Jump to content

I left him because he was lazy, he makes me feel guilty


Recommended Posts

Christine25

I have been in a relationship with this man for almost 10 months. I am 28, he is 30. Since I met him, he invested a lot of time in our relationship, he made me feel appreciated and loved. I observed he had a lot of free time, but he told me that he was working online with some foreign clients as a freelancer, so that gives him a flexible program. I trusted him, since I too have a flexible program, although a alot of work to do. I found out after a few months that he was actually taking a break from working, he shut down his online account, and now he was relaxing for a while. I am a teaching and research assistant with an ongoing Phd. I also do a lot of chores at home. I know how necessary a vacation is from time to time. Even a longer one. But I found it strange as time went by and he wasn't very keen on applying for some jobs or starting something on his own (as he was promissing to me). I gave him materials to read (for his business intention), I offerred to help him with his CV, and offered my full moral support. But time went by and he was actually pretty relaxed, watching movies, going to the gym and taking care of his car all day. I found out that he wasn't very stressed about not earning money because a former client was still sending him money as a "good deed". He was a very good person who wanted to help someone in need. So my man, the one "in need" was receiving money for clothes, food and his car monthly. I don't think that the client realized that he was sending kind of a salary here, and not only money for a pair of boots or a coat. He even tried convincing him to buy him a Playstation at a moment. I found all of this disturbing and I told him, but he didn't find it so bad since he was not begging, he was just suggesting.. also he was playing the sympathy card.. he was left by his father and no one cared for him when he was little (although him mom is a pretty strong woman who took care as good as she could of him). He also had a history of receiving gifts and services from his ex-girlfriend who was rich and tried to keep him next to her for 5-6 years. He tried doing the same thing with me in the beginning, eating at my place without paying for groceries, taking my car to save gas, borrowing money and postponing returning them even though he would invest in his car, forgeting his wallet when going out..I told him it is bothering me a lot, so we went from that to splitting everything (which worked for me)

Now he was offered the opportunity to join some friends in a business, but it took him around two months only to find out what forms he needs to fill in in order to start a small firm. He insists that he is excited and he is finally going to work and show me that all my waiting was not in vain. Problem is that after 10 months of seeing him avoiding working and taking responsability.. I doubt I can relate to his mentality.. it's not only the worries for the future because he was not working. I told him all this and he says he can change, I only have to wait a bit more, but it's the fact that I came to see him very immature and different from me. A job will not change that, and I can only base my decision on what happened, not on what could be

Link to post
Share on other sites
Telemachus

You two aren't a match. That's how most relationships are - they run their course.

 

What is very odd is the title of your posting. It says that you left him, but nothing in the posting indicates that. "I have been in a relationship..." indicates that it's ongoing, as does the rest of the posting. Whether you realize it or not, you haven't fully left him. You're still a couple in some ways.

 

Secondly, the title says that he's lazy. He isn't - he uses his energy scamming, playing video games, etc. He's just as motivated and active as you are, just not in a productive way. He's not lazy at all - simply not someone that most of us, you included, would want to support with our own labor.

 

Finally, the title says that he makes you feel guilty. He doesn't. Feelings of guilt can only come from within you. He may want you to feel guilt, but you won't ever feel guilt without your full consent. Feelings aren't like the physical sensation of pain that can be caused by another person's blunt force. Feelings come only from within, and guilt is one of those feelings.

 

It wasn't a good relationship, and it's over. What you need to look at is your assessment of the situation, which is pretty far off the mark. You need to do this so you don't find yourself continuing this relationship or others that are bad for you.

 

What went wrong here is that you ignored warning signs and let it go on for too long.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Christine25

Thank you, this is an interesting point of view and the remarks you made about the title are justified...

Yes.. I talked about the relationship as it is still going because I chaos to put an end to it, while he agreed onlu with a break during which he would show me that he can change and come back as a more responsible man.

At the same time, he makes me feel guilty when he says that if i loved him more I wouldn't have chosen to leave him for such a reason, and that he wouldn't judge me if it was the other way around. But that's what I 'm trying to do... I'm not judging anymore, but he shouldn't ask me to to accept a behavior that is against my principles in the name of love

Link to post
Share on other sites

When you choose to stop seeing someone there is no agreeing or disagreeing on the other end. You made a choice and it sounds like you let him talk you into a " break". A break may work in a marriage but nothing else. You're either still together in the relationship with everything that goes with that, or you're broken up. If you make a decision, stick to it or else you leave things in limbo and the relationship is no longer defined with a "break"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like he has a sugar daddy and used to have a sugar momma. Doesn't sound like a good match for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He sounds very manipulative. "If you loved me, then you'd... do something different that I want you to do" shows no respect for you. He sounds like he treats others in his life in a manipulative way as well, to support his laziness about providing for himself. Don't fall for it.

 

If he's going to change, he has to do it for himself because he wants to. The changes won't stick long term if he's claiming he's changing for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...