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He gave Reasons why he didnt want me!


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greenleaf2004

I’m a 35 year old teacher, no kids, petitie,and attractive, but I’m having a hard time in the dating department. I’m just looking for some insight to what went wrong. What did I do wrong?

 

I met a guy in late December, and I started to like him. He was different than the other men I have met. He appeared to be highly confident with a good sense of humor. He called and texted me every day. I thought he liked me. He was a very short guy like 5’3, but cute. He was a 39 year old lawyer. Very charismatic. He took me on lots of dates and we had fun.

In February, he told me that he stopped seeing other women and that it was just me around. I was happy. I told him whenever he was ready to make things official then just let me know.

 

 

 

In March, I had sex with him after 3 months. I waited until about the 15th date. The sex was painful for me because I was celibate for 3.5 years before this.

 

 

 

In April, he began to become distant and very busy. He didn’t call me for 3 days. I sent him a message and ask what happened and why was he ignoring me. He claimed that he was busy with work. I didn’t see him again for 2 weeks. He went back to texting and calling every day though.

 

 

April 15 he invited me to a party and I met his friends. I thought wow, he’s bringing me around his people. So maybe it was getting serious.

 

 

April 22, we had been dating 4 months and Went out 20 times. I asked him his intentions for this relationship. He had not made it official yet. I started to feel like I was being strung along. So I said do you see me in your future at all? I told him I was in no rush to get married, but at least want some type of commitment. Let me know if im wasting my time.

 

 

The next day he responded that no he didn’t think we were a good match. I asked him when did he figure this out. He said that after we had sex he determined it. But he slept with me 3 more times after that. He said I was too modest and shy in the bed room and didn’t seem to enjoy it. He had a smaller penis, but I was fine with it. I just hadn’t had sex in 3.5 years so I was uncomfortable and in pain. I explained it to him when it was happening.

 

 

 

Then he said that He was too busy for me and that I wouldn’t be able to handle it based on how I responded when he disappeared for 3 days. I told him to have a nice life. I hung up, deleted his number, and I feel very hurt.

 

 

 

He had a ex-girlfriend living with him for 6 years…They fought a lot and never married. 2 years ago he met another lady and they feel in love fast, got engaged quickly, and the relationship lasted 1 year before she left him. Both of his relationships were nothing but arguing nonstop and fighting. Both ladies were lawyers. He told me he would never date another layer again. He told me that he really was disappointed that he wasn’t married by 40. So I thought he was seeking a commitment. I dont argue or fuss much so I thought that he wanted to be in a calm, stable relationship.

 

 

But then He began to criticism me and my profession. I’m an educator, but he kept asking if I was going to do more with myself. I have 2 graduate degrees and I work a fulltime job. I’m happy where I am in life but he thought I was lazy for not inspiring to do more. He told me that his future partner would have to be motivated and there to motivate him as well. He kept asking what else it is to you. Like I’m an airhead. Like I have no life or goals. I love teaching children.

 

 

 

I knew he was busy, so I often would drive 20 minutes to see him. So he never really had to pick me up. We would go on nice dates in the city. And then I drove home to the suburbs. I always called and texted, so he knew I liked him and cared a lot.

 

 

 

I’m very hurt. I thought he was becoming my boyfriend. I don’t sleep around so I feel very used.

 

 

 

It feels like I lost my friend. We would text all day long. I was attached.

 

 

 

Thoughts on this situation? How long should folks date before making it commited? Was I wrong for having the TALK with him?

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I usually get the talk from men within 1-2 months. I've only had to initiate it once. The longest I had waited was 3 months. If I don't get it, I assume he's not into me enough and move on.

 

For me personally, I get attached after sex a few times so I let guys know I am a relationship girl casually in our conversations. I've never had an issue with guys asking me out or wanting to by my BF. I may not get all of them because not every guy will want that from me but I usually have options.

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How long had you been dating before he criticized your profession? That would have been it for me.

 

Never let anyone put you or your profession down. "What else is there to you?" omg He is certainly full of himself.

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**** him, what a jerk.

 

you were definitely used. him and his tiny penis can go find someone else.

 

you can find someone wway better, they are out there, i promise!

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Very early in a new dating scenario, it's important to make sure both parties on the same page in terms of dating goals. You state what you are looking for out of your dating journey and the other person says what they are looking for. At this point, it's not about whether that would be with each other, it's just about the dating goals.

 

Even if a guy says he's looking for a relationship, the woman needs to sit back and observe how he dates her.

 

This guy seemed good on paper and you were well within your rights and responsibilities to yourself to get clarity about what he was wanting with you at 4 months/20 dates and being intimate. Nevertheless, the guy was being honest when he said that the sexual part wasn't working for him. It's frustrating to be with someone sexually who doesn't seem to be enjoying the experience.

 

All that being said, I think this guy was just really patient, was getting what he wanted albeit not as fulfilling as he/you would like, and maybe too lazy to find someone else, so he stuck it out until he started feeling pressured. At which time, he just decided to be mean about it and make it easy for you to do what he should have done before.

 

Just keep moving. This would one would have been a little bit difficult to figure out early, I'd say. Just chalk it up to having a bad dating experience and consider yourself lucky it ended now.

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I think he may just be one of those guys who likes the chase and then conquers you and then drops you. And he sounds like he's just dying to somehow feel superior, criticizing you in bed, criticizing your noble profession. So I say good riddance to bad rubbish. This is him, not you.

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You're weren't wrong to ask where this was going at 4 months. By that time, you need to know if he is going to be your BF or if this is just a passing thing. Good for you for asking. As you found out, he wasn't going to commit to being your BF at all, so you got out early. Dating is hard, and it can be hurtful. Your intuition told you something was off after you had sex with him. Trust your instincts.

 

I also don't like that he thought you were lazy and without ambition. That is a hurtful thing to say, and I can't imagine saying that so early on to someone. Don't be with someone who doesn't respect you and what you do. You don't have to settle for that.

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greenleaf2004
I usually get the talk from men within 1-2 months. I've only had to initiate it once. The longest I had waited was 3 months. If I don't get it, I assume he's not into me enough and move on.

 

For me personally, I get attached after sex a few times so I let guys know I am a relationship girl casually in our conversations. I've never had an issue with guys asking me out or wanting to by my BF. I may not get all of them because not every guy will want that from me but I usually have options.

In the past guys wanted a commitment from me early on. I was with my first boyfriend for 2 weeks then we became a couple. I guess I wanted to thoroughly take my time and get to know this guy. I thought that he liked me since he always talked to me ...I thought he was getting attached. I was wrong.

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I'm sorry about what happened. I think you put too much into this relationship when he was not making much effort at all. He did not have to pick you up - you drove to him!

 

He may have been put off if he felt you were not enjoying sex. You did talk to him about it and he should have been understanding. If the pain apparently continued, he may have got anxious about it but not actually said anything. No man wants to make you unhappy.

 

Having said the above, he sounds quite controlling. He does not offer commitment but feels he can tell you what career you should have and to denigrate what you do. He is not a good guy. He sounds used to getting his own way and thinks he can get what he wants so does not have to try to make anything work.

 

Quite honestly, he was offering you very little and you were too keen on him and easily available. This is not a criticism of you but something to bear in mind in future. From the sound of it, this guy had little empathy. Did you detect any signs that he cared for your feelings at all?

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greenleaf2004
How long had you been dating before he criticized your profession? That would have been it for me.

 

Never let anyone put you or your profession down. "What else is there to you?" omg He is certainly full of himself.

 

I think it was about 1 month into the dating when he started criticizing me. He did it in a joking manner alot. But now I know he was being real. He constantly asked me What else. I mean I work with special needs kiddies, I have a cocktail on the weekends, I read books, and I like to socialize with my family and friends. Im just me (nothing fancy). He started to really make me feel bad.

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I think it was about 1 month into the dating when he started criticizing me. He did it in a joking manner alot. But now I know he was being real. He constantly asked me What else. I mean I work with special needs kiddies, I have a cocktail on the weekends, I read books, and I like to socialize with my family and friends. Im just me (nothing fancy). He started to really make me feel bad.

 

My friend has been seeing a woman just like you for three years. She does the same job, she loves her family and friends and they hang out with them a lot (he enjoys the extra social life), she reads. She is all heart. He adores her. Your guy was just not the type of guy you need. Someone will treasure those brilliant qualities you have.

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I think it was about 1 month into the dating when he started criticizing me. He did it in a joking manner alot. But now I know he was being real. He constantly asked me What else. I mean I work with special needs kiddies, I have a cocktail on the weekends, I read books, and I like to socialize with my family and friends. Im just me (nothing fancy). He started to really make me feel bad.

 

Be glad you got out of there. My last ex was similar. He made me feel bad about a lot of things and was very judgemental. It took a toll on me over 3 years. Your idea of success is different than his. You're fine the way you are. You don't need him to validate what you are doing in life.

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greenleaf2004
I'm sorry about what happened. I think you put too much into this relationship when he was not making much effort at all. He did not have to pick you up - you drove to him!

 

He may have been put off if he felt you were not enjoying sex. You did talk to him about it and he should have been understanding. If the pain apparently continued, he may have got anxious about it but not actually said anything. No man wants to make you unhappy.

 

Having said the above, he sounds quite controlling. He does not offer commitment but feels he can tell you what career you should have and to denigrate what you do. He is not a good guy. He sounds used to getting his own way and thinks he can get what he wants so does not have to try to make anything work.

 

Quite honestly, he was offering you very little and you were too keen on him and easily available. This is not a criticism of you but something to bear in mind in future. From the sound of it, this guy had little empathy. Did you detect any signs that he cared for your feelings at all?

 

When I met him, he came on strong. He told me How much he liked me early on. So i was thinking that he was interested. Then after that, he stop telling me that he like me. He would only say negative stuff about anything and everything ( but in a joking manner). I always asked him if he ever had anything positive to say. He became emotionless. I asked him during our last conversation if he was emotionally unavailable. He said yes a little. I also found out that he saw a therapist after his last breakup

 

He then started telling me that I needed to come to his house and cook for him. He said I want to know that you're willing to do this Couples type stuff. But he said he would not cook for me because that was too intimate.

 

Sex was only painful the first time. The other 3 times was ok, but he didn't satisfy me. He orgasmed , but relied on giving me oral sex and that wasn't enough either. But I didn't say anything negative. I just enjoyed being with him.

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greenleaf2004
You're weren't wrong to ask where this was going at 4 months. By that time, you need to know if he is going to be your BF or if this is just a passing thing. Good for you for asking. As you found out, he wasn't going to commit to being your BF at all, so you got out early. Dating is hard, and it can be hurtful. Your intuition told you something was off after you had sex with him. Trust your instincts.

 

I also don't like that he thought you were lazy and without ambition. That is a hurtful thing to say, and I can't imagine saying that so early on to someone. Don't be with someone who doesn't respect you and what you do. You don't have to settle for that.

 

 

Part of me is wondering if I chased him away by asking about our relationship status. But The other part of me knows that if we werent a couple by 4 months then we would never be a couple. Im very careful about whom I sleep with, but I some how was blinded by this guy.

 

I was very hurt by him insulting my professional and accomplishments. I feel successful. But He made it seem like i was a loser. He rather commit to his successful lawyer Girl friends and argue with them.... instead of dating someone like me thats drama free. It makes no sense to me.

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greenleaf2004
Be glad you got out of there. My last ex was similar. He made me feel bad about a lot of things and was very judgemental. It took a toll on me over 3 years. Your idea of success is different than his. You're fine the way you are. You don't need him to validate what you are doing in life.

 

thank you. He told me that he is very critical on himself so he also is on everyone else. His coworkers to him that he needs to stop seeking perfection in women. I feel bad because I missed these red flags. I normally do a better job at vetting out men. There were so many

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greenleaf2004
My friend has been seeing a woman just like you for three years. She does the same job, she loves her family and friends and they hang out with them a lot (he enjoys the extra social life), she reads. She is all heart. He adores her. Your guy was just not the type of guy you need. Someone will treasure those brilliant qualities you have.

 

Thank you. I hope to find someone that I am compatible with. This guy seemed so nice at the beginning...affectionate, loving, just perfect! I cant believe he turned on me.

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greenleaf2004
**** him, what a jerk.

 

you were definitely used. him and his tiny penis can go find someone else.

 

you can find someone way better, they are out there, i promise!

 

Thank you. I just hate that I slept with him. I thought that after being on so many dates and spending time together that he was sincere. He fooled me. I was celibate for 3.5 years. What a waste

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greenleaf2004
I think he may just be one of those guys who likes the chase and then conquers you and then drops you. And he sounds like he's just dying to somehow feel superior, criticizing you in bed, criticizing your noble profession. So I say good riddance to bad rubbish. This is him, not you.

 

Thank you.

 

I just wish he would have dropped me after the first time having sex. He shouldnt have stuck around and wasted my time

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greenleaf2004

I just thought that if I talk to him regularly, spent time with him, and treated him like a friend that he would have stuck around.

 

I know that 4 months is not a long time. But we would text all day long. So the lack of communication and texting today makes me feel a little empty today.

 

I need to pay more attention the next time to red flags, rudeness, and criticism.

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I think it was about 1 month into the dating when he started criticizing me. He did it in a joking manner alot. But now I know he was being real. He constantly asked me What else. I mean I work with special needs kiddies, I have a cocktail on the weekends, I read books, and I like to socialize with my family and friends. Im just me (nothing fancy). He started to really make me feel bad.

 

So one month in, you basically knew that you had a problem and turned a blind eye. Not being pissy but the cracks in the relationship were forming and you didn't address them.

 

I have a zero tolerance policy for bs and I rarely get hurt...and yet I love deeply.

 

You sound wonderful to me, just stick to your needs being met and be vigilant about your partner's behavior.

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isolatedgothic

My guess is that he kept having sex with you because he wanted someone to have sex with, not because he was developing feelings or envisioning a relationship with you. Of course, you'd have no way of knowing this or reading it. It's simply what he did, and it was hurtful to you. He was selfish with you. It was all about him and what he could get out of it.

 

Also, his disappearing for days at a time? No one knows for sure what he was doing, but one can guess that he was busy hounding someone else. When it didn't work, he came back.

 

He sounds like an arrogant jerk. That's on him. You were honest and forthright with him, and he was a self-serving idiot. Please promise you will not respond if/when he decides to recycle you and come back for another round. He knows you're hurt. He knows you're wondering why. He is probably hoping you'll be waiting and pining for him. I'd imagine he has played this game quite succinctly in the past. Lawyers are fairly good at reading people, especially us vulnerable ones. Show him you're not easy prey. Don't respond to his next text. I predict it will come at some point, when his waters run dry again.

 

I am sorry that you had to experience this kind of a damaging personality. It has to hurt to know that you waited for several years, then ended up with a tiny little man with a Napoleon complex. However, you did nothing wrong. He did. This is on him. I hope you are able to heal and totally disregard him when he comes snaking his way back to you for another round. Fall off the face of the earth as far as he is concerned. He's too skilled at this game.

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greenleaf2004

He talked about the ex girlfriends and said one was a slut and he had lots of fun with her. He didnt talk like this in the beginning. He told me that both exs were kinky...... He started talking like this after I slept with him

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greenleaf2004
My guess is that he kept having sex with you because he wanted someone to have sex with, not because he was developing feelings or envisioning a relationship with you. Of course, you'd have no way of knowing this or reading it. It's simply what he did, and it was hurtful to you. He was selfish with you. It was all about him and what he could get out of it.

 

Also, his disappearing for days at a time? No one knows for sure what he was doing, but one can guess that he was busy hounding someone else. When it didn't work, he came back.

 

He sounds like an arrogant jerk. That's on him. You were honest and forthright with him, and he was a self-serving idiot. Please promise you will not respond if/when he decides to recycle you and come back for another round. He knows you're hurt. He knows you're wondering why. He is probably hoping you'll be waiting and pining for him. I'd imagine he has played this game quite succinctly in the past. Lawyers are fairly good at reading people, especially us vulnerable ones. Show him you're not easy prey. Don't respond to his next text. I predict it will come at some point, when his waters run dry again.

 

I am sorry that you had to experience this kind of a damaging personality. It has to hurt to know that you waited for several years, then ended up with a tiny little man with a Napoleon complex. However, you did nothing wrong. He did. This is on him. I hope you are able to heal and totally disregard him when he comes snaking his way back to you for another round. Fall off the face of the earth as far as he is concerned. He's too skilled at this game.

 

I promise that I wont deal with him anymore. I never go backwards in life. I will never sleep with him again and waste my time. I have already deleted his number out of my phone. Ive deleted pictures, thrown out gifts, etc. I feel so Naive

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greenleaf2004

I guess the part that kept getting to me was that he kept stating that he wanted a wife and anticipated on being married by now. It seemed like it really bothered him. He told me that a man knows when he's ready to marry. So of course I thought that he was interested in taking it futher

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Thank you. I just hate that I slept with him. I thought that after being on so many dates and spending time together that he was sincere. He fooled me. I was celibate for 3.5 years. What a waste

 

I was celibate for 3 years prior to my ex (we broke up on Easter after almost a year) and he has many of the same characteristics as your little lawyer guy - controlling, lacking in empathy, self centeredness...

 

Sex was also painful for me for the same reason, and also because he never cared about my needs. I still enjoyed it on some level, but the goal was always about him finishing. He was never concerned either when it was painful...zero compassion or caring.

 

I'm looking back now after only 9 days and wondering - wtf was I thinking??? I sold myself way too short...just like you did.

 

There are so many wonderful, caring, sensitive, smart, single men out there. There's no reason why we have to settle.

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