Want her back, wisdom is appreciated.-LONG STORY-

[Jjk]

I need advice, I really really need some advice. I really messed up, I want to do anything possible to get her back. My ex girlfriend and I dated for almost 6 months. She broke up with me one week ago.

A little background on both of us (perhaps this will give everyone a better understanding of the situation). We are both Korean. (Me being an American born Korean, her being a Korean foreign national international student). We met at a university, she had been studying at this university for 4years, I just came here 1 year ago, after taking a 2 1/2 year break from college.

 

A little more background, I have major anger problems. I throw rage fits, I hit things(never her) but I yell, scream, and punch things. And I smoke. All these qualities she hates, and I've been trying to tell her Ill stop(Ended up being nothing but broken promises on my part). Anyway, we come from very different backgrounds. She comes from a strong Christian family. I do not. My family is well off, so I can currently afford an expensive education. She is not. She is in this university through scholarship and donations (her parents are missionaries in a different nation). Since she is culturally and ethnically South Korean, she follows all those customs. My ethnicity may be Korean; however, my culture is American. The way she feels love is by spending quality time together.(That is how her and her family was when she was younger) She had never been yelled at by her parents ever or had experience with angry people(My family has a long history of the men having extremely short-tempers and getting extreme rage). I never spent quality time like that with my family, other then the occasional dinner or vacation. The way I was shown love was through gifts, getting hit or yelling(tough love). This is why, I shower her with expensive gifts, and dinners to show her that I love her(Towards the end, she expressed she did not feel love this way.) She had been attending private christian academies throughout her youth, all the way up to university(She was essentially sheltered her whole life, never experience the gritty side of the world). I, having attended public school, and got in with the wrong crowd, resulted in me having a couple bump ins with the law, and being arrested. I told her all of this when I opened up at the beginning of our relationship.(I wanted her to know because being arrested in Korean culture basically means your a thug, and you are no good.) That is just a little background on us to show how different we really are. We have both expressed that we are just so different, and that our experiences, worldview, and mindset makes it harder for us. The hardest part is her being a strong Christian, me not being religious.

 

(Side note, she told me at our first fight that none of her boyfriends ever yelled at her, cussed, or showed any physical anger)

 

Anyway, we dated for 6 months and the first month was great; however, we got into a huge argument about another guy and since then the last 5 months have been filled with a roller coaster of emotions. I admit that I did wrong, my feelings were starting to feel too real for her and I fell in love with her. Because of that, I was scared and constantly second guessed the relationship. We broke up numerous times, and 8/10 times I came crawling back to her. 2/10 times she came crawling back to me. Now fast forward, to the last 2 weeks of us being together. We got in a huge argument during a camping trip with a big group of people, I broke it off and left. 2 days later I went to her house and tried to make amends. It was extremely hard, but about a week after the huge fight(We constantly kept in contact and spent time together) she decided to give me one last chance. A couple of days after we got back together, we talked in the car for about 2 hours about somethings she did I was uncomfortable with, she apologized and told me to sleep at her place that night, I declined because I was still so heated, I told her to leave and I went home. She texted and called, I picked up we got in an argument. She hung up, I kept calling her and told her that Im coming over now, she said no, I went anyway and after about 10-20mins she finally let me in, we got into another huge fight, at this point she went full on batsh*t crazy, she was hyperventilating, and choking herself, I also went batsh*t crazy, throwing jabs at my face, hyperventilating myself. She cried, I cried, she told me to sleep next to her, I tried to leave she wouldnt let me, so we slept together. The next day, I met her bff at her house and had a talk with her. Me and my ex, at this point reconciled and everything was smooth until last week.(Fyi, I feel really f*cked up, I feel like I unleashed the craziness out of her, I dont think she's ever been like this in prior relationships, but hey maybe thats just how intense our love was.) Now fast forward to last week, the day was fine and I left her house early to go meet a few friends, I came home and she called me around midnight, we got to talking and then the talking slowly escalated into a fight. It was basically me being insecure about the relationship. I told her that even if we date its probably going to end so I dont know what to do (We've talked on occasion about how different we are(worldview, culture, etc..), which makes the relationship extremely hard), so I said lets take a few days break so I can recollect my thoughts. and at first she said lets meet tomorrow and talk it out, I said theres nothing to talk about. She asked if I wanted to break up, I said no i dont want too, but if you do then you do it. At first she said no, and said she cant live without me. After a few minutes later she just said lets break up. Next day I go to her house with breakfast, in a good mood thinking we just had another stupid fight. She would not answer her phone, so I rang the door bell until her roommate opened up. I go to her room, and she glares at me, I saw completely hatred in her eyes. She yelled at me saying she doesnt like me, and to get out, I was laughing(I really dont know why). and it escalated she kept pulling and pushing me telling to get out, I declined and when she tried putting her hand on me I shoved it out of the way and called her a b*tch. We were yelling back and forth and finally I lost my cool, I stepped backed punched a hole in her wall and spit on it. I immediately said im sorry, and that i'll pay for it(I sent her money to fix it). She said she doesnt give a f*ck about the money, and said she didnt want me to get hurt. She told me to get out regardless, I stormed out. We did not for 3 days after that(Saw each other once at a school event). I decided to try to talk to her(She had blocked my number, but I got a hold of her through a friend).

 

Before reading this last part, it is important to know that I have intense anger issues. Throughout the relationship, I have yelled and screamed, cussed(not at her, but at the situation). and gotten physical to where I broke my car wheel, fractured my finger, gave multiple scars on my knuckles, and punched her wall.

 

Anyway, we met 3 days later and talked in my car. It was silent for a few minutes, and I started talking a little. I apologized, she said I dont need to apologize. She would barely look at me, so I tried to caress her face and point it to my direction saying "can you look at me?" she pulled away, but when she did she seemed concerned saying "why are your hands so cold? have you been outside?" I told her no, and that I am ok. Either way, the conversation ended with me trying to plead for her back, saying lets start all over again, fresh. She said that she is sorry but that she can never trust me again, and that if I truly was planning on changing then I would have already quit smoking and gone to get counseling for my anger. She asked if we were done talking and I remained silent. She opened the door and immediately I tried holding her crying saying please dont go. She was yelling get off, while tears were running down her face. I was sobbing and begged. She came back for a little, and it was silent. I didn't know what to say. I asked her if she still loved me, she said "Dont ask me things like that" I kept asking, she wouldnt answer. I took her back infront of her house, but the second she left my car, something took over me and I jumped out and tried to follow her upstairs, she was trying to go into her room, but I was completely losing my mind at the fact that I lost her. So I kept asking if she loved me still, she would not answer. I kept asking and said just answer me with the truth, and then I'm gone. She would not answer, I tried holding her she screamed saying "dont touch me, dont touch me" and started shivering saying "im scared of you". My heart was shattered, I stepped away from her door and let her go in, and she went in a sobbed quietly saying "please.." Right after I met her best friend, before meeting her bff I tried going to her house and rung the door bell, no answer. Anyway, I met her bff, and she told me that she tried calling my ex a few times with no answer, but right before I came to pick her up my ex called her back(the bff) intensely crying, saying "J--- is so stupid". Anyway, her bff gave me advice saying if I really loved her and wanted to get her back I needed to give her a lot of space and time to think. The next day, I just lost my mind and started going to her house trying to ring the door bell to get her to come out(No answer.) calling her from my friends phone 3 times(No answer). I texted her friend late night, and was asking what do I do, she said that right now I needed to let her go and give her space, and then said I need to respect her decision about not wanting to see me. i then asked her friend if she was with her and she said yes, then I asked if she can relay a message for me "will you wait for me to change?". While texting, my ex took over her friends phone and texted me saying "Hey J---, this is S-------". I knew this was not good. my ex told me that that she would not wait for me, and that she is going to move on. I then requested a meet up with her asap, she got mad and said "why are you so selfish?" to which I replied "youre right im being selfish" and a few other non-essential things. She said she is happy with what she is now. She told me that her brother was worried about her, and to stop calling her and coming to her house because it was obsession. I apologized saying that I'll stop. She said thank you, and good bye. It's been another 3 days since I've talked to her and I do not plan on contacting her for awhile, regardless of how badly I want to. I understand that she hates me now, but it hurts me to see that she is doing perfect without me, and I am stuck her feeling lost and empty. My question is, is there anything I can do to try and reconcile this relationship? Semester ends in a few days, and she is staying in this town for an internship, I go back to my hometown which is 3 hours away. So there is no way for us to run into each other. I am trying to contact her through FB message in a couple months. But is there really anything I can do? Will time settle her current hatred towards me? Will time allow me to show her that I have changed? I understand that that she is sick of how I behaved, sick of the broken promises, and all that. But besides from my anger problems and a few other childish behavioral problems I truly in my heart believe I was a good guy. Her bff even admitted saying beside all that I am a really good guy. It's just painful that im out here sulking all day, sobbing, missing her, and it feels like she is not missing me at all, and that she has already moved on.(Shes posting selfies on instagram frequently, changing her fb pic, all that. Obvious signs that she has moved on.)

 

When everything was going good, she would always tell me how she was starting to love me more and more every day, and we occasionally talked about a real future together. If it means anything to help better understand, I have only had two serious girlfriends. My first one being 4 1/2 years long, 3 years later I date my current ex, for 6 months. She has dated a few guys (About 4 serious relationships, including me). Her first boyfriend she dated for about 3 years, he cheated on her. 2nd boyfriend maybe a month at best (hes been in love with her for 6-7 years, and he still is, saying that it doesnt matter who she dates right now, because in the end they will get married.(this guy and my ex are probably talking right now as we speak)) the other guy doesnt really matter, he was a straight up pr*ck. She has told one of my bestfriends (my bestfriends girlfriend) that out of all the guys shes dated and had a "thing" with that she has liked me and cared about me the most.

 

I know that i did horrible things to her, and made her scared of me and distrust me. but..

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO GET HER BACK? I am willing to wait months. Originally I was planning on working on myself and presenting a new and improved version of me to her at the beginning of next semester; however, I am considering messaging her on FB in a month after NC, so she doesnt forget about me.

 

 

We live in the same apartment community, its really big like a huge community. So I take long walks, usually an hr-2hr, just thinking about how much I f*cked up. And a part of me wishes I would run into her.

 

This upcoming week is final exams week, after 90% of her friends are going back to Korea(they're all foreign nationals), I am going back home, which is 3 hours away. Her and her brother will be staying here for an internship. Is this a good time for her to rethink everything? I dont what move to play.. I am thinking it's best to not contact her for 4 months until I see her back on campus; however, I am also considering messaging her on FB(She blocked my number, and we are not friends on FB so I dont even know if she'll get my message). Part of me also wants to try to see her before I go back home for break. If anyone could offer me some advice or wisdom, it would be very much appreciated.

[Redhead14]

Until you seek counseling and management anger skills/tools, you will not be a suitable partner for anyone!

 

Mental and emotional abuse is a dealbreaker for most secure, stable, independent women.

 

Your anger "issues" are deeply rooted and are about unresolved/unaddressed abuses you've suffered and until you focus on and get clarity about all that, you are doomed to have relationships that don't last.

 

Get help from a professional.

[d0nnivain]

I skimmed this. But the recurring theme is you are the problem. Get your anger under control. Get into therapy. Go to counseling. Figure this out before you hurt yourself or somebody else & land in jail. You said your family has money so paying for counseling should not be a problem.

 

 

Your EX GF was right. Although you say you want her back, you have not taken steps to get help. Sorry, but after all you have put this poor girl through in such a short time, your words are meaningless. She knows you are lying to her and yourself. It won't be the truth until you actually do the work -- of the course of many years -- to fix this about yourself.

[Zahara]

hey maybe thats just how intense our love was

 

You certainly have a warped sense of what love means if it entails screaming, yelling, name calling, holes in wall, spitting, consistently breaking up, etc. What you both have is an intense toxic bond -- don't call it love. You both function on drama and translate that to passion.

 

Get yourself help. Until you do that, you'll just keep in a constant loop of bad behavior. And no, it's not going to take one semester to get yourself sorted out.

[Satu]

You need a lot of healing before you'll be able to be one half of a healthy relationship.

 

As you are, the unhealed parts of you will trip you up at every step, so you'll never move forward.

 

Get into therapy and find yourself.

 

 

Take care.