked her to be honest with me one last time, "Do you want space or do you never want to see me again?" She almost immediately said she wanted space. Then said, "If I realize I made the wrong decision, I'll let you know. But I'm not sure if I'll ever get to that point because right now I'm not happy and not ready for anything. But if we do start again, we are starting fresh and not picking up where we left off today." I told her, "start fresh, like I was begging for earlier today about giving me a chance to show you?" She nodded, cried and starting walking out. She kept hesitating, cried and told me "I'm sorry, I don't hate you. I'm sorry this didn't work between us. I'll see you in the morning." She went into the garage and began crying really hard. I told her, "It's cold out here, come back into the house and let out some emotion." She snapped and said, "No, I don't want to go back in the house. I just want to go home (her parents house) and go to bed." She got into her car and drove away. My parents came over and comforted me, we stayed up until 3AM talking to me. I checked FaceBook and she had already changed her status to "Single".

THE MOVE OUT
The next morning, she texted me and said "Be there soon. My parents are helping me." I said, "I would like to talk about this more, would you like to talk too?" After a few minutes of silence, she responded with "No".
When they arrived, I greeted them and they didn't respond or look at me. They walked right past me into my house and started ransacking everything that was hers or both of ours. Everything remaining was just my stuff. I could hear her mother and my ex whispering to each other constantly.
My ex came up to me and asked for her portion of the savings account back, I told her that I understand that and I transferred the money as we speak. She was so cold & emotionless that morning. She came to me again and I told her, "You said you wanted space, did you mean it?" She looked cold at me and said, "I've thought about it. I want to leave." I apologized said I love her and said, "Well, thank you for letting me grow as a person. I have learned from this experience that I need to be more tolerant of family and allow you to make your own mistakes. I was only trying to protect you from getting hurt." She teared up and looked away from me. She then looked back at me resumed talking about the savings account and stormed off. She went back to her mother and whispered all the details I just told my ex.
Finally, I heard her tell her parents, "I'm going to tell him we are leaving and to lock the door behind us." I heard her walk up behind me and say, "We are leaving. Lock the door behind us." I turned around, looked at her sadly and said nothing. She paused, turned around and walked out the door. I saw all of their cars drive off.

I am seeing my friends again, but I like the life I had with her. We didn't go out, because we liked being at home just with each other. Living in the house alone is like living with her ghost. I can hear her voice, I can feel her presence in our bedroom, I can see her walking through the halls. Everything in the house is memory trigger and I just get more hurt. I have cried a LOT since she left. My father kept saying that no matter how I look at this situation, it is a problem. He said: "She either was lying to you this whole time, which is a problem... or she was telling the truth and could flip on a dime, which is a problem! She was unnecessarily cruel to you."

THE FIRST DAY ALONE:
I looked on Facebook and saw she posted pictures of some friends she went out with on Saturday night (the same day she moved out with her parents). She had lots of smiles and laughs. The caption read, "Fun night with friends!" I was devastated... she's been posting quotes about "finding happiness within yourself" and "liberty and growing". I had to un-friend her.

RE-BUILDING SOCIAL LIFE:
After rekindling the friendships with all of these people we pushed away, they all took my side. I discovered that my ex had reached out to ALL of the friends that we pushed away and said the EXACT same text to everyone (just replacing the disagreement we had). The text read:

"I would like to apologize for <event>. I let a man push me around. For the last couple years I had some decisions I am not proud of. I feel like I can finally be myself again."

All of the friends I talked to thought the text was odd & sudden, especially when my ex then didn't respond to them. Only one our mutual friends met up with her and discovered a terrible truth.

She is going out A LOT, drinking a lot with her co-workers (who are old and thought she disliked), going on work trips (which she told me she didn't care for that much), went on shopping sprees, opened new credit cards. She also COMPLETELY dropped out of school. While we were together, she told me she couldn't wait to finally get her degree and be the first in her family to do so... but after she dumped me, she quit all together and echoed what her parents have always told her about not going to school.

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So - any advice on this?
I'm really in pain and I am afraid to be alone for long periods of time. I begin spinning and start finding comfort in ending it all.... I wouldn't have to worry about getting heartbroken again, wouldn't have to worry about my job, wouldn't have to worry about starting over and being alone.
She has done a complete social media PURGE of all of our memories on Facebook. Deleted all of our pictures together, un-tagged herself, etc. Even the most innocent of statuses aren't safe from her purge. Just yesterday she deleted a status she posted 4yrs ago just saying "Seeing Iron Man with <my name!". Got deleted within a few hours.

I am still thinking that she will come around and talk to me again.... since we have had 5yrs together and we were going to get married at the end of the year. I was really telling the truth when I said I going to stop being petty with her family. I still love her and I want her back, I believe we can still make it work. I realize that I may have pushed her too hard in some areas, which I regret doing and have learned from... which is why I feel responsible for this whole thing.

Everyone I tell this story to keeps saying the same thing, "You dodged a bullet", "she has emotional problems/immaturity", "craves her mother's approval".

But the pain is still real and I wish I could just talk to her again and work through this. I am considering sending a letter and apologizing for my faults in the relationship, but I am torn.

Thoughts?

Oh dude u should read my thread she's crazy like my ex please read my story. U did dodge a bullet I only got half way and that was enough it wss making me cringe yes it's painful.

U put up wth a lot o **** from her end especially her terrible booing bat **** crazy family. Previous to my most recent ex I wss married together 10 yrs same as ur ex here she went up to 50k in debt. It's painful now but it got to the point where u were gonna get lung cancer from her grandma dude damm. I know its hard but it will get easier and don't beat ureself up so much I were a responsible guy she wasn't she was very irresponsible. U were right to have concerns about her spending habit these are are all red flags please dude read my story we both put these bat **** crazy woman on a pedestal and they don't deserve to be there. Me n u are good guys they just don't want us to believe it.

Oh and btw here posting how happy a.d liberated is is facade it's a stable at u it's not true someone that's so happy doeSnr need to prove it my ex did the same thing it's just a bad coping mecharism.

I wouldn't go bac to this one dude. She's got issues

May 8, 2017

You're not going to like this. But, this needs to be over. You need to move on with your life. Sure, remember the good times but, look forward to the future.

She has a LOT of baggage and is easily influenced by others. If she's going to allow others to influence her on life decisions then there's not much you can do.

Another factor is that you've been together 5 years. Maybe she also got sick and tired of waiting for you to put a ring on it. Make your relationship official.

But, you also need to work on yourself! I mean, throwing a fit because someone stopped over unannounced? Dude, seriously....that stuff happens all the time for people but it's no reason to go to the basement and get in a boxing match with a piece of wood over it! And if I'm being honest, you've exhibited a lot of controlling behaviors. So much so that you gave her a reason to blame you for the demise of the relationship (she would have probably done that anyway, but now you gave her a reason. Something to blame it on). And look what's happening. She's reaching out to others and pretty much blaming you. "But, it's okay, because now I'm free!"

Dude, just chalk this on up to lessons learned. Start fixing things in your life. It's time to move on.

May 8, 2017

That was painful to read I bleed for you that's horrible. Sucks being strong during this all, I agree she seems like she has a lot of issues to work through I wouldn't contact her even though it may be hard, you need to grow and rebuild yourself. I am going through issues as well hard letting someone go but when they have let you go no matter what you do it has to be them who changes and wants to be with you. I doubt at this point until she worked through her issues you would even be happy with her.

May 8, 2017

You're not going to like this. But, this needs to be over. You need to move on with your life. Sure, remember the good times but, look forward to the future.

She has a LOT of baggage and is easily influenced by others. If she's going to allow others to influence her on life decisions then there's not much you can do.

Another factor is that you've been together 5 years. Maybe she also got sick and tired of waiting for you to put a ring on it. Make your relationship official.

But, you also need to work on yourself! I mean, throwing a fit because someone stopped over unannounced? Dude, seriously....that stuff happens all the time for people but it's no reason to go to the basement and get in a boxing match with a piece of wood over it! And if I'm being honest, you've exhibited a lot of controlling behaviors. So much so that you gave her a reason to blame you for the demise of the relationship (she would have probably done that anyway, but now you gave her a reason. Something to blame it on). And look what's happening. She's reaching out to others and pretty much blaming you. "But, it's okay, because now I'm free!"

Dude, just chalk this on up to lessons learned. Start fixing things in your life. It's time to move on.

1) I did put a ring on it, we were together since we were 18yrs old. We were engaged since 2015... I waited until I got my full-time job after college and was in the market for a house.

2) What controlling behaviors was I showing? I will admit that I should have let her just go to the wedding, but she later told me that she would have regretted going anyways, since that friend is not who she thinks she was. I have always just tried to help her, with all of her problems. At the same, stand up for what I want (not wanting to buy tickets with my card).

3) As for her family coming unannounced, that angered me because I felt that they had no respect for my house and my boundaries. They began changing out blinds despite me telling me them I did not want it!

I guess I can't shake this immense guilt. I do not know if I am TRULY this evil person she thinks I am or what.

She has been blaming EVERYTHING on me, including gaining weight. She has been telling people that she gained weight because I made her quit the gym. I told her to quit the gym because she wasn't going for months and that she was running low on money!!

Edited May 8, 2017 by LonelyJedi
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May 8, 2017

Hello everyone -

I'm having a very rough time when this breakup since March 24th, which is when my ex-fiance left me.

Literally overnight, she turned very cruel & cold to me... including her parents.

- We are both 24yrs old now, she left a week before our birthdays.

- We have been together for 5yrs, and planned on getting married at the end of the year. She chased me all those years ago because she really liked me.

- She has a tendency to put family/friends before me because she said she always wants to "please everyone". So I would always tell her that we need to only be concerned with us and make each other happy.

- I have noticed that since our engagement, our arguments got more intense than they should have been. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact her mother said "I wish I could be happy for you" (when she found out my ex was engaged to me).

- She said that in stressful situations, she often has "fight or flight" responses and almost always chooses "flight". I would encourage her that we can "fight" together and she doesn't need to run away all the time. She always told me she appreciated that and loved me.

- She would often go through "phases" (as I called them) because she would find interest in doing something, then all of sudden stop doing it and move on to the next big thing. I believe this was done in an effort to "fit in".

My FULL STORY is here: CLICK HERE

The day she left, she was very upset and was crying. Oddly, I didn't cry once. She left and took some of her stuff and told me I can "keep or throw away the rest". My ex said she'd be back the next morning to pick up just a couple more boxes in the basement. She said she wanted space and that she still loved me.

The next morning, she became VERY cruel and mean. I asked her if we could talk some more and she just said "No". Her parents came over to the house we bought and practically ransacked everything (and took things they shouldn't have). During this time, my ex was very heartless and did not show any emotion.

After they left, I told my ex that her parents took things that were mine. She said she would "drop it off on my porch" in a few days.

The next night, I completely lost it emotionally. I began crying uncontrollably and sobbing so hard. My mother, concerned, called my ex from my phone. My ex did not answer so my mother left a message crying basically saying that I was an emotionally wreck and that she was worried to leave me alone since I was so upset. She asked if my ex could just talk to me. In a few minutes, my ex texted me back but they were from her mother. The texts said: "This is <my ex>'s mother. I understand that your son is upset right now. But this was not a sudden unexpected thing, <my ex> has been unhappy for a couple weeks and he has been aware and choose to do nothing. If you are worried about <my name>, then perhaps he needs a mental health assessment. <My ex> is not responsible for his happiness." (the "couple weeks" she was referring to were the few arguments my ex & I had before she left. I thought they were resolved since my ex told me everything was OK afterwards).

Of course, I cried harder reading this...

When that "drop off" day came, I did not know she was coming. I just heard a car door slam, a box drop (with glass in it) and saw headlights speed off into the night. She left a note on the box saying "P.S. When I say I don't want something, it is NOT an invitation to put it in my boxes. Don't play games with me." The items she is referring to was her birthday gift I got for her (she left a week before her birthday) and the custom luggage tags she bought for our honeymoon in December. I texted her telling her that my intention was not to play games, but I wanted to return those items to her since they were hers. She just responded with: "The <gift> is yours to play, return or sell. I wish you nothing but the best. Goodbye <my name>."

I heard through a mutual friend that she is spreading lies and making me out to be the bad guy for EVERYTHING. She is not taking responsibility for ANYTHING bad that happened in & out of our relationship. She is blaming EVERYTHING on me...

A few examples:

"<my name> made me quit the gym, so I gained weight."

(I told her to quit the gym because she wasn't going for months and she was running low on money.)

"I would have talked to <our friends> at the Christmas party a few years back, but <my name> wouldn't let me!

(We both did not want to talk to those friends at that Christmas party years back, we both felt uncomfortable being there)

She is basically telling everyone that we once talked to and her co-workers the world according to her and that I am this horrible person, leaving out necessary details. She was "bar hopping" (which she has never done before) with her co-workers (who I thought she didn't really like that much) NIGHT after she left, with all smiles and happiness. Is this a front? I also noticed that she did a complete PURGE of social media. Deleted all of the pictures she had of us and un-tagged herself from everything (pictures, posts, etc.) I couldn't stand seeing those pictures/purge on Facebook, so I removed her as a friend.

She has admitted to being a pushover to me before, but I told her that I always just trying to help & support her.

She is also deathly afraid of her family, especially her mother. She has been emotionally abused by her parents, especially her mother growing up. Her mother has called her a "b****" to her face, said she looked like hell, etc. The mother has also told my ex that crying is weak and to suppress her emotions. Meanwhile with me, I have always told her to let out her emotions and that our house was a "safe space".

Why is she being so unnecessarily cruel?

Can an emotionally immature person become mature?

Will she come back?

Guess I'm waiting for the day when she texts or calls me.... asking to talk about this. Or has these last 5yrs meant NOTHING to her? Everything in our relationship was a milestone for both of us.

Edited May 8, 2017 by LonelyJedi

May 8, 2017

No, no, and no. No one deserves something like that.

May 8, 2017

No, no, and no. No one deserves something like that.

Lol could you elaborate?

Sorry - having a really tough time with this breakup. It is like I have been traumatized .

May 8, 2017

1) I did put a ring on it, we were together since we were 18yrs old. We were engaged since 2015... I waited until I got my full-time job after college and was in the market for a house.

2) What controlling behaviors was I showing? I will admit that I should have let her just go to the wedding, but she later told me that she would have regretted going anyways, since that friend is not who she thinks she was. I have always just tried to help her, with all of her problems. At the same, stand up for what I want (not wanting to buy tickets with my card).

3) As for her family coming unannounced, that angered me because I felt that they had no respect for my house and my boundaries. They began changing out blinds despite me telling me them I did not want it!

I guess I can't shake this immense guilt. I do not know if I am TRULY this evil person she thinks I am or what.
She has been blaming EVERYTHING on me, including gaining weight. She has been telling people that she gained weight because I made her quit the gym. I told her to quit the gym because she wasn't going for months and that she was running low on money!!

1.) You did put a ring on it. Sorry.

2.) Certain things that you said. I mean, with the pot smoking, I understand. I wouldn't want to date anyone that does drugs either. But, With the wedding thing that you pointed out. Or making the determination of what friends you're going to associate with and not to associate with. Another thing you said that you felt that her mother was trying to "control" everything and it read like you were upset of giving up that control to her. If I'm wrong, then I apologize.

3.) Sure, you can get angry. But the keys word you used was she wasn't respecting MY home. Here's the rub, you might have paid for everything, but it was a home you were sharing with her! Therefore, you've you've surrendered it to being OUR home. And here another thing you're going to learn. You home isn't your home anymore when there's the two of you. Women pride themselves on making a house a home. And you really don't have too much of a say. If you think I'm wrong. Put up a 3 foot by 4 foot painting of an X-wing Fighter in the living room. When you meet the next girl and if you move in together, guess what is the first thing coming down. Why do you think that "Man Caves" are a thing? Because it is the only space in the house that is truly dedicated to a man. She can have the rest of the house, but that is YOUR space.

May 8, 2017

1.) You did put a ring on it. Sorry.

2.) Certain things that you said. I mean, with the pot smoking, I understand. I wouldn't want to date anyone that does drugs either. But, With the wedding thing that you pointed out. Or making the determination of what friends you're going to associate with and not to associate with. Another thing you said that you felt that her mother was trying to "control" everything and it read like you were upset of giving up that control to her. If I'm wrong, then I apologize.

Yes, her co-workers asked if we wanted to hang out with them and I said I didn't want to because they liked to party, go out and drink, etc. That wasn't us. My ex & I didn't drink alcohol when we were together. I have never drank before.... but now she is out drinking with them a lot (from what my friends tell me). Looks like the only people she has left are her co-workers, since all of the friends she reached out to vilify me, all took my side.

That being said, should I write a letter to her and alleviate some of my guilt?

I guess I'm hoping for her to be open to talking to me again and working this out... but I fear that she will never respond and if she does, it will be really cruel (like she has been lately). Read my other thread on details of her cruelness post-breakup (HERE)

I apologize for the long story, she was a big part of my life and I'm having a really tough time with this. I have been spinning and analyzing what I did wrong and trying to rebuild my life.

May 8, 2017

OP, I've read and contributed to your other thread.

You keep repeating the same things, over and over. I know this is very hard for you, but I'm not sure what benefit you're getting from retelling this. In fact, I think it's making it worse for you in the sense that you keep reliving it and actively engaging in it as you repeat the painful details. I know writing it all out can be therapeutic, but it doesn't appear to be helping you.

To answer your question, I don't think writing a letter is a good idea right now. You're not yet at a place where you could handle receiving a negative reply, or not reply at all.

Also, it's important to consider your ages here. Most people in this generation don't stay with the partners they met at 18. Many are just not ready to able to commit forever to the first serious partner they have, and want to explore and experience life more before settling down. This is why you're hearing about her going out and partying and carrying on. It's not so unusual for someone to do a bit of a personal 180 let loose after a break-up in their early 20s, simply because they are enjoying the freedom of not being tied down or answerable to anyone but themselves. She is very unlikely to be the last great love of your life; I know you can't envision it now, but there are bigger and better opportunities for you out there.

So, let me ask you this: what steps have you taken to begin your healing process?

May 8, 2017

OP, I've read and contributed to your other thread.

So, let me ask you this: what steps have you taken to begin your healing process?

Hi ExpatInItaly -

For starters, I have begun rekindling the friendships that I neglected during the relationship, including the ones we pushed away. I have begun hanging out more with friends and seeing a therapist to help process my feelings.

I have unfriended her on Facebook way back when she posted those pictures because it hurt me too much. I have not spoken to her since she dropped off the box on my porch. So I have been in NC since 03/29/17.

May 8, 2017

Hi ExpatInItaly -

For starters, I have begun rekindling the friendships that I neglected during the relationship, including the ones we pushed away. I have begun hanging out more with friends and seeing a therapist to help process my feelings.
I have unfriended her on Facebook way back when she posted those pictures because it hurt me too much. I have not spoken to her since she dropped off the box on my porch. So I have been in NC since 03/29/17.

Good, keep doing these things.

I'm curious how you know she deleted a 4-year-old status update on FB just yesterday when you've already unfriended her, though.

May 8, 2017

Good, keep doing these things.

I'm curious how you know she deleted a 4-year-old status update on FB just yesterday when you've already unfriended her, though.

FB has that "On this Day" feature, which shows you all activity that I did as well as statuses/pictures I was tagged in on that day in history (regardless if I'm still friends with them or not).

I saw the status, didn't hurt to see it... it made me remember the good times we shared. When I checked later, it was gone. That is what hurt... it was just an innocent status!! The status today I saw (and she subsequently deleted) was a bit more lovey-dovey, so I can understand that one... but still - it's a part of our past. Can't understand how someone can just completely erase someone from their life and their memory of them.

May 8, 2017

She's doing all this because it makes her feel better. She's trying to get sympathy.

You know the truth. People close to you know the truth. It's really nobody else's business & if they don't care to hear your side of the story, then you are better off without them.

Spend time focused on your healing. It will take time. Don't worry about her. She is no longer your concern.

Hang in there. This will be a long bumpy road. Make sure you have supportive people to spend time with on the day that would have been your wedding day. You will get through this & be stronger for it in the end.

May 8, 2017

L

1.) You did put a ring on it. Sorry.

2.) Certain things that you said. I mean, with the pot smoking, I understand. I wouldn't want to date anyone that does drugs either. But, With the wedding thing that you pointed out. Or making the determination of what friends you're going to associate with and not to associate with. Another thing you said that you felt that her mother was trying to "control" everything and it read like you were upset of giving up that control to her. If I'm wrong, then I apologize.

3.) Sure, you can get angry. But the keys word you used was she wasn't respecting MY home. Here's the rub, you might have paid for everything, but it was a home you were sharing with her! Therefore, you've you've surrendered it to being OUR home. And here another thing you're going to learn. You home isn't your home anymore when there's the two of you. Women pride themselves on making a house a home. And you really don't have too much of a say. If you think I'm wrong. Put up a 3 foot by 4 foot painting of an X-wing Fighter in the living room. When you meet the next girl and if you move in together, guess what is the first thing coming down. Why do you think that "Man Caves" are a thing? Because it is the only space in the house that is truly dedicated to a man. She can have the rest of the house, but that is YOUR space.

I agree with chi tien there were some controlling behaviours on ur end ever so subtle bUT just something to be aware of. Having said that I dint blame u for it because she had a bad tendency to spend money so u probably had no choice but to tak3 over the helm. The friends siphoning money off u i can see how that forced u to play ur hand. So in other words can't actually blame u for having to take over the helm.

Anyway for wat it worth its hard to let go and takes a good amount of time. I'm about 7 mths into our break up together 6 yrs and even tho the relationship wasnt working i too can never get how someone who spent so long wth u just goes so cold. I do believe it has something to do with the way they process there guilt in ending it.

I think in this case tho u were very loyal despite all the crap u had to put up wth from her end. I can relate. My ex also had a lot of baggage I put wth wich I wasn't al that happy wth yet in the end she leaves lol.

That's why me and u have to be strong. So in future we come out of it intact and make them regret there decision in the process.

She pulled the trigger in the end u stayed loyal despite the crap u had to put up wth. That's not fun someone spending 10 grand and having to put up wth that kind of negative behaviour. Ur better off without in time once uve healed it won't hurt anymore take yr lessons unravel the baggage and damage she may have left behind in u key 'in you' so u dont end up sabotaging the next relationship

Edited May 8, 2017 by Goodguy05

May 9, 2017

I am so sorry. She has so many problems, and they don't really have anything to do with you and your relationship didn't mean nothing to her. I actually can't even parse out how many issues she has, but you're probably right that they once upon a time originated from her family. I can't even imagine how cruel someone has to be to say oh, my daughter was unhappy for two weeks of a five year relationship so it shouldn't be blind siding that she broke the engagement. WHAT??

It sounds to me like her mother has some sort of personality disorder, and it's done a lot of serious damage to your ex starting from when she was a kid... she likely has people-pleasing tendencies as a learned coping mechanism to keep her mom from abusing her (please her mom, potentially keep the abuse at bay). Same for her "flight" tendencies (mom is upset, must run away from the abuse). And if she hasn't broken away from her mom's abuse and still is desperate to gain her love and approval, and her mom has been against the marriage (probably because if she gets married then her mom loses complete control over her daughter), then your ex sounds like she isn't at a point in her life that she can stand up for herself and choose you. This unfortunately means, you are dodging a bullet... even though that will be very hard to see for a long time. I'm not even touching on the fact that her parents are also alcoholics or anything about her dad... but you don't want a flight partner who doesn't choose you when the going gets tough. That's the most important time for someone to show up for you.

Her being mean may be for several reasons... maybe she has her own disorder at this point and devalues and discards people who she no longer "needs" (can happen with narcissism or borderline personality disorder)... maybe she does love you but couldn't handle not having her mother's approval and being mean to you is the only way she can both push you away and reinforce her own decision to herself... maybe you guys got together really, really young, and she's changing as a person and you're no longer compatible and she's handling it immaturely... maybe she only knows how to cope with complicated emotions through anger since it sounds like what she learned from watching her parents. I don't know which, if any of those things, it is. But if it is any of those things, they would all take YEARS and lots of work on her part to fix, which I doubt is going to happen anytime soon if ever. She is not going to be able to be a solid long-term partner to anyone without wanting to make some pretty significant changes, and you don't deserve to be dragged down with that and on the receiving end of abuse yourself. Please don't expect her to or wait for her to take control of her own life, because it's still a ways down the road. Even if she does come back to you any time in the next, say, year, it wouldn't have been enough time for her to get herself truly sorted and the same type of thing would just end up happening again.

Again, I'm so sorry because I can't even imagine how devastating it is for your fiancee to leave, and it's going to hurt for a long time, and there's really no way around that. Be kind to yourself, keep busy with family and friends, find some hobbies and healthy ways to channel the extra free time and negative emotion you're going to have, and try to get rid of all the reminders of her that you can. Please don't hurt yourself over this (not sure how serious your mom was about that). The good news is, you're young, and she's showing you who she is before you're married with kids, so you can bounce back at some point.

I'm sure this is just going to feel like a blur and will be hard to process in the coming weeks. Journal out here for some support if you need it.

-J

May 9, 2017

Also, don't be afraid to look into therapy to deal with this. It could be very helpful to help you process what happened and get you eventually out of shock and towards healing a little faster.

May 12, 2017

Hello everyone -

You can read the FULL STORY

HERE and HERE

I have recently rekindled the friendships that my ex & I pushed away. When we had a disagreement between and our friends, I was usually the one that started it. However, I did not go off the deep end like my ex would.

For example: our friend invited my ex to be a maid of honor (which she felt uncomfortble doing). I told my ex to not consider it if she felt uncomfortable especially when we hadn't spoke to that friend in months. My ex told the friend that it doesn't feel right to go the wedding. Then I learned my ex had dropped off all of the friends belongings into box and began hating this person.

I only "influenced" the wedding participation... nothing else.

Why did she fly off the deep end?

After rekindling the friendships with all of these people we pushed away, they all took my side. I discovered that my ex had reached out to ALL of the friends that we pushed away and said the EXACT same text to everyone (just replacing the disagreement we had). The text read:

"I would like to apologize for <event>. I let a man push me around. For the last couple years I had some decisions I am not proud of. I feel like I can finally be myself again."

All of the friends I talked to thought the text was odd & sudden, especially when my ex then didn't respond to them.

Not only were they shocked to hear what happened & how cruel my ex was to me, but they were SHOCKED to see what my ex has been doing since she left me. She is going out A LOT, drinking a lot with her co-workers (who are old and thought she disliked) and going on work trips (which she told me she didn't care for that much). She also COMPLETELY dropped out of school and told the school she needs to drop out due to broken engagement and moved out of my house. She told me she couldn't wait to finally get her degree and be the first in her family to do so... but after she dumped me, she quit all together and echoed what her parents have always told her about not going to school.

One of my mutual friends brought me up briefly in a conversation online and he told me she got immediately uptight when he said my name and she never said my name, only "him". JEEZ!

I still want her back, despite her flaws. Maybe it is because I am still living in the house we shared (just my name on it). I am still hoping that she will reach out to me and try to talk again, especially since we were together for 5yrs going to get married and everything was a milestone for us.

Do you think she will return, or do you think she is gone forever?

I'm having a REALLY rough time coping with all of this.

*Side note: All of the activites my ex is doing now mirror her mother's: drinking, work trips, etc.

My ex always told me that her mother was mean to her and she never wanted to be like her. She also told me she doesn't like drinking & bars because it is "not her scene" (all of our friends knew this too).

She is betraying everything she stood for... it's heartbreaking.

Edited May 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
3 threads merged ~6

May 12, 2017

Hello everyone -

You can read the FULL STORY
HERE and HERE

I have recently rekindled the friendships that my ex & I pushed away. When we had a disagreement between and our friends, I was usually the one that started it. However, I did not go off the deep end like my ex would.
For example: our friend invited my ex to be a maid of honor (which she felt uncomfortble doing). I told my ex to not consider it if she felt uncomfortable especially when we hadn't spoke to that friend in months. My ex told the friend that it doesn't feel right to go the wedding. Then I learned my ex had dropped off all of the friends belongings into box and began hating this person.

I only "influenced" the wedding participation... nothing else.
Why did she fly off the deep end?

After rekindling the friendships with all of these people we pushed away, they all took my side. I discovered that my ex had reached out to ALL of the friends that we pushed away and said the EXACT same text to everyone (just replacing the disagreement we had). The text read:

"I would like to apologize for <event>. I let a man push me around. For the last couple years I had some decisions I am not proud of. I feel like I can finally be myself again."

All of the friends I talked to thought the text was odd & sudden, especially when my ex then didn't respond to them.

Not only were they shocked to hear what happened & how cruel my ex was to me, but they were SHOCKED to see what my ex has been doing since she left me. She is going out A LOT, drinking a lot with her co-workers (who are old and thought she disliked) and going on work trips (which she told me she didn't care for that much). She also COMPLETELY dropped out of school and told the school she needs to drop out due to broken engagement and moved out of my house. She told me she couldn't wait to finally get her degree and be the first in her family to do so... but after she dumped me, she quit all together and echoed what her parents have always told her about not going to school.

One of my mutual friends brought me up briefly in a conversation online and he told me she got immediately uptight when he said my name and she never said my name, only "him". JEEZ!

I still want her back, despite her flaws. Maybe it is because I am still living in the house we shared (just my name on it). I am still hoping that she will reach out to me and try to talk again, especially since we were together for 5yrs going to get married and everything was a milestone for us.

Do you think she will return, or do you think she is gone forever?

I'm having a REALLY rough time coping with all of this.

*Side note: All of the activites my ex is doing now mirror her mother's: drinking, work trips, etc.
My ex always told me that her mother was mean to her and she never wanted to be like her. She also told me she doesn't like drinking & bars because it is "not her scene" (all of our friends knew this too).

She is betraying everything she stood for... it's heartbreaking.

All of this that you wrote? Not your problem anymore. If she wants to let her life implode, that's her business. You can't control that.

So, the only thing you can control is you! You need to start living your life as if she isn't coming back, because chances are she's not. If she's talking smack about you, then that's normal. She needs to demonize you in her head to justify her walking away.

So, work on you. Go No Contact on her and start making positive changes in your life.

May 12, 2017

Wow.. this is long.

Spark notes?

May 12, 2017

All of this that you wrote? Not your problem anymore. If she wants to let her life implode, that's her business. You can't control that.

So, the only thing you can control is you! You need to start living your life as if she isn't coming back, because chances are she's not. If she's talking smack about you, then that's normal. She needs to demonize you in her head to justify her walking away.

So, work on you. Go No Contact on her and start making positive changes in your life.

Very much agree.

OP, you'll find if you look around on these forums that an ex going off the rails is not so unusual after a break-up. But it's out of your hands. You shouldn't even be privy to all of this information about her, simply because it keeps your focus on her rather than yourself.

I also agree with the above advice to live as though this is over for good. The alternative will only keep you stuck and in pain much longer.

May 13, 2017

It looks like your threads got merged, so you may have missed my earlier reply, but there's nothing healthy about this relationship for you right now. I listed several possible issues and reasons she may be acting this way. The other posters are giving good advice to completely let go and move on. Thinking that she will return, and asking if she can, are not the right questions when this woman has shown you who she really is and been so cruel to you. You can't fix her deep issues. She doesn't want to fix anything. A therapist can help you with why you'd want to continue trying to work through a situation like this, which contained major red flags for a long time. You deserve better.

May 15, 2017

Thank you everyone - I am steadily starting to feel better... I am considering taking anti-depressants to cope with the tough morning sadness.

I guess I am still in shock, as is everyone, that she can just throw away all of our 6yrs of history from her mind & FB so quickly. Not to mention becoming her parents slave. I know it is not my concern that she is choosing to have her life implode, but I still feel pity & sorry for her.... especially since I cared for her for a long time and still do. I know how excited she was to pursue her dream career of becoming a teacher and leave the job she hated (where she still currently is). But now she is trapped.

May 15, 2017

Thank you everyone - I am steadily starting to feel better... I am considering taking anti-depressants to cope with the tough morning sadness.

I guess I am still in shock, as is everyone, that she can just throw away all of our 6yrs of history from her mind & FB so quickly. Not to mention becoming her parents slave. I know it is not my concern that she is choosing to have her life implode, but I still feel pity & sorry for her.... especially since I cared for her for a long time and still do. I know how excited she was to pursue her dream career of becoming a teacher and leave the job she hated (where she still currently is). But now she is trapped.

Are you sure you want to take pills in order to deal with this? I had the same urge when my world collapsed, but I am glad I didn't. If you haven't used them before, you may want to skip them this time too. They can help, but they may also cause some new issues. Besides the obvious (a risk of addiction), you may just temporarily suppress your pain instead of living through it and leaving it behind.

Ex-Fiance of 5yrs Left Me - Feeling Heartbroken & Guilty

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