She wants me? She wants me not?

[Israeliheartbreak123]

I am a 24-year-old male, in my last year of university. I am intelligent, kind, handsome, friendly etc. I have it all and I have been really blessed in my life.

 

I began seeing a girl who is 20 years old, she was my best friend, and had just gotten out of two really terrible relationships before me, jumping from one to the other.

 

In December of this past year I fell for her hard. I wasn’t looking for it, I had just gotten out of a really serious 3-year relationship a few months prior, it was the farthest thing from my mind at the time. She was in a relationship at the time with an abusive guy. I held her hand through the end of her relationship, through the break up and then through the fallout that followed. He was vile to her and treated her terribly. The night it ended I was there and he was losing it. In a way, I saved her. We spent that night together with a shared trauma and very much supporting each other.

 

Following their break up, we found ourselves together, there was always an attraction and that had now exploded into something more. I tried to slow things down because I knew she was in a terrible head space but she pushed. She needed affection, she needed love and she needed reaffirmation. Me being the nice guy that I am gave it to her, all of it, and I let her set the pace because I was afraid of how delicate she was at the time. We went into a place of pure bliss, we were happy, but something was off, I felt it, I ignored several signs which I will discuss below.

 

We first kept things on the down low (for the first month) as her ex was still in town and she didn’t want any drama, I understood that after the things I had seen first-hand. But after a time, I would say around end of February I began to get frustrated. The ex-boyfriend was long gone and I was still a secret from most people. We were happy together but she was texting other guys in an inappropriate way, not crossing lines but definitely not acting as if she had a significant other and it didn’t matter what I said or did she wouldn’t stop. We fought a good bit and I saw at the time that she clearly didn’t want a boyfriend, she was afraid of the commitment and she wanted to spread her wings and have fun after what had happened to her. These other guys, they were exciting to her, she began to take me for granted and I, giving her the benefit of the doubt, and the love that we shared, kept giving her chance after chance after chance. But the behavior didn’t change and the fights got worse.

 

About a month ago I went to Bucharest for a work conference, we were talking about moving in together at that point, she had my parents and I was supposed to meet hers the following week. I was still placing pressure and upset about being a secret, feeling like I was more emotionally and actually committed then her (I had pushed off graduate school for her when she gave me an ultimatum), and just generally feeling disrespected and like I didn’t matter. I came back and she sat me down, she said she no longer wanted this to be the focus of her life anymore, she wanted to take a step back from this. She progressed over a period a week from not wanting this to be the focus to her leaving me, ‘technically single’ as she called it the night before spring break on the coast (even though her heart was still mine and she promised me of her accord that she didn’t want to be with anyone else), but little did I know there was another guy, they hooked up on Spring Break and she posted it all over social media for me to see. I shouldn’t have been in shock, but I was totally blown away. She had created a situation in which I was addicted to her emotionally, I didn’t just love her, my brain told me I needed her, and losing her was me going into withdrawal. They became a thing rather quickly, I in my anger said some stupid things and I cut her out of my life when I realized I wasn’t getting straight answers and that she wasn’t coming back.

 

Fast forward three weeks, the awkwardness of shared class’s, total radio silence, and me ignoring her existence is palatable for both of us. I finally feel like things are starting to look up, I had been in a terrible place for weeks and was finally getting my **** together again. I am in therapy, I am looking into meditation, surrounding myself with friends and loved ones. She had sent me a nasty message here and there, very vindictive and bitter. Trying to vilify me for her behavior to make the whole thing more bearable and to justify herself. I for some reason, get the idea into my head that I have things I want to say to her, I still love and care about her mind you but that overriding emotional pull to message her and call and beg isn’t their anymore. I unblock her and we decide to meet at her place.

 

So yesterday, about a month and a bit after we ended, a week or two since they have been together, we sat down for two and half hours at hers and spoke. I knew beforehand she regretted what she did and I knew from the crying phone calls she made to me following spring break she was sorry for hurting me. I also knew deep down she wanted me back.

 

In a cool and collected voice, I said everything I needed to say. Explaining to her what I did wrong, what she did wrong, emphasizing how disgusting it was, the lack of empathy, respect and love. I still love her mind you, so I felt like not only did we need to discuss that but we talked about other things as well. I told her she needs to deal with her traumas and issues from the past. She agreed to all of it.

 

She didn’t just agree but she said regretted her actions, would take them back if she could and that she loved me. She realized you don’t know what you have till it is gone. She likes the guy she is with and is falling for him but it’s not the same. She tried to replace me, and failed. And now this guy was pulling the same crap she pulled on me. She said everything with such conviction and emotion that I truly believe she was telling me the truth. We ended up cuddling, hooking up etc. we were back to being us, even if only for a moment. It just felt right, the love and caring is there and it was extremely validating to know what we had was real and to hear all of those things.

 

I made it very clear to her that I was not waiting around, nor will I be used or treated the same way by anyone else ever again, I am not a doormat and I deserve better. After that I left, with the hope deep down that we would revisit this in a few months when she got her **** together. Later that night she calls me, she’s a mess, she’s hasn’t the slightest clue what she wants or whom she wants to be with. She asks for space but she’s not really allowing the space to exist. So, that brings me here, typing this, confused, alone, heartbroken, but relatively okay. For some strange reason, I am still hopeful, any advice would be appreciated.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear how this went. You got drawn in and supported her but she was not in a place for a committed relationship and then she started taking you for granted.

 

She undoubtedly misses you. You have been her rock for a while. In a way, you were unfortunate in that you got emotionally involved with her at exactly the wrong time. She still sounds a mess and needs to sort her head out before getting involved with anyone. In a way, she knew that by wanting to be 'technically single'. She knew she wasn't in the right place for anything but a bit of comfort and fun company, whereas you are ready for more.

 

It's still too soon for her to know what she wants, hence her reverting to talking about space. I would wager she feels very pressured. The meeting you had with her sounds a bit like you were trying to get her to behave better. She obviously was not going to do that while she was with you or is likely to do it yet. If you still want this girl, I think you need to stop blaming her in your mind (however justified) and just leave her to develop some sense of equilibrium and maturity. Because this will take time, it is better for you to move on and date other women. Don't expect what you need from this girl. You are at a different stage emotionally and she is going to fail. What's more, she knows she will fail to meet your very clear expectations, so you either have to stop expecting and move on or to stop expecting and wait until she is on the same page. There are no guarantees.

[preraph]

I'm sorry. I think what you have there is someone who's a bit lost and doesn't know what she wants. It's not surprising she attracted a man who abused her, because she doesn't know who she is or what she wants except at the moment and is impulsive, very impulsive. I'm guessing she probably doesn't also have very good boundaries to filter out people with and doesn't have any standards she holds a person to. So she's adrift.

 

But most 20-year-old people ARE adrift and ARE impulsive and are constantly changing, constantly exploring and growing, and that's what they should be doing now for the next few years. Her brain is not fully formed until she is around age 25, so she can't even predict the consequences of her actions yet, just like a careless teenager.

 

All she knows now is she wants to be free, so I think that's all you need to know. She's not mature enough to be ready to settle down. I'm sorry. I'm sure someone else will be very happy to find you, though.

[Ronni_W]

Following their break up, we found ourselves together, there was always an attraction and that had now exploded into something more. I tried to slow things down because I knew she was in a terrible head space but she pushed. She needed affection, she needed love and she needed reaffirmation. Me being the nice guy that I am gave it to her, all of it, and I let her set the pace because I was afraid of how delicate she was at the time. We went into a place of pure bliss <snip>

 

We fought a good bit and I saw at the time that she clearly didn’t want a boyfriend, <snip> kept giving her chance after chance after chance.

 

I was still placing pressure and upset about being a secret, feeling like I was more emotionally and actually committed then her <snip>. She had created a situation in which I was addicted to her emotionally, I didn’t just love her, my brain told me I needed her,

 

It just felt right, the love and caring is there and it was extremely validating to know what we had was real and to hear all of those things.

Sorry, but I'm not seeing the part where you take responsibility for your own feelings and actions, and for getting emotionally involved and putting pressure on her...even though you all along knew that she was "in a terrible head space" and, at whatever point, "clearly didn't want a boyfriend".

 

You basically took advantage of "how delicate she was a the time" to satisfy your own need to feel "validated" and like a 'knight in shining armour' and so that you could live up to your own self-image of "being the nice guy".

 

You ending up feeling "emotionally addicted" to the situation and being "more emotionally and actually committed than her" was of your own free-will doing; you liked how the entire situation made you feel ("nice guy" and "rescuer"). All of that is entirely on you.

 

Right from the beginning you knew that she was emotionally vulnerable yet you nevertheless made your own decision and choice to not take the proper precautions to protect your own heart, which you had all the signs and evidence to know that you should have done; yet you ignored it all. You can't blame her; you are the one who put your own emotional self in harm's way by taking this risk.

[Goodguy05]

I am a 24-year-old male, in my last year of university. I am intelligent, kind, handsome, friendly etc. I have it all and I have been really blessed in my life.

 

I began seeing a girl who is 20 years old, she was my best friend, and had just gotten out of two really terrible relationships before me, jumping from one to the other.

 

In December of this past year I fell for her hard. I wasn’t looking for it, I had just gotten out of a really serious 3-year relationship a few months prior, it was the farthest thing from my mind at the time. She was in a relationship at the time with an abusive guy. I held her hand through the end of her relationship, through the break up and then through the fallout that followed. He was vile to her and treated her terribly. The night it ended I was there and he was losing it. In a way, I saved her. We spent that night together with a shared trauma and very much supporting each other.

 

Following their break up, we found ourselves together, there was always an attraction and that had now exploded into something more. I tried to slow things down because I knew she was in a terrible head space but she pushed. She needed affection, she needed love and she needed reaffirmation. Me being the nice guy that I am gave it to her, all of it, and I let her set the pace because I was afraid of how delicate she was at the time. We went into a place of pure bliss, we were happy, but something was off, I felt it, I ignored several signs which I will discuss below.

 

We first kept things on the down low (for the first month) as her ex was still in town and she didn’t want any drama, I understood that after the things I had seen first-hand. But after a time, I would say around end of February I began to get frustrated. The ex-boyfriend was long gone and I was still a secret from most people. We were happy together but she was texting other guys in an inappropriate way, not crossing lines but definitely not acting as if she had a significant other and it didn’t matter what I said or did she wouldn’t stop. We fought a good bit and I saw at the time that she clearly didn’t want a boyfriend, she was afraid of the commitment and she wanted to spread her wings and have fun after what had happened to her. These other guys, they were exciting to her, she began to take me for granted and I, giving her the benefit of the doubt, and the love that we shared, kept giving her chance after chance after chance. But the behavior didn’t change and the fights got worse.

 

About a month ago I went to Bucharest for a work conference, we were talking about moving in together at that point, she had my parents and I was supposed to meet hers the following week. I was still placing pressure and upset about being a secret, feeling like I was more emotionally and actually committed then her (I had pushed off graduate school for her when she gave me an ultimatum), and just generally feeling disrespected and like I didn’t matter. I came back and she sat me down, she said she no longer wanted this to be the focus of her life anymore, she wanted to take a step back from this. She progressed over a period a week from not wanting this to be the focus to her leaving me, ‘technically single’ as she called it the night before spring break on the coast (even though her heart was still mine and she promised me of her accord that she didn’t want to be with anyone else), but little did I know there was another guy, they hooked up on Spring Break and she posted it all over social media for me to see. I shouldn’t have been in shock, but I was totally blown away. She had created a situation in which I was addicted to her emotionally, I didn’t just love her, my brain told me I needed her, and losing her was me going into withdrawal. They became a thing rather quickly, I in my anger said some stupid things and I cut her out of my life when I realized I wasn’t getting straight answers and that she wasn’t coming back.

 

Fast forward three weeks, the awkwardness of shared class’s, total radio silence, and me ignoring her existence is palatable for both of us. I finally feel like things are starting to look up, I had been in a terrible place for weeks and was finally getting my **** together again. I am in therapy, I am looking into meditation, surrounding myself with friends and loved ones. She had sent me a nasty message here and there, very vindictive and bitter. Trying to vilify me for her behavior to make the whole thing more bearable and to justify herself. I for some reason, get the idea into my head that I have things I want to say to her, I still love and care about her mind you but that overriding emotional pull to message her and call and beg isn’t their anymore. I unblock her and we decide to meet at her place.

 

So yesterday, about a month and a bit after we ended, a week or two since they have been together, we sat down for two and half hours at hers and spoke. I knew beforehand she regretted what she did and I knew from the crying phone calls she made to me following spring break she was sorry for hurting me. I also knew deep down she wanted me back.

 

In a cool and collected voice, I said everything I needed to say. Explaining to her what I did wrong, what she did wrong, emphasizing how disgusting it was, the lack of empathy, respect and love. I still love her mind you, so I felt like not only did we need to discuss that but we talked about other things as well. I told her she needs to deal with her traumas and issues from the past. She agreed to all of it.

 

She didn’t just agree but she said regretted her actions, would take them back if she could and that she loved me. She realized you don’t know what you have till it is gone. She likes the guy she is with and is falling for him but it’s not the same. She tried to replace me, and failed. And now this guy was pulling the same crap she pulled on me. She said everything with such conviction and emotion that I truly believe she was telling me the truth. We ended up cuddling, hooking up etc. we were back to being us, even if only for a moment. It just felt right, the love and caring is there and it was extremely validating to know what we had was real and to hear all of those things.

 

I made it very clear to her that I was not waiting around, nor will I be used or treated the same way by anyone else ever again, I am not a doormat and I deserve better. After that I left, with the hope deep down that we would revisit this in a few months when she got her **** together. Later that night she calls me, she’s a mess, she’s hasn’t the slightest clue what she wants or whom she wants to be with. She asks for space but she’s not really allowing the space to exist. So, that brings me here, typing this, confused, alone, heartbroken, but relatively okay. For some strange reason, I am still hopeful, any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

She's not ready for a relationship dude and she finds validation in men. Walk timing is wrong and she's not a woman who can be alone. Meaning it's just gonna be more problems and heartbreak for u. She's weak not strong. I know it sux but your better off without this one. Too much baggage she's not willing to deal with. If she was she wouldn't be confused about 2 dudes.unfortunately it looks like you had a good connection but she's not sensible like you. Trust me walk. She dosent know what she wants. You stay you build a bond that's harder to break and she leaves again you'll be worse off and regretting you stayed. She's not gonna fine her peace in another man more so she's gonna repeat the same mistake Let her continue her life and turmoil and stop feeling you have to rescue her you don't owe her anything.

Edited April 30, 2017 by Goodguy05

[fromheart]

The only thing you've done wrong is to not stamp down on her bad behavior from the start.

 

She's not relationship material and is need of therapy. You can't get intimate with women like this. Sympathize when someone says they've been abused and there is not justification for it. But those who have been abused often become the abuser, until they get help for what they've been through.

 

She has done you wrong and instead of sitting down with her for long, deep talks, you need to tell her that she's been an abusive person and she needs to get help.

 

Have a think about why you want her back after her behavior towards you. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

 

Tell her to get therapy and go NC. Walk on and get yourself someone more stable.