Why do people change?

[Taticake]

I really love him, and if it were up to me, I would've stay. But because he is the one who doesn't want to feel trapped, we broke up. We lived together for 6 months already and have gone through a lot of ups and downs in our 1 and a half year relationship. We've gotten through insecurities and doubts, through abortion, through happy moments together, things that a normal relationship go through.

 

He told me that he sees me as his wife in the future and that he does have plans of starting a family with me. He even told me "right after we both graduate from college, we can make a baby again and I will marry you and we can have a family. He told me this 2 weeks before we broke up.

 

Why did we break up? He says our relationship was amazing, that he fell more and more in love with me everyday. He says I'm really caring, funny, loving, kind everything he looked for in a girl. But he said that he didn't want his first relationship to be his last relationship. He told me that although this dad love his mother a lot, his dad kinda regrets only being with his mother for the rest of his life. Well his dad is his mentor and someone he's always looked up to so he decided to take his dad's words and was starting to have second thoughts about our relationship. He said that although he was really happy being with me everyday, he felt trapped. He told me that he wanted to see other people (not just have sex with them) but also get into other relationships. I just don't get it, if you love me, why would you even think about starting a new relationship with another person?

 

He says as we were approaching the 2 year mark, he was afraid that I would be the only one he'll ever be with. He wanted to have just more than 1 girlfriends. He's told me this before and I always begged him to come back and he would always give our relationship another shot. But this time, he was for real, he told me that he cheated on me....with a hooker. He told me that I needed to know and that he's a scumbag and that I shouldn't be with him. He said he felt dirty.

 

He told me that he didn't even like it, there was no connection involved during the sex. So why'd he do it? Well he said that he wanted to make an excuse to break up for real this time. He knew that the only way i would let him go is for me to hate him.

 

For some reason, I'm not as mad as I should be. I mean I was mad in the beginning, when he told me, I called him and screamed at him in the phone "how could you?!?!?!" He kept telling me sorry over and over again but I was just feeling betrayed. But somehow I just want him back. He told me the sex with the hooker was nowhere on the same level as sex with me. I think if he had sex with someone he actually knew and had a connection with I would be more upset.

 

Anyways, right after we broke up I cried for 3 days, kept begging him to come back to me and kept trying to reason with him. But he says we are not getting back together because he feels trapped. He says that he still loves me and will always love me but he wants to experience more. He says he wants to date other people to fully appreciate our relationship and how amazing we are. Because he doesn't know what's out there and if our relationship was really what he wanted or not.

 

I stopped talking to him on the fourth day. I was feeling better. I was ready to move on, although I did miss him a bit. He texted me back saying that he always gets the urge to talk to me but he wants to move on. So he blocked me. He blocked me on all forms of social media and on his phone as well. The message he sent before blocking me was "goodbye my love, I love you but I want to move on".

 

So the next day I wanted to get out the house, get some fresh air and forget about the bad things, and then I went to work. I worked from 6pm to midnight and when I got off I checked my text and noticed that he had unblocked me and told me to check my email. I noticed that he had wrote a very long letter about how he loves me but how he can't be with me. As soon as I read the entire thing I called him and it was relieving to hear his voice. He told me that he kept thinking about me during the time that we had no contact. Since our workplace was across the street, all he could do was just stare and wonder if I had gone to work yet and wondering if I was working there. He said he was depressed and wanted to die that day.

 

You would think he wants to get back together, but no....he still is sticking with his decision that he wants to date other people. He says he still wants to stay in contact with me and still wants to talk to me. I was so disappointed but at the same time I thought in my mind at least he missed me and there's a possibility we could still get back together. But he told me that he'll tell me when he gets a new girlfriend so that I can move on. Wtf....

 

So basically he can talk to other people and I can talk to other people as well.

 

I'm a little annoyed at him but here's the thing. He's talking to this girl who was his middle school crush who he has on Instagram. He dm her and they started talking about the old times. He asked her out to this restaurant that we used to go to and told her the food is really good there. She agrees and says just tell me what time and let her know!! He told me this and I was ok with it, he was now my friend and I'm happy that he's talking to someone. But the girl didn't even reply to him for like 3 days about when she wants to see him.

 

Suddenly he saw on one of his posts that I had commented that "we were so happy together that day and then you broke up with me the next day" that comment was written before I even knew she was talking to that girl. He blames it on my that my comment was why she didn't reply to him for 3 whole days. I got really mad because he cared that much about a girl he barely even knew, who he had a crush on in 4th grade but never saw her again after that. He was just being a total dick to me. Like he blames it on me for a dumb fgirl who didn't really care about replying to him.

 

We've been together for 1 and a half year and I've always been by his side. I am loyal. I took care of him when he threw up and passed out drunk. I was by his side in the hospital even calling my work to tell them that I would be late because my boyfriend is in the hospital. I would give him back massages with my elbows which he really likes, even though it was really difficult and tiring to get to every spot. I cook, wash all the dishes for him and I went to several checkups with him at the hospital because he has GERD. I always took care of him. He's like a grown up kid.

 

Yet he doesn't appreciate me. He blames me for why the girl didn't reply back. I wanted to cry.

[Telemachus]

The act of giving is the joy itself. It isn't the appreciation you receive in return that should matter.

 

If you don't want to do things for him, then don't. That's a perfectly appropriate choice. He's an adult, not related to you by blood or marriage, and responsible for his own actions.

 

If giving to, or doing for, him doesn't bring you joy, and you're in it for the appreciation you get back, then stop doing it. He isn't going to make any greater expression of appreciation in the future than he has already.

 

We get zero appreciation for all that we do for a newborn infant or an elderly adult suffering from dementia at the end of life. We do it because we love them. It isn't for appreciation, because there is none.

 

Expecting your ex-boyfriend to change is misguided. It's not his bad actions that bring you unhappiness - they're predictable at this point. What brings you unhappiness is your unrealistic expectations. You can change either your expectations or your actions anytime you choose.

[Taticake]

I wasn't really doing things to expect something back in return. I just didn't want him to hurt me in several ways. And I do things out of love. I really like doing these things for him and I've always been a loving and caring person.

Edited April 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry about all the tragedy you have been through. Here's the thing though -- you are allowing him to treat you this way because you naively believe the lies he is telling you.

 

 

He broke up with you because he recognized that you are young & forever is a long time. He wants to sow wild oats with other women but is dangling the possibility of a future with you to keep you around. You are his back up plan. His plan is to get with a lot of women & try to find somebody he likes better than you. Only if he fails at that objective will he come back to loyal you who is so sweet you will accept this second class status. he will only be with you because he couldn't get anybody better. Do you really think so little of yourself? More importantly are you really going to put your life on hold while he plays around & are you going to sit there watching him build the life you want with somebody else? Have more self respect than this.

 

 

The only healthy thing for you to do is cut him out of your life. Block him on all social media & stop waiting for this reconciliation that is not likely to happen. You have to assume he won't come back & act accordingly. If he does and you are free and you still want him (hopefully those last 2 won't be true when he finally pulls his head out of his behind), fine get back together but for the next two years you need to be concentrating on finding a more fulfilling relationship with a man who thinks you are the best ever, not the consolation prize.

[preraph]

It sounds like you guys are pretty young, but correct me if I'm wrong. He just isn't ready for commitment. He was playing house with you and trying to convince himself, but truth is he wants to check out other women and his old crush, and wants to be free. He's just not ready.

 

I'm glad he broke up before you had a baby because as a couple you are obviously not ready for that. Most guys panic at the thought of only being with one woman forever, and the younger they are the more urgent that panic is. If they have their freedom, some of them get over it by their 30s and the new wore off of mindless variety sex, while others get into the variety habit and never stop and always cheat.

 

There's no options here but to let him go because he's not ready. Sorry.

 

Date other people and just stay busy. Try to just have a good time and NOT move in with any more guys unless they are clearly ready to marry you and stay married and over playing the field.

[Taticake]

I'm the dumpee in this situation and he the dumper. My ex and I were together for 1 and a half years. The reason why we split was because this is his first relationship and although he fell in love with me deep and found me to be an amazing girlfriend who he can see marrying, he has this feeling like he has nothing to compare me to. That there could be better potential life partners out there. He told me that he thinks we are compatible for each other and that his guts tell him yes to marrying me. It's just that we met in the wrong place and the wrong time. If we met when we both gone through different relationships and got our crap together then he would consider marriage and being with me for the rest of my life.

 

Several times he has tried to push me away from his life but he always coming back, but not making amends with me. I remember the other day he told me that I should move on and that he will force himself to move on from me by talking to more girls. I cried and cried that day and started begging him back through the phone. He told me "this is hard to do, but I'll have to block you...I still love you and harbor so much feelings for you but I'll never be able to get over you if I don't."

 

I was blocked for an entire day before he unblocked me again and told me he misses me and kept staring into my workplace wondering if I was at work that day. He wrote me a long email telling me about how much he can't forget about me, but he'll try to forget and move on anyways. But at the end of the day, he unblocked me and we started contacting a lot.

 

We still see each other and the love and passion is still there. I had sex with him 3 times the other day in his house, all in the span of 3 hours. Yesterday I had sex with him for 2 times. He told me he still misses me a lot but he knows for sure that he wants to still get into other relationships and see what's right. He told me we might cross paths in the future if it's meant to be. (He didn't tell me to come over his house, it was my choice to come over and we just ended up having sex).

 

The day we had sex 3 times, he took me to this Mexican bakery we had on our first dates together and had pan con queso and it brought back so many memories. After that, we went out drinking and getting dinner at a fancy restaurant in downtown LA. This feels so much like a date because he kept holding my hands and pulling me closer and I kept kissing him but we both agreed that this was just a hangout, as weird as that sounds. He payed for our $160 tab anyways.

 

Well yesterday, we got into a fight about how much I wanted him to be with me again and I begged and begged but he says he couldn't and that we're not even supposed to talk to each other even though it's hard. I called him and he sounded like he was crying over the phone. At the end, he says "I'm blocking you for sure this time. I love you."

 

I'm not even going to cry over it anymore, I keep thinking if he still loves me and and it's meant to be then he'll unblock me and somehow come back into my life. If not, then maybe it wasn't meant to be.

 

Many people that I know talk a lot of **** to him for his decision but I totally understand what he meant. My ex is a complicated human being with complicated thoughts. Whereas I'm more of a black and white person, he thinks more in grays. I told him that he's simply just experiencing the Grass is Greeneer syndrome but he told me that he's willing to try out other grasses to get a better understanding of relationships and to fully appreciate me more than he does when we were together.

[Robert]

moderator bump

[basil67]

Taticake, what this man is doing to you is beyond toxic. This thing about telling you he needs to see others and then coming straight back to you is a supreme act of selfishness.

 

Have you ever torn strips off him for treating you like this? Have you told him how much damage his selfishness causes you? Because I think you need to do this in order to move on.

 

All that said, if you want him back, you're doing totally the wrong thing. You're not giving him a chance to miss you. Here he is treating you like a plaything and still getting the rewards or your sex and company. If he truly does care about you as much as he says, then use that to your advantage. Tell him that you are going to block him on all platforms so that you can move on, but also say that he can contact you only if he wants to get back together. If he complains that it will be too hard, then remind him that he can speak to you, but you have to be his girlfriend for it to happen.

 

Draw a line in the sand and stick to it.

[d0nnivain]

You probably do still love him & you are heartbroken but he doesn't love you, at least not enough. He doesn't want to hurt you & be the bad guy but he wanted out of this relationship & he walked away.

 

 

You have to accept that & you have to move on.

 

 

When we talked about this in your other thread about whether he will come back & I told you about my college roommate, once her BF did this to her, she cut him out of her life. She dated other men. She got a new job. She moved to another state. She was forced to see him at holidays because they grew up on the same street & their whole families were friends. When he finally did want to come back she didn't welcome him with open arms. She made him prove he wasn't going anywhere. They had a LOT of talks, discussions & fights. For a long time she didn't trust him at first.

 

 

You have to accept he's gone & live your life as though he's not coming back.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this is not love. Maybe for you, but not for him.

 

A man who truly loves you doesn't break up with you to date other women. He's not complicated, you're just holding on to hope that he isn't playing with you. But he is, in a significant way. Perhaps you don't yet have years and experience on your side to see it, but this isn't the way a man in love behaves. He's telling you what you want to hear so you'll wait around for him.

 

Stop seeing him and stop giving him sex, girl. He's already told you he's going to see other girls, and that will crush you when you learn that he's done exactly that.

 

You need to have much stronger boundaries and you need to stop letting him use you for attention and sex. It's not right and it will only serve to hurt you further. You deserve a man who sincerely loves you enough to not risk losing you by going off to see if there's a better option. This guy just doesn't.

[Taticake]

Once upon a time, my ex boyfriend was in love with me. He still claims to love me now, but he says he wants to experience more relationships.

 

I don't want to sound cocky but I really try my best to be the best girlfriend to him. I don't complain, I don't really get jealous, I give him elbow back rubs whenever he is tired from work, and he really likes it because I work really hard on giving him a massage. I took care of him when he was drunk and had alcohol poisoning. I'm good at sucking his dick, and we pretty much had sex every single day 2 times a day on average (when we were living together) and everytime he would cum first but I don't complain. Now, I may not be the best cook there is, but I can make certain dishes that he really likes and I always wash the dishes and clean up after him. He also has a condition called GERD and I've skipped work just to be with him in the hospital with him a few days after his birthday.

 

He would always take me to places and we would have a lot of fun together. We had so many memories together BUT he decided to throw it all away.

 

I remember when we were at a New Years Eve party at his friends house and his brother told me that "I'm really glad that you're my brother's girlfriend because I can see how much you love him and care for him."

 

Even his parents like me. Because I take care of his son a lot.

 

I know I can be clingy sometimes because I get shy around people who are his friends and I always have to follow him around like a lost puppy because it's so awkward.

 

Now he's DMing this girl on Instagram who he claims he isn't interested in, just that he wants to get to know her so he can get over me. The girl isn't even his type. She parties a lot and sleeps with a lot of guys and does hard drugs which he said he would never be with a girl like that in the beginning. He keeps making excuses for her just because they used to be friends in middle to high school.

 

It freaking sucks how he doesn't realize all the things I do for him. Yesterday we hung out to get dinner and then drinks at a bar and he paid for everything but he still doesn't want to get back with me.

[sunandbutterflies]

I am sorry for the pain that you are feeling. Mourning losing a life and losing a relationship is quite the big deal.If you need to talk with someone to help you sort through things or find a licensed counselor, I would encourage you to do that.

As others have mentioned, preraph had a good point, waiting until you have commitment of marriage is probably a good way to make sure that you are valued.

It is wonderful that you are willing to serve. I hope that you will find someone who will commit to you and not wish to explore "other options." You are a treasure!

As much as this might hurt right now, perhaps your former boyfriend was not treating you like the treasure that you are?

 

Praying that God brings about healing in your heart and that you see the value that you have in His eyes.

[Arieswoman]

Op,

There is an old saying;

 

"People don't change, you only get to know them better"

[Goodguy05]

I really love him, and if it were up to me, I would've stay. But because he is the one who doesn't want to feel trapped, we broke up. We lived together for 6 months already and have gone through a lot of ups and downs in our 1 and a half year relationship. We've gotten through insecurities and doubts, through abortion, through happy moments together, things that a normal relationship go through.

 

He told me that he sees me as his wife in the future and that he does have plans of starting a family with me. He even told me "right after we both graduate from college, we can make a baby again and I will marry you and we can have a family. He told me this 2 weeks before we broke up.

 

Why did we break up? He says our relationship was amazing, that he fell more and more in love with me everyday. He says I'm really caring, funny, loving, kind everything he looked for in a girl. But he said that he didn't want his first relationship to be his last relationship. He told me that although this dad love his mother a lot, his dad kinda regrets only being with his mother for the rest of his life. Well his dad is his mentor and someone he's always looked up to so he decided to take his dad's words and was starting to have second thoughts about our relationship. He said that although he was really happy being with me everyday, he felt trapped. He told me that he wanted to see other people (not just have sex with them) but also get into other relationships. I just don't get it, if you love me, why would you even think about starting a new relationship with another person?

 

He says as we were approaching the 2 year mark, he was afraid that I would be the only one he'll ever be with. He wanted to have just more than 1 girlfriends. He's told me this before and I always begged him to come back and he would always give our relationship another shot. But this time, he was for real, he told me that he cheated on me....with a hooker. He told me that I needed to know and that he's a scumbag and that I shouldn't be with him. He said he felt dirty.

 

He told me that he didn't even like it, there was no connection involved during the sex. So why'd he do it? Well he said that he wanted to make an excuse to break up for real this time. He knew that the only way i would let him go is for me to hate him.

 

For some reason, I'm not as mad as I should be. I mean I was mad in the beginning, when he told me, I called him and screamed at him in the phone "how could you?!?!?!" He kept telling me sorry over and over again but I was just feeling betrayed. But somehow I just want him back. He told me the sex with the hooker was nowhere on the same level as sex with me. I think if he had sex with someone he actually knew and had a connection with I would be more upset.

 

Anyways, right after we broke up I cried for 3 days, kept begging him to come back to me and kept trying to reason with him. But he says we are not getting back together because he feels trapped. He says that he still loves me and will always love me but he wants to experience more. He says he wants to date other people to fully appreciate our relationship and how amazing we are. Because he doesn't know what's out there and if our relationship was really what he wanted or not.

 

I stopped talking to him on the fourth day. I was feeling better. I was ready to move on, although I did miss him a bit. He texted me back saying that he always gets the urge to talk to me but he wants to move on. So he blocked me. He blocked me on all forms of social media and on his phone as well. The message he sent before blocking me was "goodbye my love, I love you but I want to move on".

 

So the next day I wanted to get out the house, get some fresh air and forget about the bad things, and then I went to work. I worked from 6pm to midnight and when I got off I checked my text and noticed that he had unblocked me and told me to check my email. I noticed that he had wrote a very long letter about how he loves me but how he can't be with me. As soon as I read the entire thing I called him and it was relieving to hear his voice. He told me that he kept thinking about me during the time that we had no contact. Since our workplace was across the street, all he could do was just stare and wonder if I had gone to work yet and wondering if I was working there. He said he was depressed and wanted to die that day.

 

You would think he wants to get back together, but no....he still is sticking with his decision that he wants to date other people. He says he still wants to stay in contact with me and still wants to talk to me. I was so disappointed but at the same time I thought in my mind at least he missed me and there's a possibility we could still get back together. But he told me that he'll tell me when he gets a new girlfriend so that I can move on. Wtf....

 

So basically he can talk to other people and I can talk to other people as well.

 

I'm a little annoyed at him but here's the thing. He's talking to this girl who was his middle school crush who he has on Instagram. He dm her and they started talking about the old times. He asked her out to this restaurant that we used to go to and told her the food is really good there. She agrees and says just tell me what time and let her know!! He told me this and I was ok with it, he was now my friend and I'm happy that he's talking to someone. But the girl didn't even reply to him for like 3 days about when she wants to see him.

 

Suddenly he saw on one of his posts that I had commented that "we were so happy together that day and then you broke up with me the next day" that comment was written before I even knew she was talking to that girl. He blames it on my that my comment was why she didn't reply to him for 3 whole days. I got really mad because he cared that much about a girl he barely even knew, who he had a crush on in 4th grade but never saw her again after that. He was just being a total dick to me. Like he blames it on me for a dumb fgirl who didn't really care about replying to him.

 

We've been together for 1 and a half year and I've always been by his side. I am loyal. I took care of him when he threw up and passed out drunk. I was by his side in the hospital even calling my work to tell them that I would be late because my boyfriend is in the hospital. I would give him back massages with my elbows which he really likes, even though it was really difficult and tiring to get to every spot. I cook, wash all the dishes for him and I went to several checkups with him at the hospital because he has GERD. I always took care of him. He's like a grown up kid.

 

Yet he doesn't appreciate me. He blames me for why the girl didn't reply back. I wanted to cry.

 

He's will if u dont give him the time of day. Ignore him for a few mths and he will realise wat he lost. He will be crawling back to u begging and hopefully ur strong enough to tell him to f off. Lol.

I take it u guys are young? He's stupid once he's come to his senses and doesn't feel the same connection he'll realise what his lost. It takes yrs to find those type of connections they don't come around every cpl o mths lol. They may but most likely not. Let him go sweety. He's gonna cause so much hurt n damage that wen he does come back ull never see him in the same light and won't trust his intentions. It'll always be in the back of ur mind if he'll run again that in itself will cause fighting and arguments

[preraph]

Tati, one thing you've got to understand is that sex isn't any indication of love for men. They are more in love with sex than they are in love with love. So when having sex, they usually seem like they're in love. An ex of mine was like that. He cousin enlightened me long after we'd broken up (then we worked together). At a party, he has all his exes there and the cousin told me he's too nice and they all think he's in love with them and fall for him, and that he's like that with all of them. And it was true.

 

So never measure love by how a man is in bed. Measure him by how he treats you when you're not having sex. If he respects you and is considerate, if he communicates openly with you, if he gives you no reason to be suspicious or wonder what he's up to, if he actively feathers your nest, tries to fix things around the house and keep the car running, if he inspects your tires from time to time to be sure you don't have a flat on your way to work, if he is as involved with the kids as much as you are, if he always protects you and does his best to help provide. This type of sustained behavior is how a man who really loves you shows it.

[preraph]

I imagine someone else has already said it, but I have to add that the comment about how his dad is who told him he regretted choosing one woman instead of sleeping around is a cautionary tale of how you should have some boundaries with your children and understand how profoundly it may affect them in the future.

 

I'm not saying people shouldn't explore. I explored a lot and felt I really needed to. But who knows if this guy is throwing away his one chance at real love for some one-nighters now because his stupid dad overshared.

[Taticake]

I imagine someone else has already said it, but I have to add that the comment about how his dad is who told him he regretted choosing one woman instead of sleeping around is a cautionary tale of how you should have some boundaries with your children and understand how profoundly it may affect them in the future.

 

I'm not saying people shouldn't explore. I explored a lot and felt I really needed to. But who knows if this guy is throwing away his one chance at real love for some one-nighters now because his stupid dad overshared.

 

Well it's not his dad's fault. His dad never forced him to break up with me but I guess he was just trying to warn his son